Tight fisted father seeking [advice]

[notmel]

My adult son , 28 years old and recently married asked to join me for dinner a few months ago. My son has lived and gone to school 3000 miles away for the last 10 years and we have not been close. We have seen each other on holidays and I have made an effort to always share a meal if I was in his town on business . We have not had a extremely close relationship but it has been for the most part warm and cordial. There were periods of more than months however when we did not speak on the phone or communicate. He moved back to our hometown with his bride asked me if I would help him and his bride with financial help with the purchase of their first home. We live in a very expensive market for real estate and I flatly said no. Primarily because i did not have the spare funds I am very close to retirement myself and I still have a mortgage. I have up until now been quite generous financially and they do have a 6 figure down payment but that does not go very far in this mkt. He did not take the answer no very well and while we argued we were reasonably civil and insults or name calling etc activitydid not take place. In the end he stormed off and we have not spoken since.

This is not the first time we have butted heads over money issues he was in private school and had university and graduate school entirely paid for by myself. He graduated debt free and I wrote a pretty generous check for the wedding. We did argue about his budget frequently when he was in school.

Fathers day came and went without a card or a text or an email so clearly he is still ticked off. I am not backing down on the money issue he is on his own but should I reconnect or wait for him to make the first move.

[pteromom]

I would. I would want to let him know that despite his disappointment that you can't give him money, you still love him and harbor no bad feelings toward him.

 

But stand firm on the money thing.

[Lois_Griffin]

Unfortunately, THIS is the result of over-indulging children and young adults.

 

They think the damned world owes them everything.

 

He's an ungrateful little brat with no humility whatsoever and certainly no gratitude for anything he's been handed over the years.

 

But this is typical when you over-indulge them. This is how they get.

 

Unfortunately, he wasn't taught anything about humility or respect growing up, so you'll probably wait a good long time to hear from him.

[basil67]

I wouldn't word my post like the previous poster, but it really does come back to the fact that he's been raised with you paying for his stuff, so he's come to expect it. He's the product of his upbringing.

 

My best suggestion is to take the approach with him that you've given him a damn fine start in life (and much better start than most) but it's time for him to stand on his own two feet.

 

I'm in the Sydney market, so I do understand the issues with housing affordability. Is he looking only at premium suburbs or can he not qualify for a mortgage in more affordable suburbs?

[brothers343]

You should make him understand that you gave him the funds to get the skills to make it through this life. And that should be considered priceless becouse there are others that will never follow there dreams becouse they lack the funds and the means to get the skills. I think you were right in what you did. Good luck

[minimariah]

I am not backing down on the money issue he is on his own but should I reconnect or wait for him to make the first move.

 

to be honest - it is a little surprising to me that you even ask this. yes, you should make the first move because you are the parent, as simple as that. there is no room for pride in parenthood & he obviously isn't making the first move.

 

your relationship actually seems detached and somewhat strained so i think there are deeper issues; you were never close to begin with. i think that, unfortunately, as time goes by... you'll only be more and more detached.

[Gunny376]

Your under no obligation to set yourself on fire?

 

To keep others warm!

Edited June 26, 2016 by Gunny376

[notmel]

Thanks to one and all for your answers and insight. It seems pretty unanimous every seems to be of the opinion that I should stand firm on the money issue but suck it up and make the effort to mend fences or bridges between my son and myself.