Anyone know about separation with a view toward reconciliation?

[indecisive]

As with a trillion people who visit this site, my story is too long and complicated to tell in a single posting. But, I'll try to keep it as brief as I can because I could really use some thoughts from the "panel."

 

My husband and I lived together for 12 years and got married last year. In the past few years, we've had some relationship problems, and through honest discussions and even a little counseling (not enough, in my opinion), we've worked through them with some success. However, one problem has been nagging us almost from Day One, and it's been pretty clear to us that at some point in our relationship, it was going to rear its ugly head.

 

The major problem: My husband has never been with another woman. He barely dated when he was a teenager, and we met and fell in love when we were 21. He was a confident, intelligent, gorgeous guy, so when we feel in love, it never occurred to me that he didn't do what most guys do. By the time I found out, though, we were already head over heels for each other. The first time we made love, he told me it was his first time. I was flattered, but also a bit confused. (I think even back then, I knew this might pose some problems.)

 

Anyway, for nearly a decade, we lived together in relative harmony, but we have had a few trouble spots when he's become introspective, and he's been honest with me about his concern about his lack of a sexual past. (Very hard to ignore in this sex-crazed and sex-phobic society.) He has been not only concerned about his own sense of himself and his masculinity, but also for our marriage. (FYI: As for our sex life, it goes in phases. We've had a few brief stints (a couple of months) where we weren't doing much in the bedroom, etc. but for the most part, it's been okay to great.)

 

To date, he has been totally faithful (I truly believe that) but I think we've both always known that it would only be a matter of time before he felt the need to experience what it would be like to be with other people. I think this albatross has been hanging over our heads for a while now, and I think it has affected other aspects our relationship. For example, I think I have some issues of insecurity and trust because I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. On his end, over the past few years, he seems to be rebelling against anything that seems akin to responsibility or being tied down (didn't want to do any financial planning or do routine things like cook, clean, pay bills; quit a prestigious, high-paying position post to pursue an artistic career; wanted kids desperately and then twice suddenly changed his mind).

 

Anyway, without further details, I'll just say that about a month ago, we decided that we couldn't go on like this. (He was withdrawing and my resentment about not having someone 100% on board was building and building.) In order to move forward, we needed to try a new tactic, so we're trying what I've heard/read others refer to as a "controlled" or "healing" separation. We're living apart, we're free to see other people, and we're committed to sorting out our needs and our goals. The plan is to reconvene every couple of months to see how things are going. The goal is not to see if we prefer being apart; it's to try to heal ourselves so we can reunite as happier, healthier people.

 

We have both made it clear that we still have incredible love for each other, but we feel that by getting together so young, we might have missed out on some crucial development. By the way, this is not just a sexual thing. It has a lot more to do with giving each other some breathing and thinking and "growing up" space, discovering who we are without the other, breaking some of the dependence on each other. (Again, this is a bit confusing because we're tender and there's no hostility. Friends of ours often express envy because we've actually supported each other's growth in other areas over the years. In short, we're pretty solid people.)

 

So, based on what you've heard, folks, what do you think? Do you believe we're delusional and that once we start dating other people, there will be no going back? (That's my biggest fear in all of us because it's so uncontrollable -- or is it?) Has anyone tried anything like this? Any stories?

 

Moreover, I'd love to hear from men who might not have sewn their wild oats when they were teens and twentysomethings and how they handled it.

 

Thanks a bunch.

[HokeyReligions]

Hubby & I have separated in the past. One boundry that we set though, was NOT to see other people. I don't know your whole story or lives, but I think that seeing others will confuse things more and not allow either of you to work on your selves. Separating to experience others is no different than an open marriage, imo. The problems/issues are not lack of experience with others, but perceived experiences and regrets of what may be missing in the marriage. It sounds like it may be that each of you have realized that you are not where you had hoped to be at this point in your lives and projecting that feeling into believeing that its all because of a lack of experience. There are couples who marry young and don't crater to peer pressure or social change and not only accept the choices they made, but embrace them. If he doesn't want to keep going to counseling it doesn't mean that you can't go for yourself.

 

It could be that you two have simply grown apart and in spite of the songs and movies, love isn't always enough.

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Thanks for the reply.

 

Yes, I am returning to the counselor we saw for a few months two years ago. Aside from needing some guidance about how to manage this separation wisely, I think it helps that this person has actually met and had a few sessions with my husband in the past.

 

And, yes, I agree that the wild oats issue is only a symptom of broader issues. Hubby is having trouble figuring out which direction he wants his life to head in. (Symptoms include changing careers about 5 times, and we've lived in four cites in three different countries since we met.) There is a real lack of stability, an inability to embrace responsibility, and an inability to make decisions. I have always been the one to pick up the pieces/keep us afloat when the going got rough. It's time now for him to stand on his own and make some decisions.

 

Perhaps what we're doing is unconventional, and who knows, it might explode in our faces. However, I guess I'm thinking that if this man feels he has the freedom to see what other women are like (not just sexually) then he can freely decide whether I'm really who he wants to be with. If he doesn't, then I need to know that. Regardless of whether he or I choose to date (for all I know, we both might do some soul searching and realize that's not what we really want) we need to know that we actually "chose" each other and that we're not just staying together because we believe that couples should stay together once they commit to each other. I'd rather try this experiment now (in my mid 30s) than to try it in my 40s with a couple of kids in tow.