Why is the WP so angry when they are the cheaters?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi I have been on this site for a few weeks and posting my story in the breakups section but I am seeing there is a lot of sound advice being given in this area of the forum and would love your input. You can read about my story here I won't go into all the details here.

 

Long story short my fiance and I were in the middle of a sudden breakup he decided to move out and we were working on fixing things with the plan that I would eventually move in to his new place. Then he suddenly decided he did not want to work on things, pulled a bait and switch on me and started to blame me for all of our issues and the demise of the relationship. I found out a few weeks later that he was with someone a woman he met at his work, and I believe they were in an affair leading up to our split but I am not certain if they had a full on affair or an EA, either way he was out and dating her two days after he dumped me.

 

Can one of you insightful folks please explain to me where all this man's anger towards me comes from, why he is blaming me for all of our issues, why is he on a vendetta trying to get revenge on me by being petty and doing very hurtful mean things to show me our relationship meant less than garbage to him when he is the one who deceived me turned out to be a huge pathological liar and cheat?

 

Please don't tell me it doesn't matter now we are separated and done, I need to understand why he has so much anger toward me. I need to understand the mind of the cheater if at all to give me some respite from the deep pain I am in.

[ladydesigner]

Main reason is to deflect the blame from themselves. If they can throw you off with their anger then their plan worked.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thanks for the response. What plan? To have me hate him so that the let-down is less hard on me? What?

[minimariah]

misdirected anger - he is angry at himself & the situation he's in and he needs to take it out on someone so he chose you. don't think too much about it, that's my advice to you. you won't ever know what goes on in his head and it's hard to find logic behind his actions so... just let it go.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Angry at himself? For what? he wanted out and got to find someone who he is excited about and who he can run off into the sunset with while I am here picking up the pieces.

 

Why would he angry at himself? He is in love according to what I have seen (I have my ways of knowing this) they are telling each other they love each other forever and he is dropping all kinds of cash on this troll of a woman (he downgraded big time)

 

I'm sorry I know I sound bitter but he is THE LAST person I ever imagined would be unfaithful he really lead me on for 4 years to believe he was anything but a cheater. The shock of knowing this is too much to bear. Like how will ever trust anyone again when he had me fooled so well. I can handle that we had problems that the relationship had its fair share of issues but the betrayal I was truly blindsided and I am really struggling with it. Not to mention we were to be married next year. Not to mention all I did and gave for this man when he was down and out and had no one but me to support him.

 

Please stop telling me to "let it go" I know when I will let it go. If you have some insight great but why post on here to tell me "Stop thinking about it" clearly i won't so it's futile to even say that

[minimariah]

Angry at himself? For what?

 

i have no idea. no one can answer your questions, i'm afraid - which is why it's pointless to stress over it. part of moving on is accepting that his actions don't make sense to you and that he isn't the person you thought he was. i know you can't help yourself but you will learn how to just move on with time.

 

no one can tell you what he does or says things he does or says. i assume he is angry at himself for handling it badly; maybe he failed himself too, expected more from himself. maybe he's angry for not leaving you before starting the other relationship and being more fair.

 

every relationship is a risk and everything is a huge leap of faith.

[Sunkissedpatio]

that makes sense, thank you.

 

I'm sorry if I got snippy I am having a very confusing day today. Thank you for all the great insight.

[RecentChange]

My guess?

 

I haven't read your other posts.... but couples do not usually break up when everything is roses and sunshine.

 

People don't usually cheat when everything is perfect at home.

 

I AM NOT BLAMING YOU

 

But in my mind, when couples "need a break" that's a sign the couple is doomed. Whatever they can't worn through TOGETHER they can't work though separately.

 

So, you two weren't meant to be. Why do there have to be winners and losers? Heros and villains?

 

He took a ****ty cowardly way out. But he obviously needed out.

 

It didn't work out, go NC and move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I need to understand the mind of the cheater if at all to give me some respite from the deep pain I am in.

 

There are as many reasons to cheat as there are human emotions. So unfortunately, any understanding you might gain could have very little value in your own situation. In the broadest sense, some people are weak and easily led astray with a nearly endless capacity for self-serving rationalization.

 

I'd guess your ex is angry because, on some level, he understands this to be true ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

Alright, just read your first post on your other thread.

 

Count your lucky stars you broke up ans it's over.

 

WAY TOO MUCH FREAKING DRAMA.

 

Just not a healthy relationship. All this fighting and hurtful words. Learn from this as what relationships aren't supposed to be. Where your boundaries will be. How you will allow yourself to be treated, and how much to allow yourself to be codependent.

 

I have loved someone touched by depression, it still not a reason to allow yourself to be treated poorly.

 

He is struggling and haven't handled all of this well.

 

You are clinging to something that you shouldn't want.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well if you had read the other post you would see that I have gone NC and I am trying to move on but he keeps taking more stabs at me, reaching out to claim money that was paid while we were still together, this weekend I found out he tried to steal rewards point from my rewards account/profile, he has blocked me from everything so that I cannot reach out to him but he is the one that keeps trying to stab me in the back well after I have stopped contacting him.

 

WHY? HE IS REACHING OUT TO CONTINUE THE jabs in the back NOT ME.

[minimariah]

I'm sorry if I got snippy I am having a very confusing day today. Thank you for all the great insight.

 

don't apologize, no need. i understand and it's normal for you to feel snippy and in pain. you're hurt and you want answers. and it's totally okay to think it over BUT that has to stop at some point. sending you many hugs.

 

maybe he's really a bad person. maybe he changed over the years. maybe he has his misdirected anger; maybe the anger is part of his rationalization so if he's angry at you and blames you - he can escape his own guilt. it's easier that way. maybe he resents you over something. therr are many answers, you know?

 

p.s. i don't think he's trying to HURT you. as in, i don't think he does what he does with an intent to hurt you. i think he does what he does because he wants money and just doesn't care how that affects you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Alright, just read your first post on your other thread.

 

Count your lucky stars you broke up ans it's over.

 

WAY TOO MUCH FREAKING DRAMA.

 

Just not a healthy relationship. All this fighting and hurtful words. Learn from this as what relationships aren't supposed to be. Where your boundaries will be. How you will allow yourself to be treated, and how much to allow yourself to be codependent.

 

I have loved someone touched by depression, it still not a reason to allow yourself to be treated poorly.

 

He is struggling and haven't handled all of this well.

 

You are clinging to something that you shouldn't want.

 

Excuse me this all came out and we broke up three weeks ago. I am not "clinging" to anything. I just want him to leave me alone and I want to understand why all his anger when he is the one who was the pathological liar and cheater. there were 0 signs as far as he was concerned that he was seeing someone else. We were having more sex than ever, he was being more affectionate and giving and saying the most beautiful things making plans for our wedding next year and we had a bad fight about my sick mother and he proceeded to move out because I won't accept his half-assed apology and then two weeks later dumped me and was with his mistress out in the open.

 

Gimme a break with "clinging on to something" It was 3 weeks ago! And when I confronted him I got NOTHING other than are you going to pay the bills? Bills he is claiming now that were OUR bills just a month ago.

 

We've had issues throughout the relationship but it wasn't "all this fighting" we started fighting more in the past few months for various reasons which I have already discussed in my thread, mostly him looking for excuses to fight.

 

Besides people who accept a cheater and try to salvage a marriage are not justified in also cheating to even the score why are you talking about this like "well you fought so let it go"

 

He cheated and betrayed me because he turned out to be a scum bag not because of me! I was suffering the same problems he was I didn't go out and fck some other man, and believe me I had PLENTY of opportunities.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

don't apologize, no need. i understand and it's normal for you to feel snippy and in pain. you're hurt and you want answers. and it's totally okay to think it over BUT that has to stop at some point. sending you many hugs.

 

maybe he's really a bad person. maybe he changed over the years. maybe he has his misdirected anger; maybe the anger is part of his rationalization so if he's angry at you and blames you - he can escape his own guilt. it's easier that way. maybe he resents you over something. therr are many answers, you know?

 

p.s. i don't think he's trying to HURT you. as in, i don't think he does what he does with an intent to hurt you. i think he does what he does because he wants money and just doesn't care how that affects you.

 

thanks I appreciate what you are saying I will and I'm trying to let it go but he keeps doing things to get at me. WHY? he got what he wanted why won't he leave me the fck alone?

 

As per the money, he makes plenty of money he has an executive job so money is not an issue he is doing to hurt me to spite me when he was the one who turned out to be a farce. He is blowing cash on his tramp like it is going out of style he blew almost all of our wedding money on her and them in three weeks to be precise. So he is hardly hard-up for cash. It's like he is possessed by something else. So ya it is quite perplexing to me.

[dichotomy]

You mention you both had issues - but he had insecurities, depression, job loss an more. He was on meds. Anger sometimes goes with all this. If he has not had therapy - he may once again repeat this with a new woman and relationship.

[Sunkissedpatio]

There are as many reasons to cheat as there are human emotions. So unfortunately, any understanding you might gain could have very little value in your own situation. In the broadest sense, some people are weak and easily led astray with a nearly endless capacity for self-serving rationalization.

 

I'd guess your ex is angry because, on some level, he understands this to be true ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

you're right, it is too complex to simply answer here with your takes on my situation. It isn't so much that I need you to make sense of my situation it was more to hear comments about the anger. Why cheaters become so angry and vile when they are the perpetrators.

 

The hardest part to accept is that he was LEAST person I would have expected would cheat. His ex wife cheated on him and seeing the pain it caused him I never imagined he would do something like that himself. Not to mention we have had the discussion many many times and he just did not fit the profile of someone who would. That is why I am plagued with questions and having such a hard go at this. I feel like I can't even trust myself to see someone for who they really are. This really did a number on me.

 

I am in therapy but right now I just have so many questions.... It'll pass I am sure....

[Sunkissedpatio]

You mention you both had issues - but he had insecurities, depression, job loss an more. He was on meds. Anger sometimes goes with all this. If he has not had therapy - he may once again repeat this with a new woman and relationship.

 

I fully agree Dichotomy! I feel like the meds changed him into something very different than the man I knew and fell in love with. It fixed some of the insecurity issues which lifted a lot of our problems due to that but it created a whole slew of other issues and he became very cold, stubborn and callous and extremely mean. Basically a different man..

[whichwayisup]

Can one of you insightful folks please explain to me where all this man's anger towards me comes from, why he is blaming me for all of our issues, why is he on a vendetta trying to get revenge on me by being petty and doing very hurtful mean things to show me our relationship meant less than garbage to him when he is the one who deceived me turned out to be a huge pathological liar and cheat?

 

Please don't tell me it doesn't matter now we are separated and done, I need to understand why he has so much anger toward me. I need to understand the mind of the cheater if at all to give me some respite from the deep pain I am in.

 

He is not the person you thought he was, that's for sure. He has no conscious nor does he care about how much he hurts you. He's in denial and will never ever admit to his faults, his mistakes. It's easier for him to put all the blame on you and make you the bad guy so he'll never have to face what a horrible human being he has been.

[BuddyX]

Totally get you on the cheating. It does a number on you. Someone posted the following on LS a while ago.

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse."

[Lady Hamilton]

Maybe he's projecting anger into you because he's mad at himself. Maybe it's meds. Maybe it's guilt. Maybe it's things you are doing to him or perceives you are doing to him that irk him. If he didn't cheat (because as you said, you're not sure he actually did) and actually ended the relationship before he started dating somebody else, I can't imagine he'd be thrilled that your accusing him of cheating and calling his new girlfriend a tramp. That's enough to tweak some noses, for sure.

 

Or maybe it's that breakups suck and "getting what he wants" doesn't negate the irritation of a break in a relationship that lasted longer than some marriages.

 

As to why he's reaching out, while three weeks is a pretty considerable amount of time post-split, there are still things to be worked out. Names taken off bills. Joint money split. Joint accounts and awards divided up. Property to be distributed. It's not like either one of you can say "bye" and that's it. He's owed a share of the life you built up too, so it's not the crime if the century to ask how it will be settled. And having money now doesn't negate his share of joint assets.

 

I wouldn't take it personally when he wants to get into joint assets, his name off joint bills (three weeks past breakup, his name shouldn't be on them anyway if he's not living with you) and, if you are concerned or don't know how to divide it up, contact a lawyer and mediate it out.

 

Sometimes, the answer to our problems are easier than we assume then to be. If he's angry, untangle your lives as quickly as possible, don't do your part to make every moment of that division a war, and move along. Don't follow up with his activities or find out about his doings as you are now, and wash your hands of him. You guys did seem to have a very volatile and confrontational relationship so it's only natural that the ending of it would be similar. Don't read into it, just do your part to mitigate it and keep moving on.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's not about joint assets we were fully split when he moved out. The home is mine and the stuff in it he took his and I kept mine

 

He is claiming bills that he was paying while we were still together and out of spite and because I confronted him with the affair decided he wanted claw back that money.

 

He was definitely having an affair, what I don't know is if it was EA or a full on PA. He met her at work, I had them followed she works in the same building. I had noticed in the past two months leading up to when he moved out there were lunches at work he was lying to me about which I let it slide and figured he was just having lunch with work buddies and didn't feel like telling me. Huge lulls in communication during the day (three hours at a time around lunch time) and this was the guy that would text me incessantly throughout the day and would panic if I was in a meeting for an 1.5 and couldn't tex. The most peculiar was the night I showed up at his place and confronted him about a lunch lull he lied to me about and I flipped out wanting to know what was going on. Apparently this was "his last straw" and dumped me two days after that. claiming I was suffocating him and that he didn't need to share with me his full whereabouts and his main concern was that I would show up at his new place again unnannounced. This was while we were working through the separation and he was insisting I sell all my stuff rent out my place and go live with him while I wanted us to to therapy work on our issues and then think about moving in together.

 

Anyway, he dumped me and was out painting the town the very next day. Ya it was an affair, on what level no idea but I have no doubt about it! So the shoe does fit sorry. Right I should accept being betrayed and look the other way and let it go because the relationship wasn't working out anyway. what kind of bullsht advice is that? sorry that doesn't suit me. I was to be married to this man, our families and lives intertwined.

 

I saw him out with his tramp last week and confronted them and asked her is she knew that he was enaged to me just three weeks ago, I also asked her if she knew he was sleeping in our bed and having sex with me while he was dating her. Her response: "I don't care!" so ya she is a tramp. Tell me what the definition of tramp is if not that?

 

That was the bills, now this past weekend I found out he broke into one of my rewards accounts that is fully under my name and he stole half the points, basically transferred them to his new account. I would have given him the points, I even offered before I found out about the affair, but the fact he went behind my back broke into the account and did that and blocks me from everything so that I can't even discuss it with him well I'm sorry but this is far from an amicable split and because of his immaturity whatever the heck has gotten into his pants making him think with his nether head and not the brain.

 

All the sordid details I just shared here are in my other thread, and I don't expect you to read up on all this before responding to this thread but question is not about your ill formed assumptions on my relationship but more so what causes a cheater to on top of betraying you become so vindictive and angry. This is exactly how his ex was according to him, she went so far as to alienate him from his kids who want nothing to do with him and "we" never understood why she hated him so much when she was the cheater. I think I am seeing the other side now and wonder if the cheater wasn't HIM instead of her.

 

I just feel like I came off of 4 years of the biggest lie in my life! So forgive me if I am not ready to "let it go" and I am not willing to rationally look the other way and be cool about sorting out finances, when I am not the one creating obstacles on top of stabbing him in the back!

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

Totally get you on the cheating. It does a number on you. Someone posted the following on LS a while ago.

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse."

 

 

ya I could never cheat on someone either for those very reasons. I don't fear being alone and if I felt I was in a situation where I needed to explore someone else I would not drag along the poor sap I am with for self-serving reasons. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, it is just not in my fibre to cheat and I have been on this earth for over 40 years and know THAt much about myself for certain. I have a lot of faults but I am not a narcissistic coward. And I would never want to ruin someone I claim to love and care about like that.

[Mr. Lucky]

All the sordid details I just shared here are in my other thread, and I don't expect you to read up on all this before responding to this thread but question is not about your ill formed assumptions on my relationship but more so what causes a cheater to on top of betraying you become so vindictive and angry.

 

SKP, your ex suffered from a mental disorder, refused therapy and never really dealt with his issues. According to you, he was cold, mean, vindictive and angry in the latter stages of the relationship.

 

Why would you expect him to be any different now ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buddhist]

Angry at himself? For what? he wanted out and got to find someone who he is excited about and who he can run off into the sunset with while I am here picking up the pieces.

 

It's his way of creating emotional distance between you. Obviously if you've run off with someone else you want to focus on them and not have guilt and all sorts of confusing feelings happening over the person you left behind. It's psychologically easier to just start seeing the other person a beyond redemption to justify to yourself why you've done what you have. People don't ever do things they consider is wrong. They always feel justified in their actions, and they have to twist a story in their heads in order to justify it a great deal of the time.

 

I'm sorry I know I sound bitter but he is THE LAST person I ever imagined would be unfaithful he really lead me on for 4 years to believe he was anything but a cheater. The shock of knowing this is too much to bear. Like how will ever trust anyone again when he had me fooled so well. I can handle that we had problems that the relationship had its fair share of issues but the betrayal I was truly blindsided and I am really struggling with it. Not to mention we were to be married next year. Not to mention all I did and gave for this man when he was down and out and had no one but me to support him.

 

The thing is he probably wasn't fooling your for 4yrs. It's very likely he was in love with you for most of those years and didn't see himself cheating either. This story that you're telling yourself that he's a cheater (makes a career out of it) does not serve you, because it makes you think someone has duped you purposefully just to hurt you. That's probably not the truth. The truth is probably closer to the relationship became stale and painful in the manner they usually do, someone more exciting came along and he decided it wasn't worth trying to work things out. So he jumped ship and now has to create emotional distance between himself and you, mostly likely precisely because he did care about you. You can't just shut that off instantly.

 

Please stop telling me to "let it go" I know when I will let it go. If you have some insight great but why post on here to tell me "Stop thinking about it" clearly i won't so it's futile to even say that

 

Yep I understand this phase of the betrayal well. You want answers, you want to discover what went on, why it went on, how it was someone who loved you no longer does. It's part of the process of grieving a lost relationship. I won't tell you to let it go but I will tell you this, because it truly does help.

 

Get a story about this relationship straight in your head. It doesn't matter if it's the truth or not. As long as it's a story you're happy explains all the circumstances to you. Once you have that story, believe it, consider the investigations over and focus on the next aspect of grief. Acceptance. You can get stuck in the 'why' phase for a lot longer than necessary otherwise. Realise that you will probably revisit the 'why' many times and each time amending the story or finding answers to another piece of the puzzle. That's fine it's part of the process too.

[Mind-Chants]

Can one of you insightful folks please explain to me where all this man's anger towards me comes from, why he is blaming me for all of our issues, why is he on a vendetta trying to get revenge on me by being petty and doing very hurtful mean things to show me our relationship meant less than garbage to him when he is the one who deceived me turned out to be a huge pathological liar and cheat?

 

Cognitive dissonance : There is a tendency for individuals to seek consistency among their cognitions (i.e., relationship beliefs, opinions). When there is an inconsistency between attitudes or behaviors (cheating - dissonance), something must change to eliminate the dissonance. In the case of a discrepancy between attitudes and behavior, it is most likely that the attitude (towards your relationship) will change to accommodate the behavior.

 

Step 1 - Good relationship between you two. Positive attitude towards the relationship.

Step 2 - He cheated. Conflict between attitude and behavior

Step 3 - Change in attitude to bring consistency with behavior. Creates negative attitude for the relationship. I did it because the relationship was not that good.

Step 4 - Pulls cr*p on you.

 

We have psychological defense mechanisms that protect us from being hurt. Ex- Repressed memories. For a cheater, guilt is a powerful emotion and it takes a hit on self-esteem and self-efficacy. Our innate psychology immediately swings to action to protect the ego from the psychological wounds caused by guilt. How it happens??? Blame shifting and cognitive dissonance (making very insignificant aspect look significant just for justification).

 

So there is no you or nothing on you, it’s just his crazy mind.

Look at the bright side – it is easy to forgive someone than let go the guilt. Guilt as a burden is very difficult to carry for years to come. It haunts people. Look at yourself, you must have some guilt for doing things that you shouldn’t have done but you must have forgotten things that you have forgiven. The burden is on him unless he is a psychopath (not capable of remorse).