Why is the WP so angry when they are the cheaters?

[Lady Hamilton]

Ok, but see, here's the problem... The relationship was volatile. You've thrown your ring at him. You've told him to leave. You say there have been long term trust issues. You talk about how he was mean to you, but to be frank, having him followed and "freaking out" on him is also behavior that could be termed equally volatile and confrontational... Which could go a long way to explaining his anger... Especially since you're angry for the same reasons.

 

I understand your suspicions about cheating. I get your anger about his leaving. But it wasn't out of the blue. You had broken up recently and we're trying to reconcile. And looking at your other thread, you've been in the rocks for awhile.

 

So you would have given him the reward points anyway... So being upset he didn't go about getting them in the manner in which you'd preferred isn't worth it. It's not a battle worth picking, especially by taking half (and by admitting you'd have given him half), it's a clear sign that regardless of who's name was where, everybody agreed the points were accrued jointly as an asset.

 

It's just that, the more you share, the more comes out as to why he's probably upset. Having them followed, public confrontations, name calling... Especially 3 weeks after a breakup? It goes a pretty long way to explaining both his anger issues and why he wants zero communication with you. I mean, honestly, saying you don't want to be cool about dividing assets and the breakup... You're working to shut down communication by stating and behaving that way.

 

As to the new girlfriend's reaction... If they were cheating, clearly she's not going to care because in a relatively short window (you say two months) he ended the relationship to be with her. If they weren't cheating, then she's also not going to care he was with you before her. Either way, if he's told her half the stories you have, she's probably developed some very definite opinions on you and I suspect, post confrontation, they didn't sit down for a heart-to-heart that was her saying "I had no idea, why did you do that to her, you're so cruel?" I more suspect she said "holy cow... All that stuff you told me... Was 100% true." And because she clearly gets that you want him back, they probably bonded over the whole incident, strengthening the relationship, not hurting it as you were hoping would happen. Especially since I bet their initial bonding over lunch was over stories of how your relationship was in dire straights.

 

It has been three weeks... I get you aren't ready, but now is the time to start looking forward, not back. To start making an effort towards moving on. Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't, but regardless, that doesn't justify volatile behavior on your part. If you want easy communication between the two of you, you need to facilitate that on your end too. If you can't, get a lawyer, go to mediation, have them facilitate communication and division of assets. Domestic litigation is common, even without a marriage, and you both have rights when it comes to dividing assets and property. If you can't communicate civilly, that's the way to go to get this done so you can move on.

 

The relationship is over. There's no point in holding grudges and seeking retaliation or making the breakup harder than it already is. I get it hurts, but writing was on the wall for the relationship. I suspect that the whole 4 years wasn't a lie... I suspect that things were great, then the relationship fell apart, then you split, then he attached to this other woman, then despite the brief R, he was ready to just leave the relationship as it hadn't been functional in quite awhile, by your own account. I suspect he agreed to R because he thought he owed you something, then when the same problems came back, then he was ready to call it quits. To be totally honest, the fact he agreed to R seems to point to him not cheating than to his cheating. If he was cheating and wanted out, after your first breakup he wouldn't have been inclined to R if he was already with somebody else.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ok, but see, here's the problem... The relationship was volatile. You've thrown your ring at him. You've told him to leave. You say there have been long term trust issues. You talk about how he was mean to you, but to be frank, having him followed and "freaking out" on him is also behavior that could be termed equally volatile and confrontational... Which could go a long way to explaining his anger... Especially since you're angry for the same reasons.

 

I understand your suspicions about cheating. I get your anger about his leaving. But it wasn't out of the blue. You had broken up recently and we're trying to reconcile. And looking at your other thread, you've been in the rocks for awhile.

 

I had him followed because he left me hanging after I sent him the letter. The response in that letter had a few things he said that left me wondering what was going on. At that point he was already seeing her that was two days after he dumped (and I didn't know we were done because he wasn't speaking to me that is what he was doing lately he would start a fight over nothing the last straw was when he pulled the bait and switch on me and blamed me for something I didn't do and then went quiet for 4 days which is when I showed up at his place confronted him about the lies and wanted to know what in the world was going on) After that night he went quiet again and on the weekend he played around about picking up some things which I was more than accommodating for him to get but he kept pretending he missed my text and if I emailed he said he wasn't checking his email and vice versa the whole weekend went by and he didn't get his things claiming he wasn't seeing my messages at this point he was out with his new chick. the week to follow I had him followed and confirmed what I was suspecting and found out all that I did. The week following he also came to get his things and kept me hanging about needing space and to sort through some things before he could respond to my letter of apology.

 

so ya I am angry that he wanted his cake and eat it too at that point he could have just said no, apology not accepted we are not going to work on this any more. He didn't say that he left it open ended meanwhile I found out why.

 

So you would have given him the reward points anyway... So being upset he didn't go about getting them in the manner in which you'd preferred isn't worth it. It's not a battle worth picking, especially by taking half (and by admitting you'd have given him half), it's a clear sign that regardless of who's name was where, everybody agreed the points were accrued jointly as an asset.

 

yup if there was discussion I would have given him the points but instead he went behind my back and tried to steal them. The date he broke into the account and made the transfer was a week later and the day after I confronted him via email he was still leading me on telling me that he missed me and was struggling hard to get over all the good and yet he had been seeing her for two weeks now. It's the fact he broke into my account that was sketchy and low. we could have talked about it but he chose not to.

 

As to the new girlfriend's reaction... If they were cheating, clearly she's not going to care because in a relatively short window (you say two months) he ended the relationship to be with her. If they weren't cheating, then she's also not going to care he was with you before her. Either way, if he's told her half the stories you have, she's probably developed some very definite opinions on you and I suspect, post confrontation, they didn't sit down for a heart-to-heart that was her saying "I had no idea, why did you do that to her, you're so cruel?" I more suspect she said "holy cow... All that stuff you told me... Was 100% true." And because she clearly gets that you want him back, they probably bonded over the whole incident, strengthening the relationship, not hurting it as you were hoping would happen. Especially since I bet their initial bonding over lunch was over stories of how your relationship was in dire straights.

 

That was last week and well after all the other stuff happened. And yes perhaps it did help them bond but they were in a fight leaving the store I saw them for a block to come an they were clearly arguing down the street. So something in what I said revealed lies or some discrepancy in their little love tryst because they were at odds walking down the street.

 

It has been three weeks... I get you aren't ready, but now is the time to start looking forward, not back. To start making an effort towards moving on. Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't, but regardless, that doesn't justify volatile behavior on your part. If you want easy communication between the two of you, you need to facilitate that on your end too. If you can't, get a lawyer, go to mediation, have them facilitate communication and division of assets. Domestic litigation is common, even without a marriage, and you both have rights when it comes to dividing assets and property. If you can't communicate civilly, that's the way to go to get this done so you can move on.

 

No he definitely cheated and there is no separation of assets everything was separated when he moved out. When I confronted him about the cheating he tried to claw back old bills that were paid while we were still together. he had gotten lazy about paying for the mortgage the past two months before he moved out and I never claimed it and he was trying to claw back bills he paid last month while we were still together, all because I blew his cover and put a wrench in his plans by shutting the door on him when his plan was to drag me along while playing things out with his new chick.

 

The relationship is over. There's no point in holding grudges and seeking retaliation or making the breakup harder than it already is. I get it hurts, but writing was on the wall for the relationship. I suspect that the whole 4 years wasn't a lie... I suspect that things were great, then the relationship fell apart, then you split, then he attached to this other woman, then despite the brief R, he was ready to just leave the relationship as it hadn't been functional in quite awhile, by your own account. I suspect he agreed to R because he thought he owed you something, then when the same problems came back, then he was ready to call it quits. To be totally honest, the fact he agreed to R seems to point to him not cheating than to his cheating. If he was cheating and wanted out, after your first breakup he wouldn't have been inclined to R if he was already with somebody else.

 

I'm not the one breaking into his accounts trying to get some monetary anything from him, yet he is doing that to me.

 

the relationship wasn't over according to him, the same day he moved out we decided we were still going to be together. We went to my SILs funeral two days after and spent time with his family and although we told them we were living separately we also told them we were working on repairing. But there was no repairing, it was basically him pushing me to sell my things rent my place and go live in his new space to have a "fresh new start" and me saying we need to fix things first before we do that but he wanted none of that. He didn't want to go to therapy, he didn't want to have a game plan in place he just basically wanted to come over coast along and make as if our problems would fix themselves. The man is 49 years old, in what world did he think that we could fix things simply by him living in a separate place and me rushing to go live with him?

 

There was no repairing the relationship because the week we had that last fight that he pulled the bait and switch on me was also the week he got all his new furniture delivered, including his bed, so he had no more need for me. He created a fight and then told me via email that same night he was not coming over and disappeared for 4 days. I went to his place on the thursday had the melt down he claimed he needed space and was feeling suffocated I left there with things unresolved. Friday he was stocking up hundreds of dollars on booze and that weekend his new chick was over pretty much every day as if they had been in a relationship for years. That was also the weekend he dicked me around all weekend pretending like he wasn't seeing my messages, on text or email to come get a few clothes he had left at mine. If he emailed and I responded on email he "would miss my message" if I switched to text "didn't have his phone on him" This is the guy that was glued to his phone when we were together. So he dragged out our communication that weekend so he could see how things went with her. and when he did come to get his things was extremely mean but still no definite answer as to what we were doing. He said he needed to be alone to think about things. Ya, alone with his new tramp.

[Sunkissedpatio]

And the reason I believe he was sketchy all along, and now I don't believe he was who claimed to be for 4 years is this post #52:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/583853-waiting-response-second-chance-email-but-found-out-something-devestating-4.html#post6948222

 

Stupid me for believing him. Clearly it's his pattern.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Can one of you insightful folks please explain to me where all this man's anger towards me comes from, why he is blaming me for all of our issues, why is he on a vendetta trying to get revenge on me by being petty and doing very hurtful mean things to show me our relationship meant less than garbage to him when he is the one who deceived me turned out to be a huge pathological liar and cheat?

 

It's called "cognitive dissonance". He cheated and that goes against his personal ethics. So rather than accept that, he makes you to be the "bad guy" to ease his own guilt. It's a psychological way of justifying his actions to himself.

 

This is very common with cheaters who have said "I would never cheat".

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's called "cognitive dissonance". He cheated and that goes against his personal ethics. So rather than accept that, he makes you to be the "bad guy" to ease his own guilt. It's a psychological way of justifying his actions to himself.

 

This is very common with cheaters who have said "I would never cheat".

 

 

That makes perfect sense Betrayed and Stayed, I can just imagine the stories he is telling his family. He always comes out on top. A big red flag for me was that all his ex's were crazy or psycho. hmmmmmm what's the common denominator here?

 

that is not to say I was innocent in all our problems I made many many mistakes and had my faults, but so did he and I experienced the same level of issues and anger and detachment etc because of his actions yet I never went out and traded him in for some other dude.

 

His last ex was crazy, his ex-wife was psycho and a narcissist etc etc. now he can say his ex-fiance was psycho too. I'm officially part of the club now.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Lois_Griffin]

That was the bills, now this past weekend I found out he broke into one of my rewards accounts that is fully under my name and he stole half the points, basically transferred them to his new account. I would have given him the points, I even offered before I found out about the affair, but the fact he went behind my back broke into the account and did that and blocks me from everything so that I can't even discuss it with him well I'm sorry but this is far from an amicable split and because of his immaturity whatever the heck has gotten into his pants making him think with his nether head and not the brain.

And you haven't reported this FRAUDULENT theft to your credit card company because..why?

 

You need to make this jerk-off accountable.

 

Stop letting him walk all over you. And if you DON'T report this, then you're letting him walk all over you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Get a story about this relationship straight in your head. It doesn't matter if it's the truth or not. As long as it's a story you're happy explains all the circumstances to you. Once you have that story, believe it, consider the investigations over and focus on the next aspect of grief. Acceptance. You can get stuck in the 'why' phase for a lot longer than necessary otherwise. Realise that you will probably revisit the 'why' many times and each time amending the story or finding answers to another piece of the puzzle. That's fine it's part of the process too.

 

Buddhist I ve said this once and will say it again: I don't know who you are or what your story is and why your way with words has such an impact on me but your words soothe my soul. That last part is exactly what I need to do and why I'm here, rationally knowing I need to accept and move on but flipping back to make sense of the story I need to settle on and come terms with in my head. Thank you for your insight, truly thank you.

 

Thanks everyone for the helpful insight I truly appreciate it.

 

Lois_griffin it wasn't a credit card it was a rewards points card / profile that I had prior to meeting him and while together we just collected points on the one card. I did report him to the company they reversed the points and suspended his new account.

 

 

I reached out to him to tell him to stop messing with my things that if he needs something to ask not steal from my profile but because he has blocked me from everything he won't see it. Guess he's in for a rude awakening when he finds out.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

SKP, your ex suffered from a mental disorder, refused therapy and never really dealt with his issues. According to you, he was cold, mean, vindictive and angry in the latter stages of the relationship.

 

Why would you expect him to be any different now ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because he was also very loving and warm and affectionate and making love to me the entire three weeks we were living apart and insisting he wanted us to work though things because I was the love of his life right up until that week he got his furniture and he decided to flip the script and look for a reason to get away and be with his mistress that same weekend. That's why.

[dreamingoftigers]

Angry at himself? For what? he wanted out and got to find someone who he is excited about and who he can run off into the sunset with while I am here picking up the pieces.

 

Why would he angry at himself? He is in love according to what I have seen (I have my ways of knowing this) they are telling each other they love each other forever and he is dropping all kinds of cash on this troll of a woman (he downgraded big time)

 

I'm sorry I know I sound bitter but he is THE LAST person I ever imagined would be unfaithful he really lead me on for 4 years to believe he was anything but a cheater. The shock of knowing this is too much to bear. Like how will ever trust anyone again when he had me fooled so well. I can handle that we had problems that the relationship had its fair share of issues but the betrayal I was truly blindsided and I am really struggling with it. Not to mention we were to be married next year. Not to mention all I did and gave for this man when he was down and out and had no one but me to support him.

 

Please stop telling me to "let it go" I know when I will let it go. If you have some insight great but why post on here to tell me "Stop thinking about it" clearly i won't so it's futile to even say that

 

You sound like me early on.

 

I hate phrases like "just let it go", "it wasn't meant to be" (how the F is that supposed to help anyway?) And "get over it" (like there's some kind of Get Over It Instantly manual you're supposed to buy off of Amazon).

 

Similar to you, my husband blindsided me four years in. And how did they 'fool' you? I don't think THEY even knew they were jerks like this. I think there are a few types of cheaters. Not just one. There's the predatorial type. You know, the married guy that goes out pretending he's single. The type that acts like a Vagina Collection Agent. Generally that type will flag to a healthy woman. We won't have anything to do with an obvious player.

 

But then there's these nice guys who are just really immature, and go for anything new and sparkly. You see, they can be harder to figure out because they don't have a PLAN to screw you over. They just aren't that bright in regards to "oh hey, if I do this, these are the consequences that are coming down the pipe." My husband is totally this. And when he got caught, he was a total idiot about it. Like raging, pissing mad. Blaming me etc. And I would have none of it. Until this ridiculous counselor tried to convince me otherwise. (Year from Hell, he kept saying "I did this because you shamed me" regardless of the fact that I didn't "shame him" until he got caught. But that's cheater logic for you.)

 

Truth is, healthier people tend to work more with the front part of their brain and navigate life THINKING about actions and consequences.

 

Others (large percentage) do "what feels good in the moment." Often they confuse intimacy with Intensity & newness. Then the fantasy wears off and they repeat the cycle. So, instead of thinking about what his dumb ass was doing, he just said in his brain "well, if I want to cheat, that means my relationship must be bad. And since I'm a nice guy, it must be my girlfriend's fault. And if my girlfriend is so bad and I want to keep this new sparkly thing, it must mean I LOVE this person. Because, hormones."

 

It's really about that simple. On a logic level, it's obvious he's an arsehole. So he's MAD about that. "Why does it look like I'M an arsehole!? I'm a nice guy. Everyone tells me so! Even my Mom! I used to be a happy guy before all of these consequences happened! My stupid ex making me feel bad! She's crazy! She even knows I'm a nice guy and now she doesn't even want me to be happy with my new shiny thing! I'm mad at her!"

 

He places himself in the role of a victim while victimizing someone else. It's pretty typical for people with low impulse-control and low understanding of their own feelings and actions/consequences.

 

Here's why I think your ex has low impulse control.

 

1. He cheated. He totally did. He could've left. He could've talked to you about relationship issues. Instead he cheated, which is honestly really a stupid thing to do in general.

 

2. He couldn't figure out which way he wanted to go. He suddenly split. Wanted back together and then suddenly split again. That doesn't show stability.

 

3. He's "in love" about two days after leaving you. Even if he's been dating her a bit, he hasn't dates her exclusively very long and he's jumping in head first. I suggest you don't take this too personally or seriously. I had an ex-friend like this and she left her husband for his brother (yeah, I know). Then left the brother for his friend. Then after mooching off of the friend for six months she ran off with that guys best friend. They are still together but that guy WANTS to provide everything for her and have her pretty dependent on HIM. They'll probably be together for quite awhile. But that stuff isn't healthy. Does ANY of that sound like love? Because to me it just sounds like getting caught up in the fantasy or something "new" where they triangulate against the ex. "Oh thank goodness you rescued me." Lame.

 

4. You mentioned he spent a crap ton of money on her. Blah ha ha. Low impulse control. Let me tell you, you dodged a bullet here. Yes it hurts like Hell for now, I know these guys can connect so well in the moment. But they are often a long-term disaster unless they get their crap together. Which doesn't happen often.

[TrustedthenBusted]

They get angry because nobody enjoys being held accountable for their actions, least of all by someone they don't feel they need to answer to in the first place.

[dreamingoftigers]

you're right, it is too complex to simply answer here with your takes on my situation. It isn't so much that I need you to make sense of my situation it was more to hear comments about the anger. Why cheaters become so angry and vile when they are the perpetrators.

 

The hardest part to accept is that he was LEAST person I would have expected would cheat. His ex wife cheated on him and seeing the pain it caused him I never imagined he would do something like that himself. Not to mention we have had the discussion many many times and he just did not fit the profile of someone who would. That is why I am plagued with questions and having such a hard go at this. I feel like I can't even trust myself to see someone for who they really are. This really did a number on me.

 

I am in therapy but right now I just have so many questions.... It'll pass I am sure....

 

Being a cheater after he was cheated on means he KNOWS he's an arsehole.

 

What a tool.

 

I'm sorry. Are you 110% sure his EX did the cheating. Often cheaters say that. Makes it tough to sift them out.

[wmacbride]

It's like a three year old who knocks over their milk then blames anyone an everyone else they can for their actions.

 

Logic simply does not apply

[Sunkissedpatio]

Dreamingoftigers wow that was a brilliant post! Thank you for that.

 

He most definitely has low impulse control! I've had him make a scene and storm off angry at my family gatherings because he and I were having a word to the side. He's slammed countless doors to the point of unhinging one, punched a hole in another door, during our first two years if we had a fight he would break up with me then beg me to take him back days later finally I took him up on it and broke up for good he begged me for a month to reconsider and I was really in love with him so I did take him back because overall things were great it was just we couldn't have a disagreement that it would escalate and he would break up. We ended up moving in together and six months later it started again he would pack his things and threaten to move out if we had a fight this happended twice more and I said go, can't do this, can't trust you like this and he stopped. lost his job after that went into depression you know the rest.

 

So ya low impulse control to say the least! It's funny how some people without knowing my full story are calling out things that totally fit, others I'm putting all the details on here and are insisting for some imagined other meaning.

 

I really appreciate all the insight none the less!

[dreamingoftigers]

I fully agree Dichotomy! I feel like the meds changed him into something very different than the man I knew and fell in love with. It fixed some of the insecurity issues which lifted a lot of our problems due to that but it created a whole slew of other issues and he became very cold, stubborn and callous and extremely mean. Basically a different man..

 

Medication has made both myself and my husband very different people at times.

 

He reacted VERY poorly to Dexedrine.

 

I reacted VERY poorly to Wellbutrin. VERY poorly.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if that had an effect.

 

In fact, I would not be surprised if Wellbutrin wasn't responsible for a few homicides. I am not a ragey person AT ALL. But I found myself getting uncontrollably angry and not even caring. It was me finally saying to myself, "if you don't get off of this stuff, someone is going to end up hurt." And I threw a lasagna, which my husband saw and said, "okay, I agree, the medication isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing."

[Sunkissedpatio]

Being a cheater after he was cheated on means he KNOWS he's an arsehole.

 

What a tool.

 

I'm sorry. Are you 110% sure his EX did the cheating. Often cheaters say that. Makes it tough to sift them out.

 

I don't know anymore! All these years I thought she did now I do t know anymore she alienated the kids from him so there must have been more to that story. And read a couple of my posts back here where I linked to post #52 in my other thread about an email I found regarding his last relationship.

 

Maybe I've been with a sociopath, I just don't know. My entire family found him odd too eager to please always mr wonderful always trying to be the perfect man helping out etc there was something about him they didn't trust I never paid attention just figured he was a nice guy. But he was nice to people's faces the moment we'd step away the hyper criticism would ensue and I'd thought he had a great time while really he was observing and criticing my siblings' parenting styles my parents their friends you name it. Also he was great as long as I was praising his efforts the moment I disagreed with something he did I'd see Jekyll and all my existence became absolutes - "you don't appreciate me you're never happy, nothing I do is right. " he became the martyr and I became the ogre but of course all those months of me appreciating him showing hi how much I loved him and took care of him and bent over backwards to show my appreciation meant nothing to him the one point I wasn't happy about became everything. I gave and did so much for this man!ugh...

[Sunkissedpatio]

Medication has made both myself and my husband very different people at times.

 

He reacted VERY poorly to Dexedrine.

 

I reacted VERY poorly to Wellbutrin. VERY poorly.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if that had an effect.

 

In fact, I would not be surprised if Wellbutrin wasn't responsible for a few homicides. I am not a ragey person AT ALL. But I found myself getting uncontrollably angry and not even caring. It was me finally saying to myself, "if you don't get off of this stuff, someone is going to end up hurt." And I threw a lasagna, which my husband saw and said, "okay, I agree, the medication isn't doing what it is supposed to be doing."

 

Omg exactly!! He was on Effexor. He went on Wellbutrin at the mid point of being on Effexor claiming he felt his libido was slowing but our sex life hadn't changed it was great actually he was more apathetic in general though didn't want to do as much slept more. So he tried Wellbutrin with the Effexor for those two weeks it was like he was on speed raging and on edge and angry at everything snapping even having erectile issues. I begged him to go off it so he did.

[Liam1]

Hi I have been on this site for a few weeks and posting my story in the breakups section but I am seeing there is a lot of sound advice being given in this area of the forum and would love your input. You can read about my story here I won't go into all the details here.

 

 

In your link you acknowledge that you had an enmeshed relationship.

 

Enmeshed relationships are typically not healthy.

 

You acknowledge that you expected "a lot of each other" and were "accusing" each other of untrue things based on fears and insecurities and past hurts.

 

None of those things are healthy and likely why your relationship failed.

 

As for him projecting blame? Are you sure?

 

No one is completely BLAMELESS when a relationship fails. Both parties played a role.

 

Perhaps individual counseling will help you see the relationship more clearly, and the things you were BOTH doing that led to its demise.

 

Counseling will prevent you from repeating old patterns in a new relationship.

 

You can not change your ex, but you can change yourself.

 

Being willing to accept and acknowledge your own faults will make you a healthier and better person.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Liam1 I'm in therapy single and group. I am acknowledging my faults and issues and working to get to the bottom of them. I do not blame him for our rel demise but he definitely contributed HE on the other hand is blaming me for our entire rel. problems he insists he had to leave me because it was I who destroyed the relationship. He has taken 0 accountability and is viciously angry with me.

 

He's off with his mistress professing I love you forever two weeks after he was sleeping with me and telling me those words while I'm here in therapy trying to pick up the pieces.

 

You can do the math.

[Liam1]

Liam1 I'm in therapy single and group. I am acknowledging my faults and issues and working to get to the bottom of them. I do not blame him for our rel demise but he definitely contributed HE on the other hand is blaming me for our entire rel. problems he insists he had to leave me because it was I who destroyed the relationship. He has taken 0 accountability and is viciously angry with me.

 

He's off with his mistress professing I love you forever two weeks after he was sleeping with me and telling me those words while I'm here in therapy trying to pick up the pieces.

 

You can do the math.

 

Well, it is likely impossible that he had ZERO blame.

 

You know that, I know that your therapy group and counselor knows that.

 

Again, you can NOT change him. You can only change you.

 

The fact that he will NOT accept any responsibility or blame shows that he is a very emotionally weak and damaged person.

 

In therapy you can work on yourself and you can learn to recognize emotionally unhealthy people going forward.

 

I am glad you are in counseling. I wish you all the best.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet... be thankful and move on

[Lady Hamilton]

I had him followed because he left me hanging after I sent him the letter. The response in that letter had a few things he said that left me wondering what was going on. At that point he was already seeing her that was two days after he dumped (and I didn't know we were done because he wasn't speaking to me that is what he was doing lately he would start a fight over nothing the last straw was when he pulled the bait and switch on me and blamed me for something I didn't do and then went quiet for 4 days which is when I showed up at his place confronted him about the lies and wanted to know what in the world was going on) After that night he went quiet again and on the weekend he played around about picking up some things which I was more than accommodating for him to get but he kept pretending he missed my text and if I emailed he said he wasn't checking his email and vice versa the whole weekend went by and he didn't get his things claiming he wasn't seeing my messages at this point he was out with his new chick. the week to follow I had him followed and confirmed what I was suspecting and found out all that I did. The week following he also came to get his things and kept me hanging about needing space and to sort through some things before he could respond to my letter of apology.

 

so ya I am angry that he wanted his cake and eat it too at that point he could have just said no, apology not accepted we are not going to work on this any more. He didn't say that he left it open ended meanwhile I found out why.

 

 

 

yup if there was discussion I would have given him the points but instead he went behind my back and tried to steal them. The date he broke into the account and made the transfer was a week later and the day after I confronted him via email he was still leading me on telling me that he missed me and was struggling hard to get over all the good and yet he had been seeing her for two weeks now. It's the fact he broke into my account that was sketchy and low. we could have talked about it but he chose not to.

 

 

 

That was last week and well after all the other stuff happened. And yes perhaps it did help them bond but they were in a fight leaving the store I saw them for a block to come an they were clearly arguing down the street. So something in what I said revealed lies or some discrepancy in their little love tryst because they were at odds walking down the street.

 

 

 

No he definitely cheated and there is no separation of assets everything was separated when he moved out. When I confronted him about the cheating he tried to claw back old bills that were paid while we were still together. he had gotten lazy about paying for the mortgage the past two months before he moved out and I never claimed it and he was trying to claw back bills he paid last month while we were still together, all because I blew his cover and put a wrench in his plans by shutting the door on him when his plan was to drag me along while playing things out with his new chick.

 

 

 

I'm not the one breaking into his accounts trying to get some monetary anything from him, yet he is doing that to me.

 

the relationship wasn't over according to him, the same day he moved out we decided we were still going to be together. We went to my SILs funeral two days after and spent time with his family and although we told them we were living separately we also told them we were working on repairing. But there was no repairing, it was basically him pushing me to sell my things rent my place and go live in his new space to have a "fresh new start" and me saying we need to fix things first before we do that but he wanted none of that. He didn't want to go to therapy, he didn't want to have a game plan in place he just basically wanted to come over coast along and make as if our problems would fix themselves. The man is 49 years old, in what world did he think that we could fix things simply by him living in a separate place and me rushing to go live with him?

 

There was no repairing the relationship because the week we had that last fight that he pulled the bait and switch on me was also the week he got all his new furniture delivered, including his bed, so he had no more need for me. He created a fight and then told me via email that same night he was not coming over and disappeared for 4 days. I went to his place on the thursday had the melt down he claimed he needed space and was feeling suffocated I left there with things unresolved. Friday he was stocking up hundreds of dollars on booze and that weekend his new chick was over pretty much every day as if they had been in a relationship for years. That was also the weekend he dicked me around all weekend pretending like he wasn't seeing my messages, on text or email to come get a few clothes he had left at mine. If he emailed and I responded on email he "would miss my message" if I switched to text "didn't have his phone on him" This is the guy that was glued to his phone when we were together. So he dragged out our communication that weekend so he could see how things went with her. and when he did come to get his things was extremely mean but still no definite answer as to what we were doing. He said he needed to be alone to think about things. Ya, alone with his new tramp.

 

So... Long story short, you guys are doing things to irritate each other, and it's working.

 

You feel all you're doing is justified because you're upset and want to punish him and his new girlfriend. You feel what you do is a means to an end and appropriate because you want him back and, baring that, you want to hurt him.

 

He feels justified because he's dividing half of what he feels are joint assets and because after a rocky relationship he wanted out and has moved on and is irritated you haven't and you're expending so much energy being disruptive, something he feels is a continuation of the behavior in the relationship and a reason he ended it.

 

So the end result is that you'll be sniping at each other forever, or you will have to change the only behavior you can change... Your own.

 

If you were going to give him the points, getting upset that he didn't ask the right way is pointless. Following them down the street to spy on them, having them followed because you don't like the non-answer you got to an email, and confronting them to chase her off is equally pointless. Plus, it further escalates his behavior and reinforces that all these claims he made about your irrationally, uncontrolled behavior is accurate.

 

After three weeks, it's time to look forward, not back. Regain the high road by not engaging and stopping with the behavior that enables his bad behavior and compromises your dignity. Let them do what they do and be too focused on your own moving on to worry about him.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Lady you must be a cheater because most of what you are playing devil's advocate on is coming from your preconceived notions and experiential biase because you keep insisting in things I've already clarified:

 

There are no "separation of assets" that was done when he moved out and I was more than generous during the split the turd broke into my points profile and stole my points. Points I offered to give him when we were splitting and he refused because he claimed I should keep them. He just so "happened to change his mind" a day after I confronted him with the affair told him I wanted nothing more to do with him and put a wrench in his plans to eat cake! So no I am not going out of my way to bug him I am going out of my way to ignore him since and he is trying to get revenge.

 

Before that he wanted to claw back money for bills that were our bills while we were still living together and his responsibility to pay considering I footed the full mortgage payments past two months.

One of the bills I did keep tied to his account because I knew he'd reach out to straighten that out and that was my in to co front him about what I knew re the affair. Remember, he blocked me from everything so I had no way of knowing when or how he'd read/react the confrontation of affair.

 

I didn't stalk them into a store in fact he moved to the other side of town he and his tramp came into a store in my neighbourhood I saw them walk in and followed to confront.

 

The one thing I did do was pay an investigator to follow him to get to the bottom of what wAs this "some things I need to see through first" in response to my apology letter. And I found out what he needed to see through alright, kinda hard to see through our relationship future when there is a pssy in the way. No regrets about having him followed I'd still be waiting for that response beating myself up for all the things I did wrong thinking I chased a good man away when in fact I got rid of a maggot. I'd call him a POS but sht is too good for him.

 

I don't know where you get this idea I am here looking to change him, I'm looking to understand the mind of what drives a person to despicable actions and on top of it defer all blame onto the victim. And ya I am the victim because he cheated, he lied, he lead me on and wanted his cake right till the end. So forgive me if I'm one month out and I am not ready to "move on and let it go" If I were at a point where that were true I wouldn't be in here seeking answers and subjecting myself to ridiculous comments like yours.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

After three weeks, it's time to look forward, not back. Regain the high road by not engaging and stopping with the behavior that enables his bad behavior and compromises your dignity. Let them do what they do and be too focused on your own moving on to worry about him.

 

Are you kidding me? LOL So look the other way and accept the asshoke breaking into my account and stealing points behind my back and take the "high road" Ya not gonna happen sorry.

 

I'm trying to move on but every week it's a new angry surprise from him who has trailed off into the sunset with his new soulmate but feels the need to keep taking more jabs at me.

 

Oh and he cut me off our dental plan two weeks ago too even though my last appointment was book pre-break up and because he blocked me from communication I coukdnt straighten that out. Went I had 2k worth of work done which was supposed to be covered 80% and I had to pay the entire thing out of pocket. He spent nearly 20k (our wedding money) on his tramp in three weeks and is nickle and diming me in a $90 hydro bill for our place? Are you fckn kidding me? Of course he doesn't know I know he blew all the wedding money in last month which makes him and his attempts at getting more from me when Ive gone strict NC since D day makes him THAT MUCH MORE PATHETIC

Edited June 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[BlueIris]

That guy needs to leave you alone and if he breaks into your accounts, file a police report. That makes him a criminal, not just some pissy ex.

[Sunkissedpatio]

That guy needs to leave you alone and if he breaks into your accounts, file a police report. That makes him a criminal, not just some pissy ex.

 

No kidding! I let the rewards company deal with it. As any normal human being would considering his actions. He's luck I don't go to the police and ruin his white collar executive job with a criminal record.

 

Good riddance to that piece of work!