doIknowmenow Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Hi all!!! I'm considering divorce after 6 1/2 years!!!!! Actually we broke up in April, but I still live with him and it is getting harder to leave the more I stay! I even put my ring back on for a short time and we started saying I love you and he kisses me sometimes. He's been super nice about the whole thing so it's making me second guess the whole thing. I have a really good situation financially and stuff if I stay. But I don't feel connected to him at all and don't feel connected to my life. I feel like everything is out of my hands and I have no control over anything. I just started going back to school and am loving it. But I have a lot of school to finish towards my goal and staying would be easier to finish. There's a long list of reasons I don't want to stay though so it comes back to staying out of duty to our vows or leaving because I want to not be in this situation. He says hurtful things and then makes up for it by buying extravagant gifts. If he knew me at all he'd know that I don't like gaudy, extravagant things. I like sentimental romantic things. He doesn't know how to form a bond with someone. He is a total loner. It's like he's asking me to carry his burden for him. Sex is super awkward too because it has to be very specific to what he wants and no variants. One time I said I didn't like something he was doing and he said to get used to it. He also won't touch me at all during sex. It's very disconnected. We haven't done it since January or February because I just can't handle the act anymore. I used to do it regularly for him, hoping something would change or I'd like it more but it just hasn't. To everyone we know he is a super kind generous person and I have a life of luxury but really I'm struggle from isolation. Also there's a man who has come into my life and he is in a relationship so I'm not suggesting that I'd make a pass at him but I continually try to find ways to see him because I'm he's really good company. Also I have a friend far away that I talk to on the daily who is very much for me leaving the marriage but I can't tell if it's objective advice or if he want's something from me. He is much older and I just need someone to talk to since I'm so secluded. There's also this girl from church who wants me to leave but again I can't tell if it's objective or clouded by her own terrible experiences. ok well that's my intro. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) Your husband appears to have a personality disorder that involves control and selfishness, such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder (BPD) or possibly obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD, which is different than OCD). You should follow through on your plan to divorce him, and do not be swayed by the material and financial benefits of staying with him. DO NOT pursue a relationship with anyone else until your divorce is final. Divorce is a big deal legally, financially and emotionally. DO NOT confuse the situation and muddy the waters with other men until the divorce is final. Being interested in other guys is a sign that your marriage is not right for you, but STAY AWAY from other guys for now. Your gut feeling to leave him is correct; your more superficial reasons to stay with him are not correct. His recent attempts to be nice and loving are either conscious or subconscious ways to control you, and the kindness won't stay, he'll revert to saying mean things again. A happy life and your emotional sanity are worth much more than gold. Edited June 21, 2016 by Angelica21 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 For me the second part cancelled out the first part. Any time a second man enters the picture it's hard to believe the complaints aren't simply justification 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doIknowmenow Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 Thank you for your kind reply. I agree with what you're saying. We tried counseling only after I wanted to leave, even though I had been asking for it for most of the time. Then when the counselor didn't work out neither of us has looked for a new counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doIknowmenow Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 DKT3 I understand you are quick to assume that my husband is actually a really great person and I'm making up everything to justify something that I'm doing. I think what it gets down to is staying for the Catholic view of a Duty based marriage vs. the Protestant view of a Feelings based marriage. I stated already that I would not engage in any kind of affair with either men that I talk to. I want to make that really clear. Even if I left my marriage, there wouldn't be a relationship with either man. The post was more about do I stay in a marriage because of the promise I made, or do I leave for the possibility of a better life. I think the people I've come across lately are like lanterns showing me there is a light, they are literally the goal. Does that make sense? They are a gauge to show me where I'm at... I'm guessing you are more of a Catholic view person? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 DKT3 I understand you are quick to assume that my husband is actually a really great person and I'm making up everything to justify something that I'm doing. I think what it gets down to is staying for the Catholic view of a Duty based marriage vs. the Protestant view of a Feelings based marriage. I stated already that I would not engage in any kind of affair with either men that I talk to. I want to make that really clear. Even if I left my marriage, there wouldn't be a relationship with either man. The post was more about do I stay in a marriage because of the promise I made, or do I leave for the possibility of a better life. I think the people I've come across lately are like lanterns showing me there is a light, they are literally the goal. Does that make sense? They are a gauge to show me where I'm at... I'm guessing you are more of a Catholic view person? I don't know anything about your husband, he isn't here you are. My point is from the time I started reading your post I was waiting for the introduction of another man. Sex isn't the only means of cheating. You have already crossed the line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author doIknowmenow Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 You like to point out flaws and not offer advice. You are not a supportive or helpful person. Men exist. Women exist. If I were talking to women you'd think nothing of my actions. I mentioned a woman in my life who thinks I should leave as well. You said nothing of her. I plan on having a relationship with her just as much as I plan on having a relationship with these other people. None of them are interested in a physical relationship, and I am not either. You have different lines than me clearly. Also: what about my husband's lines????? I am posting to get insight into my marriage, if it's something I should stay for or leave. You have completely ignored the goal of this post. You are not being welcoming to this forum or giving any helpful advice. What you are doing is being a condemning, stubborn, unforgiving person who is only here to upset. But wait! If you were nice to me, then we'd be crossing a line!!! My bad. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Wait a second. You are the one who slipped in the comment about the other "married or taken" men and you blame others for picking up on that? And you clearly defined the other woman as someone who may have a negative personal history. Ok lets call it like we always see it. "I am new here" My husband is a jerk, blah blah blah The sex is not good. I am thinking about leaving him. Except, for the financial implications (wouldnt want to struggle!!) Oh and there is another man in the picture. Or two. But of course I wont do anything. Check back with me in 3 months on that. Pillows and tissues only! Dont judge me!!!! Oh Stop. You are cheating on your husband. That's all. No ones fooling anyone here. People her are not negative. They just arent stupid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 You like to point out flaws and not offer advice. You are not a supportive or helpful person. Men exist. Women exist. If I were talking to women you'd think nothing of my actions. I mentioned a woman in my life who thinks I should leave as well. You said nothing of her. I plan on having a relationship with her just as much as I plan on having a relationship with these other people. None of them are interested in a physical relationship, and I am not either. You have different lines than me clearly. Also: what about my husband's lines????? I am posting to get insight into my marriage, if it's something I should stay for or leave. You have completely ignored the goal of this post. You are not being welcoming to this forum or giving any helpful advice. What you are doing is being a condemning, stubborn, unforgiving person who is only here to upset. But wait! If you were nice to me, then we'd be crossing a line!!! My bad. So many people don't understand how these things are all connected. You will never have a successful relationship if you don't own your sh.t. what we get from your post is my husband is crap, this other guy has shown me what a real man is ( what do you mean by that btw). Then you ask should you stay married? Btw ask the number of other women here if I'm helpful. I just call bs when I see it. Many poster here will women also. Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) I love Angelica who has diagnosed your husband without ever meeting him and probably without having a degree in psychiatry. What a whizz she must be. I didn't really get an idea of what is wrong with your husband except that the sex was bad. Did you not know this before you married him? Just curious...... And on the divorce thing. I think divorce is a serious thing. It took me almost over a year to make that decision for myself. Your post doesn't really give the key information that one would need to give you the advice. Plus it does look like you too have feelings and or actions that don't live up to your part of the bargain. So I actually cant give advice on whether to end it or not. Edited June 21, 2016 by overseas2004 Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Dear doIknowmenow: Some people do struggle with the concept of a duty-based marriage (what you call the Catholic-based concept of staying because of the vows one took) vs. the feelings-based marriage (what you call the Protestant-based concept of breaking vows if one or both spouse's behaviors or feelings for each other change). Considering that divorce rates have become very high in the United States, it appears that many people are willing to break the vows they made, believing they will be happier if they end the marriage. Of the remaining couples who are not divorced, I don't know of a way to measure how many of them are having a happy marriage, or just staying together because of duty and vows. In my opinion, if one begins by thinking about the duty aspect, one should try very hard to save a marriage and turns things around so that both husband and wife are loved and respected by each other. If the attempts to fix don't work, and the marriage is full of argument, bitterness, insults, hostility, etc. then it's better to end the marriage and give both husband and wife an opportunity to find love and respect with someone else. Rather than "duty", maybe replace that word with "love", "respect", "dignity", etc. Should I stay in a marriage because I'm receiving love, respect and dignity from my spouse and giving my spouse the same? Or should I leave the marriage because I'm no longer receiving love, respect nor dignity from my spouse, and I've tried but I can't give those things to my spouse, either. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 You say you have been broken up for months - before that happened, did you talk about the problems you have had? Have you communicated to him how isolated and alone you feel? Have you made it clear to your husband what you want and need from your relationship? If so, is he willing to work on it? Those are important questions to answer before you walk away, IMO. It sounds like the two of you could benefit from counseling, both individual and joint relationship counseling. Maybe even a sex therapist to figure out why you feel so disconnected. Has it always been this way? You say you have stayed with him hoping things would change, but hoping things will change doesn't accomplish anything. You have to first want things to change, and then actually do the work required to make those changes, whether it's in the relationship or out of it. That means actually talking about your problems and then taking concrete steps to solve them. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I love Angelica who has diagnosed your husband without ever meeting him and probably without having a degree in psychiatry. What a whizz she must be. ^^^^ Me too? Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Sorry, guys, of course you're correct that my description of her husband was unfounded. Even if I was a psychiatrist, a quickie diagnosis based on one Internet message would be, and was, ludicrous! Oh, well, I'll try to be less extreme next time. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 Catholic or not - duty is no reason to stay if the M makes you unhappy. Especially if the spouse isn't considering the others feelings within the marriage. Keep going to school and obtain your goals. If you are unhappy them divorce him. Stop contacting another man to get advice. If you want to communicate about the positive and negative things within your marriage then talk DIRECTLY to your husband! It's a betrayal to the marriage to take the marital info outside the M. You want to trash talk your H - then tell your H - so he can either change or decide to divorce you. These are things you CAN control. No one should stay out of obligation - that's not love. Link to post Share on other sites
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