I think we broke up? Not sure

[babyheart]

Boyfriend (ex?) and I have been arguing a lot lately because of push/pull hot/cold behavior from him and lack of time and communication. At first I accepted that he was just busy, stressed, whatever. He finally confessed that his feelings for me had changed. He said it was because I "pushed him to the edge" by "always wanting to talk about issues in the relationship" when he just wanted me to let it go.

 

I said that didn't make sense because I didn't start wanting to talk about issues and in fact we didn't even have any until his behavior went on for far too long, to the point where I felt neglected and alone in the relationship and he was only talking to me or making time to see me when HE needed something, whereas my needs remained unmet.

 

He said he didn't understand why I felt that way or why it was an issue. (I don't know if that means he truly didn't understand or if he was gaslighting and didn't want to take responsibility for his actions and for hurting me.)

 

I said I won't just shut up and accept bad treatment from him, like standing me up, not calling or texting me back until it was convenient for HIM, shutting me out when something he did hurt me, and generally being inconsiderate of my feelings and taking me for granted.

 

His response was, "I don't understand what you want me to do that my feelings changed. I wish they hadn't. I don't want to lose you and I'm trying to fall back in love with you."

 

I asked him what he wanted to do about us and if his feelings changing meant he wanted a time out. Clearly the more I stuck around the more we fought, so I don't know if having me in his life helps or hurts the chances of him getting those feelings back.

 

He didn't say anything.

 

I didn't know what to do either and I was still trying to process everything, and the conversation wasn't going anywhere, so I went home alone.

 

He didn't contact me the whole next day, then dropped by later that night like nothing happened. He asked why I was acting weird. I said I didn't know how to feel that he basically said he was no longer in love with me. I said I couldn't be in a one-sided relationship or go back to being friends and just sit and wait for his feelings to come back.

 

He got upset and said I was being unreasonable and crazy. I said he wasn't exactly asking me to stay either. He said, "are you serious right now?" and walked out.

 

I then texted him that I was hurt and confused and just wanted to know what he wants to do now. I also texted, "I want to be in a relationship where the feelings are mutual and to be with somebody who is as in love with me as I am with him. If you feel that you need time alone to work through things then be fair to me and say so. If you want to stay together, I will look at this as a rough patch in our relationship and we can work through it together."

 

I feel so pathetic now because it has been more than a week and he hasn't responded. Yes, he's alive and well (thanks Facebook and Instagram)

 

Should I treat this as a breakup? If so, did he break up with me or did I break up with him? Is the ball in his court? I really don't think I should be the one reaching out here...

 

I am just so baffled by this whole thing. I have no idea what happened or what is going on in his mind. I just know I feel so disrespected and if he doesn't respond by the end of the week, I will assume we have broken up.

 

What do you guys think?

[Mittens]

Why on Earth would you still want to be with someone who has told you to your face that he's no longer in love with you?

 

Personally, I feel that once that has gone, there's no getting it back. Once I've fallen out of love with someone, that's it.

 

To answer your question, yes, I would regard this relationship as being over. It shouldn't be this hard. His silence for a week tells you all you need to know.

 

Time now to go complete no contact. Delete him from all social media, lose his number and tell friends that you don't want to hear anything about him.

 

Onwards and upwards!

[Satu]

Yes, treat it a breakup, because a breakup is the best thing for you.

 

He doesn't care about hurting your feelings, and will not change.

 

Let it go and move on.

 

You will meet someone much better.

 

 

Take care.

[PegNosePete]

Should I treat this as a breakup?

Yes, actions speak louder than words. His actions are telling you very loudly that he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more.

 

If so, did he break up with me or did I break up with him?

Does it matter?

 

Is the ball in his court?

What ball? You're broken up. There is no ball any more.

[Toodaloo]

OH my days...

 

Leave the poor guy alone.

 

Sounds like he doesn't know if he is Aurther or Martha...

 

You can't make someone love you just because you tell them to.

 

Yes you have broken up and yes you need to go full no contact and move on from this.

[Zahara]

You should have enough self-respect for yourself to end a relationship whereby when your partner tells you he is no longer in love with you -- you exit. You don't have to wait for him to announce it.

 

You set yourself free based on what you know and deep down you know what you need to do but of course, it's painful. You know where you stand when you said, ""I want to be in a relationship where the feelings are mutual and to be with somebody who is as in love with me as I am with him." The rest of it is moot because it is obvious that he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore and you should move on.

[Sunnymae]

In my humble opinion, for whatever it's worth, looking at it objectively, and from what you said it sounds like he has somebody else. Generally guys don't act like this unless they have somebody else. He's making up excuses for you to not be together because he wants to be with this other girl. It's not your fault, if you are in a loving relationship people try to work it out. But this happens both to men and women, they see someone else and, and think its going to be greener on the other side. Even if you manage to contact the other person and explain to them that he's been in a relationship with you and to back off. Even if you succeed in derailing his options, it will most likely happen again. I don't know it's a tough call.

[babyheart]

Why on Earth would you still want to be with someone who has told you to your face that he's no longer in love with you?

 

Personally, I feel that once that has gone, there's no getting it back. Once I've fallen out of love with someone, that's it.

 

To answer your question, yes, I would regard this relationship as being over. It shouldn't be this hard. His silence for a week tells you all you need to know.

 

Time now to go complete no contact. Delete him from all social media, lose his number and tell friends that you don't want to hear anything about him.

 

Onwards and upwards!

 

I've already gone no contact. The text I sent him the night we last saw each other over a week ago was the last time we had any contact.

 

To answer your question, it's because he said he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He does want to save the relationship. I just didn't know if that meant work things out on his own with a break/breaking up, or with me still around. Obviously I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me as badly as I want to be with him.

 

I have seen couples where it did work out because the love and will to make the relationship work was still there. They just needed to get that spark back to fall back "in love," whether that meant taking a break to work through their own issues or staying together to remember why they fell for each other in the first place.

[babyheart]

Yes, actions speak louder than words. His actions are telling you very loudly that he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more.

 

 

Does it matter?

 

 

What ball? You're broken up. There is no ball any more.

 

He did not say he does not want to be in the relationship anymore, but you are right that his actions prove otherwise.

 

It does matter to me whether he broke up with me or I broke up with him. It helps me understand the situation and what I can learn from it. To him I broke it off by saying I didn't want to be in a one-sided relationship, to me he broke up with me by ghosting, and might as well have when he said he wasn't in love anymore.

 

To me, there's always a ball in the absence of a clean break and both parties want to save the relationship. To me, the ball is in his court because he's the one who disappeared. To him, the ball is in mine because I was the one who exited and gave up.

[babyheart]

You should have enough self-respect for yourself to end a relationship whereby when your partner tells you he is no longer in love with you -- you exit. You don't have to wait for him to announce it.

 

You set yourself free based on what you know and deep down you know what you need to do but of course, it's painful. You know where you stand when you said, ""I want to be in a relationship where the feelings are mutual and to be with somebody who is as in love with me as I am with him." The rest of it is moot because it is obvious that he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore and you should move on.

 

Thank you, yes I've already treated this as a break up and have stood by my words. I'm doing a lot better than I expected, probably because I had already done a lot of the crying/hurting when he was treating me badly the past couple months.

 

The thing is, even if the rest of it is moot, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still so confused. I'm sure I'll get to the point where I can put the confusion behind me, but it's going to take a while. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure it out to see what lessons I can learn so I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

[Zahara]

The thing is, even if the rest of it is moot, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still so confused. I'm sure I'll get to the point where I can put the confusion behind me, but it's going to take a while. In the meantime, I'm trying to figure it out to see what lessons I can learn so I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

 

It's normal that you are confused because you feel he's left in you limbo. You're struggling with hurt and denial. When you are emotional it's hard to see things for what they are and but for us looking from the outside, his behavior is very apparent. I have a strong feeling that there is someone else and that he's been waffling with you because often dumpers leave their dumpees guessing to keep the door open just incase they need a revisit when things don't go as planned with their new venture.

 

In time you will be able to see this for what it is but for now it would be best to stay NC and move on.

[babyheart]

In my humble opinion, for whatever it's worth, looking at it objectively, and from what you said it sounds like he has somebody else. Generally guys don't act like this unless they have somebody else. He's making up excuses for you to not be together because he wants to be with this other girl. It's not your fault, if you are in a loving relationship people try to work it out. But this happens both to men and women, they see someone else and, and think its going to be greener on the other side. Even if you manage to contact the other person and explain to them that he's been in a relationship with you and to back off. Even if you succeed in derailing his options, it will most likely happen again. I don't know it's a tough call.

 

This has crossed my mind, and it may or may not be the case. If it is, I won't contact the other woman and tell her to back off. Why bother? HE made that choice and it would make it so much easier for me to move on.

[babyheart]

It's normal that you are confused because you feel he's left in you limbo. You're struggling with hurt and denial. When you are emotional it's hard to see things for what they are and but for us looking from the outside, his behavior is very apparent. I have a strong feeling that there is someone else and that he's been waffling with you because often dumpers leave their dumpees guessing to keep the door open just incase they need a revisit when things don't go as planned with their new venture.

 

In time you will be able to see this for what it is but for now it would be best to stay NC and move on.

 

In bold is exactly how I feel, thank you for putting it into words.

 

In underline is why I wanted a clean break. I don't like leaving the door open, but by being uncommunicative and not giving me a definite answer that is exactly what he's doing. So I think by me walking away, I'm closing the door on my own terms.

[Trinity7]

Hi babyheart, I’m sorry you’re going through this too

 

My situation has some similarities, so I wanted to comment. My ex and I were doing great, everything was normal, but one day a couple weeks ago, out of the blue he deleted our posts on Facebook. It made me suspicious of course, so I asked him why and he acted nonchalant and was just like, “Oh I just didn’t want them on my page anymore.” I didn’t believe him and told him that.. He immediately got defensive and $hitty (which I didn’t even think he was capable of, he had never been anything but nice to me) and told me he wasn’t going to have me calling him a liar. I tried to talk to him about it, but he was cold and distant and unresponsive. Then he said not to worry, that he wasn’t going anywhere, he just needed some time to unf*** his head. He couldn’t/wouldn’t explain to me what he meant by that. This whole thing totally blindsided me seeing as he had been telling me he loved me and that I was his soulmate and that he couldn’t wait to see me that night literally hours before this happened.

 

A couple days later I checked his Facebook again and saw that he was openly talking to his ex on his page. Nothing flirty per se, but very friendly. Checked her page and saw they had been talking for at least a week or two on there. So yah, I’d say that explains his disappearing act and that’s why he had deleted my posts on his page—so he could re-friend her without her knowing him and I were together. I texted him and told him that if he couldn’t even talk to me about what was going on, I was done. Haven’t heard from him since (almost 2 weeks). The last time I checked his Facebook page (last week) he was getting ready to go visit his ex (she lives out of state) for 10 days, so assumedly that’s where he is now. I haven’t snooped on there since—too painful.

 

I’m telling you this not to hijack your thread, but to let you see if there are any similarities with your situation. When they disappear suddenly and out of the blue, it’s often because there’s someone else. I really hope this isn’t the case for you, but it would fit in with what you’ve written so far. Like someone else on your thread mentioned, they like to keep the door with us open in case things don’t go as planned with their new love interest, so they don’t officially break up with us. But I don’t know if that’s what happened in your situation.

 

I know how awful it is having those questions in your head about whether or not they ended it or you ended it or if it’s salvageable or if they really do just need some space… Ugh, it’s exhausting trying to figure it out. I’m doing the same thing. Even though I sent the final “since you won’t tell me what’s going on, I’m done” text, I feel like he did the breaking up by picking the fight, saying he wanted space and then disappearing. It tortures me because I didn’t want to break up, and I keep wondering if maybe he still wants to be together, but thinks I don’t want to be anymore, so he’s afraid to reach out.. blah blah blah.. You probably know how that train of thought goes. It really sucks.

 

So here’s what I’ve sort of learned (and am trying to internalize) this week about all that—IF they wanted to be with us, no frustrated “breakup” text we sent would have caused them to disappear.. They would’ve tried to fight it or at least talk to us about it. When you’re truly in love, you’re willing to swallow your pride and lay it on the line, so I don’t think it’s just stubbornness or pride holding them back either.

 

I think all we can do is try to stay NC and see how things unfold. It’s just awful, but I truly believe if they want to be with us and realize they’ve made a mistake, they’ll find a way to let us know that. And at that point, we can make the decision whether or not we would take them back after all that has happened. In the meantime, we need to really do some soul-searching about whether or not they are going to be good longterm matches for us even if we do get a chance at reconciliation. I’m really trying to get to a point where I wouldn’t take him back, but I’m not there yet. I keep going back and forth in my head.

 

Anyway, I really hope you get some answers and that things unfold for you however they’re best. I’m on here all the time (it helps my anxiety and grief about my situation), so will keep an eye on your thread and help if I can! In any case, know that you’re not alone x