katielee Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 It's my 50th birthday Thursday. We are planning on being at our lake home with 3 of our 4 kids (all adult) and my Mom and sister are also planning to visit. They will be at a hotel. Mom and Sister live far away so when sister comes to the midwest, she takes her DD (age 8) to see our Dad. Mom and Dad have been divorced for 40 years! This freaks Mom out. She wants sister to choose for her daughter to spend time with either Mom or my Dad. And if it's Dad she'll have nothing to do with sister or the little girl. Last night Mom called and said she had many conversations with a child psychologist and how traumatic it is for the little girl to have this conflict. Ya think? I said, then don't have the conflict. She kept saying, but do you know what he did to me? I said i don't care. I don't care WHO sister spends time with, it's none of our business. Mom said she needed to be prepared when little girl talks about Grampa. I said how about you just don't care who she sees. I said if it was my granddaughter I don't care WHAT my husband would have done, it won't take away from time with her. Mom is making my sister choose. And by all rights, my Dad is an *********. He left us and had another family. But it's her right to have her DD see him/and his family. I am LIVID that my Mom called me and wanted to know who they were seeing in the midwest (I have no idea, sister never told me, nor do I care) and I am LIVID that this week now has a damper on it and likely there will be a crisis when they arrive. I told her how UNFAIR This was to me. Seriously, WHY would someone have this grudge 40 years later and let it affect their relationships now? She doesnt' get that he/or whatever that event is holding power over her now. I'm not sure what to do. I am questioning this "child psychologist" saying that it's traumatic for the little girl (of course it is) but she needs to cowboy up and just be in her life... I don't understand this at all. And, I'm royally pissed at my sister for horning in on this vacation because she did last year too - it's not a family reunion. I invited my Mom and sister invited herself. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 (edited) My goodness, families can certainly be a mess. First of all, it's ridiculous for your mother to be carrying around all of this anger and desire for retribution 40 years later. This is what the "child psychologist" should be addressing. Secondly, it's just wrong for her to be imposing her BS on the rest of the family. There is absolutely no reason your niece shouldn't have a decent relationship with both of her grandparents. While she's the one initiating this drama, you and your sister are the ones giving her the power to impose it across the whole family. The two of you could take that power back by simply sitting her down and telling her, we're done with this. The neice WILL see her grandfather, and we hope that you will choose to continue having a full relationship with the family, but we will not be held hostage by your ultimatum. Oh she won't like it, but the chances that she will disappear forever are pretty close to zero. I guess the exception would be if she has a lot of money that you all are counting on inheriting, in which case your choice may have other consequences. Your sister wouldn't be elbowing her way into the vacation if you didn't allow it. You don't have to inform her that you're going or when. If your mother can't keep it on the down low, then don't tell her either until the day before. The worst that will happen is that she'll say she can't get ready that fast, in which case you say ok. Families without boundaries are messy like this. If you want to live in peace you need to get some boundaries and quit letting your mother and sister call all the shots. Edited June 21, 2016 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 Thanks! I will for sure tell my sister my thoughts. I have already told my Mom what I think. She is likely ill. She'll say it's our fault that she can't be a part of our lives. I have enough people in my life that I don't need her and I have money. nor do I want it from parents. But, it is SAD. very sad... I cannot believe the child psych is not seeing that her deep rooted fear in her is causing all this. I live thousands of miles away from them and this is a good thing! Link to post Share on other sites
AnnaTjacks Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I am sorry to hear this. It is your birthday and you want to enjoy it with your family and not have any drama. Your mother is deeply hurt. Sometimes it is very hard to forgive. But like you said, it is causing more harm to her than to him. Unforgiveness can be like cancer eating us away. Your mom has not healed. I was reading this interesting article that is called, the Freedom in Forgiveness. The writer talked about how one needs to admit the pain, work through it and learning how to let go. I had a hard time forgiving people for the harm they have done to me but I had to learn to let go. For me, it took a lot of prayer. Since some of the hurt came from family members and I had to talk it out too. Did your father ever say he was sorry? It's amazing how much of a difference that would make too. But of course, we can't always depend on the other person making it right. Also is it possible for your sister to just not come this time? I hope that things go well for you and that you can still have an exciting b-day. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Today is your special day!! ~~~ Happy Birthday !~~ May your joys be many. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Thanks! I will for sure tell my sister my thoughts. I have already told my Mom what I think. She is likely ill. She'll say it's our fault that she can't be a part of our lives. I have enough people in my life that I don't need her and I have money. nor do I want it from parents. But, it is SAD. very sad... I cannot believe the child psych is not seeing that her deep rooted fear in her is causing all this. I live thousands of miles away from them and this is a good thing! With all due respect you don't know what the child psych sees or says. Your mom sounds like the type to be a selective listener. In other words she hears what she wants to hear and runs with that. If the child psych said anything to her that would place some responsibility for this situation back onto your mother's shoulders your mother would tune that out and she certainly wouldn't tell you about that part of the conversation. She needs to twist everything around so that she is always right. I find it doubtful that the child psych is in any way to blame for your mother's thoughts and actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 My sister has to come because she flew here from Seattle and its part of her Midwest "tour." Forgiveness- she doesn't want to hear it. I know it's not the child psych's words, it's moms own. We'll see what happens. Tomorrow they arrive. My own grown kids will be here and I'm afraid mom will unleash on them when I'm not around. That's how bad it is Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Happy Birthday!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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