Single OW in recovery - does the guilt and hurt ever stop?

[RedOlive]

First time poster, and this is going to be a long one. I'll try my best to keep it to the point.

 

Like so many others I've been lurking on LS for a while and appreciated all the support and wisdom of people who come to post and respond. Also, like so many others I never though I'd find myself in such situation. Only a few months ago I had no idea what MM, OW, A, BS, NC or any of those other acronyms meant. One learns quickly. My story is very cliche in so many ways, in other ways it doesn't even come close to so many gut wrenching journeys of OW's I read about here.

 

Who am I? I'm single, successful and pretty by most people's definition, I have many interests I actively pursue, I am close with my family, I have good friends and i'm so lucky to be surrounded by love… and I am the OW. I never ever though I'd be capable of indulging my feelings for someone who was unavailable. I was cheated on when I was in my early 20's by a person I loved unconditionally and it took me years to get over it. So how in the world do I end up in this position?

 

I am not even entirely sure what happened. When I first met him, at a work function outside town, I didn't know he was married. No ring, no talk about 'us' or 'family or any references to the wife. It was love at first site for me, and I couldn't even explain why or what was so great about him. Later, i've learned many qualities I admired, and others I didn't like. Somehow all that only made me fall in love more. It was not at all rational. In nearly a year of knowing each other we only spent a total of 4 days together in person. The rest was long distance... emails, texts and video calls.

 

Most of that time trying so hard, at least on my end, to be only "friends". I asked and found out he was married about a month into this, and I should have just walked away immediately. Instead I was not honest with myself and decided we cold be friends.To those who may be at this point in their journey - you can not. Cut your loses and get out right this minute. Maybe if your feelings are not reciprocated it has a chance, but if both feel the same way, it's nearly impossible to keep the connection casual. I did try. Not hard enough, apparently. I guess what was going on for all those months was really an EA, but I fooled myself into thinking it’s just a really good friendship.

 

It did kind of work for a while. Though it was always a difficult experience for me, trying to squash all the feelings I had for him, watching myself carefully not to slip up and say or do something that would reveal me. He told me that he was attracted to me fairly early on, but I chose to treat it as a ‘normal’ condition of male/female interaction. I know, I know. Then he began to hint at his feelings for me more often. Now I understand it was probably because he was getting ready to travel for work, to come and see me in person again. Here is where I made another mistake - I confessed my own feelings. I thought maybe that would straighten things out, instead it intensified our connection. Again, to those in a similar situation I suggest you walk away right this moment. Do not for a second think this is a good idea, it’s not. This is where your A takes a real hold.

 

Then we spent a wonderful weekend together. Technically we never had sex, I couldn’t bring myself to cross that last line, even though I really wanted to. I was feeling too guilty. We did have plenty of physical contact that was very intimate. Teenage-like love you could say. When he was leaving I knew we can never undo this, I was so very much in love already, I had to cut it off completely. NC was the right thing to do. It didn’t exactly play out like that. He kept reaching out to me for this and that, mostly work related. The kind of things you don’t need to discuss, but could if you wanted to. Eventually we had that very last frank conversation, this time it ended with him cutting off our communication, the last goodbye.

 

It’s been a month of complete NC now, and I am still having such a hard time managing my emotions. Without a doubt this was a far more damaging experience then I could ever imagine. When they say A’s will destroy your self-esteem and eat at your soul, it is all true. I’m out there dating, meeting some wonderful people I don’t seem to be able to develop any attachment to, probably because my heart is still not available. I know that some will say the word ‘love’ is inappropriate to use towards my xMM, maybe ‘infatuation’. If you notice, I only speak for myself in this story. That’s all I can really know for certain, my own thoughts and feelings, and I am not even going to speculate as to his. This is my burden to carry, my guilt to absolve.

 

On the one hand I’m carrying this crashing gulf for my part in this, on the other I feel like I lost the love of my life. I’m so grateful to have friends I can actually confess to and talk about this with, but by now they are all sick and tired of hearing about my struggles. Hell, i’m sick of it. I’ve read everything there is to read, i’ve analyzed and considered the crap out of this situation. There is really nothing more for me to think, say or do. Why won’t all of it stop hurting?

Edited June 21, 2016 by RedOlive

[cobra148]

I feel for you. I too have been the OW and we split (only to be reunited) around 2 years ago and it too a long while...year plus to get over the fact that he no longer wanted me in his life. It was painful after all the days and nights we spent together. all the long talks and the time...the time... it took a lot of work on my behalf to get to a point where I accepted it for what it was. nothing! I was his toy and he found a new one. even though he insists that he doesn't have another one I do know that he doesn't have the time for me like he used to. It has been about 1 year since he has slowly been trying to get back into my life or maybe I am trying to get back into his. but I know I will be stronger and happier if I leave things where they were left. in the past. but It still hurts and I think of him daily. So yea I get it and yes it gets different and hurts a little more in the evenings or the weekend or those times when we would escape for holidays and such.... yes still care yes still like him no I cant do it without me getting twisted again and again.

[ladydesigner]

(((RedOlive))) I'm sorry you are in such pain. Yes A's are very damaging to all involved including the MM. They are much like an addiction even more so than love. In my case I am a fMOW and a BS when I finally went NC with xOM I missed how he made me feel, but not him per say. I'm not sure if it was the same with you but I mistook this feeling for love when in fact it was an addiction for me.

 

Hang in there! You will see brighter days ahead I promise!

[HeCantBreakMe]

First time poster, and this is going to be a long one. I'll try my best to keep it to the point.

 

Like so many others I've been lurking on LS for a while and appreciated all the support and wisdom of people who come to post and respond. Also, like so many others I never though I'd find myself in such situation. Only a few months ago I had no idea what MM, OW, A, BS, NC or any of those other acronyms meant. One learns quickly. My story is very cliche in so many ways, in other ways it doesn't even come close to so many gut wrenching journeys of OW's I read about here.

 

Who am I? I'm single, successful and pretty by most people's definition, I have many interests I actively pursue, I am close with my family, I have good friends and i'm so lucky to be surrounded by love… and I am the OW. I never ever though I'd be capable of indulging my feelings for someone who was unavailable. I was cheated on when I was in my early 20's by a person I loved unconditionally and it took me years to get over it. So how in the world do I end up in this position?

 

I am not even entirely sure what happened. When I first met him, at a work function outside town, I didn't know he was married. No ring, no talk about 'us' or 'family or any references to the wife. It was love at first site for me, and I couldn't even explain why or what was so great about him. Later, i've learned many qualities I admired, and others I didn't like. Somehow all that only made me fall in love more. It was not at all rational. In nearly a year of knowing each other we only spent a total of 4 days together in person. The rest was long distance... emails, texts and video calls.

 

Most of that time trying so hard, at least on my end, to be only "friends". I asked and found out he was married about a month into this, and I should have just walked away immediately. Instead I was not honest with myself and decided we cold be friends.To those who may be at this point in their journey - you can not. Cut your loses and get out right this minute. Maybe if your feelings are not reciprocated it has a chance, but if both feel the same way, it's nearly impossible to keep the connection casual. I did try. Not hard enough, apparently. I guess what was going on for all those months was really an EA, but I fooled myself into thinking it’s just a really good friendship.

 

It did kind of work for a while. Though it was always a difficult experience for me, trying to squash all the feelings I had for him, watching myself carefully not to slip up and say or do something that would reveal me. He told me that he was attracted to me fairly early on, but I chose to treat it as a ‘normal’ condition of male/female interaction. I know, I know. Then he began to hint at his feelings for me more often. Now I understand it was probably because he was getting ready to travel for work, to come and see me in person again. Here is where I made another mistake - I confessed my own feelings. I thought maybe that would straighten things out, instead it intensified our connection. Again, to those in a similar situation I suggest you walk away right this moment. Do not for a second think this is a good idea, it’s not. This is where your A takes a real hold.

 

Then we spent a wonderful weekend together. Technically we never had sex, I couldn’t bring myself to cross that last line, even though I really wanted to. I was feeling too guilty. We did have plenty of physical contact that was very intimate. Teenage-like love you could say. When he was leaving I knew we can never undo this, I was so very much in love already, I had to cut it off completely. NC was the right thing to do. It didn’t exactly play out like that. He kept reaching out to me for this and that, mostly work related. The kind of things you don’t need to discuss, but could if you wanted to. Eventually we had that very last frank conversation, this time it ended with him cutting off our communication, the last goodbye.

 

It’s been a month of complete NC now, and I am still having such a hard time managing my emotions. Without a doubt this was a far more damaging experience then I could ever imagine. When they say A’s will destroy your self-esteem and eat at your soul, it is all true. I’m out there dating, meeting some wonderful people I don’t seem to be able to develop any attachment to, probably because my heart is still not available. I know that some will say the word ‘love’ is inappropriate to use towards my xMM, maybe ‘infatuation’. If you notice, I only speak for myself in this story. That’s all I can really know for certain, my own thoughts and feelings, and I am not even going to speculate as to his. This is my burden to carry, my guilt to absolve.

 

On the one hand I’m carrying this crashing gulf for my part in this, on the other I feel like I lost the love of my life. I’m so grateful to have friends I can actually confess to and talk about this with, but by now they are all sick and tired of hearing about my struggles. Hell, i’m sick of it. I’ve read everything there is to read, i’ve analyzed and considered the crap out of this situation. There is really nothing more for me to think, say or do. Why won’t all of it stop hurting?

 

I would say yes the hurt stops eventually, if you allow it to. I am sure you have noticed you have good days and you have bad days and it is a roller-coaster. I am just learning to ride it out. I am a MOW and my affair lasted 10 months- lots of future faking and talk of love EA/PA and it was hard to walk away from. I think eventually you realize it isn't healthy and it isn't real. If the man wanted to be with you he would. I know it doesn't seem like it should be that simple, there are families and kids involved, finances, etc but in reality only a coward chooses to stay and hurt those he loves while seeking something elsewhere (love, emotional jargon, ego kibble, whatever you choose). Eventually a decision has to be made on his part, stay or go- he will make that decision whether you choose to remain his ego kibble or walk away. If you walk away and he doesn't come find you then it wasn't meant to be, but at least you have grabbed what is left of your heart and shattered self-worth and you are making a choice (something your MM couldn't do).

 

Keep walking, if he finds you and he is single then great. If not then allow yourself to let go and find someone amazing and available! I would come to guess that once you finally let go if he ever should find you then you wouldn't want his lying coward butt anyways!

[pooldog]

(((RedOlive))) I'm sorry you are in such pain. Yes A's are very damaging to all involved including the MM. They are much like an addiction even more so than love. In my case I am a fMOW and a BS when I finally went NC with xOM I missed how he made me feel, but not him per say. I'm not sure if it was the same with you but I mistook this feeling for love when in fact it was an addiction for me.

 

Hang in there! You will see brighter days ahead I promise!

 

 

This is an excellent definition for what we went through!!!

[pooldog]

For OP

 

[cobra148]

Yesterday he contacted me again. I told him that I am not his go to girl anymore and that he wasn't using me so he lost me. And...of course now he is being nice. but I didn't respond. I cant respond and feel ok about it. I will try to not reach out today and not respond. It IS hard but I have to for my sanity. but the promise of being like it was is killing me. I don't want it like it was. I want a new. I need a new. I deserve a new.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Yesterday he contacted me again. I told him that I am not his go to girl anymore and that he wasn't using me so he lost me. And...of course now he is being nice. but I didn't respond. I cant respond and feel ok about it. I will try to not reach out today and not respond. It IS hard but I have to for my sanity. but the promise of being like it was is killing me. I don't want it like it was. I want a new. I need a new. I deserve a new.

 

Why don't you block him? It hurts to be contacted. Even if you think you are strong enough to allow it - you probably aren't and it gives him more space in your head.

 

When I had a lot of desire to reach out to my exMM I would type up the email (or text) I wanted to send- sit on it for awhile and then go back and read it and usually it just felt good to get it off my chest before deleting it and not sending it.

[Jersey born raised]

You start by owning it and reshaping it as a standard of this "I will not be".

When you feel the temptation to reach out remenber the pain hold onto it and say "this is not who I will be for anyone". I will not be the cause of the pain I feel to anyone.

[Poppy47]

You start by owning it and reshaping it as a standard of this "I will not be".

When you feel the temptation to reach out remenber the pain hold onto it and say "this is not who I will be for anyone". I will not be the cause of the pain I feel to anyone.

 

I say to myself,

I will not be kept waiting to talk to you , I will not be kept waiting to see you, I will not be kept waiting for anybody, ever again.

Poppy.

[RedOlive]

Thank you all for the words of support and hugs. I need those very much.

 

HeCantBreakMe, you are right, there are some good and bad days. Today is especially bad for some reason and I am starting to get very discouraged. Instead of bad days becoming less frequent as time passes, they just seem to be piling up more and more. I actually keep a little log of good/bad ones just to see what is actually happening as I'm aware it's sometimes hard to be objective in the midst of it all. The log isn't showing a pretty picture right now.

 

After reading up so much on the subject I understood that the end of this grieving was far, but I didn't expect it to start moving away from me at the exponential speed. The random crying spells seem to come more frequently and linger longer.

 

I know it's an unavoidable part of this aftermath and it's very individual, but did anyone else experience this "it gets worse before it gets any better" effect? And if so, what was your timeline?

[RedOlive]

Today it looks like i'm going through a serious wave of a bargaining stage. I realize how stupid this idea is, but I'm feeling a strong desire to reach out and claim that i'm ready to be just friends. Pat of me is actually trying to convince myself it's genuine and will work out fine. Obviously a horrible plan, but at this moment seems soooo compelling.

 

Someone please talk some sense into me!

Edited June 27, 2016 by RedOlive

[ladydesigner]

Today it looks like i'm going through a serious wave of a bargaining stage. I realize how stupid this idea is, but I'm feeling a strong desire to reach out and claim that i'm ready to be just friends. Pat of me is actually trying to convince myself it's genuine and will work out fine. Obviously a horrible plan, but at this moment seems soooo compelling.

 

Someone please talk some sense into me!

 

RedOlive the only way to get over these A's is cold turkey. I tried the friend thing with my xOM, it just prolongs the pain because you want something different than a friendship I am sure. Staying friends also makes it easier to start up the A again. Don't do it!

[RedOlive]

RedOlive the only way to get over these A's is cold turkey. I tried the friend thing with my xOM, it just prolongs the pain because you want something different than a friendship I am sure. Staying friends also makes it easier to start up the A again. Don't do it!

 

Thank you so much ladydesigner, it does help to hear. Trying to keep my hands busy and my head occupied by work stuff.

[Lobe]

Today it looks like i'm going through a serious wave of a bargaining stage. I realize how stupid this idea is, but I'm feeling a strong desire to reach out and claim that i'm ready to be just friends. Pat of me is actually trying to convince myself it's genuine and will work out fine. Obviously a horrible plan, but at this moment seems soooo compelling.

 

Someone please talk some sense into me!

 

Don't do it.

 

Make yourself busy writing a letter of advice to your best friend, your sister, or your daughter if she was in the exact position you are. Write it with the same amount of compassion and tough love you would for her. Give her all the reasons it's a bad idea, and offer step-by-step instructions on how you would handle it. Write down why affairs hurt everyone, and that statistically they are the worst possible starting point for a relationship.

 

Then, go get the book "not just friends" and read it. Put yourself in the BS's shoes for a few minutes and remember that for pretty much every lie he told you, there was an equal and opposite lie to his wife. Is this a man worth pining over?

 

Stay strong, RedOlive. You've got this.

[MissCongeniality]

I use to feel guilt and shame especially after how young I was when it happened. Over time I began to accept I was everything people ever said and life became easier. One thing I've learned is guilt is like the bad taste of alcohol. After a few more drinks you get use to it. Guilt is a completely useless emotion and it serves only to tear you down. It took me a while to realize that and while that weakness sometimes creeps back in I know how snuff it out.

[Bufo]

Here's something you can do to occupy yourself and get a better grip on what is happening.

 

Read about 20 or so threads here chosen at random. Keep score. How many women in your situation ended up happy they kept the A going even if just EA?

 

How many women in your situation ended up happy they ended he A soonermrather than later?

 

If you can do simple scorekeeping you'll figure out the best path for you to follow.

 

Now,,I know some,affairs,turn out well. But they are the exception rather than the rule.

 

Best of luck to you in your quest.

[RedOlive]

Thank you for your support!

I thought I'd write an update hoping it may be helpful to those at a similar point. It's been well over a month of NC for me, and even though many of you describe this stage of a healing process as having "good and bad days", mine were mostly bad. Really bad.

 

Every day I woke up to the gut twisting pain, longing and confusion and every night those kept me up into the daybreak. Talking to friends no longer seemed to help, and posting here brought almost no relief. I didn't want to make an effort to be social and live life to the possible fullest like I did in the beginning. I was starting to seriously wonder if that was going to be my life from now on. In the last month or so I found myself spiraling and out of control.

 

Last week I've hit an emotional rock bottom so deep, it seemed that miles and miles of excruciating sadness and anguish threatened to crush the very essence of who I was as a person. I'm going to skip the details of all the self-destructing behavior during that very dark time, but I will say I never broke NC.

 

Then the other day last week it felt like a fever has broken. You know the feeling. Like you are still very weak, the illness is not completely behind you, but you somehow have made it to the other side of the crisis. Suddenly, I saw this ordeal as a part of my past and not my present. After that the week have been relatively good. I'm feeling a void where all those turmoiled emotions used to live, but I'm starting to genuinely enjoy parts of my days, and there are mornings and hours where I don't think about xMM at all.

 

I will probably still have some difficult moments down the road, it would be silly to think otherwise. I'm still very much in love with xMM and indifference seems far away. I am yet to figure out how to keep myself away from the obvious "triggers"... Still, it took less then two month to see an improvement I have not thought was possible.

 

I'm hopeful and wish that everyone gets to this place, even if for a little while. Hugs.

[13Hearts]

I am so glad you are starting to feel better. I have been in a similar situation and felt myself also spiraling, and kept grasping for something to prevent it. What has really helped me is I am practicing not living in some dream world where I still see him as this loving, caring, honest man. He's not. The lies he told, I believed, to my own detriment. I keep asking myself how I could be so stupid. But beating my SELF up is not the answer. Acceptance is.

 

Accept that your xMM is not who you thought he was. He is a lying, cheating, deceptive snake in the grass and you were his baby duckling prey. You feel like $hit because he used you for his own selfish, sick purposes. When you allow your eyes to open and start accepting the truth, you will be exponentially stronger.

 

I hope you keep coming here and posting because it's helping me.

[Poppy47]

Redolive,

 

I am 11 NC now.

 

At times I could reach out because xMM was a part of my life for many years and there is definitely an empty space there now. He was the person I was closest to. Sad isn't it because he was never in my "real" life.

 

I keep plodding along, although I feel I am experiencing a little low grade depression right now. At the moment, I am filling time with many social activities and work, gym and whatever I can. Time goes more quickly and my mind does not constantly go back to him. Keep busy.

 

Thinking of you,

Poppy

[RedOlive]

13Hearts, you area absolutely right. I am definitely having difficulties in seeing xMM's part in this. It's great to hear that your fog has lifted! For me, I think it's not only about the fog. See, I grew up with a mother who saw herself as a perpetual victim of her circumstances and others around. She never really took responsibility for any hardships in her life.

 

As a result, I am forever overcompensating, and tend to accept full accountability for any faults. I can't even begin to think that xMM is to blame. I have empathy for him, a flawed person who was weak and made some wrong choices. Inner voice keeps nagging at me that it was my duty to act smarter, stronger, better... Silly, I know. My rational brain just can't talk my emotional one into seeing the truth. How did you get yours to cooperate?

 

Poppy, i'm so sorry you are not feeling well right now. Maybe it's a fallout following your parting with keepsakes? Remember, you are doing great with NC! It's an inspiration, and am amazed at your strength. Sounds like you are keeping busy and healthy, and I am going to try and follow your lead. Hugs!

Edited July 9, 2016 by RedOlive

[13Hearts]

13Hearts, you area absolutely right. I am definitely having difficulties in seeing xMM's part in this. It's great to hear that your fog has lifted! For me, I think it's not only about the fog. See, I grew up with a mother who saw herself as a perpetual victim of her circumstances and others around. She never really took responsibility for any hardships in her life.

 

As a result, I am forever overcompensating, and tend to accept full accountability for any faults. I can't even begin to think that xMM is to blame. I have empathy for him, a flawed person who was weak and made some wrong choices. Inner voice keeps nagging at me that it was my duty to act smarter, stronger, better... Silly, I know. My rational brain just can't talk my emotional one into seeing the truth. How did you get yours to cooperate?

By acquiring the knowledge I needed in order to see the truth about some other people, who do not think or act the way I do. Read this book: In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon. It will help you understand what has happened, which will make you feel a lot better. Google George Simon. You can get the book pretty cheaply on Amazon.

 

By the way, I am the same as you; always blaming myself whenever things go wrong. But I have learned how and why I should not, and can NO LONGER, do that to myself. It was a very difficult lesson to learn. Long story short, several years ago I had gotten a new boss. And things went very south between us very quickly. But being the way I was, I kept trying to make things work. I kept trying to communicate with the boss, ask questions, seek the boss's feedback, all the stuff they teach you to do to better your relationship with your boss. But it didn't work, it only got worse. Whatever I told her, she exploited. Or would yell at me. Whenever I would ask her questions, she would use it as an opportunity to point the finger at me, as if asking questions indicated I was somehow deficient. Still thinking the problem was ME, I started asking others, who didn't seem to have the same problem with her and no one had any feedback about it, which just strengthened the argument in my mind that I was the problem! I was losing sleep, waking up in the middle of the night, stressed out all day, every day at work, coming home stressed out. And then...my hair started fallin out of my head. After a year and a half of blaming myself and trying to adjust everything I could about me and the way I worked, I finally realized I could take it no longer. And I started to accept that there may not be something wrong with HER, other people may not be negatively affected by her, other people may get along with her, but to ME, she was TOXIC.

 

And I happened upon a web article that listed what bullies do. And my eyes opened up. I realized I was being bullied by my boss! And that's when I ran! I got out of that situation as quickly as I could and I have never looked back. And yes, everything went back to normal for me after that, my life was peaceful again, and I was happy. And my hair grew back!

 

Stop blaming yourself. Stop trying to figure out what you could have or should have done differently. Stop trying to determine what xMM's major malfunction is. Stop believing there is something wron with him. Stop trying to figure out what is wrong with him, what is wrong with you, and why you did what you did. KNOW THIS: That guy has a character disorder. If a person is married and unhappy, they have remedies available to them to become happy again, and to become happily married. When you hear a man telling you how he justifies an affair, and takes no action to correct what he says is bothering him, you can know immediately that he has some kind of character disorder. They are all just excuses for why he is a married man cheating on his wife. Men who do not want to be married LEAVE and start anew, whether single and living alone or moving in with a new woman. Those guys may be "wrong" for leaving but at least they act in accordance with what they say. MM who cheat are just men who lie, betray, and deceive the person they are meant to love, cherish, and protect! They are SCREW-UPs! Forget everything he ever said to you, because they were lies, made up stories to hide the truth, a persona he gives off so that people do not know who he really is.

 

Get the book and read it, and let your eyes open up.

 

I hope you keep posting. I really needed to think about everything I just typed to you.

[RedOlive]

True to expectations, I'm hitting a patch of really rough days. I'm loosing clarity again and just hurt all over every minute of the day. It's hard to get things done and maintain a normal daily life. xMM kept a blog that I never was able to leave alone and kept checking in for updates. I guess my NC was not kept as it should have then?

 

He left plenty of 'smoke signals' that were both upsetting and comforting at the same time, I'm sure you know the feeling. It was addictive to confirm time and time over that he, too, cares and is struggling. I should have known better than to expose myself to such torture, but like a lab rat kept coming back for more. The other day he took the blog down completely, just like that, but not before writing about how much he was hurting.

 

I should be happy my potential trigger is gone, but it just pushed me into another downward spiral. My first instinct was to reach out, to offer comfort. Then I realized that it's not so much about comforting him as it is about fantasizing of still being connected and important. "Look! I'm helping!" sort of thing. Not to mention it is not my place to offer any support, he has family for that. This blog was the last of it, and i'm clearly having difficulty letting go of that last trace.

 

Of course, I will maintain NC, but my emotional health is taking another beating. I have never experienced such damaging break up before, it's hard to believe how much toll this has taken. I have a vacation coming up - even if i wasn't able to focus on it or plan much for it - and can only hope that a change in scenery will provide some relief, if only temporary.

 

P.S. I did read "In sheep's clothing", it's a great book. Still having difficulties recognizing xMM as a manipulator in one of these categories. Is it my failure to see, or is it possible he just was not? Maybe the whole situation is simply messed up because crap happens?

Edited July 19, 2016 by RedOlive

[Lobe]

Is it my failure to see, or is it possible he just was not? Maybe the whole situation is simply messed up because crap happens?

 

I vote crap happens.

 

For the purpose of this conversation, I'm not including the true narcissists and serial cheaters because they fall under a completely different category of asshat, nor am I talking about revenge affairs which are also in their own category called "LOOKING" for an affair. I'm talking about your average boring run of the mill married person who gets caught up in the perfect storm and an affair develops because of incredibly stupid, selfish decisions made during a completely avoidable situation.

 

I may get slaughtered for this opinion but I think that my WH was absolutely the worst kind of manipulator, not because he was a narcissist per se but because once the affair got rolling he was completely unable to stop himself, like a heroin addict manipulates family and friends and cannot feel remorse or shame for their actions so long as they are buried in the addiction.

 

While it is tempting to rap your knuckles for breaking NC by looking at his blog, the fact your xMM was sending smoke signals is proof that yes, he was trying to manipulate you, hoping to reel you back in, just for a little nibble, and it's more important to acknowledge the fact you did not take the bait than the fact you went swimming in murky waters.

 

Again, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I believe that the vast majority of WSs are not inherently evil people (ditto for APs) and that in the "fog" will do all kinds of completely ignorant, insensitive things ranging from lies through omission to outright fabrication to keep their two lives separate but intact. While gaslighting the BS and dangling a carrot in front of the AP, they have no choice but to become a despicable human being. Excluding those who go out on conquests and are genuinely sociopaths, I think most APs have to make a very concerted effort to shush the voice telling them it's all a bad idea (cognitive dissonance) and in effect turn into the worst possible versions of themselves. The lies he told his xOW about me, about our marriage, about our family, about their future together; the lies he told me, the money he took from our family, the months of unexplained cruelty I suffered. All so he could pretend like he could have it all. No one could believe he would do such a thing. "He's such a nice guy, he's such a good dad... it doesn't make sense..."

 

So was your xMM a master manipulator? Yes. Absolutely. Does it mean he's an evil monster? No - it's possible he's just a guy who made some really selfish decisions that hurt you, his wife, his family, and apparently himself. Hopefully he is redirecting that energy into healing himself and his marriage now and will honour your desire to go NC and stop stringing you along. You deserve to be someone's first choice, not an option. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

On a side note, I wish my husband's xOW would take her @%#^@%$# blog down - while she hasn't sent any of her "antiversary" notices this year, every now and again when I feel like pain shopping I'll circumnavigate my self-imposed internet restrictions and go look and yup, she still pines for him. Part of my wants to slap her, the other part wants to hug her and tell her it's OK to move on. Affairs are just so sloppy. Nobody wins.

[RedOlive]

I don't have anything special to report today, only feeling super crappy.

Could use some words of encouragement.