Single OW in recovery - does the guilt and hurt ever stop?

[What_Did_I_Do]

Olive, big hugs to ((you)). Keep on moving forward as it will get better.

 

I can't give you a glimpse from the other side but can certainly remind you of what you are missing from the A:

 

1) gut wrenching uncertainty

2) the lies...oh so many lies

3) countless tears

4) irreparable damage to your self esteem

5) lost hope for the future

6) envy and jealousy over his W/M/family

7) motivation for even the simplest tasks - gone

8) seclusion from friends and family

 

Yep, that pretty much sums it up but feel free to add more.

 

You are on the right path Olive. Be strong. You've got this!

[OneMoreBW]

Go for a run

Watch a funny movie.

Listen to happy music and dance by your self. Sing all alone!

Invite a good neighbor or a friend and prepare a simple food for her.

Go to sleep early and let tomorrow arrives fast.

Tomorrow will be easier than today.

 

Don't let crappy thoughts put you back in this nasty path.

You are way better without these.

Don't allow anybody make you less than you are.

None deserves our happiness. You deserve to be happy and our happiness depends only on us. Nobody makes us happy. Only yourself can make you happy.

 

Avoid anything that can make you think about old times. Put all these behind you and let your future shine. It all depends on you and only you.

[RedOlive]

What_Did_I_Do, thank you I really did need those hugs. That's one comprehensive list! I could probably add about 10 more points. I feel like i'm still going through all those even now after A is over. Stuck on one of the grieving stages, maybe? I guess healing takes time and the 'end' of things can't feel as immediate as one would like. Still 'the list' is so helpful with reality checks.

 

OneMoreBW, such great advise, thank you. It's easy to slip into depressive moods and just feel like giving up on your own everyday life at times. Then I read your comment and think about how awful it is to waste one's precious limited time on this earth to mope over such nonsense. I wish I could say it immediately takes the pain away, but at least this reminder jolts some much needed perspective.

[OneMoreBW]

RedOlive, I tell you such a things because I see my husband here with me and our family, knowing that he left his OW all alone with a newborn. I have a lot of mix feelings about this whole mess. I truly don't know all the fake future he told her, I don't know what kind of bs he promised her. What I know is that she wanted to have a kid with a married guy and at the end he had no courage to left his official life behind and followed a dream life with her. I truly feel sorry for her because she invested her young years in a guy who doesn't worth it, she believed a guy who was a liar in the first beginning (she knew he was married). I just follow your posts and reading all the other OW's stories there's just one big conclusion I take from them all. NO MM deserves all the sacrifices, tears, sorrows that OW and BW have for them. If they were anybody close to worth them, they were not betraying their spouses nor pretending to be someone else with AP. I truly believe they just tell us whatever we need to listen in order to keep up with their double life. Would he prefer to have two women loving him? I bet yes. It's all about his happiness, no matter who is being hurt all along.

 

That's why I tell you: Let it go. Grieve whatever you feel about him, but let it go. Time really flies and when you realize, you lost 1, 2, 5, 10 years of your life, and this MM is just living his life just as he wants.

 

In my case the OW had a 8 years A with my husband at work, decided to get pregnant (she wrote me saying how sorry she was), he told me but decided to stay. 2 years has passed since Dday, the kid has 2 yo and he barely see her, just pay child support and hide the kid from everyone. The OW spent her's 30 years on him and now she's 40something, alone with a kid, and turn to be a sour person (as so people from work told me). She left the company as it was unbearable for her to keep working on the same place where everybody knew the story. It's a sad, sad story. Does it worth?

[13Hearts]

RedOlive, How are you feeling today, any better?

 

Can I ask you some questions? I'm curious to know what hurts. Is it that you miss talking to him? Is it that you believed all the romantic stuff and how much he loved you? Is it you miss having hope for a future with him? Is it that you still think about doing all those things together you talked about? Is it that you thought he was going to take care of you?

 

I agree with you and Lobe. I tried to make xMM out to be a good for nothing, a snake, a demon, or whatever. But it didn't work and it actually HURT ME to think that way. It made me miserable. After reading Sheep's Clothing (admittedly haven't gotten very far), I started to become more rational about it all, which hurts a lot less than being angry.

[OneMoreBW]

13Hearts, I believe you don't need to make you xMM looks like a demon, snake, whatever. I believe you can try to see him as a love story that didn't have a happy end. You two had a great time together, you two had a kind of a history together that can not be erased from your lives. You just don't need to be hold in the past. It was a beautiful story but it came to an end. It was not the end you wished for but is an end. Good things never last forever. Keep this time as a good part of your life that came to an end. Move one and really try hard to write another beautiful story with the lessons you learnt from this one.

My story with my H began very beautiful as well. However he made awful things to me while in the A, but he chose to stay, I chose to forgive him, put all these in the past and try to move one as well. We don't know how it'll will end up. We all need to believe that at the end everything will work fine. While during the A period the OW had many wonderful memories and moment with MM, at the same time I had a terrible time in my life. Now things are reversing. This is life. We all need to move one, forgive, learn, live, love with whatever we have to handle with.

[13Hearts]

13Hearts, I believe you don't need to make you xMM looks like a demon, snake, whatever. I believe you can try to see him as a love story that didn't have a happy end. You two had a great time together, you two had a kind of a history together that can not be erased from your lives. You just don't need to be hold in the past. It was a beautiful story but it came to an end. It was not the end you wished for but is an end. Good things never last forever. Keep this time as a good part of your life that came to an end. Move one and really try hard to write another beautiful story with the lessons you learnt from this one.

My story with my H began very beautiful as well. However he made awful things to me while in the A, but he chose to stay, I chose to forgive him, put all these in the past and try to move one as well. We don't know how it'll will end up. We all need to believe that at the end everything will work fine. While during the A period the OW had many wonderful memories and moment with MM, at the same time I had a terrible time in my life. Now things are reversing. This is life. We all need to move one, forgive, learn, live, love with whatever we have to handle with.

 

You are so very wise, OneMoreBW. Thank you. You are right. It is much better to focus on the good and move forward in life. I am learning to accept that people are only human, we all make mistakes, some worse mistakes than others. ❤❤❤

[RedOlive]

Can I ask you some questions? I'm curious to know what hurts. Is it that you miss talking to him? Is it that you believed all the romantic stuff and how much he loved you? Is it you miss having hope for a future with him? Is it that you still think about doing all those things together you talked about? Is it that you thought he was going to take care of you?

 

 

13Hearts, those are excellent questions. I started responding yesterday but quickly became overwhelmed. Turns out it's much harder to articulate than I thought. Eye opening, actually. So what does hurt, indeed? I'd say in the first weeks of NC pain was easier to define. It went something like this:

 

~ I was hurt that I became a cheater, or at least cheater-enabler. Somehow without my noticing I transformed into a shell of my former self ;

 

~ That I was making horrible decisions at every turn, it seems, that only pulled me further into the A;

 

~ Being lied to by omission;

 

~ We are both in the same field and had a rich professional relationship, so I was very sad to see that vanish;

 

~ That I gave much more then I received in almost every aspect of this A. Not that I was keeping score, it's not about that. I simply can not deny the disparity in investment and it's pathetic;

 

~ It was painful to initiate the breakup and forcefully push away someone I thought I was passionately in love with, someone who didn't want it to end;

 

~ Of course, I was also heartbroken over having to give up such an intense connection that is very rare for me to develop (though when it does develop it always seems to be for the 'wrong' person, even if this was my first MM. There is that to work out, maybe in IC);

 

Did he take care of me in any way whatsoever? No.

If anything, he did the opposite by constantly putting me in situations that presented opportunities for further heartbreak. I'm not saying it was done intentionally, but there it was. Reflecting back on it, there were very few real actions on xMM's part altogether, only words. And not any promises at that. Ours was a long distance A, and I suppose it was easy to dispense as little effort as possible on his side. At the time it didn't bother me because I could only be responsible and account for my own feelings and choices, and I was 'head over heels' to the point where I gave away and compromised a lot of myself.

 

I am starting to have rare days, or at least afternoons, where I look over our old correspondence or think about everything that transpired for the 1000th time and silently scream to myself "What was I thinking!!! What did I see in him?? How was this worth it? " At such precious moments it feels like most of the time I am walking around under a spell, and only manage to escape it for a second. I guess it's where the 'fog' is suddenly lifting?

 

Other days are just sad, but no longer filled with hurt in the way that I described above. It just feels like a black hole with no particular sentiment attached. This is where the xMM is again starting to look like that person I first met and fell in love with. Then I'm filled with bargaining thoughts of "If only I said, did, didn't do... then..." Sigh... Right now it feels like I accommodate two opposite personalities, and this roller-coaster of an internal conflict is driving me crazy.

 

Thank you for asking the question, 13Hearts, and thanks for listening. I know it ended up being long-winded, I guess I had to vent.

Edited July 27, 2016 by RedOlive