Husband Not Wanting Stepdad Role Anymore

[optomistic_nonsense]

Hi all. First and foremost, thank you to each and every one of you taking time to read this.

I find myself in the middle of quite the marital battle. Front lines. Guns blazing and all.

 

My husband and I have been together for nearly 5 years now, married for 2 (today is coincidentally our 2nd year marriage anniversary). I was married, briefly, about 7+ yrs ago, found myself in an abusive relationship, and left. The thing here however is that I was pregnant. I had my baby boy, and began a new life for myself and him. It was a great, fresh start. I was finally happy being alone. Although I had a custody agreement with my ex husband, there was no drama, no alimony involved, no courts, no NOTHIN'. As bad as the situation was, it was nothing but calm waters.

 

After some time, I met my now husband. I never introduced my son (who was hardly a year old) to anyone I dated, except for my now husband. I knew he was going to be "the one". After my 2nd date with him, I laid my life out on the table for him. I explained in great detail that I was divorced and had a child. I made it clear I did not want to be stereotyped or disrespected for my past, and that if he wanted to be involved with me - this is what would be part of the package. Although a bit put off, a week of thinking and conversing with his father about all of this (what I just wrote about his father is a crucial point of this post), he was ready. He wanted to pursue a relationship with me and had a very positive outlook on us.

 

So here we are, 5+ years later. We dated for a couple yrs, got engaged, got married. The biggest and most painful thing to ever hit our family was the death of my father in law 1 1/2 yrs ago. He died suddenly of a heart attack + stroke. Nobody had any time to have any sort of emotional preparation for it all. Immediately after my FIL's death, we discovered that he had been having an affair for years. My mother in law, husband and brother in law were more devastated than anyone would think possible. I cannot even begin to touch on the emotional damage it caused everyone.

 

A few months went by, and although still very difficult, my husband was beginning to come out of the grieving process and begin to put one foot infront of the other again. During this time, a co-worker of mine, we'll call him Jay, whom I worked with closely due to the nature of our work, introduced me to his wife, and in turn Jay and his wife began to hang out with me and my husband. We went on a couple double dates, the husbands would text/email each other about similar interests, etc. One day, I came home from work and casually threw out the term "work hubby" when referencing Jay. It was as though I let a demon out of a cage. My husband blew up, accused me of having an emotional affair, slammed me with the silent treatment and even brought up divorce. He also pulled up our cell phone log and looked at how many texts there were between me and Jay. After the shock wore off, I approached him and profusely apologized....truly, genuinely apologized. I never ever intended for such a reaction or interpretation of what happened. Days went by and nothing but silence. I ended up speaking with Jay's wife letting her know what happened. Jay's wife felt awful and ended up calling my husband and assuring her nothing was going on. She said she pulled up every one of the texts between me and Jay, some even involving her, and said they were either work related, or had something to do with the 4 of us hanging out or they were texts inquiring about how the family was holding up. She promised him there was nothing strange going on. My husband's response to this was that "Jay's wife is blind and naïve".

 

It took months to get past this. But we did, thank God.

Before we got engaged, my husband made it clear that if there was drama or any sort of issues going on between me and my ex husband, he would rather not be involved. So, a few months after the work hubby incident, there was a slight issue with our custody agreement between me and my ex husband. It wasn't anything earth shattering, but something that called for my attention. So I picked up the phone one morning, walked downstairs so as not to bother my husband, called my ex and quickly remediated the issue. I also spoke with my mother on the phone while I was down there. As I come upstairs, my husband asked me who I spoke with on the phone and I told him my mother..... and then I lied. I blatantly lied as I was caught off guard and didn't tell him I called my ex. He was toying with my phone later and saw I called my ex, and when he saw that and figured out I lied - bam. Here we go again. I told him I lied and I didn't even know why. There was no need to do it, but that I was subconsciously nervous during the time about an argument arising over me speaking with my ex so I decided not to tell him at all. Dumb move, and I admitted so.... but that wasn't going to cut it.

 

So now I am not only a cheater, but a liar. Two things my husband refuses to deal with. So there went his trust in me. Gone. I worked my butt off to get it back, and here and there in his mind I would slip up.... but we worked it out. So today - we are faced with the biggest hurdle so far in our marriage. My husband and I have an 8 month old baby together. This past Father's day, it was already in the schedule that my older son would return to his bio dad's house that morning, early, and later in the day my parents would come over for dinner. When he found out that the older son was leaving early and spending no time with us - he asked me to throw the Father's day gift away (which he still has not opened), he threatened me with divorce, and we've been about 48 hers now with no communication.

I have to say - it was thoughtless of me to not think of him more in keeping my older son with us for the first half of the day. I messed up.... again. I know this. I felt like a complete @ss and I knew a simple apology wouldn't be enough, and it wasn't. He has told me over the past 2 days that I am selfish, he has no control or say in anything, and that he doesn't feel like a stepdad but rather a babysitter.

:eek::eek:

I was completely crushed. He asked me not to be around him when he gets home from work, to leave him alone, to not talk to him. He's thinking of leaving, etc. Tells me my baggage is just all over the place. I need to work on myself. I have no common sense. My past is a mess, etc. I told him I would go stay with my parents for a while and he said he didn't want them involved.......:confused:

 

Sweet Jesus help me.... seriously. I am so confused. I am a flawed human being and will be the first to admit.... but what about our baby? He has another son too. He's telling me he doesn't feel like a stepdad. He feels like he gets no gratitude for anything he does and feels totally unappreciated.

 

I am determined to save this marriage. He refuses to see a therapist (he thinks they're a joke), although I myself feel the need for one at this point.

I am not making this about me whatsoever.... but my husband's outbursts are beginning to scare me. His communication skills do not exist. If I begin telling him MY thoughts and he doesn't like it....he walks away!

 

Am I in the Twilight Zone here?

[Mr. Lucky]

He refuses to see a therapist (he thinks they're a joke), although I myself feel the need for one at this point.

 

Might be the understatement of the year.

 

i understand it's your post but I can't help but feel your telling of events maximizes your H's reaction and minimizes your culpability. From the "work husband" (disrespectful!) to the deception over the talk with your ex, some partners might question your boundaries and motives. Kind of a "if there's smoke" situation.

 

Two other comments -

 

1). Fewer more thankless jobs than step-parent. If it's not issues with the child, the step-parent is often on the receiving end of unwarranted hostility and judgement from the ex-spouse.

 

2). Your H seems awfully willing to drop the divorce bomb. Are there other issues contributing to this? Sexual, financial, etc.?

 

MC is obviously needed and ASAP. I'd keep pushing, sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[optomistic_nonsense]

Thank you for your response. I do feel like I would benefit from a therapist. I am apparently missing some sort of basic relationship skills if I am causing these outbursts again and again, however I will say - we never, ever ever had issues until his father's passing and we all found out about the affair. I feel that his father's affair created more tension in my husband and has caused him to be more of a verbal bully than he ever had been.

My husband has done almost a complete 180. We never had any issues in the sex and/or financial department. We've had a very strong marriage and relationship prior to this past year, hence the reason for my sudden surprise at how he has been reacting to things lately. I am not "oh poor me"-ing over here, not at all, I am just trying to figure out how I can appropriately remediate this issue with the lack of communication on his end, and trying to figure out a way to be more sensitive to his emotional needs, which again, have just surfaced over the past year or so.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do feel like I would benefit from a therapist. I am apparently missing some sort of basic relationship skills if I am causing these outbursts again and again,

 

I don't think it's you, it takes two to have a disagreement. And if your H continues to be angry and stressed over "fill in the blank", your IC would only address your reaction. Again, I think you really have to push for MC. Seems to be lots going on here.

 

I went through a similar (mis)adjustment when my folks died without a penny to their name, deciding unilaterally we were going on a crash program and save every cent to ensure some assets in our golden years. Needless to say, my one-man undisclosed campaign didn't go over well ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GunslingerRoland]

1) 7 year olds aren't particularly appreciative of anyone. Whether it's a step parent or a real parent. I'm not sure what feeling like a step parent rather than a babysitter means to him, but if he's expecting a lot of gratitude from a kid that age he'll probably spend a lot of time disappointed.

 

 

2) Your husband doesn't sound particularly stable. He sounds like he has one foot out the door and the fact you hide stuff from him that you shouldn't have, makes it sounds like you can't completely trust him.

 

 

3) Why does your abusive ex still have access to your child? I know it's not the point of the thread and I don't want to derail it, but I'm hoping someone who left a relationship because of abuse, would go to hell and back before allowing that abuser partial custody of a child.

[Cinnamonstix]

Based on what you've shared, I don't think you are the problem. Of course it was absolutely wrong to lie about talking to your ex, and you know that. I don't see you making that mistake again. I can understand being a bit jealous about the work husband comment as well. And regarding the father's day fiasco, I can understand his hurt. But you are human and you messed up. A normal reaction would be hurt and disappointment, but they would let you make it up to them.

 

However, your husband's reactions are way over the top. He seems jealous, insecure and emotionally immature. It could very well be that his dad's affair left a lasting impact on him. He's found out first hand that you can never really know a person, and his dad got away with it while he was alive. Now his anger and lack of trust seems to be transferring over into your relationship.

 

Whatever it is that is going on with your husband, it's not for you to deal with. It's up to him to get help. If he won't find a way to deal with it, you just may have to get a divorce. You can't walk on egg shells for the rest of your life.

[optomistic_nonsense]

Cinnamon you hit the nail on the head - his fathers affair did leave a lasting impression. Although my older son is only 7 (actually 6 for another week), he does a lot with my husband and is with us 60% of the time. My ex H was emotionally abusive, he never laid a hand on me. He haad issues stemming from the Balkan war that he was involved in. Long story. Decent father but he works a LOT and is not physically around much.

[Cinnamonstix]

Optimistic, do you recognize that your current H's reactions are emotionally abusive as well?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Just chiming in to offer a different point of view

I don't know what it's like to be married to you...

 

However, the pattern you described would set alarms off for me too,

Regardless of the other facts, you did exactly what you told him you wouldn't do,

How many other affairs were discovered with exactly this type of behavior?

How can you expect him to continue accepting lies and stick around to be your savior?

 

With the first lie, and your explanation, he accepted it, you worked it out,

Yet, same issue later down the road, and you're still lying to cover what it's about,

How easy is it to delete texts, hide emails, have 2nd phones for work affairs to take place?

How many more blatant lies does he have to uncover from you saving face?

 

These other posters say his issues are the cause, and that could possibly be true,

Your mischievous behavior, and what you lied about, and how you failed to follow through.

I'm not trying to attack you, and my opinion could be completely off base,

But if I were in this position, this is what would cause MY mind to race.

 

In my opinion, his other issues may need a therapist to slowly work through,

Could they be related? Sure, but you exasperated them with what you chose to do,

Head over to another section and read about emotional affairs, and how they often start,

Then compare your behavior to that of many people's stories, maybe that played a part!

[optomistic_nonsense]

Thank you for the response

 

Cinnamon - yes I do realize this is yet another emotionally abuaige relationship. My ex husbands sadly stemmed from the war, which he knew. My former sister in law even warned me of his behavior and why he hadnt married thus far but at the time, it didn't seem problematic. He wouldn't have the same outbursts. He would hide weapons under the bed in case murderers broke into the house, hed set curfews for me, I wasnt allowed to intermix with old friends and family who drank alcohol - these are what inevitably ruined that relationship. My family had to intervene even.

 

This relationship....its different. Four out of the 5 yrs weve been together have been fine. Its just this past year. An emotional affair looks obvious given my explanation of it I suppose. There was never an attraction by any means to this man mind you and I respected him and his wife both. Even with the wife trying to shed light on everything was not successful.

 

In summary, I am aware of my mistakes and understand the need to work on myself, but his reactions are unlike him and downright bully-like.

[BettyDraper]

If this kind of behavior is not typical for your husband, it's likely a response to grief as well as finding out that his late father was having an affair. Your husband is taking out his pain on you and though that is understandable, it doesn't excuse the way he is treating you at all.

 

Be honest with your husband about what you are willing to tolerate. Show sympathy for his losses but remind him that you are not a punching bag. You are not obligated to tolerate emotional abuse because your husband is grieving the loss of his father and the image he had of his parent.

[dichotomy]

I am a step dad, married to a women who's ex was abusive. Also both my wife and I dealt with traumatic loss of parents - so I am just going to share some of my views.

 

The death of a parent, especially a close one, and learning of affairs or hidden issues with that death - can have devastating affects on the emotional well being. Something very similar (death of cheating parent) to my wife and she became unhealthy for a while - acting out. The death of both my parents a few years ago has also left me still dealing with grief and some depression - I have some challenges talking about it to my wife, so I bottle some of it up and it comes out in negative ways.

 

Second being a step parent is freaking hard - so freaking hard - practically and emotionally. I know this first hand. You got your wife's ex husband to deal with and all the crap (visitation, etc) and your dealing with a child who may feel split emotions between his mom, dad, and the step parent. I just want to be married and a parent and not dealing with outsider and connections to others. An to be honest my own wife never really understood all this - or how I might feel - she was clueless. I even until recently kept correcting her saying "my child" in front of people - now she finally says "our child". If my wife did not arrange at least a special breakfast on fathers day with my step child (before they went biodad) I would feel hurt. But regardless its a tough to feel your the the second dad, second husband, and always accommodating others.

 

However all this said - I love being a dad, or rather its my nature to be one (I don't always love it - ). I loved my step child - even when it was difficult. I also love my bio child ...and it is easier with my bio-child and for me. You don't mention much how your husband is feeling about being a new dad. I would think (from my view) this would provide a lot of joy and kind of overshadow other issues.

 

There are stepfamily support boards maybe your husband could visit and vent a little. He sounds like he does need some support and therapy.

Edited June 22, 2016 by dichotomy

[MJJean]

I agree that your husband is going a bit over the top. He has had reason to be upset, but his reactions seem to be colored by grief and the discovery of a very deep betrayal.

 

From his point of view, his family, his parents marriage, who he thought his father was, a chunk of his life...all lies. His world view has been altered. He's been shaken to his foundations, literally. Our parents are our foundation, after all. He's bound to have issues, primarily relating to trust.

 

This does not, however, excuse poor behavior. He needs help to cope. Your job, as his wife, is to do your best to get him that help. But, as always, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. So, while doing your best to help him get the help he needs, understand that you cannot do it for him and he has to want to heal himself.

[Jersey born raised]

He is frighten and unsure of life. He is lashing out at you and trying to bully and intimidate you into submission. There is a county Western singer (married to nicole Kidman) with a song "stupid boy" that sums up his actions.

 

While I do have a sense of what is going on though your posts I don't know what to advise except seek someone with both trauma and infidelity training. I say infidelity as this might be the only one that can convince him it did not occur.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Jersey born raised]

Oh has thrown around the term EA or PA? Read some of the infidelity threads and see the terms used there. If he does start using them he is on a board being coached and being told it is an EA/PA workplace thing.

 

The truth is once a BS hits the boards the odds are sky high it is an EA or PA usually both. But I've seen marriages blown because it was not.

[ladyj888]

Hi! Pretty stressful situation you seem to be in and you also seem to be handling it well despite what you’ve described as your mistakes and shortcomings. Everyone, including all of us here, have some. I wouldn’t focus on the past, but on what you said, that you want to work on saving your marriage, and I think BettyDraper is on the right path in want she shared. Make a moment (and I say « make » because finding one never happens), when your husband is in a pleasant (normal, like his-old-self mood), but not involved in thinking or focusing on something else (perhaps schedule it a day or so out with him so he can be prepared) to discuss how you feel things are going between you, your concerns, and his thoughts about how he’s sees things. You may want to ask him how he feels about you, about trusting you and why. It’s a hard discussion to have, but like BettyDraper said, depending on how it goes it may lead to a clear, transparent discussion where you also have to let him know what you want to do and how to work on it, which involves mutually respect. Tough love discussion I call it, and there’s nothing wrong with them. I’ll definitely be praying for your situation. I’ve called on Jesus too for many a situation with my husband and though not quite where I’d like it to be, we’re still trucking better in many areas than the start, so I know He answers.