Divorce Diary

[Tuesday After]

For a minute, I thought music was going to save me.

 

It was so great to get lost in it again after all these years.

 

Now I can't even look at my equipment. I open my software, and I close it again. I can't force it.

 

She texted me she wants to start picking up her stuff and some of the furniture. I told her, fine, but she's got to come when I'm not here and she's got to get out before I'm home. I don't want to see her.

 

I told her to get the divorce going, I've already applied for the home equity loan. I told her to make this as easy as possible, do the divorce online, she doesn't have to serve me, I will sign and notarize everything, but I'm not going to see her and I'm not going to go to court or anything.

 

I had taken my ring off the day after she first told me. I really miss it on my finger.

[Tuesday After]

I have to keep remembering how lucky I am.

 

When my first wife told me she wanted to divorce, I had no place to go. I had to live with her while I figured out what to do. That was horrible. That was really horrible.

 

It got so sad, that I started to sleep in my car just so I didn't have to see her. Thankfully I very quickly found an apartment.

 

I guess there are things very seriously wrong with me. It's weird, because on the surface I lead a pretty average life. But there seems to be something really broken in me that neither myself nor the shrinks that I've seen seem to be able to fix.

 

I'm very grateful for a couple of margaritas, my bicycle, my tablet. I sit at the bar for an hour or two, I'm around a lot of people, and that's enough for now. I go home, I watch tv, I try to sleep.

 

And I love the chickens. I never would have guessed. I thought she was crazy, but I went with it, and now look who's raising them. I tuck them in every night, and I say hello to them every morning.

 

She dipped out and left me with the two major things that I did for her: the house and the chickens. The last two things in the world that I would have expected.

[Tuesday After]

She's been to the house a few days this week, picking up whatever she can fit in her car.

 

It's bad...I always relapse after she's been in the house.

 

It's like having bits of my body cut off a little at a time.

[Tuesday After]

I've been on the Effexor for 2 weeks. Nothing yet, but antidepressants can take up to 8 weeks to do anything. I'm hopeful.

 

I'm still going to the bar every night. I'm only having two drinks, and sometimes I'm not even finishing the second one. It's just enough to feel better.

 

The doctor is certainly not going to encourage drinking, but when I pressed him, he said a few drinks are not going to kill me, just to keep it 4 hours away from the pills. No problem.

 

It would probably be wise to stop drinking altogether. If nothing else, I am not going to want to keep spending the money.

[Tuesday After]

Today I couldn't remember what she looks like. If someone held a gun to my head I don't think I could picture her face. I can't remember anything about our first years together. I feel like I never knew her, that it was all some vague dream.

 

I remember having this feeling before, when I lost my other relationships.

 

It's a very weird and unpleasant feeling. Like she was never there.

[Tuesday After]

She's young. Too young. She needs to experience more of life. I thought she was ready. She was way ahead of her time, smart, somewhat experienced, had lived abroad for a year.

 

I took a chance. I knew I was taking a big chance, but I had to do it. I had to try. She was the first person that I had felt something for in over ten years. There was no choice in the matter for me. If you told me that you had a crystal ball and you knew that it was guaranteed to be doomed, I do not think that I could have done any differently.

[Tuesday After]

I keep reminding myself that if the relationship was that good, it wouldn't have ended.

 

I keep reminding myself of all the things about her that got on my nerves.

 

I never realized how selfish she is. And spoiled. Her mother really dotes on her and spoils her.

 

I could list twenty things wrong with her. And they honestly piss me off.

 

I keep reminding myself of how I grew complacent, too comfortable. Our life together had gotten into a comfortable rut.

 

I keep thinking of how I never wanted to travel--I hate to travel--and how important travel was to her.

 

I keep going back to depression, how hard it must have been for her. How hard it was for me, just being content to get through another day. I keep wondering if I could get the depression to lift, would I like traveling? Would I be more fun, more social, a better partner?

 

The answer seems to be yes. That's why I keep taking the pills.

 

I keep reminding myself of the boring times. I keep looking for bad times, but there really weren't any. She is one of the cheeriest people I know. She kind of floats through life. She doesn't seem to stay long on any one thought. It's one of the puzzling things about her. In one way, it is really disarming and uncomfortable for someone like me. In another way, it is exactly what I need.

 

I keep telling myself, she's right. We really don't have enough in common. Somewhere in all this she said to me that we are on different paths and in different stages of our lives. She said that she loved all the years we spent together, but it's time for another chapter.

 

What a bunch of hippie horsesh#t. It makes me want to scream.

 

But, she's probably right.

[Tuesday After]

I've started meditating again.

 

I've tried it in the past...did it once, religiously, every day for an hour while using binaural beats. Did that for a year. Didn't seem to help much, so I stopped.

 

Well, I'm trying again. Maybe we have more in common than she thought.

 

I'm also watching a lot of self-help videos and reading a lot of psychology. Trying to figure out things like self-esteem, self actualization, and all the stuff that seems to elude me. There's a ton of information out there and I'm searching and searching for whatever it is that's going to help me flip the switch.

[Tuesday After]

No contact is a good idea and it is definitely the way to go.

 

I don't call her, I don't text her. I don't want to know if there was someone else, I don't want to look at her facebook page and I don't want to go anywhere where I might see her. I'm grateful for all of that.

 

Unfortunately, there are still details to work out. I will not be able to have no contact until the divorce is finalized.

 

I cringe now when I get a text message from her because I know I'm going to feel bad for two days afterward.

 

That sense of unreality will not quit. I still cannot believe in my heart that this is happening. It's almost two months already. My day to day life is proving that she is gone.

 

But part of me keeps expecting to hear her key in the front door.

[Tuesday After]

I was riding back from the bar, looking forward to pizza and a movie on tv.

 

I had the headphones on, listening to music. I ride on the sidewalk, because I am scared of everything.

 

I heard something above the music. I looked over my shoulder and I saw an SUV sliding right for me. It started to roll.

 

I jumped off the bike. The SUV rolled right on top of the bike.

 

I couldn't believe it.

 

I am grateful to be fine and alive.

 

But my bike was crushed and my tablet was smashed.

[Tuesday After]

It was a three car collision. An older woman ran a light. The end result was...well, it was a close one. Everyone was okay.

 

I am so grateful to be alive, but the woman was uninsured, so I am out a bike and a $300 tablet. I can grudgingly afford to replace the tablet. I can't afford to replace the bike.

 

I managed to ride the bike home...it was about four miles. The frame is bent, the handlebars are crushed, but I was able to get it home. It was ironic because I was fine after the accident, but I fell off the bike three times trying to get it home. I'll have to see if it can possibly be fixed, but it doesn't look good.

 

The house is near a mountain.

 

Today, I began to hike.

[Tuesday After]

Another week has gone by. It's getting harder and harder to write.

 

I'm also not sure that it's doing me any good. What seems to be happening is that the more I try to write this out of my system, the more I think about it.

 

I started screaming in the car the other day. Part of me was watching myself and marveling at what a drama queen I was being. The other part of me was saying, puke it out, puke it all out, it's better than having a heart attack.

 

I think it's a good idea to allow a short time to freak out, and then just put a cork in it. I keep telling myself that this is life and crap just happens. Not much comfort, but it seems to be the truth.

 

I don't know why my bike was destroyed. I don't know if I am supposed to read anything into that. But it was a good time to stop drinking.

 

So, I have been hiking every day.

 

I'm thinking about putting all of this out in the forum that I discovered. I have mixed feelings about it. It's something a little different for me. I don't really like putting myself out there.

[Tuesday After]

My home equity loan was approved.

 

I told her to get the divorce papers ready as soon as possible.

 

I just found out that there is a two month waiting period in this state after the papers are signed. Boy, that's not good. I have another few months of this.

 

At least as soon as I sign the papers, there will be no reason to hear from her.

[Tuesday After]

I've been hiking now every day, and it's actually better exercise than riding my bike.

 

My weight is stable and my blood pressure is almost normal again.

 

I just finished the first month of the Effexor. Unfortunately, I don't feel any different. If anything, I'm getting a little less than five hours sleep.

 

I go to work. I hike, I take care of the house, do my bills. I meditate, I study self help, I eat pizza and vegetables and I watch tv. I take care of the chickens, I clean their coop, feed them, turn on the mist system as it gets really hot in the summer. I collect all their eggs and give them to the neighbors. I kinda lost my taste for eggs.

 

It's so sad to be with the chickens. They are actually really lovable, but they remind me so much of my wife. They were like our children. She always called them our babies.

 

Two of them actually come when you call them by name.

 

I guess, just like this house, after a time her memory will fade and they will become my chickens, and it will become my house.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know how long I will keep the house. The home equity loan is only good at this rate for one year. After that, it goes up to 5.5% adjustable rate. I guess when the time comes I can try to refinance somehow. I will research it then. But for now, it buys me a year, and I don't have to add the stress of moving on top of everything else.

Edited June 22, 2016 by Tuesday After

[Tuesday After]

I don't know how, but I am doing fine at work. I actually hired and trained three new people, so at least I have a little stability for a minute and I don't have to cook.

 

She called me and said that the papers are ready. She will drop them off and pick up the last of her stuff this week.

 

I am trying to prepare myself. I rearranged the whole bedroom, changed the sheets, rehung pictures, reorganized the kitchen, spread my stuff out in the huge walk-in closet. After she is gone, I will go through the house and throw out anything that she left behind.

 

I am trying to prepare myself.

 

Don't worry, she's just gone for awhile. Any moment, she'll be back and you can finally watch the end of Boardwalk Empire.

[S2B]

Don't allow her to have access to that home equity line of money. She could take it all and you won't have it.

 

Block any withdrawals from happening without two verified signatures if nothing else!

[Tuesday After]

It's been about three weeks without drinking at all. I still can't say that I am feeling any better from the Effexor. And I feel a little worse for not having that little bit of social activity and that little relief buzz.

 

I guess I'll give it a few more weeks and see where I'm at.

 

She wanted a dog. A big hairy dog. You hate big hairy dogs. Her mother has big hairy dogs and every time you left the house you had big hairy dog hair on you for a week.

 

And who would probably wind up taking care of the big hairy dog, while she flitted onto the next thing, hmm?

 

And what would have happened if you would have knuckled under and had kids? You would have been taking care of chickens, big hairy dogs and kids, while she traipses off to Southern Bosnia, or some crap.

 

I am very lucky. I keep trying to remind myself.

[Tuesday After]

Don't allow her to have access to that home equity line of money. She could take it all and you won't have it.

 

Block any withdrawals from happening without two verified signatures if nothing else!

 

Thank you very much for your concern. The home equity loan is only in the amount that I owe her for the house, not a penny more. If she takes it, which I don't believe she will, it was just going to be transferred into her account anyway.

 

Besides which, the house is only in my name, as is the home equity loan.

[Tuesday After]

Monday, June 20 2016

 

She came to the house today to get the last of her stuff and drop off the papers while I was at work.

 

My cell rings, it's her.

 

One of our chickens died. She went in the back to say goodbye to them and our lead hen was dead.

 

I forgot to turn the mist system on this morning. I went out, checked them, fed them and forgot to turn the mister on.

 

I killed one of our babies.

[Tuesday After]

She offered to put on a pair of gloves and dispose of her so I didn't have to see her. My wife knows how I am.

 

I told her absolutely not, I wanted to bury her.

 

I couldn't stop crying, I told my wife how sorry I was. My wife said not to blame myself. The other chickens seemed fine, and she knew that I certainly didn't do it intentionally.

 

I told my wife to leave and I rushed home.

 

I found our chicken underneath the watering system. She had been trying to cool herself down.

 

I picked her up and hugged her, and stroked her and kissed her. I kept telling her how sorry I was. I held her for a long time. She was still so soft, just beginning to get a little stiff.

 

I dug a hole underneath one of our pecan trees and I buried her.

 

Then, I went to hike the mountain.

[Tuesday After]

June 21, 2016

 

I don't know what life is trying to tell me. Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just life.

 

I cried a bit while I was hiking. And I just cried pretty hard while I was writing all that. But, it's just a chicken, right? And I hate to be cold, but she was the least friendly of the flock.

 

That evidently didn't stop me from loving her.

 

She just texted me, she forgot something at the house and wanted to know if she could come pick it up.

 

I'm going for my hike, so, yeah, sure.

[Tuesday After]

Later:

 

She saw my wrecked bike. Jeez, I don't want her to think that I'm so distraught that I crashed, or something.

 

I texted her a photo of the rolled SUV and said that I didn't do anything, I was just riding and life tried to drop a truck on my head.

 

I didn't know what else to do.

 

She quickly texted back all kinds of concern and thankfulness that I was okay and sympathy for how messed up that was, etc.

 

So now I am back in the hamster wheel. My poor little messed up heart is concocting all sorts of romantic reconciliations.

 

I am staring at a pile of divorce papers on our lovely matte-finish granite counter top and I am telling myself she'll be back any minute. Any minute.

[Tuesday After]

June 22, 2016

 

So, that's it. I left out a lot because it was just too much. I edited a lot because I don't know what's appropriate any more.

 

I feel weird about putting all this out there. It has felt a little good and a little creepy.

 

Part of me is thinking about contacting the mods and asking them to let me delete this whole thing. I guess I'll let it sit for awhile and see how I feel.

 

I don't think I'm going to continue writing a diary. I'm not sure, but I think it may be doing me more harm than good this time around.

[Tuesday After]

As for my wife, I will keep trying to remind myself that she will soon be my ex-wife. I hope that I will eventually be able to accept it.

 

Anger helps, and once in awhile I am able to be angry at her.

 

But it doesn't last. So I grieve, because I want to puke it out. There will be a time when the grieving is not going to help anymore, and I will have to let that go too.

 

It's early to tell, but when I honestly look back, our relationship was certainly not unsuccessful. We made a family, had a house, made a life together. Until she left me, we didn't fight, we didn't hurt each other, we paid our bills, we even saved some money. I got along with her family and I think they loved me. My family definitely loved her.

 

And I loved her. I still love her. I am a lot older. I will remember her the rest of my life.

 

I'm sure that she will keep a small place for me. But she's got many years for that place to fade into oblivion.

 

My brain knows that it can't work and I am amazed that we lasted as long as we did. Even though there is no chance, and there is no way that we are compatible anymore, if by some miracle there was the slightest chance, I would take it in a heartbeat.

 

And my heart is going to hope and hope and hope, even after the papers are signed. I'm going to feel every little disturbance in the atmosphere and find hope in it. My rational mind will keep trying to pound the pussy out of me. I really hope it wins this time.

 

My best chance is to find somebody else that interests me. I don't care what anybody says about rebound relationships. If you find someone who is the least bit special, it's the single best way to get over your ex. Maybe the only way.

[Tuesday After]

I don't know if I will post anymore. I think I may be done, but who knows.

 

Like I said, it's been a little creepy doing this and I don't know how much good it's going to do me, or anybody else.

 

I believe the no contact idea is absolutely good.

 

I'm not sure any smart girl is going to fall for the 180. The only way I can see that working is if you really moved on and performed a real 180. For a guy like me, who is basically a hermit and can't seem to find much deep interest in many people, that is extremely difficult to do.

 

I also believe that you have to try your best to really accept that things are over, that this is reality, and that all you should be focused on is moving forward. I also tell you that if you have a heart, most of that is just going to be faking it and hoping that you can make it reality.

 

I believe that time does help, but don't get your hopes up. If you really fell for someone, the best you can hope for is that time can water it down. I don't believe time heals all wounds. At least, not for a long time. Maybe if you live long enough, all the memories fade to a gentle shade of grey.

 

I keep reminding myself of my age. I keep trying to be honest and tell myself that I don't have the luxury of wasting any time. It's unfortunate that I seem to only be attracted to women much younger than me. I feel bad about what I believe is a very shallow quality. But I never said I was a great man. I think in a lot of ways, I'm just an average man. Maybe a little below average.

 

I certainly hope everyone is ok. I always hope everyone is ok.

 

I hope I'm going to be ok.

 

I wish for all of you just what I wish for myself. That you finally get your sh#t together and you find that special person and you both ride off together into the sunset.