Irefusetosink Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 My husband and I have been married for 20 years now. Last year we were separated for a bit and got back together. Long story short, he was very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. I had had enough and we separated. I hadn't been happy for about 10 years and it took me forever to get the separation. I was kind of a doormat. But we separated and I was happy separated. But, he wanted me back and promised he changed, so I reluctantly took him back. We decided to relocate to somewhere we always wanted to live. Now, present day, he works on the road. The length of time he's on the road varies. This time he has been gone 4 months. Throughout our relationship he has always chosen jobs that take him away from home. I've never wanted that, begged him not to before, and feel like it has actually driven a wedge between us and between he and the kids. He wants me to basically throw everything in storage and go on the road with him so I can be with him wherever he goes all the time. Yeah, it's sweet that he wants to be with me all the time, but, I am not a gypsy type of person. I need to be stable in a home. He works long hours at his job and has 1 day off per week and hardly any time at night because he has to get sleep for work the next day. He tells me that he needs me to be a good wife and be there for him all the time. Prior to our move, I had a very successful career that I was proud of, and I wanted to find something here that I could do. He doesn't want me to work, he wants me with him all the time. He's very needy. When we were young (18), I was needy, and now that I've become more independent he doesn't like that at all. If I don't text him enough, if I don't call him enough or send him enough pictures, etc, he thinks I don't care. But I am doing all those things, he;s just never satisfied. AND...to make things worse he's being verbally and emotionally abusive again, calling me names and belittling me...and my family. I just don't know what to do. He won't compromise, but I want to be happy too. He doesn't care and has basically said so. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 I just don't know what to do. Really ??? You don't know what to do with a husband who abandons you and your kids for months at a time, is controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive and doesn't seem to care a whit about your wants and needs? I'll bet you do know, just unsure of the steps to get started. Do you still have kids at home? Any income or savings? Any friends or family that can help? Some more info would helpful... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 Hi Irefuse, is it so difficult to realize that you and your husband are completely incompatible? You seperated and were happy and then you go and put yourself in an unhappy position again? In your place I would go back to where you were before and try and get your job back and be rid of him forever. Also if he becomes a threat get a restraining order on him. He is not going to change so just forget that you can get him to do so. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Irefusetosink Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 Mr. Lucky & Just a Guy - Thank you for your comments...My family is not a hands on type of family. And i don't have much family to depend on. My kids are grown. One moved here with me and the other one lives in the other state we moved from. I got back with him because I thought he changed, he convinced me he did. Even though a voice in my head told me he wouldn't, and so did some of my friends. I guess it was also the tremendous pressure from friends and kids (he also has another daughter from a previous marriage) that made me feel like I had to give him another shot. I also didn't want to hurt him. I've always put other's feelings before my own and it took me a long time to get up the nerve to tell him I wanted the separation in the first place. As far as income or savings, Mr Lucky, I haven't been able to find a job yet, and I used my savings for the move and to pay off stuff for our "fresh start"... :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 The words are No and done. The rest is how. Until you make that commintment to No and Done you will exist in limbo. Can you change the tone to how? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 As far as income or savings, Mr Lucky, I haven't been able to find a job yet Then we've identified the first step. I'd send him on the road while you get your ducks in a row... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Hi I refuse, thank you for your response. Well it seems you made a mistake inspire of your gut advising you against going back to your husband. Do you really think a person who has got so set in his ways and whose traits are character based would make radical changes in his behaviour patterns? Just the same as you! You seem a masochist, who in a twisted wtay enjoys the pain and domination your husband inflicts on you. If that is what you want then be happy with your lot and don't complain. If you really want to live a life free from the shackles your husband has bound you with then you and only you, can make the effort and change. You have the Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Sorry my phone was playing up. As I was saying, you have the resources to make the change and as they say where there is a will there is a way. You have to decide and make the leap of faith. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 But, he wanted me back and promised he changed, so I reluctantly took him back. We decided to relocate to somewhere we always wanted to live. Now, present day, he works on the road. The length of time he's on the road varies. This time he has been gone 4 months. Throughout our relationship he has always chosen jobs that take him away from home. ****** He tells me that he needs me to be a good wife and be there for him all the time. Prior to our move, I had a very successful career that I was proud of, and I wanted to find something here that I could do. He doesn't want me to work, he wants me with him all the time. He's very needy. When we were young (18), I was needy, and now that I've become more independent he doesn't like that at all. If I don't text him enough, if I don't call him enough or send him enough pictures, etc, he thinks I don't care. But I am doing all those things, he;s just never satisfied. AND...to make things worse he's being verbally and emotionally abusive again, calling me names and belittling me...and my family. I just don't know what to do. He won't compromise, but I want to be happy too. He doesn't care and has basically said so. Nothing has changed, really...except you scrapped your job, uprooted yourself, and sunk all your savings into moving to be with a man who continues to be abusive and continues to live on the road for his job, just as he had done for at least ten years prior to your separation. What are you not sure about? What you see is what you get. You can play the martyr, be a self-described doormat who gets verbally and emotionally abused on the regular, then abandoned for weeks on end. Or you can stop the charade and get off the dysfunctional merry-go-round to which you seem to be inexplicably drawn. Your situation is just as much about your issues as his. Think hard about why you tolerated such mistreatment for a decade. Why is it that you felt driven to then return for more? Why are you so reluctant to leave when it's clear there will never be a miraculous change that you claim to want...he basically told you he doesn't care. If you don't figure out why you want to be in this crapfest situation, you'll seek out the same with others, even if you do leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EllyH Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 You seem like you already know what you want, but need the extra support and encouragement. It's very easy for someone to say they've changed, but it's another thing to put that into action and maintain it. I think you did what you could by giving him a chance to prove that he changed (people can and do). But he's now proven that he hasn't and since he's reverted back to being abusive you are under no obligation to stay. I really hope you find the strength and courage to find your footing and allow yourself to find peace for yourself and possibly and someone who will really love you the way you deserve to be loved. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 It's a no brainer. He's still abusive He doesn't want you to work ... so you are dependent on him. He uses the phrase that I find patronising 'be a good wife' Tell him what it takes to be a good husband. Go back to being on your own. Sunday like you were doing just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I agree to tell him, no. Would you be able to go back to your old job, or the company at least, where you used to live? Link to post Share on other sites
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