Why is she acting this way?

[TheBathWater]

I want to talk about two female friends, Sharon and Jennifer. We temporarily worked together a few months ago and have kept in touch since.

 

Although the three of us sometimes flirt with each other, it's obvious that nothing is happening. They are also both taken, and I have a lover of some kind typically. I am also acquainted with their partners. The two girls joke sometimes that we are in an open relationship together.

 

Jennifer has always acted hot and cold with me. Sometimes I thought this was related to my being flirty and her being taken, so I backed off and kept things playful with Sharon who is also playful by nature. Jennifer seemwd to get jealous and would then start initiating more flirting , saying we should have a slumber party and I could watch them two pillow fight, etc... She's also made innuendos about the use of sex toys, my seducing she and Sharon, and generally playing into things. I obviously don't mind. I'm playful with practically all women.

 

Sharon's birthday recently came up. I suggested we get her a vibrator (half joking). Jennifer was amused. We got her a plant and a card instead. Then at Sharon's bday party, just as we go to grab the gift from the car, Jennifer gets all weird and says we need to talk sometime about MY behavior and how it's getting excessive. I was totally surprised... I had always been aware of Jennifer's hot/cold nature and so looked to her to lead the sexual playfulness in our relationship with Sharon. Now suddenly she goes cold AND points at me. Wtf?!? And right before we give Sharon her gift.

 

I'm not entirely sure, but I think Jennifer is wanting to cause some drama and may also be jealous. Sharon is totally cool, and we have fun. I am friendly with her partner. We hide nothing. It's all in good fun and everyone knows. So what's Jennifer's deal?

 

I'm worried that if I keep on hanging out with the two of them that Jennifer is just going to keep creating drama along these lines, and I don't have the energy to put up with it. I also don't want it to affect my relationship to Sharon. Sometimes, I'm not even sure how much Jennifer really likes me and if she is just acting out some weird unresolved childhood thing here.

[CC12]

So did you ever have the conversation with Jennifer about your behavior? Let her explain what she means and give you some examples. Hear her out and try to be open to it. Try not to get defensive and blame it on her being jealous, or her wanting to cause drama, or her working out some unresolved childhood thing. It's possible you really are stepping over some boundaries. It's sometimes easy to misread the situation when you think everyone is having a fun time joking around. Just listen to what she has to say.

 

Also, there's a possibility that Sharon might not enjoy the off-color humor much either and she'd rather play along than cause a scene or any discomfort. You might want to casually bring it up with Sharon sometime - "By the way, when we joke around about 'adult-type' topics, do I ever make you feel uncomfortable or take things too far?" You don't need to tell her why you're asking (that it's because of Jennifer) because that would just cause drama, and you appear not to want that.

 

Edit: After posting, I noticed your question in the title. Why is she acting this way? The simplest explanation (and what she said to you directly in private) is that she's uncomfortable with your behavior. Maybe that's all there is to it.

Edited June 22, 2016 by CC12

[TheBathWater]

So did you ever have the conversation with Jennifer about your behavior? Let her explain what she means and give you some examples. Hear her out and try to be open to it. Try not to get defensive and blame it on her being jealous, or her wanting to cause drama, or her working out some unresolved childhood thing. It's possible you really are stepping over some boundaries. It's sometimes easy to misread the situation when you think everyone is having a fun time joking around. Just listen to what she has to say.

 

Also, there's a possibility that Sharon might not enjoy the off-color humor much either and she'd rather play along than cause a scene or any discomfort. You might want to casually bring it up with Sharon sometime - "By the way, when we joke around about 'adult-type' topics, do I ever make you feel uncomfortable or take things too far?" You don't need to tell her why you're asking (that it's because of Jennifer) because that would just cause drama, and you appear not to want that.

 

Edit: After posting, I noticed your question in the title. Why is she acting this way? The simplest explanation (and what she said to you directly in private) is that she's uncomfortable with your behavior. Maybe that's all there is to it.

 

At the party, I pulled Jennifer aside and let her know if she was a uncomfortable then that mattered to me. She initially denied any discomfort and focused on my "excessive" sexual energy. So basically she wouldn't own her feelings or reactions. Yet she continued that night to initiate some playful comments about her, me, and Sharon. It's like she's trying to purposefully confuse me, is how I'm honestly interpreting it right now. She has admitted to being an instigator and having an unexplainable urge to irritate me. Sure, you could try and say it comes from my behavior, but I think it's something else. I've tried not being playful with her at all, and just with Sharon, but then she seems to get jealous.

 

No issue exists like this with Sharon or with other women in my life. Since I met Jennifer there has always been this weird unspoken vibe I get from her like she's afraid or adverse to me... But then she'll completely change and engage me again and then once it feels like we're getting along she gets all weird again or pulls this. It's getting really annoying.

 

So I let her know before she, Sharon and I get together again that her and I need to talk by phone or in person. She seemed to agree but does not seem eager to schedule something. She did say through text finally she felt uncomfortable. Hallelujah. But I am still waiting to see if she wants to meet and talk. I think she knows on some level that even if she has a point she is acting out a little and doesn't want to address it. She can be an instigator.

Edited June 22, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[lolablue17]

The 3 of you have created a special friendship cell structure, which functions by it's own rules, isolated from all other relationships each one of you have beside this one.

 

It's a platonic threesome. In this threesome, there're complex dynamics, very gentle and under the surface. yes, sometime Jennifer is jealous, this is part of the cell's dynamic. It has nothing to do with the fact that she's in a relationship.

 

The good news - This friendship is very precious to the 3 of you.

The bad news - There are no bad news, but if in the future you + one of them will be simultaneously will be single, it may happen, and it might break the cell.