Should I Leave?

[MissCongeniality]

I am not a good person I've made bad choices with my life I've never been selfless. My children are the only ones that think I'm nice I can honestly say they are the only ones I put before myself. I am a total screw up always have been. All my life I've made one bad choice after the other and I was originally just using my husband but I did fall for him over time.

 

We've obviously have had our ups and downs and I hate that I'm not the woman he thought I was. I feel he and our kids deserve better than me. I feel this way because I if money is bad I will do what ever it takes to get the money and keep things a float I'm a professional dominatrix and do stripping on the side so obviously I'm not a good role model.

 

However in my more desperate times I've done porn. I want to do better as a wife and mother but this kind of stuff is the only thing I'm good at. I just don't want what I do to have a bad impact on my family. Part of me feels that before things get worse and before I screw things up I should leave.

 

I started thinking about this when I almost fell off the wagon. I was doing good then I almost slipped and I just feel I should leave before I slip. I don't want my kids to be as screwed up as I am and before I cross that line(I would never hurt them but I'm always afraid I might screw them up) I feel I should leave.

 

I just feel sometimes they'd be better off without me. Especially my husband I can be insensitive at times and it's not that I don't love him its just he's so much better than me and I don't get why he loves me. I'm literally the last person who should be married with kids and I feel I don't deserve my family

[bummer]

Hey. Your husband likely See a many good things in you. Ask him why he loves you and write down what he says.

 

Your children love you unconditionally. You're their mother. Ask them what they love about you and write it down.

 

Most importantly, in this moment of weakness, sit by yourself and write every nice thing you can think of about yiurself. What can you cook well? Can you paint? Do you read stories to yiur kids? Do you make people laugh? What do you do for yiur kids or husband you know no one else can do? Show your self some appreciation and love.

 

You deserve your family and your kids. Don't abandon them. You'll be fine and won't screw up because you know better. Kids can forgive a present parent who tries when they fail much easier than one who isn't there.

 

Be strong.

[basil67]

Don't leave. Instead get some help for yourself and find ways to make better choices in your life. You must remember that you're in this situation because of your neglectful parents. Make yourself the kind of parent you wish you'd had.

 

Are you in a position to get some qualifications?

[road]

I am not a good person I've made bad choices with my life I've never been selfless. My children are the only ones that think I'm nice I can honestly say they are the only ones I put before myself. I am a total screw up always have been. All my life I've made one bad choice after the other and I was originally just using my husband but I did fall for him over time.

 

We've obviously have had our ups and downs and I hate that I'm not the woman he thought I was. I feel he and our kids deserve better than me. I feel this way because I if money is bad I will do what ever it takes to get the money and keep things a float I'm a professional dominatrix and do stripping on the side so obviously I'm not a good role model.

 

However in my more desperate times I've done porn. I want to do better as a wife and mother but this kind of stuff is the only thing I'm good at. I just don't want what I do to have a bad impact on my family. Part of me feels that before things get worse and before I screw things up I should leave.

 

I started thinking about this when I almost fell off the wagon. I was doing good then I almost slipped and I just feel I should leave before I slip. I don't want my kids to be as screwed up as I am and before I cross that line(I would never hurt them but I'm always afraid I might screw them up) I feel I should leave.

 

I just feel sometimes they'd be better off without me. Especially my husband I can be insensitive at times and it's not that I don't love him its just he's so much better than me and I don't get why he loves me. I'm literally the last person who should be married with kids and I feel I don't deserve my family

 

You do not have to work in the sex industry you chose to.

 

 

Stop choosing to do so.

 

 

As to finances. All people no matter how much they have they want more. Thing is for most of the people they can not increase their wealth. Though everyone can cut their costs.

[MissCongeniality]

Hey. Your husband likely See a many good things in you. Ask him why he loves you and write down what he says.

 

Your children love you unconditionally. You're their mother. Ask them what they love about you and write it down.

 

Most importantly, in this moment of weakness, sit by yourself and write every nice thing you can think of about yiurself. What can you cook well? Can you paint? Do you read stories to yiur kids? Do you make people laugh? What do you do for yiur kids or husband you know no one else can do? Show your self some appreciation and love.

 

You deserve your family and your kids. Don't abandon them. You'll be fine and won't screw up because you know better. Kids can forgive a present parent who tries when they fail much easier than one who isn't there.

 

Be strong.

I'm good at making basic food nothing complicated. I haven't done anything artistic for a while. Yes I read to them occasionally. Theres a lot I do that no one else could.

Don't leave. Instead get some help for yourself and find ways to make better choices in your life. You must remember that you're in this situation because of your neglectful parents. Make yourself the kind of parent you wish you'd had.

 

Are you in a position to get some qualifications?

Honestly I never finshished high school and have always wanted to get my GED. I use to want to teach dancing.

You do not have to work in the sex industry you chose to.

 

 

Stop choosing to do so.

 

 

As to finances. All people no matter how much they have they want more. Thing is for most of the people they can not increase their wealth. Though everyone can cut their costs.

I've tried getting a regular job nothing really ever works out.

[DKT3]

Does your husband know if are you doing these things behind his back.

[bummer]

Theres a lot I do that no one else could.

 

Start here! Thank you for doing all the things no one else can. You should be proud of this. Love yourself for being a good mother.

 

Next, get your GED. find a dance studio to prsctice at or work at part time as a cleaner or trainer. Humble yiurself and expand from the sphere of love you have with your family. Don't leave.

[bathtub-row]

Your family would be incredibly screwed up if you left them. Please don't do that. Is your husband aware of what you do, or is it a secret?

[xxoo]

 

Honestly I never finshished high school and have always wanted to get my GED. I use to want to teach dancing..

 

Get your GED.

 

Teaching dancing (fitness dancing, Zumba, Cize, etc) is an achievable goal, and you can begin learning without formal training. Start with youtube videos. Dance with your kids. It will give you a positive focus and habit to incorporate into your new life. You can get certified later, after your GED.

 

Don't abandon your family. Even if you live separately due to marriage break down, do not abandon your family. You are strong, and you are worthy. You got this.

[seamos]

I'm also curious if your husband is aware of all you're doing or not.

 

Your occupations that you've described here are rather socially unacceptable but I don't think that in itself means everything. If you're doing what you do w/ a reasonable degree of caution and integrity then perhaps you're being a little hard on yourself.

 

Only you know the answer to that.

 

As far as just leaving, I think that's kind of a cop out... like suicide it would affect the people who care about you w/o really giving them any say in things. Don't do it.

 

I agree the life you've chosen for yourself isn't going to present the best opportunity for your kids but I've seen children (I'm thinking of two in particular) pretty much abandoned and left to raise themselves who have turned out very well (both professionals in the medical field). So, I think a positive attitude and always being there for them will go a long way in helping them reach adulthood in one piece.

 

Get your GED if for no other reason than to show yourself that you can.

 

If some of my post doesn't make sense I'm typing this w/o my glasses so it's all a blur to me. LOL

 

Good Luck.

[BettyDraper]

Have you ever sought help for your emotional issues? I'm sure that has been suggested more than once but have you actually spoken to a therapist?

 

I've known more than once sex worker who left The Life to be wives and mothers. It wasn't easy but they did it because they were tired of the sex trade. Maybe you haven't had enough yet. If that is the case, then you need to be honest with your husband if you're not telling him the truth.

 

It seems like you're self destructive so you're pushing away love because you don't think you deserve it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi MissCogeniality, having read your OP and your reply to posts of others, I have to day that if you love your family and they love you then leaving and going away to be on your own would amount to abdicating your responsibility. I think you should focus on the positives in your life and not on the negatives. As you go on in life try and cull out the bad chices that you have habitually made, especially when you are down. Also though I am not a religious person, I know that prayer is a very powerful tool in one's life to help with problems which seem insurmountable. You should try it even if you dont go to church or other religious places. Warm wishes to you.

[ShatteredLady]

One of my brothers thought processes before he took his life was, "My kids will be better off without me!". I PROMISE you that is NOT correct. If you don't want your kids to be screwed-up don't leave!! My nephews & niece are a mess!!

 

I grew-up with a boy who's Mum had just left, just gone. He never got over it!

 

One of the most amazing Mum's I know worked in the trade for years. She bought their first home. She is now dedicated to being the very best mother that she can be. She supports her family in all of their interests, teaches art etc.

 

I've answered your threads before & I truly believe that you could change your life around if you really want to. I understand your guilt but you have a husband who loves & cherishs you. Take care of your family. They love you.

[MissCongeniality]

Your family would be incredibly screwed up if you left them. Please don't do that. Is your husband aware of what you do, or is it a secret?

 

He is now he hasn't always been. When he found out it nearly destroyed our marriage. We have a don't ask don't tell rule. I keep thinking this way because my sister saw me with our younger brother who was high and calling us talking crazy and she flipped out saying my kids would be better off without me. She out right assumed I fell off the wagon never thought I might be there to make sure he was okay all because I was hanging out with our brother which ironically is why I almost fell off the wagon.

[anika99]

I'm good at making basic food nothing complicated. I haven't done anything artistic for a while. Yes I read to them occasionally. Theres a lot I do that no one else could.

 

Honestly I never finshished high school and have always wanted to get my GED. I use to want to teach dancing.

 

I've tried getting a regular job nothing really ever works out.

 

 

I don't think you have really tried, I think you just like the easy money and the thrills of your chosen field. Your husband would probably be supportive if you wanted to take some training and do something else. You don't work in that industry because you have to, you do it because you want to and you want to more than you want to be a good role model for your children.

 

 

Talking about walking out on your children isn't thinking of them either, it's just wallowing in self pity and looking for another easy way out. Abandoning your children would mess them up but you would rather do that than do the work you need to do to become a better parent and wife.

 

 

Since your husband has decided to accept what you do and still wants the marriage why is this an issue anyways? Why do suddenly want to dump your whole family when nobody in your family is even demanding that you change what you are doing? Have you ever been evaluated for personality disorders? It seems like you are creating drama where there isn't any and you also seem to have difficulty in getting outside of yourself and thinking of others. Sure you say you think of your kids and what is best for them but you do it in a very self centred self pitying way. "Oh I am a terrible mother and wife and there is nothing I can do about that other than just run away from my problems. My poor poor children will be better off without me because there is simply nothing I can do to improve myself or make things better. Oh woe is me!"

 

 

That's just feeling sorry for yourself rather than looking for solutions and doing the work.

[basil67]

You read to your kids occasionally. Why only occasionally? You're clearly literate, so that's not the problem.

[66Charger]

I dated a dominatrix once. I didnt know it until I went to her home. During a conversation, I noticed she tried a dominant tone or question. I completely ignored it. She recogized i wasnt having it and immediately changed. It was almost like a relief that she could have a normal male/female relationship. She was really loving amd wanted the fairy tale.

 

But the dark side ruled, and I said no thank you. Funny I saw her years down the line. She was like you. Married with children. But out of the trade. The brightness in her eyes was almost blinding. Rattled on and on about her husband and kids and the house.

 

Soon your time will come. Right now, you are not thankful for what you have. But one day, you will look in the mirror, in full garb and not see a dominatrix. Instead you will see a fool. A clown. You will then take off the makeup, throw the dirt in the trash, put your kids to bed, and sleep soundly next to your husband.

 

Hang in there and fight the darkside. Your time will come. It always does.

[whichwayisup]

I am not a good person I've made bad choices with my life I've never been selfless. My children are the only ones that think I'm nice I can honestly say they are the only ones I put before myself. I am a total screw up always have been. All my life I've made one bad choice after the other and I was originally just using my husband but I did fall for him over time.

 

We've obviously have had our ups and downs and I hate that I'm not the woman he thought I was. I feel he and our kids deserve better than me. I feel this way because I if money is bad I will do what ever it takes to get the money and keep things a float I'm a professional dominatrix and do stripping on the side so obviously I'm not a good role model.

 

However in my more desperate times I've done porn. I want to do better as a wife and mother but this kind of stuff is the only thing I'm good at. I just don't want what I do to have a bad impact on my family. Part of me feels that before things get worse and before I screw things up I should leave.

 

I started thinking about this when I almost fell off the wagon. I was doing good then I almost slipped and I just feel I should leave before I slip. I don't want my kids to be as screwed up as I am and before I cross that line(I would never hurt them but I'm always afraid I might screw them up) I feel I should leave.

 

I just feel sometimes they'd be better off without me. Especially my husband I can be insensitive at times and it's not that I don't love him its just he's so much better than me and I don't get why he loves me. I'm literally the last person who should be married with kids and I feel I don't deserve my family

 

Work on you. Go to counseling with him and on your own. Take courses or go back to school, learn a trait that you can be passionate about and make money so you can find a job that will make yourself be proud and the rest of your family. You really don't seem happy and it's time to make some major changes in your life.

[whichwayisup]

I'm good at making basic food nothing complicated. I haven't done anything artistic for a while. Yes I read to them occasionally. Theres a lot I do that no one else could.

 

Honestly I never finshished high school and have always wanted to get my GED. I use to want to teach dancing.

 

I've tried getting a regular job nothing really ever works out.

 

Then DO IT. Get your GED and be a dance teacher.

[MissCongeniality]

I don't think you have really tried, I think you just like the easy money and the thrills of your chosen field. Your husband would probably be supportive if you wanted to take some training and do something else. You don't work in that industry because you have to, you do it because you want to and you want to more than you want to be a good role model for your children.

 

 

Talking about walking out on your children isn't thinking of them either, it's just wallowing in self pity and looking for another easy way out. Abandoning your children would mess them up but you would rather do that than do the work you need to do to become a better parent and wife.

 

 

Since your husband has decided to accept what you do and still wants the marriage why is this an issue anyways? Why do suddenly want to dump your whole family when nobody in your family is even demanding that you change what you are doing? Have you ever been evaluated for personality disorders? It seems like you are creating drama where there isn't any and you also seem to have difficulty in getting outside of yourself and thinking of others. Sure you say you think of your kids and what is best for them but you do it in a very self centred self pitying way. "Oh I am a terrible mother and wife and there is nothing I can do about that other than just run away from my problems. My poor poor children will be better off without me because there is simply nothing I can do to improve myself or make things better. Oh woe is me!"

 

 

That's just feeling sorry for yourself rather than looking for solutions and doing the work.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been told I have some slight narcissistic traits. I also have haphephobia and dyslexia.

 

I feel I need to leave because I keep thinking about my childhood and how seeing my father and step mother and their addiction messed me up. I keep worrying if I fall off the wagon I could just screw my kids up even worse. My oldest daughter recently got picked on by some kids for what I do (apparently some kids according to my daughter saw a video of me online and started making fun of her) and she flipped out saying she wished that I wasn't around and my husband isnt okay with what I do but he tolerates it. He's made it clear he doesn't like it.

 

Sometimes I feel like my husband and daughter just dont want me around. They don't say it but that's what it feels like and I don't get a day off from my addiction it's always there. It doesn't matter if I get a new job or my GED none of that is goign to matter if I fall off the wagon I've seen addiction tear families apart and I've seen first hand how badly it can screw up children. I just don't want to put my family through that kind of pain.

[road]

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been told I have some slight narcissistic traits. I also have haphephobia and dyslexia.

 

I feel I need to leave because I keep thinking about my childhood and how seeing my father and step mother and their addiction messed me up. I keep worrying if I fall off the wagon I could just screw my kids up even worse. My oldest daughter recently got picked on by some kids for what I do (apparently some kids according to my daughter saw a video of me online and started making fun of her) and she flipped out saying she wished that I wasn't around and my husband isnt okay with what I do but he tolerates it. He's made it clear he doesn't like it.

 

Sometimes I feel like my husband and daughter just dont want me around. They don't say it but that's what it feels like and I don't get a day off from my addiction it's always there. It doesn't matter if I get a new job or my GED none of that is goign to matter if I fall off the wagon I've seen addiction tear families apart and I've seen first hand how badly it can screw up children. I just don't want to put my family through that kind of pain.

 

 

You need to hang tough to keep your family together for them.

 

 

As to falling off the wagon you need to remove those people that share you addictions from your life. This is why AA says drunks can not hang out in bars. Being surrounded is to much temptation. So they start drinking again.

 

 

Time for you to man up.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been told I have some slight narcissistic traits. I also have haphephobia and dyslexia.

 

I feel I need to leave because I keep thinking about my childhood and how seeing my father and step mother and their addiction messed me up. I keep worrying if I fall off the wagon I could just screw my kids up even worse. My oldest daughter recently got picked on by some kids for what I do (apparently some kids according to my daughter saw a video of me online and started making fun of her) and she flipped out saying she wished that I wasn't around and my husband isnt okay with what I do but he tolerates it. He's made it clear he doesn't like it.

 

Sometimes I feel like my husband and daughter just dont want me around. They don't say it but that's what it feels like and I don't get a day off from my addiction it's always there. It doesn't matter if I get a new job or my GED none of that is goign to matter if I fall off the wagon I've seen addiction tear families apart and I've seen first hand how badly it can screw up children. I just don't want to put my family through that kind of pain.

 

Don't run away from your family, your kids may take it the wrong way,

They'll be lost, because that connection to your mother is something that doesn't fade,

Your honor to your husband and to your family should and will always come first,

And if you truly like doing it, and you're good at it, it isn't the worst.

 

If you're stripping or domming, or if you're a hotwife, or a sex worker who likes ****ing around,

The first rule that MUST be followed is honesty in that union, otherwise you're living a lie around town.

The part that pisses me off is that if your children are old enough, they should be privy to the truth,

Otherwise they figure it out themselves, with you gone, and they are pissed off you lied about it to boot.

 

If your older daughter is being teased, you grab your family and band together,

Send ME their information, I'll be sure they know exactly which family is 'better'.

But you dishonor your husband with lying, especially if you're ****ing these men,

Because HE'S the one being laughed at BEHIND HIS BACK with no chances to defend.

 

This man loves you, he clearly does, otherwise he wouldn't still be around.

Be open and honest to HIM, honor THAT, **** what everyone else thinks in town.

For if some guy is paying you to dom him, your husband should be honored,

Because the guy who is married and paying you secretly, is the one whose wife is dishonored.

 

It's not a ****ing addiction, **** the idiot therapist who told you that,

It's a hobby, it's a lifestyle, and it requires you to have a strong back,

Should it be plastered around town out in the open for everyone to see?

No, but your family deserves to know the truth, and they can choose that peace.

 

Now, if your children are young, I can see why you'd hide that from them,

I can understand the ramifications, and how hurtful you'd think it'd be unto them.

As they get older, you must know, they'll already know about sex in due time,

Why not share your experiences and help them rather than lying to them over a dime.

[seamos]

MissCongeniality; I don't feel the way several posters seem to feel that your occupations are entirely bad simply for what they are, I think what matters is how you conduct yourself and the care and control you use in doing them. It's the way you make a living and I think only you can really know if you can take pride in what you do. (although it's certainly a hard road you've chosen)

 

Now, w/ that out of the way...

 

I'm glad you haven't continued to do this behind your husbands back but of course it's not exactly good for your relationship or respectful to him to continue when you know that it hurts him, but I know you realize that.

 

What you said about addiction and your fear of starting it again really hits home w/ me. I've had a problem w/ a stimulant for most of my adult life and it's nearly killed me before I finally realized the only chance I had to kick it was to move, far enough away to remove myself from the lifestyle and association w/ people who used. (which was nearly everybody I associated w/)

 

I did move and kind of started life over w/ nothing and although I haven't been entirely successful over the addiction I see it as the best decision I've made in many years because it just wouldn't have ever happened at all where I was at. Just something to consider, I think you understand what I mean.

 

Anyway, good luck and I wish you the best!

[usa1ah]

It has already started tearing the family apart. The video is, well, all around the school by now.

 

 

OP take a deep breath and start therapy, get some help. You won't be able to do this on your own. I read that you tried getting help in your thread. If it takes checking in somewhere for a period of time, do so because YOUR family is worth it and so are you. I have come from a pretty screwed up childhood myself, it is just easier for a guy getting through it in one piece. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Good luck.

[MissCongeniality]

Nobody has to worry I have no intention of leaving my family. My husband and I have talked things out he wants me to check myself into a rehab facility just to be safe.