Should l stay or should l go...my girlfriends web of lies.

[Palmeiras]

As I see it, your problem is that you've fallen in love with an image of who you think this woman is.

 

At the end of one of my relationships, I told my ex-to-be the following:

 

"Oh yeah, I'm in love with someone. She looks like you, in fact almost exactly like you. But she's not you."

 

It took her a second, but the light bulb finally came on. She wished me the best and drove off.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Palmeiras

[Liam1]

Thanks. The exact reason l've joined this forum. I'm totally torn. But, l'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. My personality type insists l get all the information, sit on it for a time and them make a call. I just don't feel like l have all the information. Or, am l looking for reasons not to call time on the relationship. I know deep down in my heart l won't ever be comfortable with what's happened.

 

Cohle:

 

The double standard thing is wrong. You are not married and she is not married and if she is dating and having a FWB situation than you should, too.

 

My take on this whole thing is going to be different from the others.

 

You say you have a great relationship. So why not get the double standard straightened out and just enjoy it.

 

You have been married before and you did not just fall off the cabbage truck. So having taken your big wheel around the block a few times, you know all relationships have issues. No way around that.

 

The fact is, regarding FWB, the world is changing. Millennials and some younger than 45 are open to affairs and FWBs.

 

The number of people having affairs has skyrocketed in the last ten years. Things rarely go backwards with societal liberalism.

 

It used to be in 1920s a woman was a slut if she showed her legs on the beach.

 

Now women wear thong bikinis.

 

it used to be that both a man or a woman were sluts if they had sex before marriage.

 

Now people routinely live together first and people are even having babies while not married. Oh my!

 

The world is changing. We can lament or we can adjust.

 

Personally, I think that all these things like FWB, and one parent households will be the wave of the future. The generation after the millennials will likely be even more open to FWBs, if married or in a long term relatioship,

 

Personally, I do not understand why so many men get their boxers in a bunch about a sexual attraction to another person, when no love is involved.

 

Real love should be able to withstand a sexual fling or a FWB.

 

There is more to a good relationship than just sex, so why should just sex ruin a relationship. It does not even make sense because the two statments nullify each other. We can not have it both ways.

 

Either sex is the be all and end all of a relationship, or a good relationship is not about sex. So sex outside the relationship should just be a blip as long as it is just sex.

 

Recently at a friends house affairs came up and my friends 18 year old daughter said that she intended to continue FWB arrangements even when married.

 

She is young but she already knows that monogamy does not work.

 

She lived in France for a year and she feels their attitude is better. ...that is have affairs, but keep them discreet, don't tell me about them unless I ask and they would prefer their spouse had an affair than divorce and destroy a solid long term loving companionable relationship.

 

Women that you resonate with are not easy to find. You already likely already know that. Women to just have sex with are a dime a dozen.

 

The question is can YOU handle the FWB situation?

 

If not better to exit now before you waste too much more time because like my friends daughter this gal sounds like a FWB forever sort of gal.

 

Nothing wrong with that, IMO. But only if you can handle it.

 

Just some stuff to chew on.

Edited June 23, 2016 by Liam1

[bachdude]

Well, it sounds like a tough situation. Sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

I read your post a couple of times. It's a bit confusing to keep track of all the details but it seems clear, based on your post, that she has lied not only to MA but to you.

 

She lied to you about having unprotected sex (she had unprotected sex two times since her failed marriage).

 

She admits to lying to MA.

 

She gave you the idea that the relationship with MA was purely platonic and she only dated him three times, etc, etc.

 

Some other parts are confusing like,

 

She talked about him a lot (a pretty good indicating she liked him, at least as a friend) but hen she told you she didn't really like him and she only wanted the sex.

 

She said she talked with him on the phone a lot but then she says they didn't contact each other except for sex.

 

 

Anyway, you have a decision to make. She shows a history of lying to someone she calls her friend and to you.

 

But not only this, she has lied to you all the while putting you on guard for any white lie you might say to her, which I can imagine must be infuriating.

 

So she shows a propensity for lying and a serious double standard on top of it.

 

Have you thought of taking some time off so you can think? Maybe a 2 or 3 weeks to let your head clear? And this would give her some time to think to.

 

P.S. I wouldn't push the whole prostitute thing, though you have a point. Just an opinion.

[lucy_in_disguise]

This is why you shouldn't interrogate your partner about their sexual past. If health is important to you, be sure yiu both get an std test, but besides that, I think the past is best left where it belongs. All this detail about how many times, what positions, what protection- I believe it is really none of your business and this info can only do harm.

 

Based on what you have shared, it does not sound like she cheated on you. She nay no have been monogamous for a short while before meeting you, but, news flash, in this day and age of tinder, thats pretty par for the course for a woman who has just gotten out of a bad relationship. If she had never established exclusivity with the people she was dating, I dont see the big deal.

 

The biggest issue to me is the apparent double standards, although I wonder if the OP is not exhaggerating that. She indicated honesty is important to her - pretty normal. Just because she did not proceed to offer up every detail of her sexual past does not mean she is being dishonest. Regarding prostitutes, yes, I think there is a difference between prostitution and fwb. Prostitution, by definition, involves pay. Casual sex is far more common and accepted. Because of the prevalence of casual sex, prostitution these days is even more marginalized than it was in the past, with mostly very desperate and/or very kinky guys resorting to using hookers. Meanwhile a huge portion of the population had engaged in casual sex, often during times of singleness, between serious monogakous relationships. Im not sure why this point strikes you as a double standard.

 

The fact is, most people, by the time they are in their 40s, have a past, including some aspects they are not proud of, and some aspects which are not intended to be disclosed to others. Next time, dont go looking for problems in someones private past.

 

In this situation, since you already know what you do, I think there are only two options. You can either determine that you trust her now- trust that she is faithful to you, that is- and drop the subject. Or, you can determine that this is something you are not able to get over. Pick one option and stick with it, but please dont continue cross-examining her about her sex life before she met you, and holding it over her head.

Edited June 24, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[Cohle]

This is why you shouldn't interrogate your partner about their sexual past. If health is important to you, be sure yiu both get an std test, but besides that, I think the past is best left where it belongs. All this detail about how many times, what positions, what protection- I believe it is really none of your business and this info can only do harm.

 

Based on what you have shared, it does not sound like she cheated on you. She nay no have been monogamous for a short while before meeting you, but, news flash, in this day and age of tinder, thats pretty par for the course for a woman who has just gotten out of a bad relationship. If she had never established exclusivity with the people she was dating, I dont see the big deal.

 

The biggest issue to me is the apparent double standards, although I wonder if the OP is not exhaggerating that. She indicated honesty is important to her - pretty normal. Just because she did not proceed to offer up every detail of her sexual past does not mean she is being dishonest. Regarding prostitutes, yes, I think there is a difference between prostitution and fwb. Prostitution, by definition, involves pay. Casual sex is far more common and accepted. Because of the prevalence of casual sex, prostitution these days is even more marginalized than it was in the past, with mostly very desperate and/or very kinky guys resorting to using hookers. Meanwhile a huge portion of the population had engaged in casual sex, often during times of singleness, between serious monogakous relationships. Im not sure why this point strikes you as a double standard.

 

The fact is, most people, by the time they are in their 40s, have a past, including some aspects they are not proud of, and some aspects which are not intended to be disclosed to others. Next time, dont go looking for problems in someones private past.

 

In this situation, since you already know what you do, I think there are only two options. You can either determine that you trust her now- trust that she is faithful to you, that is- and drop the subject. Or, you can determine that this is something you are not able to get over. Pick one option and stick with it, but please dont continue cross-examining her about her sex life before she met you, and holding it over her head.

Hi Lucy in disguise. I really appreciate your response and a lot of it resonates with me. The problem from the beginning of our relationship is that she offered (without me asking) much information about her sexual past and l was actually ok with it all. However, when she talked about MA, and l did ask some questions about him, she made it out as though they didn't work out almost as if he was gay, that' s how much she described the differences between them. That was the impression she gave off. That said, about 14 months later say tells me he was her FWB! She was still in contact with him for at least 3 months into our relationship and she admits she deliberately steered me off course!

 

Regarding the detail of her past, only after she told me about her true relationship with MA did l start asking some pointed questions. Infortunately, a lot of her responses either didn't add up or her timelines were off. So, this kind of situation usually leads to more questions and more information. All of which l'm truely wish l didn't know. However, l accept to some extent l've bought this on myself.

 

Honesty is important, and l haven't exaggerated this. She was very clear, so much so that l had to ask what her ex-husband had done to her as l felt like l was being punished and we'd only just met. She was very, very elaborate about her views on lying and how she would not tolerate the smallest lie. Just had no room for it at all.

 

Also, the unprotected sex lie, that is a real issue. I mean, l just wanted an honest answer when l asked her as she did sound as though she had got a lot of stuff out of her system post marriage - so straight up lying to my face about it is my business, unless of course your not one to care about your health...

 

Also, l wasn't seeking every detail of her sexual past, just should have told me who MA was to her, not hide it from me....hell, she spoke to him that much, if he was an ex bf, l think anyone in my position would have probed, but l didn't as l was completely thrown off the scent!

 

I guess my prostitute call was more about the fact she stated that she didn't really like MA, just used him for sex, as he did her. I immediately felt that call was out of my comfort zone. After all, isn't that the same without money changing hands?

 

Also, l too have a past l'm not proud of to some extent in this area, but l would only offer it up if asked. I certainly would never purposely mislead my new gf in this manner, she told me a lot about MA at the beginning, just not that one detail! It's just lying by omission....isn't it?

 

Finally, l totally agree with your final paragraph regarding the only real options l have. I have decided that l'll never raise this with her again, we have gone over this enough and l feel absolutely terrible for the hurt l've caused her during this time. She really is the most beautiful person and l think that enough is enough. It's now over to me to decide. As stated previously (and l was criticised for it), l'm seeking a little counselling to hopefully arrest my obvious insecurities. I don't feel bad for going down this path, if it can help me work out why this bothers me so much, it's gotta be worth trying...doesn't it? I mean, after all, l'm posting on here and reading everything l can to try and understand exactly what it is that is killing my relationship, my work productivity, my precious time with my kids! By the way, this is very new to me and totally unexpected. l've dated about 20 women, some seriously, including being married for 14 years previously, and l can honestly say this is the only relationship l've been in where l have felt even a hint of jealousy. I've just never felt it before, yet l've got it in spades it appears. So, l need to work out which option is best, l love her dearly, but know that l can never hurt her with this again and l have to get back to some form of normality.

 

I have some work to do.

 

Thanks Lucy, you really struck a cord

Edited June 24, 2016 by Cohle

[Redhead14]

I have been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We have both been married before and have children. Her marriage broke down due to her ex-husband*constantly lying to her about his*gambling, drinking, possibly cheating etc. She was very strong and clear to me in our first few dates that a lie is a lie. That there are no mitigating factors, that*if I were to lie to her about anything,*it would be all over. Also, that if she found out I had ever used or ever did use a prostitute it would be all over – no matter what.

*

We both agree this is the most loving, intense and beautiful relationship we’ve been in and constantly discuss marriage and all those wonderful things. I can say that I have never loved like this and from the moment we met I have been totally and completed besotted by her. I love her very deeply.

*

In the first few weeks*of our relationship, she talked about a male friend of hers quite often -*we’ll call him MA.*She told me that he was a person she had a brief one month relationship with about one year earlier. They had both agreed that they were not compatible on that level but remained in touch as they had become very good friends. She told me they talked over the phone often,*but were just good friends. When I pressed her,*she said that they only dated three times and that was all. She continued to be in constant contact with him for at least three months into our relationship and then she didn’t mention him again.

*

Recently, we were having a light-hearted*debate as to whether men and women could be ‘just friends’. I am pessimistic about this, yet she was adamant that men and women could be friends only.*She raised MA as her case in point. I challenged her on this. I asked how that friendship worked. Such as, was it only conducted over the phone, or*did you met up for coffee/chat, did*you have lunch, why did the friendship finish*etc. She told me that*they never meet up socially or in public,*rarely spoke on the phone, hadn't been introduced to extended friends or family,*and that they only met up at*each other’s homes to watch a movie or have dinner. I was*shocked, so I quizzed – did you ever have sex? She answered sheepishly - usually!

 

*

Obviously, I claimed victory in our debate and due to my state of absolute*shock and numbness, in keeping with my perfected poker face,*acted like nothing had been said and we carried on.

*

Since then,*I’ve sat down with her and gone over many questions that this revelation has raised. She confessed that about ten months prior to meeting me she and MA decided to be ‘Friends with Benefits’.*They set down some ground*rules and off they went. You don’t need the details of the rules, but over hours and hours of thrashing this out, it was*revealed*that they both broke all the rules over, and over again. Some of which,*much earlier in our relationship she promised me she hadn’t done i.e. hadn’t had unprotected sex since her marriage failed. Another rule was that if they met someone else then the arrangement would cease. Also, She*had a string of one night stands without telling MA during the FWBs arrangement. Further, she dated other men whilst continuing to have sex with MA at the same time, without telling these other guys.*It has to be said, most of these revelations weren't volunteered. It was only over hours of discussion, sometimes heated, that this stuff came out. Her story unravelled.

*

As it turns out,*she has lied to me about many things, with the worst being who MA actually was to her - what*the true nature of the relationship was.*Another extremely hard thing to accept is the moral superiority she grasped from the beginning regarding lying. She had put herself on a pedestal and put me on notice in no uncertain terms. Also, I may be a little off base with this one, but I consider the FWBs arrangement either equal too or worse than an man using a prostitute, mainly due to the complete lack of emotion*involved with a prostitute - it's a transaction only. Also, there is no real*prospect or*risk of reciprocated emotional involvement. However, like prostitution, the FWB arrangement*was a simply exchange of services. But,*unlike prostitution, they knew each, liked each other, were attracted to each other, were emotionally involved, we're friends first and lied to each other constantly*and broke each other's trust constantly. Much, like prostitutes they used each others services*in exchange. I*say this in this instance mainly due to the fact she admitted to having unprotected sex with MA, then*unprotected sex with another person she dated for 3 months prior to me whilst continuing to have sex with MA i.e. cheating? It goes without say, MA most likely did the same. Also, she says she really didn't like MA, rather they used each other for sex with little to no contact in-between. She also sent him sexy pics and gushing love texts thanking him for sex and praising him for his prowess in bed and telling him how great she thought he was. Is it just me, or does that sound like real affection?

*

Here’s the part that really hurts. She said that she*stopped having sex with MA about four months prior to meeting me as she had meet another man. She dated this new man for three months and it failed. However, Only a week*prior to meeting me she re-instigated the FWBs arrangement with MA by arranging to have*sex with him again. But, she promises me that that was the last time they had sex or that she even saw him. That, since she’s known me, she only ever spoke over the phone with him and that stopped three months into our relationship. However, that contradicts her previous claims that they only ever met up at each other's homes. Not only did she completely lie, hide the truth and deceive me about her relationship with MA, she still doesn't accept that she did this*purposely as she states she didn't have sex with him since she's been with me and that her past shouldn't concern me. She says it never crossed her mind to tell me the full story. She says she now accepts that she should have told me about him and their past, but also states that as she didn't cheat it really shouldn't matter or affect us going forward.

*

The foundation*of our relationship is built on a pack of lies. I don’t believe many elements*of her explanations and I don’t trust her. We have now talked this to death and all the tough questions I've*asked are met with either 'I can’t remember’, 'why does it matter', vacant stares, partial*truths, lies or a lack of willingness*to elaborate on anything. The whole process has been like pulling teeth. She only answers in simple terms. She provides very little detail - just the minimum.

 

Finally, she has told other lies regarding people in her past that have now come into our lives via our friendship circle.

*

I feel hurt, sad, angry and humiliated. My memories of those magical first few months we shared have been decimated. The depths of passion and love l felt for her has now been eroded. I still love her and desperately want to get back to where we were but l don't know how, or even if we should.

 

What to do?

 

Her marriage broke down due to her ex-husband* -- She is lying about his lying, cheating, etc. She's lying about this and many other things. She's had FWB and a string of one night stands . . . I doubt her lying started after the end of her marriage.

 

That there are no mitigating factors, that*if I were to lie to her about anything, -- End this and use her words against her.

[Liam1]

I guess my prostitute call was more about the fact she stated that she didn't really like MA, just used him for sex, as he did her. I immediately felt that call was out of my comfort zone. After all, isn't that the same without money changing hands?

 

No it is not the same thing. FWB is just that. Friends that do not want to have a serious long term relationship with each other because they do not love or resonate fully with each other. ...but they do enjoy having sex with each other.

 

A prostitute is purely about money. She is NOT your friend, and the sex is only proffered in exchange for money.

 

Unmarried woman today, in the 21st century, are allowed to have sex without being branded a whore, just as men are. Unless you prefer a double standard for women.

[Springsummer]

No it is not the same thing. FWB is just that. Friends that do not want to have a serious long term relationship with each other because they do not love or resonate fully with each other. ...but they do enjoy having sex with each other.

 

A prostitute is purely about money. She is NOT your friend, and the sex is only proffered in exchange for money.

 

Unmarried woman today, in the 21st century, are allowed to have sex without being branded a whore, just as men are. Unless you prefer a double standard for women.

 

Are they really friends???

[DKT3]

Hmm, I'm guessing that the sex with MA continued into your relationship , otherwise she would have no issues with being honest since she freely offered other parts of her sexual past.

 

She is scared, if the information is that important then you have to get her to a comfortable place one in which she doesn't feel judged or fears that it will end the relationship. I'm guessing that you really don't want to know, so let it go unless she is still contacting him.

[hippychick3]

I will give you my background with my FWB and current boyfriend as I see a few similarities between your gf and me.

 

Between my divorce and when I met my current boyfriend, I had a string of short-term relationships. All of them ended on good terms just due to incompatibility. I stayed friends with them and we texted often after it ended. One of those guys I continued to see as a FWB because the sex was pretty good and I enjoyed his company. I will add that I have never ever had a one night stand because I don't have sex with strangers. This guy was an established friend, and I trusted him. I had no emotional attachment to him other than a friendship. During that time, I casually dated others and saw nothing wrong with this since I wasn't exclusive or sleeping with any of them. Then I met my current boyfriend and immediately stopped seeing and sleeping with this guy. However I remained friends with him and continued to talk and text here and there. My boyfriend knew our history and was very jealous. Because he was jealous, I limited the frequency of my conversations with him. I didn't want to cut him off as he was a good friend to me. Gradually over time, the friendship faded as it should have... It would have affected my current relationship negatively if it continued.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and am completely loyal and in love with him. Although he knows my history, he doesn't know ALL of it. I don't believe he needs to as it has nothing to do with "us." My past is the past and I would never cheat on my bf regardless of what I've shared and not shared with him.

 

I think the most important thing is whether or not your gf had any inappropriate relationship with him after you started dating. If they only texted and talked occasionally, I wouldn't worry as long as they are not in touch anymore.

[Cohle]

I will give you my background with my FWB and current boyfriend as I see a few similarities between your gf and me.

 

Between my divorce and when I met my current boyfriend, I had a string of short-term relationships. All of them ended on good terms just due to incompatibility. I stayed friends with them and we texted often after it ended. One of those guys I continued to see as a FWB because the sex was pretty good and I enjoyed his company. I will add that I have never ever had a one night stand because I don't have sex with strangers. This guy was an established friend, and I trusted him. I had no emotional attachment to him other than a friendship. During that time, I casually dated others and saw nothing wrong with this since I wasn't exclusive or sleeping with any of them. Then I met my current boyfriend and immediately stopped seeing and sleeping with this guy. However I remained friends with him and continued to talk and text here and there. My boyfriend knew our history and was very jealous. Because he was jealous, I limited the frequency of my conversations with him. I didn't want to cut him off as he was a good friend to me. Gradually over time, the friendship faded as it should have... It would have affected my current relationship negatively if it continued.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and am completely loyal and in love with him. Although he knows my history, he doesn't know ALL of it. I don't believe he needs to as it has nothing to do with "us." My past is the past and I would never cheat on my bf regardless of what I've shared and not shared with him.

 

I think the most important thing is whether or not your gf had any inappropriate relationship with him after you started dating. If they only texted and talked occasionally, I wouldn't worry as long as they are not in touch anymore.

Hi, our experience is similar. However, it seems you told your bf that you had a FWB arrangement with your friend. My gf, on the other hand deliberately keep this detail from me and actually purposely mislead me. As such, when l did find out, some 12 or so months after their friendship ceased l was obviously insecure about why she kept in contact with him for that first 3 months into our relationship. After all, if l was to believe her fully, she had sex with him last only one week prior to meeting me.

 

So, l realise l come off as totally insecure, but initially l only had four questions for her:

 

1) If you didn't really like him, other than for the sex, what did you discuss in those three months into our relationship? Why did he suddenly become a friend you now had to have in your life?

2) How come the relationship went from a purely sexual one to only a phone contact one?

3) Did you truly never see him again once we were together?

4) How did it end i.e who ended it, if you, why? Did he attempt further contact? Has he ever propositioned you against?

 

Here are her replies in full (no kidding):

 

1) "l don't know, l can't remember"

2) "l don't know"

3) "we never saw each again"

4) "l can't remember" (seriously, who couldn't remember this? After all, they were in a FWB arrangement for 9 months and obviously liked each other...)

 

Please keep in mind, my gf generally has a fantastic detail for memory, even for events way further in her past....

 

I know how this sounds, but these questions and answers don't prove anything other than a willingness to continue to hide things (in my opinion).

 

It feels as though she was doing something with him in those first three months of our relationship and just can't admit it to me. She's just so vague about what the relationship was during that time - it really feels as though she's holdig out.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Cohle

[Poutrew]

 

So, l realise l come off as totally insecure, but initially l only had four questions for her:

 

1) If you didn't really like him, other than for the sex, what did you discuss in those three months into our relationship? Why did he suddenly become a friend you now had to have in your life?

2) How come the relationship went from a purely sexual one to only a phone contact one?

3) Did you truly never see him again once we were together?

4) How did it end i.e who ended it, if you, why? Did he attempt further contact? Has he ever propositioned you against?

 

 

These are closer to the real answers:

 

1>"I did like him. We talked about everything and then we banged... and he never stopped being a bang buddy."

 

2>"I didn't, unless you count the times we talked on the phone to arrange banging sessions..."

 

3>"I lie a lot, dont'cha know? Don't tell me you really believe all the bilge I've been pumping onto your poop deck!?! "

 

4>"Again with the bilge... we never ended it. Even today, although we hardly ever talk since you've come onto the scene, when we want to relive old times, or I get an itch you can't scratch, we find a way and a time."

 

And, number 5: "Just you remember hun, if you tell me even a single lie no matter how small, it is over between us! Over, I tell you! Harrumph!"

 

OP, you seriously need to stop letting her disrespect you and the best way to do that is to show her the door. No pretty vagina is worth this kind of trouble!

[hippychick3]

Hi, our experience is similar. However, it seems you told your bf that you had a FWB arrangement with your friend. My gf, on the other hand deliberately keep this detail from me and actually purposely mislead me. As such, when l did find out, some 12 or so months after their friendship ceased l was obviously insecure about why she kept in contact with him for that first 3 months into our relationship. After all, if l was to believe her fully, she had sex with him last only one week prior to meeting me.

 

So, l realise l come off as totally insecure, but initially l only had four questions for her:

 

1) If you didn't really like him, other than for the sex, what did you discuss in those three months into our relationship? Why did he suddenly become a friend you now had to have in your life?

2) How come the relationship went from a purely sexual one to only a phone contact one?

3) Did you truly never see him again once we were together?

4) How did it end i.e who ended it, if you, why? Did he attempt further contact? Has he ever propositioned you against?

 

Here are her replies in full (no kidding):

 

1) "l don't know, l can't remember"

2) "l don't know"

3) "we never saw each again"

4) "l can't remember" (seriously, who couldn't remember this? After all, they were in a FWB arrangement for 9 months and obviously liked each other...)

 

Please keep in mind, my gf generally has a fantastic detail for memory, even for events way further in her past....

 

I know how this sounds, but these questions and answers don't prove anything other than a willingness to continue to hide things (in my opinion).

 

It feels as though she was doing something with him in those first three months of our relationship and just can't admit it to me. She's just so vague about what the relationship was during that time - it really feels as though she's holdig out.

 

Given her answers, I wouldn't trust her at all. Your questions are valid, and she should be able to answer them easily if she had nothing to hide.

 

My bf knew I dated the guy but the FWB part was not something I disclosed in the beginning of our relationship. However, I could have easily given a thorough and honest answer to those questions. Her "answers" seem to indicate she has something to hide.

[Cohle]

Given her answers, I wouldn't trust her at all. Your questions are valid, and she should be able to answer them easily if she had nothing to hide.

 

My bf knew I dated the guy but the FWB part was not something I disclosed in the beginning of our relationship. However, I could have easily given a thorough and honest answer to those questions. Her "answers" seem to indicate she has something to hide.

Just a few things:

 

1) Have you told your bf about the FWB arrangement as it's very similar to my situation?

2) If you have, when i.e. how far into you relationship did you wait to tell him? How did he take it?

3) Did he ask questions, as you said he was jealous of him at first (and he didn't even know about the FWB thing)?

 

The thing that really gets me is, she can't remember one single detail of how the relationship ended other than it was definitely over the phone. I mean, it was only just over 12 months ago and l would have thought given the relationship they shared, it might be something she'd recall, not word for word of course, something of substance at least! The only reason l'm harping on it is because l just believe it could be the case.

 

I guess, l'm looking to see if my reactions are fair or am l being a jealous, insecure, childish, paranoid fool...

Edited June 25, 2016 by Cohle

[hippychick3]

Just a few things:

 

1) Have you told your bf about the FWB arrangement as it's very similar to my situation?

2) If you have, when i.e. how far into you relationship did you wait to tell him? How did he take it?

3) Did he ask questions, as you said he was jealous of him at first (and he didn't even know about the FWB thing)?

 

1) yes, later on I did tell him that we were FWB after we stopped dating.

2) maybe 3-6 mos into the relationship. He was jealous as he hates hearing about previous partners, but he wasn't mad at me at all. I hadn't lied about anything. The fact that we slept together after breaking up was not an issue between my bf and me at all since there was no overlap into our relationship.

3) not really. He preferred not to hear about it. It was in the past.

 

He knew that we texted each other when we first stated dating. He didn't like it but accepted it. Over time as our relationship grew, I talked to him less and less and now at this point in our relationship any extended convo would piss my bf off. So I don't talk to him at all. However, the guy texts me on my bday, Xmas, and Mother's Day to be nice. I don't offer that info to my bf but if asked I will tell him (I was asked a couple months ago when he came up for some reason, and I was forthcoming). He trusts me implicitly as he should. There have been no romantic or sexual feelings for him since I started dating my bf. Zero feelings. He isn't a threat in any way.

[hippychick3]

Just a few things:

 

1) Have you told your bf about the FWB arrangement as it's very similar to my situation?

2) If you have, when i.e. how far into you relationship did you wait to tell him? How did he take it?

3) Did he ask questions, as you said he was jealous of him at first (and he didn't even know about the FWB thing)?

 

The thing that really gets me is, she can't remember one single detail of how the relationship ended other than it was definitely over the phone. I mean, it was only just over 12 months ago and l would have thought given the relationship they shared, it might be something she'd recall, not word for word of course, something of substance at least! The only reason l'm harping on it is because l just believe it could be the case.

 

I guess, l'm looking to see if my reactions are fair or am l being a jealous, insecure, childish, paranoid fool...

 

I don't buy that she doesn't remember how the relationship ended. My memory sucks, but I remember the details of every single breakup I've ever had in my entire life.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This thread is pointless.

 

I predict that OP will stay while passively aggressively punishing the gf with bouts of anger, coldness and a lot of jealousy and controlling behaviour. She is going to grow increasingly stifled and unhappy until she finally ends it for good.

 

OP will then go on rants about casual sex, prostitution and all women being liars and cheaters while stalkerishly begging the now ex gf to come back.

 

Good times for everyone involved

[Cohle]

This thread is pointless.

 

I predict that OP will stay while passively aggressively punishing the gf with bouts of anger, coldness and a lot of jealousy and controlling behaviour. She is going to grow increasingly stifled and unhappy until she finally ends it for good.

 

OP will then go on rants about casual sex, prostitution and all women being liars and cheaters while stalkerishly begging the now ex gf to come back.

 

Good times for everyone involved

Jesus, have we dated?

[salparadise]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and am completely loyal and in love with him. Although he knows my history, he doesn't know ALL of it. I don't believe he needs to as it has nothing to do with "us." My past is the past and I would never cheat on my bf regardless of what I've shared and not shared with him.

 

As it should be. Good gosh, people have sex. It has been going on for awhile now.

 

I was married for 23 years. We dated a little, then there was a gap of a few years before we started dating again and eventually married. I never once asked her who she banged during that time (although I wondered), never asked her how many guys she had been with, never asked what specific sex acts she had done with others. It just wasn't relevant, and I would not have been better off knowing. I realized this intuitively even then, before gaining any broad perspective on life.

 

Please keep in mind, my gf generally has a fantastic detail for memory, even for events way further in her past....

 

I know how this sounds, but these questions and answers don't prove anything other than a willingness to continue to hide things (in my opinion).

 

It feels as though she was doing something with him in those first three months of our relationship and just can't admit it to me. She's just so vague about what the relationship was during that time - it really feels as though she's holdig out.

 

What amazes me is how you feel so certain that full disclosure of every detail is something that she owes you... and how insistent and judgmental you are, as if it makes all the difference in the world!

 

Life is messy. Not everything comes in a neat little package with a pretty ribbon. Ambiguity is something you have to learn to deal with or you will absolutely drive yourself crazy!

 

If there was a bit of overlap between her ending it with this other guy and starting to date you, would it really be a deal breaker? If your relationship is good now, and if you trust her and believe she is a person of integrity, said disclosures notwithstanding, for goodness sake let it go dude.

 

You're putting her in a squeeze. She knows you're insecure about this stuff and prone to overreacting. She doesn't want to lie so she's trying to maintain some ambiguity... because she knows you can't deal with anything even slightly amorphous.

 

If you can't accept that she's fundamentally a good person, that your relationship is a good one, that she is a loyal, faithful partner... then let her go and only date church ladies... only problem is, the church ladies might have history too.

 

You're really in a pickle aren't you?

 

I predict that OP will stay while passively aggressively punishing the gf with bouts of anger, coldness and a lot of jealousy and controlling behaviour. She is going to grow increasingly stifled and unhappy until she finally ends it for good.

 

Yup, he's going to drive her away before he realizes that his neural pathways need to be adjusted.

 

I am also amazed at how many people are telling him she's no a good, lying, cheating, wh0re. The moral elitism and black/white thinking on LS is perplexing. The real world doesn't work that way.

[Zenstudent]

No, the real world might not work that way - but here's an observation from my 50 years of ups and downs:

 

When someone at 30-35 years old and above, shows you their value system and moral compass, you better pay attention. In my experience, it won't change in 9 out of 10 cases.

 

Nothing wrong with that. If she prefers variety and have no problems with lies (her own), nothing wrong with that either, just know what you most likely sign up for long term.

 

Maybe the positives will outweigh the negatives, and the joy will outweigh the pain. Life usually comes with a bucket of both.

[Liam1]

 

The thing that really gets me is, she can't remember one single detail of how the relationship ended other than it was definitely over the phone. I mean, it was only just over 12 months ago and l would have thought given the relationship they shared, it might be something she'd recall, not word for word of course, something of substance at least! The only reason l'm harping on it is because l just believe it could be the case.

 

She does not remember the details because they were not important to her. Simple. She is telling the truth it was just a FWB.

 

I guess, l'm looking to see if my reactions are fair or am l being a jealous, insecure, childish, paranoid fool...

Yes. You two are not even married.

 

I also think the poster named Eternal Sunshine has a point.

 

If you are going to dwell on this forever and you can not accept her for who she is, then you might as well end it now rather detain and torture her with guilt trips and interrogations.

[Liam1]

This thread is pointless.

 

I predict that OP will stay while passively aggressively punishing the gf with bouts of anger, coldness and a lot of jealousy and controlling behaviour. She is going to grow increasingly stifled and unhappy until she finally ends it for good.

 

OP will then go on rants about casual sex, prostitution and all women being liars and cheaters

 

 

I agree.

 

I thought "slut shaming" women for enjoying sex was considered antiquated in the 21st century, but for some it is alive and well.

[barryglenn]

Dear Cohle,

 

I completely understand your situation. It's hard to merge two lives together when there is such pain in the past for both of you. I think there's still hope. It's obvious that you still love her and that she has feelings for you since the relationship has lasted this long. This past weekend I spent time with my son working on his old truck. It just wasn't running good. The deeper we got into the repairs, the more expensive it got, all the way to the point that my son thought that it might be easier to just trash the truck and look for a replacement. I explained to him that sometimes the cost of giving up is more than the cost of fixing things. I guess you're at that point right now. As my story goes on, we decide to continue with the repairs on the truck. Right as our finances were running out, we found the underlying problem, a $25 part, after already sinking over $1,000 into repairs. Truck Healed!

 

I know. You're wondering where this is going and why is this guy comparing a broken down truck with my relationship problems. Here's my point. You've enjoyed the ride in this relationship for 18 months until the relationship started driving rough. All the while, there are repairs to be made under the hood of that relationship. You chose to lift the hood and now the repairs seem too costly and the risks too great. What are you going to do?

 

I left out one major detail in my story. I consulted a mechanic on what needed to be fixed next. My suggestion is that you do the same. I think you need a good relationship mechanic at this point. I happen to know some good relationship mechanics. Let me know if you need some help finding one.

 

Best of Luck My Friend!