She says she feels like 'it's over' because i'm visiting a friend...

[fancy_pants]

Hi everyone,

 

 

As you can see, I'm new here, and I’d really appreciate some advice on a particular problem I’ve got at the moment. I've been racking my brain over this for the past couple of weeks as it seems to have caused me and my wife (of nearly 5 years) a lot of stress, and I want to see whether or not I am in the wrong. Sorry for the wall of text, but I want to explain things fully.

 

I should point out to begin with that our marriage is not the happiest. We don’t discuss critical things, probably to avoid controversy and make things worse (a poor approach, I know). Our sex life is abysmal. We no longer have anything meaningful to talk about. Our dispute resolution is appalling, to the point that we hardly ever argue like ‘normal’ couples do, but instead bitch at each other constantly and then give one another the silent treatment for hours at a time, usually over the most trivial of things. We have become less and less happy over the last few years in general, deteriorating a lot last year with my wife in particular being very unhappy in the country I had brought her to due to my work. At the end of last year, in an effort to make things better we decided to move to her home country, with me keeping my job and commuting long-distance every week. While she is happier there, I would say our relationship has worsened even further with the added distance. We just finished a two-week holiday with the kids in the hope that it might help, but things were horribly awkward between us.

 

Anyway, I’ve been commuting like this ever since, flying home late on Thursday, working from home on Friday, and returning late on Sunday in time for work the next day. Four weeks ago I made a friend on the Thursday flight home to my wife (and our two young kids). This friend happens to be a woman. She is a few years older than me (I'm 27, she is in her mid-30s), but we really connected (she is terrified of flying and wanted someone to talk to during the flight). We spoke for the whole 2.5 hours, and have been in touch since then on social media regularly, becoming good friends. Since my wife had planned a trip abroad to attend a two-week summer school (where she is at the moment), and because I thought a break from the back and forth commuting slog wouldn’t be a bad idea, I considered planning a long weekend (8th - 10th July) to visit this new friend. She lives on the other side of the country, a pretty region I have never been to and always wanted to visit, and said she would show me around.

 

When I discussed this idea with my wife about a week later, shortly before we went on our holiday, she said she was 'indifferent'. I would like to point out, at this point, that my wife has a much better social life than me (don’t get me wrong, this may sound bitter, but I do not hold this against her and I don’t believe I have ever given her that impression). She sees her friends often, whereas my friends are scattered all over Europe and I see them very irregularly, sometimes as infrequently as every few years. My point is that I do not have that many opportunities to make new friends, so this has been quite nice for me. Anyway, I thought that was a strange response from her, but took it as an approval and proceeded to book my (single) hotel room and travel.

 

Everything seemed fine until a couple of days later, when my wife suddenly became very moody and uncommunicative. Several days later, during a rare row that resulted largely from me repeatedly trying to get some sort of answer from her as to why she was so moody, she announced that she felt our relationship was 'over' because of the plan I had discussed with her and that she would never be able to see me the same way! She said it was strange that for a week I had not mentioned this new friend, that I had only spoken to her for 'half an hour', that she didn't know much about her, and then sarcastically suggested that I should marry her. She also commented that I was sacrificing time I should be spending with her and the kids, and said she felt hurt. I was shocked, upset and - rightly or wrongly - annoyed by her reply.

 

I tried to explain my reasoning to her, namely that I had not gone behind her back as I had discussed it in advance with her and that I saw no difference between this and a trip of hers last year to visit a (male) friend she met a few weeks before during a winter school she had attended. In my anger, I confess that I 'retaliated' and implied that she was attracted to this friend, to which she said bluntly that she ‘likes him a lot’ and that, in any case, this was not comparable as she had only seen him for a few hours and hadn’t been sure in the first place if he would be available to meet her.

 

I have said repeatedly that if my wife wants me to fly back to her instead of taking this long weekend away, I will do it, even though I know I would feel like I’ve missed out and - on some level – feel resentful that I have let her control me. Despite our problems, and despite the fact that we are unhappy, I still love her and don’t want to hurt her, but at the same time I just feel like her response has been disproportionate. I keep wondering why she should be able to exercise her right freely to make and visit friends, while trying to restrict my right to do the same. I also feel she is being hypocritical and mean by suggesting I am sacrificing our time together, when she has voluntarily gone abroad for two weeks to her optional summer school.

 

Each time I try to discuss it with her, she says that it is my decision and my life and that I should decide, which annoys me even more as it feels like she is setting some kind of test for me, and it concerns me that my decision will affect things to come. I’ve been dithering around trying to make that decision, and I don’t know what to do. I keep wondering if she has been looking for an excuse to express her feelings, and that I have finally given one to her. I’m really struggling over her declaration that she feels our marriage is over because of something that feels so trivial…is that really all it takes for her to feel like all is lost, or is it just a reflection of bigger issues?

 

What do you think? Please don’t hold back…if I’m being an unreasonable moron and just can’t see it, I want to know!

Edited June 22, 2016 by fancy_pants

[TrustedthenBusted]

If your wife met a guy on a flight, and was now flying across the globe to spend a long weekend with him, how would you feel?

 

You're involved in an emotional affair, and the more time you spend with this amazing new woman, the worse your wife is going to appear.

 

Come on man, you know this is screwed up.

[seamos]

Please don’t hold back…if I’m being an unreasonable moron and just can’t see it, I want to know!

 

Sorry but you're being an unreasonable moron.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you communicate very well but other than that it's all on you.

 

Of course your wife is doesn't want you hanging out w/ your new female friend... your marriage already has problems and that isn't going to help it at all.

 

I understand that you want friends and I understand that perhaps your intentions are "honorable" but can't you see how this looks to her?

 

If those 5 years you've been together mean anything to you then you need to work at fixing things at home, not making a wider divide between you and your wife.

 

If she seemed indifferent at first maybe she couldn't believe what you were suggesting and just didn't feel like fighting about it at the time. You said you were surprised at her response, so what did you expect it to be? I think you already knew how she would feel about it didn't you?

 

Sorry but I don't think your new friendship is a good idea.

[mikeylo]

You told your wife about having an affair , under the disguise of ' friends'. Reap what you sow. Hell awaits you and no on but you to blame.

[elaine567]

A young married man with kids, tells his wife he wants to spend a week-end with another young woman he just met and who he really "connected with".

 

What world does he live in?

 

His wife is probably right the marriage is "over".

[fancy_pants]

Hi guys. Thanks for the honest comments, much appreciated and i see that I've probably gone about this the wrong way!

 

Can't help but wonder though, is it unrealistic for a married guy in my position to have a female friend or expect to keep one without making things worse at home? My wife has many male friends she meets from time to time.

 

by the way, this person i met stated emphatically that she does not date married men and that we are just and will only be friends (not that i EVER suggested i was interested in anything else).

 

Would it be crazy for me to suggest to my wife that she talks to this new person? Maybe it would seem less mysterious?

I really think that getting some leeway to improve my social life would reduce one of the factors that makes me feel some resentment towards my wife - she has never been thrilled about me spending time with my friends in general, the majority of whom are men. At the same time she has always maintained a vibrant social life. I do think that on some level she has a bit of a control issue...

[central]

It sounds like your marriage is toast (pretty much over anyway), your wife has male friends but has a double standard about you having any, so what the hell - be happy, take your trip, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

Or, insist on some real changes, tell her to ditch her male friends, do some difficult and heartfelt communication even if it hurts, and fix things. If you can't fix them, then it's IS time to move on.

[elaine567]

by the way, this person i met stated emphatically that she does not date married men and that we are just and will only be friends (not that i EVER suggested i was interested in anything else).

 

WE have all heard that before... and suddenly we were leaping into bed, we just couldn't help ourselves...

 

If you really want friends then do not pick up strange women on flights, it is just asking for trouble.

[seamos]

Can't help but wonder though, is it unrealistic for a married guy in my position to have a female friend or expect to keep one without making things worse at home? My wife has many male friends she meets from time to time.

 

In a healthy relationship, it's my opinion, that partners should be able to have friends of either sex. That is if it's all above board and everyone is being honest and adult. But when there's trouble at home which is the way your relationship sounds, then no, probably not a good idea.

 

If your description of things is true, then I can see that your wife may not be acting entirely fair about things, but that is what you need to be fixing, along w/ communication problems. If the male friends that she has truly concern you in how they affect your relationship w/ your wife, then she needs to take your concerns to heart also and work to fix the problem. It goes both ways.

 

It sounds like you both need to focus inward on healing your relationship or plan on it ending in the foreseeable future.

[Poutrew]

You are in trouble, my friend. Let me tell you what is going to happen in your near future. First, you will skip the trip to meet with your new pal. Your wife will stop complaining about her, but things will not improve. Then will come the time when she wants to meet up with her male friend, whom 'she likes a 'lot'. You will ask her to not go to see him. She will get all bitchy and complain that you are trying to control her. You will remind her of how she was so upset when you wanted to meet with your airplane friend, and she will say that it isn't the same thing. You will fight. She will go see her friend. All the while, the resentment will be building up and festering. You will retaliate by purposely finding a new female friend to hang out with and that will start the argument all over again. This time, you will go and see her. All hell will break loose when you get back. Eventually you will have an affair with another woman who will wind up being wife #2 when you get rid of the current one. Your wife is the squeaky wheel in this relationship, and unfortunately, you do not have enough grease to quiet her down because she doesn't want to change...

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

by the way, this person i met stated emphatically that she does not date married men and that we are just and will only be friends (not that i EVER suggested i was interested in anything else).

 

 

The problem isn't that this woman isn't attracted to you that way. The problem is that YOU are attracted to HER that way. Admit it.

 

Moreover, as stated above, your marriage is in shambles. Take it from a crowd who knows what shambles looks like.

 

What you need to find out is if you want to restore this marriage or not. Then you need to find out if your wife does.

 

If one if you isn't sure, it's already game over. No shame in that.

 

Marriage is difficult and stupid.

[DKT3]

Your wife appears to be controlling and honestly a brat. HOWEVER, this trip isn't wise on many levels. You are not in a good place emotionally, having a female ear and compassion is a horrible idea and can quickly get out of control.

 

This is besides the issues you have with your wife who seems to have no problem partaking in things she has a good issue with you doing. I mean she, according to you has done this very same thing. So honestly I find her reaction slightly off but not unexpected.

 

I'm afraid to say but your marriage is road kill, it appears that you both have turned your attention outwards only a matter of time before.......

[elaine567]

BIG difference between the wife meeting a friend for a few hours and the OP arranging to spend the week-end with his lady friend...

[DKT3]

BIG difference between the wife meeting a friend for a few hours and the OP arranging to spend the week-end with his lady friend...

 

Not when she makes comments like "I really like him alot" only takes minutes to be unfaithful.

[DKT3]

I'm not saying his wife is cheating but she is showing signs of it. She is willing to sacrifice family time for her social life but balks at the slightest hint of him doing it, he is home on the weekend but its common for her to take off and spent the weekends with her friends. She is anger that he does and jumps right to the marriage is over. Also I feel like she is gaslighting him about her male friend.

 

None of this makes it ok for him to venture off with this woman which I think is a very poor decision given his emotional state and the state of the marriage

[TrustedthenBusted]

BIG difference between the wife meeting a friend for a few hours and the OP arranging to spend the week-end with his lady friend...

 

No difference at all. Trust me, a lot can happen at a "Yoga Class"

[BettyDraper]

Your marriage is already in trouble and spending the weekend with a female "friend" whom you just met will only worsen the situation.

[Try]

BIG difference between the wife meeting a friend for a few hours and the OP arranging to spend the week-end with his lady friend...

The OP stated that "I saw no difference between this and a trip of hers last year to visit a (male) friend she met a few weeks before during a winter school she had attended." The OP's wife may say that she only spent a few hours with her male friend while on this trip, but considering that she made the trip "to visit" this male friend, I think it unlikely that he spent as little time with her as she now claims; even if he did, it only shows that in going on this trip she was chasing him. I think that the real reason for her anger is because she knows why she went on her trip to visit her opposite sex friend and is assuming that is why he wants to go to visit his opposite sex friend. Edited June 23, 2016 by Try

[TrustedthenBusted]

The OP stated that "I saw no difference between this and a trip of hers last year to visit a (male) friend she met a few weeks before during a winter school she had attended." The OP's wife may say that she only spent a few hours with her male friend while on this trip, but considering that she made the trip "to visit" this male friend, I think it unlikely that he spent as little time with her as she now claims; even if he did, it only shows that in going on this trip she was chasing him. I think that the real reason for her anger is because she knows why she went on her trip to visit her opposite sex friend and is assuming that is why he wants to go to visit his opposite sex friend.

 

 

Yep. Because NOTHING tastes worse than a dose of your own medicine.

[standtall]

Wow dude. I can't believe you don't see the problem with this situation. Yes, It is inappropriate as a married van to go visit another woman and spend the weekend that is not your aunt. mother, daughter, grandmother...you get the point.

[Daisymae2016]

My friend, you are traveling on a slippery slope. For many, many reasons you and your wife need marriage counseling. There seems to be a laundry list is issues on both sides which need to be sorted out. And the fact that you met this woman is the trigger of all discord now. Don't look for folks on this board to tell you what to do. You need to look inside your heart for answers. Best of luck!

[ShatteredLady]

If I met someone who I really liked of course I would want to spend more time with them. I would want my husband to meet this new 'friend'. Husbands & wives don't have opposite sex friends that they don't introduce to their partner.

 

I think you know exactly how you feel about this 'friend'. You have already said that you are highly conflict avoidant to the degree that it's destroying your marriage. That's exactly the kind of perso who accidently falls into affairs.

 

Be very, very careful. Work on your marriage!! There will always be times when marriage isn't easy. That's life. You either talk about your problems & try to resolve them or you get married & divorced every few years.

[sandylee1]

You're being unreasonable.

 

You need to deal with the problems in your marriage and not arrange to see female friends for a weekend.

 

The number of women who say they won't date married men ... until they do ... and they become the other woman...... after talking as friends and getting the good old soulmate connection. It's not a good move.

 

Get some male friends by taking up a sport or engaging with your colleagues socially or doing a new hobby.

[Winterina]

I made a very good friend of the opposite sex on the flight, with whom I have been in touch for years. Just a friend. So i do believe that you guys just clicked and that it was not sexual or romantic. I am one of those who always had friends of the opposite sex without anything weird happening.

Having said that, you have to be careful to introduce this new friend to your partner. She will otherwise feel excluded and threatened, like she does now.

[kalika]

Chiming in ... I agree, this is a horrible idea even if your marriage were in perfect shape. You are practically asking for an affair. If I were your wife, I would not in any way be okay with this. And whether she has a "control issue" or not is irrelevant. What you're doing is completely disrespecting your marriage.