Just messed up. I may have cheated and then girlfriend did cheat on me

[south225]

I am a wreck at the moment and am in need of some advice.

 

I dated a girl for 2.5 years. We lived together. We had plenty of issues; financial, dependency and emotional manipulation and the like. She also had had oral with another girl a few months after we started dating that I forgave her for. However, I periodically used Tinder merely as an ego boost during our relationship when I was going through a rough patch. I never dated anyone or even touched anyone off of the app. She found out I was on there back in April and flipped out, and probably rightfully so. We ended up staying together for a few weeks. I always justified it because she'd stay in contact with all her ex boyfriends and flings and message then daily.

 

Then my family had a major issue and I ended up moving out to deal with it. We spoke about staying together but taking a break to work on ourselves given all that had happened. We never cut contact, spoke daily, saw each other every weekend for dates or movies, and I continued to help her with her apartment and daily chores. We never spoke about if we'd see other people, but at one point she thought I was talking to other girls and flipped out on me, so I took it as meaning she didn't want me to see anyone else. I had not spoken to any girls in a while.

 

Fast forward to Monday, I noticed within the last week she had become distant and confronted her about it. I knew that she had gotten back into cocaine once I left, because I told her not to do it when we dated, and she dropped the bomb on me that she was having a rebound fling with someone she does drugs with. She said they were together 3-4 nights a week, but claimed it was totally independent of our relationship and I didn't understand how hook up buddies work. She'd get very defensive when I said she was dating again and replaced me, and then cried and said I had no idea what she was going through.

 

I was crushed. I had gone through all the steps I needed to do to make things right - I admitted my faults to her, her family, my friends, and my family. I felt like **** and woke up daily trying to do things to make things better - leaving her flowers, doing things for her, and then I find out she's sleeping with someone the majority of the week. What's even weirder is that I had a key to her place still, and she only wanted it back if I was going to sever contact.

 

She claimed she didn't see him as boyfriend material, but he was "nice" to her. And she needed to find herself. I asked her why she didn't tell me she was no longer interested in a future with me, and she said I had no idea what she was interested in in the future, and we could revisit things. SHe just needed to make herself happy and do things for herself and not worry about others.

 

I told her I was going to block her from social media and her phone number. She got upset about blocking her number.

 

Am I handling things right? I know what I did was wrong, but I think there's a huge difference between swiping on Tinder and sleeping with someone. I don't know if I should hold onto the hope that we reunite or just cut off all contact and move on. She basically led me on for attention for almost 1.5 months that I could've been healing and dropped me the moment she found someone else.

[bummer]

Uhh. What kind of life do you wish to live? I think when you answer that honestly to yourself you can answer your own questions.

[Nowty V]

In my experience, people who do Cocaine are very deceitful. You know they are lying because their lips move. There is a good chance she did not stop doing it while you were together, she just concealed it from you.

 

I would suggest this relationship was not what you thought it was, she would have been streets ahead of you.

 

Do yourself a *BiG* favour, run as fast as you can, go complete NC and don't look back.

 

You don't need anything she could give you in your life. Do whatever you need to do but stay well away from her, or your sanity will be in jeopardy.

[south225]

Uhh. What kind of life do you wish to live? I think when you answer that honestly to yourself you can answer your own questions.

 

Well, I wanted a life with her but this entire process has changed things, especially since she's moved on so fast after telling me she wanted to work on things.

 

I guess I was just in a rough patch at one point so used tinder as a game to play like hot or not, as bad as it sounds. We seemed to be making a lot of progress and she was wanting me to move back in, but then she met this guy at one of her Coke parties (she started using 2-3 nights a week after I moved out) and just decided we needed more time apart to see others.

[south225]

In my experience, people who do Cocaine are very deceitful. You know they are lying because their lips move. There is a good chance she did not stop doing it while you were together, she just concealed it from you.

 

I would suggest this relationship was not what you thought it was, she would have been streets ahead of you.

 

Do yourself a *BiG* favour, run as fast as you can, go complete NC and don't look back.

 

You don't need anything she could give you in your life. Do whatever you need to do but stay well away from her, or your sanity will be in jeopardy.

 

No, she's also a codependent. If she was doing coke while we lived together I would have known. She was with me every night.

 

It's possible in the early days she did. I remember she admitted to me she did a few months in and I almost left her, but she swore never to touch it again so we stayed together.

 

She's definitely lying about the new guy though. Her claim she just needed a fling and I didn't understand how to works is crazy. She clearly replaced the void I left with him even if she swears it isn't dating.

 

Part of me feels like I deserve this because I did swipe over pictures but he other part of me thinks it's not as big of a deal as she made. I never slept with or dated or made plans to date anyone.

[Space Ritual]

Move on.

 

Your relationship is over.

[Nowty V]

No, she's also a codependent. If she was doing coke while we lived together I would have known. She was with me every night.

 

Wake up and smell the coffee, you may be being a bit naive.

 

how long had she been using? in her whole life...

 

To avoid the stuffy nose and nose bleeds they can apply it in their anus.

 

You appear far too wet behind the ears to go anywhere near a female cocaine user.

 

You may have had great sex, but you have to face the fact that she could have great sex with any guy who will share his bag with her, and she won't give a backward thought to her SO.

 

Coke can make females [and males I guess if they can get it up] extremely loose, no inhibitions, no holds barred.

 

You never meant as much to her as cocaine does.

Edited June 22, 2016 by Nowty V
typo

[south225]

Wake up and smell the coffee, you may be being a bit naive.

 

how long had she been using? in her whole life...

 

To avoid the stuffy nose and nose bleeds they can apply it in their anus.

 

You appear far too wet behind the ears to go anywhere near a female cocaine user.

 

You may have had great sex, but you have to face the fact that she could have great sex with any guy who will share his bag with her, and she won't give a backward thought to her SO.

 

Coke can make females [and males I guess if they can get it up] extremely loose, no inhibitions, no holds barred.

 

You never meant as much to her as cocaine does.

 

I've never used it before. She claimed she wasn't an addict and could cut off her use whenever she wanted and said she'd do it for me. She's used since college or high school I believe. She tends to be drawn and seeks addicts. Said all her friends growing up went to rehab at some point and she almost did in college for alcohol. I do not think she ever used while I was with her unless she hit it well. She basically never left my side

 

She made me being on tinder swiping out to be tatamount to sleeping with someone and never would forgive me and claimed she's just so emotionally torn now, which maybe she is. She did cry when we met to talk but who knows.

 

I'm sure she's happy to have a guy who will do drugs with her. She needs to grow up.

Edited June 22, 2016 by south225

[bummer]

She made me being on tinder swiping out to be tatamount to sleeping with someone and never would forgive me and claimed she's just so emotionally torn now, which maybe she is. She did cry when we met to talk but who knows.

 

I'm sure she's happy to have a guy who will do drugs with her. She needs to grow up.

 

Emotional cheating is equal to physical cheating for many people. Perhaps you'll honor this boundary with future relationships.

 

Honestly I would be hesitant despite strong loving feelings to return to someone like your ex for the drug abuse, new guy, drama, etc. Your head sounds firmly screwed on so I think you can do better than her. Don't feel guilty either, she needs to learn her own coping mechanism in her own time. Don't let a desire to fix or save her from her new hobbies allow yourself to get dragged into her mess. Good luck.

[seamos]

Unless you were standing beside her every time she took a sh#@ then I imagine she was doing cocaine while you were together too.

 

One other thing, the coke doesn't make anyone do anything.

 

It's just another bad choice in a whole string of bad choices people may make when they have allowed themselves to get to that point of carelessness in their life.

 

But none of that matters because thankfully you are not there, and a person who uses and one who doesn't will never have a healthy relationship, no way, no how.

 

Like everyone else has been saying, walk away and don't look back.

 

I don't have quite as negative view of the drug world as most others do but I will say that you are a lot better off to stay far enough away for it to never become a part of your life.

 

Trying to be the knight in shining armour that saves her from herself will only cause trouble for you that you don't deserve.

 

Good luck.

[elaine567]

YOU showed her you were not serious about the relationship when you spent you time on Tinder, she backed off and found someone else.

It happens.

The drug issue complicates things and she doesn't seem to be in a good place.

 

"Taking a break" is never something you should do with someone you do not want to lose. People who want to fix relationships stay in relationships, a break causes distance and as you have found, often introduces other people into a relationship. Once other people become involved, then the cause of the original break often then fades into insignificance.

[basil67]

Sounds like you had a rotten relationship with all the previous issues of manipulation, dependency etc and then to top off all the problems, you moved out. AND called a break.

 

The Tinder thing pales in comparison to you moving out. In a good relationship, we need to be able to deal with our problems together. How can you practice new and better ways to be if you're not together?

 

Once someone moves out, it's all over red rover. We all have outside issues which need to be dealt with from time to time, but if being present in the relationship prevents you from dealing with those issues then it's not much of a relationship.

[south225]

Sounds like you had a rotten relationship with all the previous issues of manipulation, dependency etc and then to top off all the problems, you moved out. AND called a break.

 

The Tinder thing pales in comparison to you moving out. In a good relationship, we need to be able to deal with our problems together. How can you practice new and better ways to be if you're not together?

 

Once someone moves out, it's all over red rover. We all have outside issues which need to be dealt with from time to time, but if being present in the relationship prevents you from dealing with those issues then it's not much of a relationship.

 

To clarify, I did NOT call for the break. She did when I moved out. She said if I wasn't going to continue living with her she wanted to take a break.

 

See, this is my issue. I always feared that she was a co dependent and just needed a "boyfriend" and it didn't matter who it was. She just needed a guy around to sleep with and do this for her and with her.

 

Instead of allowing me to handle all the **** in my life and be supportive, she found someone else to take my place within weeks. I understand some people cope with emotional cheating differently but when she claims to love me yet finds someone else who's literally living with her 4 nights a week after knowing her for 1 week, it's pretty telling and confirms my feelings about how much she actually cared for me.

[DKT3]

YOU showed her you were not serious about the relationship when you spent you time on Tinder, she backed off and found someone else.

It happens.

The drug issue complicates things and she doesn't seem to be in a good place.

 

"Taking a break" is never something you should do with someone you do not want to lose. People who want to fix relationships stay in relationships, a break causes distance and as you have found, often introduces other people into a relationship. Once other people become involved, then the cause of the original break often then fades into insignificance.

 

So her contacting exes and other guys daily showed she was serious?

 

This thing sounds like pure chaos and highly dysfunctional. And now she is doing coke on top of it...time to kick rocks OP.

[elaine567]

it's pretty telling and confirms my feelings about how much she actually cared for me.

 

You were trawling Tinder and then you moved out, what sort of signal did that send her?

[south225]

You were trawling Tinder and then you moved out, what sort of signal did that send her?

 

I never said I was blameless in this whole situation. Not by a long shot. But we both had issues. She cheated on my physically before while we were dating and did keep in contact with a few of her exes almost daily.

 

I never saw swiping on tinder to be nearly as bad as sleeping with someone else. I know she saw it as the same thing. I never tried to meet anyone or do anything with anyone. I knew it was wrong.

 

I came clean to her about everything and did all I could to make amends with her family, friends, my friend and everything only for her to just find someone else and basically have them move in.

 

As for moving out, it was really unclear who's decision that was. I left for a week to decide what I wanted and she went on a Coke binge that weekend without me. When I met with her the end of the week, she was just angry and said we needed to have some time apart and work on fixing our problems. Nothing was said about seeing other people and she sent mixed signals about it. If I had seen someone first, she'd certainly have flipped out. It just happens she found someone and decided to make up the rules as she went about how our break would work.

 

Maybe I just don't understand hookup buddies. I know she's always seemed to have someone and separates them from dating someone. Not sure if she just doesn't see them as boyfriend material or what.

[elaine567]

I never said I was blameless in this whole situation. Not by a long shot. But we both had issues. She cheated on my physically before while we were dating and did keep in contact with a few of her exes almost daily.

 

I never saw swiping on tinder to be nearly as bad as sleeping with someone else. I know she saw it as the same thing. I never tried to meet anyone or do anything with anyone. I knew it was wrong.

 

I came clean to her about everything and did all I could to make amends with her family, friends, my friend and everything only for her to just find someone else and basically have them move in.

 

As for moving out, it was really unclear who's decision that was. I left for a week to decide what I wanted and she went on a Coke binge that weekend without me. When I met with her the end of the week, she was just angry and said we needed to have some time apart and work on fixing our problems. Nothing was said about seeing other people and she sent mixed signals about it. If I had seen someone first, she'd certainly have flipped out. It just happens she found someone and decided to make up the rules as she went about how our break would work.

 

Maybe I just don't understand hookup buddies. I know she's always seemed to have someone and separates them from dating someone. Not sure if she just doesn't see them as boyfriend material or what.

 

YOU seem to think that your Tinder exploit is something she just needed to get over as you were sorry.

It doesn't work like that. Trawling Tinder looking for other women whilst you are in LTR is cheating to most and cheating is a huge deal and not something people tend to just get over easily...

You then proceeded to move out, which merely underlined her opinion that YOU were not on board.

 

YOU can go on and on and on apportioning blame or accepting blame forever and ever, but the fact it doesn't sound like a great relationship, you were hunting for another, moved out and she has now transferred her attention to someone else.

Leave it alone. This relationship was not meant to be.

Grieve, heal and move on.

[DKT3]

Elaine is right about what she said about you, as far as the ex I disagree, she didn't see tinder as cheating, I mean come on if she doesn't think banging a guy she doesn't deem as worth having a relationship with not cheating then how is looking at pictures on your phone cheating.

 

Man I'm glad I found my wife in the 90's this stuff today.....wow

[south225]

YOU seem to think that your Tinder exploit is something she just needed to get over as you were sorry.

It doesn't work like that. Trawling Tinder looking for other women whilst you are in LTR is cheating to most and cheating is a huge deal and not something people tend to just get over easily...

You then proceeded to move out, which merely underlined her opinion that YOU were not on board.

 

YOU can go on and on and on apportioning blame or accepting blame forever and ever, but the fact it doesn't sound like a great relationship, you were hunting for another, moved out and she has now transferred her attention to someone else.

Leave it alone. This relationship was not meant to be.

Grieve, heal and move on.

 

I never expected her to be over it now. She said she wasn't and was struggling with what to do and wanted to get herself in a happy place and then see where we were in the future. That's why she was upset when I told her I was cutting contact because it seemed like she expected to just keep talking during all of this. But I felt it best to sever contact. Am I wrong?

 

I never pressured her to get over it. I just was taken back that she's already basically living with another guy. But, people cope different I guess.

[usa1ah]

You were trawling Tinder and then you moved out, what sort of signal did that send her?

 

And she was texting her ex's daily. What sort of signal did that show him?

[ExpatInItaly]

You both made big mistakes that forever damaged your relationship.

 

Time to cut ties for good, and move on.

[south225]

And she was texting her ex's daily. What sort of signal did that show him?

 

She would claim she was just helping them with relationship advice and they were seeing how she was, and they all knew about me. Who really knows though.

 

She certainly isn't blameless like she's trying to act in all of this, and we needed time apart to figure things out. The only part that hurts is she's with someone else a lot now. It's basically that I was replaced that fast with just another body after she told me she wanted to get back together just a week or so earlier.

[usa1ah]

I never expected her to be over it now. She said she wasn't and was struggling with what to do and wanted to get herself in a happy place and then see where we were in the future. That's why she was upset when I told her I was cutting contact because it seemed like she expected to just keep talking during all of this. But I felt it best to sever contact. Am I wrong?

 

I never pressured her to get over it. I just was taken back that she's already basically living with another guy. But, people cope different I guess.

 

No you are not wrong to cut contact. Also if you have not already, stop helping with the apartment. Get yourself together and move on.

 

No looking at profile's on Tinder is not cheating just like her texting ex's and flings is not but a bad move on both parts. Her reaction to it was from her thinking you were seeing the girls from tinder.

[elaine567]

we needed time apart to figure things out. The only part that hurts is she's with someone else a lot now. It's basically that I was replaced that fast with just another body after she told me she wanted to get back together just a week or so earlier.

 

You didn't NEED time apart to figure things out, being apart sounded the death knell to your relationship.

[south225]

No you are not wrong to cut contact. Also if you have not already, stop helping with the apartment. Get yourself together and move on.

 

No looking at profile's on Tinder is not cheating just like her texting ex's and flings is not but a bad move on both parts. Her reaction to it was from her thinking you were seeing the girls from tinder.

 

Yeah she was convinced I was seeing people off there even though I was with her every night. I told her the truth that I never had slept with anyone or even touched anyone else, but the damage had been done.

 

As for the break, I don't really know how it happened. Our communication wasn't good but it felt like we had made tons of progress up until she met that guy at one of her Coke parties. We had a plan for me to move back in and I was giving her full access to all my things in case she was ever suspicious.

 

Then all of a sudden she met that guy and decided we needed more time to work on ourselves but didn't rule out a future with me once we worked through things and got over what all has happened.