Just messed up. I may have cheated and then girlfriend did cheat on me

[usa1ah]

South it is time to walk away man and try to stop dwelling on it. She is a addict, strung out with a addict. There is your reason, plain and simple.

 

Do you honestly want to get back with her, the STD's she might be getting from this druggy would be bad enough. Have you been with her since she started with him? If so man you need to get tested.

 

Best advice is to walk away man. Good luck.

[south225]

You didn't NEED time apart to figure things out, being apart sounded the death knell to your relationship.

 

My leaving had nothing to do with the relationship. There were other really important things going on in my family that I had to tend to and not doing so would have adversely affected our relationship.

 

It was the perfect storm. Everything came crashing down at once. Had my family issues not occurred, I would have never left. But I had no choice

[south225]

South it is time to walk away man and try to stop dwelling on it. She is a addict, strung out with a addict. There is your reason, plain and simple.

 

Do you honestly want to get back with her, the STD's she might be getting from this druggy would be bad enough. Have you been with her since she started with him? If so man you need to get tested.

 

Best advice is to walk away man. Good luck.

 

This has crossed my mind. Even if I hear from her months from now after she's gotten over things, her lifestyle and mine just won't mesh unless she gives it all up like she did when we dated. Then she loses her friends because her entire social life revolves around doing cocaine.

 

I'm sure at some point I'll rationalize this. She's done drugs most of her life and even dated addicts. It's likely she'll always do this and I was just a break from her norm. She'd always say I was completely different from anyone else she'd ever dated. We wanted to get married. Everyone thought we were. It just hurts.

[usa1ah]

I have no doubt that it hurts man. Would you have wanted to see how she was now or after the two of you were married? It sounds like she partied it up then found someone safe, yourself, that was completely different from her norm. The only problem is she is not finished partying. That is what she meant earlier, this guy and others are not the guys she wants to marry one day just the guys she wants to get drugged up and party with. You know what goes on with this type of partying.

 

 

I think she loved the idea of marring someone like you, all safe not into drugs and stuff, but not you. If she loved you she would not have started sleeping with another or would have stopped seeing the other guy when you cut contact.

 

 

Like I said, time to move on, take time to get thru the hurt and find some girl that loves you.

[south225]

I have no doubt that it hurts man. Would you have wanted to see how she was now or after the two of you were married? It sounds like she partied it up then found someone safe, yourself, that was completely different from her norm. The only problem is she is not finished partying. That is what she meant earlier, this guy and others are not the guys she wants to marry one day just the guys she wants to get drugged up and party with. You know what goes on with this type of partying.

 

 

I think she loved the idea of marring someone like you, all safe not into drugs and stuff, but not you. If she loved you she would not have started sleeping with another or would have stopped seeing the other guy when you cut contact.

 

 

Like I said, time to move on, take time to get thru the hurt and find some girl that loves you.

 

I always knew she was a partier. She told me she almost had to go to rehab in college and was arrested in high school. But she promised when we were dating that she'd stay away from that stuff. But she did never seem to be that happen when we went out together for drinks and dinner and the like. I love to drink but that's all I'll do when I have fun.

 

I think you're right though. She said I was so different from her norm and she loved me because of it, and her family loved me too because I was educated with two degrees, stable and had a good job and came from a family with some money. She told them we were going to get married. The current guy she's with is a line cook who makes no money. She has a masters degree. I know it won't last.

 

I do think maybe she just discovered that she missed that scene and wants to get back into it for a while. She claimed what she was doing with this guy had nothing to do with me and was just w fling, but I just don't believe it.

 

I am going to move on. If she reaches out in the future then I'll see where we are, but for now I can't expect anything. I have to heal and take care of myself and go through the grieving process.

[usa1ah]

You need to change one thing with your plan.

 

If and when she reaches out to you, do not respond. Find someone else, their are other women out there that will not treat you like this. Also, this is about you as well no matter what she says.

 

The two if you have been talking about marriage, then she pulls this. So she thinks she can go sleep with anyone she wants when ever she wants and it has nothing to do with you. If you let her come back she will be using you as a safe bet and a paycheck then running off from time to time to party.

 

Never trust this girl again. Start anew life without her.

[south225]

You need to change one thing with your plan.

 

If and when she reaches out to you, do not respond. Find someone else, their are other women out there that will not treat you like this. Also, this is about you as well no matter what she says.

 

The two if you have been talking about marriage, then she pulls this. So she thinks she can go sleep with anyone she wants when ever she wants and it has nothing to do with you. If you let her come back she will be using you as a safe bet and a paycheck then running off from time to time to party.

 

Never trust this girl again. Start anew life without her.

 

I don't plan to honestly even if she does contact me in the future after she's decided what she wants with her life.

 

I always feared she stayed with me because of money too. I paid for all of our meals when we were together and of course half of the rent and most of the food from the store. She knew what I had and what my family had. I expect that influenced her to stay with me over partying.

 

But at the end of the day, she can't just go off and live her old lifestyle and expect to come back sometime in the future while I just hang around waiting.

 

I firmly believe she's just regressing to the mean now. Back in her old drug abuse ways sleeping guys who will get high with her in her filthy apartment with old food spread out everywhere on the floor. Sad life, but I can't be the one to keep her from that.

 

I know what I did was wrong too and I handled it poorly, but if she really cared, she wouldn't have just given in to her need to fill my void and fine a random guy so she shouldn't have to be alone. I don't care if they aren't dating like she claims. She's still sleeping wit him 3-4 nights a week.

 

I did all I could to make amends. I even apologized to her mother for my transgressions and let her know how deeply regretful and asked for forgiveness. I did all I could do.

 

And if she didn't want a future with me, she shouldn't said so. I don't know how honest "I don't know" really is. I think she just wanted me around so if she got bored.

Edited June 23, 2016 by south225

[usa1ah]

Who is responsible for the apartment?

 

If you are not, have you pick up all your things out of it?

 

If you are you need to get her to leave or get your name off the rent or lease.

 

Make a clean break and start to heal.

[DKT3]

I don't plan to honestly even if she does contact me in the future after she's decided what she wants with her life.

 

I always feared she stayed with me because of money too. I paid for all of our meals when we were together and of course half of the rent and most of the food from the store. She knew what I had and what my family had. I expect that influenced her to stay with me over partying.

 

But at the end of the day, she can't just go off and live her old lifestyle and expect to come back sometime in the future while I just hang around waiting.

 

I firmly believe she's just regressing to the mean now. Back in her old drug abuse ways sleeping guys who will get high with her in her filthy apartment with old food spread out everywhere on the floor. Sad life, but I can't be the one to keep her from that.

 

I know what I did was wrong too and I handled it poorly, but if she really cared, she wouldn't have just given in to her need to fill my void and fine a random guy so she shouldn't have to be alone. I don't care if they aren't dating like she claims. She's still sleeping wit him 3-4 nights a week.

 

I did all I could to make amends. I even apologized to her mother for my transgressions and let her know how deeply regretful and asked for forgiveness. I did all I could do.

 

And if she didn't want a future with me, she shouldn't said so. I don't know how honest "I don't know" really is. I think she just wanted me around so if she got bored.

 

You can raise a tiger from a cub, love it, feed it paint it pink and put bows on it. As soon as he gets hungry he WILL eat you.

 

Point is you will be who you are. She told you who she is, she has shown you, believe it and move on

[south225]

Who is responsible for the apartment?

 

If you are not, have you pick up all your things out of it?

 

If you are you need to get her to leave or get your name off the rent or lease.

 

Make a clean break and start to heal.

 

No my name was never on the lease. I just paid half of the rent. I did get all of my things and so she has nothing left of mine. I have her the key back Monday when we met and she told me about her fling.

 

The weird thing was she didn't want her key back unless I was severing ties with her. She just said "well if you want to go ahead and cut communication I guess I'll need my key back." It's almost like she's in a different world than I am when it comes to human relationships.

 

Why on earth did she want to keep contact with me? Just in case things fell apart with her fling I assume. Then she could come back and say she's ready to get back together.

[Nowty V]

Your thread, and the sound replies it has received have helped me a lot. I was in a similar situation for four years with a secretive chemical dependant.

 

The final two years I was trying to encourage the female to get help with her debts and seek out some therapy.

 

I had been through the Psychotropic Substances thing many years ago and had cleaned up my act. I have gone through some talk therapy also self realisation and exercised my demons. I was not out to rescue the female.

 

She too spoke of marriage and all things nice but she never did one thing that showed me she actually knew me/respected me/ genuinely cared for me. She was very nice and seductive but she was like a mouse after the cheese and she knew what buttons to press to get it, when she chose.

 

She never had any money, ever... never even bought me a beer in four years, all her money went on Cocaine. If I bought her a dress she asked for, she would take it back next day for a refund and buy more coke.

 

We were in NC but I replied to a text the day before I posted in your thread which is why I am a bit harsh, we communicated, she is very tactful in not exposing her true self but steers the conversation so it leads where she wants.

 

There was only one person in my relationship, me. She was a cocaine user who saw me as a safe bet and a paycheck, I see that now and believe me it helps massive.

 

Mine was like a werewolf, ran on a 28 day cycle like the Moon. Her most awful behaviour occurred between ovulation and just before her period showed, that's when she would disappear, I guess to party and coke binge, returning with some family tale of woe after the event.

 

She didn't care about me truly, but worked to an agenda. I suggest yours does the same. Save yourself and find some happiness. Put it down to experience.

 

Listen not to what she says, but to what she does.

[south225]

Your thread, and the sound replies it has received have helped me a lot. I was in a similar situation for four years with a secretive chemical dependant.

 

The final two years I was trying to encourage the female to get help with her debts and seek out some therapy.

 

I had been through the Psychotropic Substances thing many years ago and had cleaned up my act. I have gone through some talk therapy also self realisation and exercised my demons. I was not out to rescue the female.

 

She too spoke of marriage and all things nice but she never did one thing that showed me she actually knew me/respected me/ genuinely cared for me. She was very nice and seductive but she was like a mouse after the cheese and she knew what buttons to press to get it, when she chose.

 

She never had any money, ever... never even bought me a beer in four years, all her money went on Cocaine. If I bought her a dress she asked for, she would take it back next day for a refund and buy more coke.

 

We were in NC but I replied to a text the day before I posted in your thread which is why I am a bit harsh, we communicated, she is very tactful in not exposing her true self but steers the conversation so it leads where she wants.

 

There was only one person in my relationship, me. She was a cocaine user who saw me as a safe bet and a paycheck, I see that now and believe me it helps massive.

 

Mine was like a werewolf, ran on a 28 day cycle like the Moon. Her most awful behaviour occurred between ovulation and just before her period showed, that's when she would disappear, I guess to party and coke binge, returning with some family tale of woe after the event.

 

She didn't care about me truly, but worked to an agenda. I suggest yours does the same. Save yourself and find some happiness. Put it down to experience.

 

Listen not to what she says, but to what she does.

 

I can probably count on 1 hand the number of meals and bought me. She was even poor after she got a new job and made 6 figures. It was mind boggling but I'm sure all her money is going to buy coke.

 

A lot of what you say sounds eerily familiar. I sometimes did wonder if she actually cared for me. She'd chastise me for my hobbies and didn't like most of my friends. She didn't respect my relationship with my family and that it was different than hers. We typically did everything she wanted while she rarely would do things I liked, except s few times.

 

I often found myself wondering if she actually loved me or if she was just in love with the idea of stability and having someone who could pay for all of her meals.

 

Her behavior after we stopped living together told me a lot. She was right back into the drugs and found herself a loser to do them with.

 

I am paying attention to her actions. I didn't believe a word she said to me when we met. I think it was all to keep me around so if she grew tired of partying she'd have me to come back to. I'm sure I'll head from her in the future but I don't plan to try to get back with her. She's always going to be like this

[JS84]

Block her phone number and remove her from friends on facebook. Your gf is a coke head and your relationship was dysfunctional due to both of you. I'd recommend in the future avoiding partners with substance abuse issues. I don't care if they claim they're "clean" or not. Just from what I've read in this thread I'm sure she was doing coke the entire time she was with you.

 

I've done cocaine, it's not hard to conceal the actual act. Did you go into the bathroom with her every time she took a dump??? I doubt you were with her 24/7. All it takes is 30 seconds of alone time and a straw. It's probably the easiest drug to conceal the actual act of doing it.

 

Anyway sounds like you dodged a bullet. I suggest you look at this relationship, try to learn from the mistakes you personally made and look back at any red flags you overlooked, ignored, or pushed out of your mind and not repeat it in the future.

[usa1ah]

Give her key back to her. Mail it to her where she has to sign for it and you get notified that it was delivered.

 

You sound like you see her for who she is now. Good luck going forward.

[Nowty V]

We typically did everything she wanted while she rarely would do things I liked, except s few times.

 

Bingo! mine was the same. She was a cute piece of pie and it seems irrational to let that go, however she probably didn't even like sex, it's just a means to an end with her.

 

And she probably didn't "go back" to her poor behaviour, she just stopped concealing it.

 

I lost £22,000 clear throughout the affair and wasted a lot more but I have my dignity and my self respect and they are priceless.

 

In trying to address my issue's in the hope of appeasing her and making things right it took me to places a therapist couldn't take me so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining.

 

Good Luck and be careful out there

 

PS: I'm in the UK and we have just voted to leave the EU, this is very bad....

[south225]

Most of you, along with my friends, seem to be in agreement over this girl in that even if she comes back in the future after this fling, I should ignore her because she's trash and she associates with trash.

 

Can't say I disagree. I think she liked the idea of being with someone like me but in the end she loved her drugs too much. She basically started using the day I left the apartment.

[Nowty V]

She basically started using the day I left the apartment.

 

I think you are still carrying a torch for her or you don't want to face up to the fact you were had, she used you.

 

If she was even poor after getting a new job with a six figure pay check she was using throughout the whole time you were with her

 

She's not trash just lost and insecure. She has a chemical dependency and uses people.

 

Take steps so she can no longer contact you, maybe a new phone number, then she can't push your buttons and get her hooks in you. She mirrored what she perceived you wanted in order to achieve her own ends.

 

Don't feel sad or bitter, feel joyous that you escaped in tact with no real harm done.

 

 

I can tell you with 100% certainty that anything you do in an attempt to help her is only going to be enabling her continued drug use.

 

Definitely go NC and make sure you block her. She's toxic and is only going to waste more of your time if you let her back in to your life.

 

Enabling an ill person to continue poor habits deters healing.

 

If you are going to commit yourself to someone they have to be willing to meet you half way and at a minimum treat you with kindness and respect.

 

Insecurities : verbal smokescreen designed to divert the attention of the betrayed from the wrongdoings of the accuser

 

[acknowledgement to the threads I plagiarised these lines from]

Edited June 24, 2016 by Nowty V
adendum

[south225]

I've already blocked her on all forms of social media and on my phone. The only way she can find me now is to come to my house or mail me a written letter.

 

I did feel used often in our relationship. I still have no idea if she was using cocaine while we dated. I never knew what the signs were. But she was always broke and I never understood how or why. She asked me to help budget and then pulled back when it finally came time to do it.

[Nowty V]

I still have no idea if she was using cocaine while we dated. I never knew what the signs were. But she was always broke and I never understood how or why. She asked me to help budget and then pulled back when it finally came time to do it.

 

you don't know or you don't want to accept she was lying to you throughout?

 

Mine was the same, had taken out payday loans at 4375%APR interest rate and defaulted on them. When it came down to sorting it out she pulled back. If she showed me her bank statements her habit would have been exposed. Did you ever see Gucci handbags? Designer clothes? receipts from the casino? New Shoes? NO???

 

Her money was going into her dealers pocket for the cocaine that was going up her nose, simple fact. You were subsidising her habit.

 

Sorry feller but there is no other explanation. Eliminate what's possible and you are only left with what's probable.

[south225]

Block her phone number and remove her from friends on facebook. Your gf is a coke head and your relationship was dysfunctional due to both of you. I'd recommend in the future avoiding partners with substance abuse issues. I don't care if they claim they're "clean" or not. Just from what I've read in this thread I'm sure she was doing coke the entire time she was with you.

 

I've done cocaine, it's not hard to conceal the actual act. Did you go into the bathroom with her every time she took a dump??? I doubt you were with her 24/7. All it takes is 30 seconds of alone time and a straw. It's probably the easiest drug to conceal the actual act of doing it.

 

Anyway sounds like you dodged a bullet. I suggest you look at this relationship, try to learn from the mistakes you personally made and look back at any red flags you overlooked, ignored, or pushed out of your mind and not repeat it in the future.

 

There were lots of red flags, from her substance abuse, to her inability to clean properly or live like a functioning adult, to her money problems that she never solved, to other things.

 

It's tough right now to accept what's going on - I find myself often thinking about our future and even 2 weeks ago when it seemed like we were about to get back together, and how things would have been. The trips we went on, the last 2 4th of julys we spent together. And how she's probably with the new guy at this moment, either laying with him or having sex, in the bed we used to share, probably with sheets that haven't been changed since I left, and it drives me nuts.

 

But I have to focus on the negatives. Why we had our falling out in the first place; why I had issues with her, why I had doubts about introducing her to my family and friends. Those nights where I'd have to spend the evening picking up her old food or trash from the floor while she just laid on the couch. Or when she'd go insane and shame me whenever I'd try to see my guy friends for a guys night.

 

There were plenty of issues and reasons why I didn't stay with her and moved out to tend to my family problems, and it said a lot that she just moved on to someone else so quickly. I always suspected she didn't love me for me, just for what I could give her and the image she could project. I suspect once she got back on doing coke, it was enough to give her the push to really leave me, which trying to keep a string attached to me in case she got bored and wanted me back.

 

I have little doubt I will hear from her again. I don't know if it will be 2 weeks from now, 2 months from now or 6 months from now, but I know I haven't heard the last from her. But I know I can't fall into the trap if she does reach out and try to rekindle what we had now that she has her partying out of the way.

 

In a way, I am glad I found out about her rebound fling. She seemed to be ok with just talking to me while she was seeing him, and I finally made it clear she wasn't going to have her cake and eat it too.

 

The healing process is going to take time, but I hope in a month or so, I'll feel better and look back and wonder why I even cared to have her back.

[south225]

I guess the ****tiest part about this is - it doesn't reinforce my views on most women. In the immediate aftermath of when she found me browsing tinder on my phone, she made me do all kinds of things, cutting contact with people, apologizing to others, talking to my family and friends and making amends. My friends told me she'd be sleeping with someone else soon, and that's just how women are, and I argued how she was different, she wanted to work with me on this, we set up an entire new way so she could have all access to my text messages and phone and I was glad to do it. I wanted to stop.

 

And then she just goes off and finds a fling. I know people cope in different ways, and I know she's told me in the past she's always had hook up buddies and doesn't go long without sex, but two wrongs don't make a right, and I think what initially happened wasn't relationship ending. I had no interest in actually sleeping with or dating anyone I ever swiped on on Tinder.

[smackie9]

Stop down playing it....she wasn't special enough to prevent you from being in the least bit curious to be looking at dating sites. I feel you had a gut feeling in the back of your mind she wasn't truly GF material anyways. Her on the other hand she was projecting her guilt by accusing you of cheating which a lot of cheaters do. She lost her upper hand in this relationship when she busted you, so she just bailed. There were issue in this relationship long before this happened. Maybe you both are just not ready to commit yourselves to someone. Be single for awhile, clear your head, have fun and put this behind you.

[Nowty V]

According to psychologists research "women express love by enacting fewer negative or antagonistic behaviours, men show love by initiating sex"

 

You clearly had all your 'love' channels open and loved this woman. She on the other hand liked you around because you subsidised her habit and she could show you to her family.

 

You're in love with her; but what are you in love with?

[south225]

Probably the imagine if what she could be. Not what she actually was. There was part of me that thought she did actually want to change and not be what she always had been during her life.

 

Yes we did have problems. It's just sad to see what she's doing now. I get she "wasn't over" what I did but I felt it could've been solved without her sleeping around or starting some sort of rebound immediately. It just makes me feel like she didn't care about me and just wanted to have a fling. I don't know how sleeping wit someone else regularly would help her get over what I did and bring her back, unless it just reminds her that I wasn't that bad after all.

 

I just wish I had followed all her orders and alienated some of my friends that didn't like her only to watch her go to someone else.

[Nowty V]

the imagine if what she could be. Not what she actually was.

 

That's probably what she used to play you. With that little nugget in her arsenal she could brush you off and real you in at will.

 

I doubt she was aware of what she was dong as it is all going on deep down in the recess of her Id. [id, ego, super ego, Freudian theory on the development of the psych]

 

She's just a wrongun feller, it's sad, but she would never be able to achieve what you visualized. She's too damaged to be aware of the concept.