I'm I incapable of being loved?

[Els]

The minute I saw your username, I knew exactly what the problem was.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with watching anime and playing video games. I used to watch anime (not all that much nowadays), and still play video games. That being said, if your definition of a girlfriend is 'a girl who's an angel like the ones in anime', I think you have a LOT of maturing to do before you are going to be ready for any sort of long-term relationship. Anime girls are like the "prince charming"s in Disney. Fun to watch, but an absolutely terrible basis for real life. It's not about 'lowering your expectations', it's about being mature enough to realize that a cartoon is a cartoon.

 

I'm not going to suggest you quit anime or video games, but I do suggest that you make time to go out in the real world and talk to real people, and for the love of god stop comparing real humans to pixelated characters who can be anything their creator wants.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Elswyth

[Els]

My question wouldn't be are you capable of being loved.

 

It's are YOU capable of loving a real life woman. A person with strengths and flaws, good and bad qualities, things you admire and things you compromise on.

 

This "angel" fantasy is not reality. And what do you have to offer this "angel"?

 

One of my good friends married someone pretty close to your "angel" she is pretty, and chaise, sings competively, loves to cook and be a "wife" like any human she has her flaws, but for many men she would be a catch.

 

My friend is fit and good looking. Sociable and gregarious. Smart and driven, an aerospace engineer who earns over $300,000 a year.

 

He provides her with his devotion a beautiful home, a lifestyle in which she does not have to work, and they enjoy traveling and other finer things in life.

 

He has a lot to offer, and hence was able (after spending many years concentrating on his education and career) to find an "angel" - any woman who has a lot to offer, will probably be looking for the same in return.

 

Rofl, this reminds me of a meme that's been circulating on my FB feed for a while - "Any man who says he wants an angel should make sure that he can provide a heaven for her. Angels don't live in hell."

 

It probably wouldn't have passed muster on LS, but considering the culture (Asian) and the OP's obsession with 'angels', I thought it was rather apt.

[preraph]

I looked up WAIFU on Google, and it gave this definition from Urban Dictionary, which is quite humorous:

"A Waifu, in contrast to a harem, is the love between one man and his one and only Waifu. You treat your Waifu with the utmost respect and courtesy and most refuse to even fap to their beloved, seeing the act as an insult to the non-existent woman they have committed themselves to."

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Waifu

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

If I had good references with women, then I feel I probably would not hate or despise the gender role that guys have to make the first move and be the initiators

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

this is what I mean, me personally, I feel that's the main reason why I never liked the gender role that us guys are expected to approach and make the first move, be the initiator, because if you don't have a reference, it's hard to not take rejection personally, i'd imagine that's why so many guys out there have no problems being assertive or aggressive action-takers, go-getters, pursuers, approach a lot of women and don't get bothered by rejection because they have a reference, they have had girlfriends already, it's like the equivalent of applying for a job and you have already worked in that certain field before but when you get turned down from the job, it doesn't hurt you as much, the same thing if you haven't had a girlfriend before, hopefully you get the point i'm making, it's just very hard to put into words.

[normal person]

this is what I mean, me personally, I feel that's the main reason why I never liked the gender role that us guys are expected to approach and make the first move, be the initiator, because if you don't have a reference, it's hard to not take rejection personally, i'd imagine that's why so many guys out there have no problems being assertive or aggressive action-takers, go-getters, pursuers, approach a lot of women and don't get bothered by rejection because they have a reference, they have had girlfriends already, it's like the equivalent of applying for a job and you have already worked in that certain field before but when you get turned down from the job, it doesn't hurt you as much, the same thing if you haven't had a girlfriend before, hopefully you get the point i'm making, it's just very hard to put into words.

 

Let's say you're playing a sport. You start somewhere even if you've never played before. You'll probably lose at first because you don't know what you're doing. But you enjoy playing and like the idea of winning at some point. So you get into and learn the nuances of it by trial and error, by practicing, by learning from your in game experiences. And even if you're naturally gifted at it, or develop the skills through learning, you're unlikely to win every game. In some cases, the only way you'll really have a shot is to try the best you can, step out of your comfort zone and exert yourself to the point where you feel you can't do any more.

 

The point being, you need to make mistakes to learn from them, they toughen you up, you learn what works and what doesn't work, etc. And you need to accept the fact that you can do everything right and still not be successful all the time. And given that, you'll understand that not getting a particular girl is not akin to the end of the world. It's just another unavoidable loss.

 

All that being said, men are usually physically stronger, bigger, and more well equipped to provide, more biologically prone to be aggressive and go get the things they need for them and their families to survive. There is no reason any grown man should fear a woman. There's no good reason any man should take issue with having to be a pursuer or initiator. If you have a problem with doing that, you're probably subconsciously worried that the girl will doubt your ability to provide, protect, etc. That's a fear you need to conquer and/or if it's based in reality, you need to improve your life to the point where there is no doubt that you can provide and protect and there is no fear within yourself.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Let's say you're playing a sport. You start somewhere even if you've never played before. You'll probably lose at first because you don't know what you're doing. But you enjoy playing and like the idea of winning at some point. So you get into and learn the nuances of it by trial and error, by practicing, by learning from your in game experiences. And even if you're naturally gifted at it, or develop the skills through learning, you're unlikely to win every game. In some cases, the only way you'll really have a shot is to try the best you can, step out of your comfort zone and exert yourself to the point where you feel you can't do any more.

 

The point being, you need to make mistakes to learn from them, they toughen you up, you learn what works and what doesn't work, etc. And you need to accept the fact that you can do everything right and still not be successful all the time. And given that, you'll understand that not getting a particular girl is not akin to the end of the world. It's just another unavoidable loss.

 

All that being said, men are usually physically stronger, bigger, and more well equipped to provide, more biologically prone to be aggressive and go get the things they need for them and their families to survive. There is no reason any grown man should fear a woman. There's no good reason any man should take issue with having to be a pursuer or initiator. If you have a problem with doing that, you're probably subconsciously worried that the girl will doubt your ability to provide, protect, etc. That's a fear you need to conquer and/or if it's based in reality, you need to improve your life to the point where there is no doubt that you can provide and protect and there is no fear within yourself.

 

I should have mentioned, those guys I mentioned previously, they already have the confidence, validation, self-esteem from past success with women, having a girlfriend already, that has to be a major reason why they don't hate or detest having to be the initiator, approacher, because the past success makes them not be phased by rejection

[normal person]

I should have mentioned, those guys I mentioned previously, they already have the confidence, validation, self-esteem from past success with women, having a girlfriend already, that has to be a major reason why they don't hate or detest having to be the initiator, approacher, because the past success makes them not be phased by rejection

 

Probably true. Success is a great feedback loop. Guys with previous success, validation, and no fear of rejection probably don't need to worry. However I suspect the real "battleground" is for guys without a good amount of previous success who either:

 

1). Evolve and develop the strength and fearlessness to do what they need to do to get what they want; adopting a "you can be previously unsuccessful, yet still unphased by rejection and still eventually successful" approach, or

 

2). Reinforce their own idea that women have some sort power or sexual high ground over them and they are hopeless, and destined to wallow in emasculation.

 

 

Those are two very different paths. The difference is liberation by fearlessness in 1, and complete inhibition by fear in 2.

[juniorrocha]

Couldn't agree more with normal person and I think that goes for everything in life. Some people may succeed on their first go, but it's unusual. You normally have to keep on trying, getting fails, until you actually get a success.

 

The other day I was watching some interview on TV with Gisele Bündchen and she was saying how it took her like 40+ attempts on castings to finally be given a chance. Now she's the best paid model in the world.

 

The problem is that most people give up on their first few attempts, so they never get to be as successful as Gisele. You must keep on trying. You'll get more experience and eventually your time will come.

 

About 4 years ago I was seeing this girl who I liked very much, but she didn't appear to have the same feelings for me. She was one of my first girls. 2 years after that, I met her in a bar and we talked; ended up having sex. She said: "you look so much better now, you're also more mature, conversations flow in a nice way". She wanted to meet me again, but I didn't. Now she wasn't interesting at all for me, just for sex; she was still very pretty.

 

What I'm trying to say is: try. Get out there and try. Work on yourself, your clothes. Find the person you want to be. Find ways to be more attractive and to love yourself. Then things will work. Sitting home waiting for an "angel" to fall from the sky is not gonna happen.

[MGX]

I should have mentioned, those guys I mentioned previously, they already have the confidence, validation, self-esteem from past success with women, having a girlfriend already, that has to be a major reason why they don't hate or detest having to be the initiator, approacher, because the past success makes them not be phased by rejection

 

It's like I'm always saying: just one success with a woman tells you that you CAN win. There is nothing like that first win. Changes EVERYTHING. Heck, if I knew things then that I know NOW, I there's a chance that I probably might have been successful alot sooner. In hindsight, I was defeated myself a number of times until I was thirty.

 

But those with no success and hundreds of losses? I can understand the frustration and anger...you keep losing at playing a game, it's not a fun game to play. Like Kobe Bryant continuing to dominate you on a basketball court. It's one of the hardest things in the world to overcome that losing streak when you have no faith in your ability to attract women or women's ability to like you.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

It's like I'm always saying: just one success with a woman tells you that you CAN win. There is nothing like that first win. Changes EVERYTHING. Heck, if I knew things then that I know NOW, I there's a chance that I probably might have been successful alot sooner. In hindsight, I was defeated myself a number of times until I was thirty.

 

But those with no success and hundreds of losses? I can understand the frustration and anger...you keep losing at playing a game, it's not a fun game to play. Like Kobe Bryant continuing to dominate you on a basketball court. It's one of the hardest things in the world to overcome that losing streak when you have no faith in your ability to attract women or women's ability to like you.

 

Yup, that pretty much nails it

[preraph]

It's like I'm always saying: just one success with a woman tells you that you CAN win. There is nothing like that first win. Changes EVERYTHING. Heck, if I knew things then that I know NOW, I there's a chance that I probably might have been successful alot sooner. In hindsight, I was defeated myself a number of times until I was thirty.

 

But those with no success and hundreds of losses? I can understand the frustration and anger...you keep losing at playing a game, it's not a fun game to play. Like Kobe Bryant continuing to dominate you on a basketball court. It's one of the hardest things in the world to overcome that losing streak when you have no faith in your ability to attract women or women's ability to like you.

 

That's where gaming works against him. He's conditioned to always winning without any more effort than it takes to hit a button. He wants to hit that button and make a willing woman appear. Not gonna happen. It's all he knows. Someone's parents didn't do him any favors letting him get into this rut.

[NTV]

That's where gaming works against him. He's conditioned to always winning without any more effort than it takes to hit a button. He wants to hit that button and make a willing woman appear. Not gonna happen. It's all he knows. Someone's parents didn't do him any favors letting him get into this rut.

 

 

 

Really? Come on. He probably learned more intellectual problem solving skills playing video games and watching anime than a whole football team of highschool boys have. When it comes to job placement, that'll mean a whole lot more.

 

 

Dude, I was there where you were once. It changes with time. You're feeling the pressure cause you think you gotta catch up with other dudes in your age group. You don't. You're probably gonna surpass them sometime after college, and unknowingly look down on them. That's life. Just go look in the mirror and say 'hey wanna go out?' about fifty times til you got it right, and then go try it with someone that you've got something in common with. Take her to the movies, tell it's dark and scary and you wanna hold hands, kiss her good night. Too easy. It's the relationship garbage that's complicated and messy.

 

 

You also got a leg up on your competition because you've found this place. And I don't just mean the responses you get here. I mean read. Read a bunch. Digest what you've read and read more. There's a lot of different points of view on adult relationship topics that will take you from unknown territory to expert (for your age group) in little to no time. How to deal with an affair baby? Probably not relevant to you right now (hopefully never), but knowing and understanding the varying emotional reactions, the meanings behind common phrases like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' the telltale things that destroy relationships, and the basic building blocks that build them.... all here in abundance.

 

 

If you wanted to learn the things that women...grown women... look for in a man. The right way to play the field, the wrong way, and the consequences for both... all here man. You're not gonna win a game if you don't play it, right? Learn the rules here, watch and learn how they work where you're at, and when you're ready... play the game to win.

[MGX]

That's where gaming works against him. He's conditioned to always winning without any more effort than it takes to hit a button. He wants to hit that button and make a willing woman appear. Not gonna happen. It's all he knows. Someone's parents didn't do him any favors letting him get into this rut.

 

If anything, gaming would teach him to keep trying because he'll eventually win. He might die fifty times, but he'll get past at some point.

 

Most video games have challenges, preraph. You have to learn the stages and fight the enemies, even at the lowest difficulty levels (unless you're using cheat codes or a hack of some kind). A game that's way too easy is boring. In most games, players will die ALOT, but they eventually overcome the obstacle which was killing them. It's like that Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt movie "Live, Die, Repeat" aka "Edge of Tomorrow"? That movie explores the "Groundhog Day" like concept of constantly reliving a deadly experience until you learn what not to do and eventually defeating that obstacle.

 

What I'm saying is that this guy (and alot of guys here on LS) isn't overcoming his adversaries. It isn't like "keep trying and you'll eventually win". It's to the point where the guys question if they could EVER win. They keep failing. Imagine being a sports team with all loses and no wins? Or a hapless husband with a shrewish wife who could never be pleased? The LS guys didn't lose hope overnight. Repeated negative experiences without any positive experiences to counteract them.

 

Now the anime thing is problematic if he believes that all women are like those idealized fictional characters.

 

 

And speaking of fictional characters, was the OP a troll or just someone who was scared off? Is this thread kinda moot now? I don't think the OP has been back since the beginning of the thread. The conversation has taken a life of it's own now.

[preraph]

Really? Come on. He probably learned more intellectual problem solving skills playing video games and watching anime than a whole football team of highschool boys have. When it comes to job placement, that'll mean a whole lot more.

 

 

Dude, I was there where you were once. It changes with time. You're feeling the pressure cause you think you gotta catch up with other dudes in your age group. You don't. You're probably gonna surpass them sometime after college, and unknowingly look down on them. That's life. Just go look in the mirror and say 'hey wanna go out?' about fifty times til you got it right, and then go try it with someone that you've got something in common with. Take her to the movies, tell it's dark and scary and you wanna hold hands, kiss her good night. Too easy. It's the relationship garbage that's complicated and messy.

 

 

You also got a leg up on your competition because you've found this place. And I don't just mean the responses you get here. I mean read. Read a bunch. Digest what you've read and read more. There's a lot of different points of view on adult relationship topics that will take you from unknown territory to expert (for your age group) in little to no time. How to deal with an affair baby? Probably not relevant to you right now (hopefully never), but knowing and understanding the varying emotional reactions, the meanings behind common phrases like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' the telltale things that destroy relationships, and the basic building blocks that build them.... all here in abundance.

 

 

If you wanted to learn the things that women...grown women... look for in a man. The right way to play the field, the wrong way, and the consequences for both... all here man. You're not gonna win a game if you don't play it, right? Learn the rules here, watch and learn how they work where you're at, and when you're ready... play the game to win.

 

He doesn't have the social skills to work, best I can tell. Games don't prepare you for anything in the job world unless you learn how to write codes and can get picked to write games out of the gazillions of people who would like to do that. Playing chess is harder and that doesn't prepare you for anything either, but at least if you're good at it, that means your memory is good. Not so with games. Football doesn't prepare you for anything either, but at least it's a method of networking with other real live people who might refer you to a job someday.

[preraph]

If anything, gaming would teach him to keep trying because he'll eventually win. He might die fifty times, but he'll get past at some point.

 

Most video games have challenges, preraph. You have to learn the stages and fight the enemies, even at the lowest difficulty levels (unless you're using cheat codes or a hack of some kind). A game that's way too easy is boring. In most games, players will die ALOT, but they eventually overcome the obstacle which was killing them. It's like that Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt movie "Live, Die, Repeat" aka "Edge of Tomorrow"? That movie explores the "Groundhog Day" like concept of constantly reliving a deadly experience until you learn what not to do and eventually defeating that obstacle.

 

What I'm saying is that this guy (and alot of guys here on LS) isn't overcoming his adversaries. It isn't like "keep trying and you'll eventually win". It's to the point where the guys question if they could EVER win. They keep failing. Imagine being a sports team with all loses and no wins? Or a hapless husband with a shrewish wife who could never be pleased? The LS guys didn't lose hope overnight. Repeated negative experiences without any positive experiences to counteract them.

 

Now the anime thing is problematic if he believes that all women are like those idealized fictional characters.

 

 

And speaking of fictional characters, was the OP a troll or just someone who was scared off? Is this thread kinda moot now? I don't think the OP has been back since the beginning of the thread. The conversation has taken a life of it's own now.

 

I've played games. They have challenges that any nine year old can overcome and are made to be won. Anyone who thinks a steady diet of doing nothing but losing oneself in anime and video games has some job value is wishful thinking. Anyway, he's looking for an angel, not a woman, not a job.

[preraph]

Really? Come on. He probably learned more intellectual problem solving skills playing video games and watching anime than a whole football team of highschool boys have. When it comes to job placement, that'll mean a whole lot more.

 

 

Dude, I was there where you were once. It changes with time. You're feeling the pressure cause you think you gotta catch up with other dudes in your age group. You don't. You're probably gonna surpass them sometime after college, and unknowingly look down on them. That's life. Just go look in the mirror and say 'hey wanna go out?' about fifty times til you got it right, and then go try it with someone that you've got something in common with. Take her to the movies, tell it's dark and scary and you wanna hold hands, kiss her good night. Too easy. It's the relationship garbage that's complicated and messy.

 

 

You also got a leg up on your competition because you've found this place. And I don't just mean the responses you get here. I mean read. Read a bunch. Digest what you've read and read more. There's a lot of different points of view on adult relationship topics that will take you from unknown territory to expert (for your age group) in little to no time. How to deal with an affair baby? Probably not relevant to you right now (hopefully never), but knowing and understanding the varying emotional reactions, the meanings behind common phrases like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you.' the telltale things that destroy relationships, and the basic building blocks that build them.... all here in abundance.

 

 

If you wanted to learn the things that women...grown women... look for in a man. The right way to play the field, the wrong way, and the consequences for both... all here man. You're not gonna win a game if you don't play it, right? Learn the rules here, watch and learn how they work where you're at, and when you're ready... play the game to win.

 

P.S. Intellectual? The guy thinks angel anime characters are real and wants one.

[Els]

He doesn't have the social skills to work, best I can tell. Games don't prepare you for anything in the job world unless you learn how to write codes and can get picked to write games out of the gazillions of people who would like to do that.

 

Actually, the demand for competent programmers is very much higher than the supply, in developed countries anyway. But playing games and programming are two very, very different things, not all programmers are gamers and vice versa, and there is nothing in the OP's post that indicates he even plans to learn to code.

 

That being said, meh. Most hobbies aren't terribly beneficial anyway. That's why they're called hobbies - it's what you do for fun. Nothing wrong with that. But it's pretty clear that the OP (if he exists...) has taken things a bit too far with that. He's obsessed about anime girls, it isn't just a hobby anymore. And THAT is what's going to seriously cripple him.

[NTV]

Okay. .. so what's the difference between wanting an animal angel and wanting a prince charming? Both are just dream idols of the opposite gender and place potential partners on a pedestal. Usually the first real relationship a person has cures both idealistic dream fictions.

 

And I'm pretty sure I've met folks that would love to be put on either pedestal and have their butt kissed for a while. Heck how often is the lack of butt kissing listed as one of the reasons to cheat? Lol.

[Els]

Okay. .. so what's the difference between wanting an animal angel and wanting a prince charming?

 

No difference. In fact I made that comment earlier myself - the OP is like a woman who says she wants a 'Disney prince'. Hopelessly out of touch with reality.

 

Usually boys and girls grow out of that phase after, like, 18 years of age. Usually earlier.

[MGX]

I've played games. They have challenges that any nine year old can overcome and are made to be won.

 

I'm not sure if you want to realize this, but not all video games are designed for children, not all video game characters are designed for a pre-teen audience. Like The Last of Us, which won 240 Game of the Year awards. It has an original score by composers, strong female and LGBT characters as well as characters that explore the human condition when society breaks down after a fungal virus outbreak. It isn't Angry Birds.

 

Some video games require unique strategies to get past certain points, not mashing the buttons as fast as you can. Especially RPGs, which require some planning and forethought with taking on a level and enemies with limited resources.

[Els]

I'm not sure if you want to realize this, but not all video games are designed for children, not all video game characters are designed for a pre-teen audience. Like The Last of Us, which won 240 Game of the Year awards. It has an original score by composers, strong female and LGBT characters as well as characters that explore the human condition when society breaks down after a fungal virus outbreak. It isn't Angry Birds.

 

Some video games require unique strategies to get past certain points, not mashing the buttons as fast as you can. Especially RPGs, which require some planning and forethought with taking on a level and enemies with limited resources.

 

Even the ones that are child-safe can be pretty crazy. I'd love to see preraph try to beat Civilization on the highest difficulty...

[MGX]

Even the ones that are child-safe can be pretty crazy. I'd love to see preraph try to beat Civilization on the highest difficulty...

 

Or any of the Metal Gear Solid games.

 

Video games have evolved; grown older along with their audience. Those seven year olds who grew up playing the relatively simplistic 8-bit Super Mario Bros back in 1987 are now playing next generation games with plots, characters, musical scores, art design, etc. People discuss the plots to games as if they were plots to television shows, because the medium has evolved beyond Galaga levels.

[Els]

Or any of the Metal Gear Solid games.

 

Video games have evolved; grown older along with their audience. Those seven year olds who grew up playing the relatively simplistic 8-bit Super Mario Bros back in 1987 are now playing next generation games with plots, characters, musical scores, art design, etc. People discuss the plots to games as if they were plots to television shows, because the medium has evolved beyond Galaga levels.

 

Yeah, I think a lot of people, especially the older generation, don't understand that. Same with most new inventions really, they are always viewed as a 'young generation thing' (or even 'devil's thing' ) until they've been around for at least a lifetime.

 

Frankly I think both types of extremism are equally harmful and feed into each other. Addicts give the moderate gamers (who comprise the vast majority of gamers) a bad rap, while people who preach against video games as somehow 'childish' or 'inferior to all other hobbies' just isolate the normal gamers and turn them into addicts.

 

But the OP is really a different kettle of fish entirely, he seems to think anime = real life. That's pretty bad.

[Robert]

We'll close this up, as the thread starter has been MIA since their last post. If they would like it reopened they can request that with the 'Alert Us' button on this post.

 

Thanks,

~6