Should I give her another chance?

[runup]

My exgirlfriend and I dated for 10 months while in college. We always got along great; could joke around for hours and were truly best friends. So much so that we wanted to spend every waking moment with one another. We pretty much lived together for the entire college year.

 

Her being in a sorority and me in a fraternity, we always came to understand that going to "mixers" was a thing, so that never really became an argument. Unfortunately, living with one another and not having our own personal space a lot led us to resent each other. We didn't hate each other (FAR from it), we just sort of lost that spark and attraction we once had; we became bored with one another and it could have been fixed if we realized it earlier. This loss of feelings led her to think that maybe her feelings for me weren't really that strong, cue the "I Love you, but im not in love with you". I became really sensitive to arguments and took everything she said personally (I realized it was a huge mistake) and started "checking in" on her a little too much at parties, she always respected my space when I was at parties. I made these mistakes and she started to push away, become distant etc. We still had great times throughout this and until the end but you could still sense it.

 

I graduated college (she is going into junior year) and thats when we started talking about how she had these indescribable urges to see other guys. As mentioned, she is in a sorority. Her being distanced from me and receiving a lot of attention at mixers (she is very attractive, a little insecure), surely got to her. She never cheated on me, yet she felt these urges and wanted to tell me. She felt terrible having them, but I was her only ever sexual partner and she couldn't help these feelings. I told her I understood (I had been with other partners and she knows) and that we should end things because I don't want to be with someone who feels held back by their lover. She said "If we end things now I know I will just come back in a week" and proceeded to suggest a break.

 

I accepted it, hoping it would help her sort out her feelings. We took a two and a half week break and a week into it she decided to end the relationship. I went to see her to give back her stuff and get mine back and we spent the whole day together (one last hurrah in a sense). At the end of the day she said she feels like she may be making a terrible mistake and that she "may be in love with me" and wants the rest of the (original planned for break) week to think. The next day she tells me she can't keep dating me; stating, "I spent a lot of time thinking and I don't think this is going to work, my feelings changed for you, and I realized I had to end it. I didn't love you the way couples are supposed to love each other" etc etc. I tried to persuade her that we should work things out and that we made mistakes that could be fixed, but her mind was made up. She wanted to be single and experience college life (hooking up with guys, not worrying about a SO etc).

 

While there could be a million theories behind her decision, I think it was just that she got bored with the relationship due to living together, me being clingy/reactant towards her actions and all. I've heard a lot that men tend to think more with logic than emotion and girls vice versa, so I could see where her emotions were at; she felt she needed excitement and her answer was being single. She wants to remain friends and all for the comfort while still having that excitement being single. Is it wrong for her to want that given what happened?

 

A lot has been going through my head and I recognize the mistakes I have made and have been working to ensure that regardless of the relationship I am in next, I don't repeat those mistakes. However, I would like to pose the question as to whether or not I should take her back if she realizes her mistake?

 

On one hand, I want to forgive her because it was a tough part in the relationship where I graduated, was long distance and we didn't recently have that same connection due to the aforementioned problems. Her emotions got the better of her and she wanted to seek excitement when she felt things weren't going to work out. She was upfront with me and still has feelings for me, but would her decision to end it for those reasons warrant forgiveness? if we did get back together, It would be a new relationship where my own personal growth and recognition of past mistakes would prevent a recurrence of the same "feelings" that brought it down the last time. Also, the communication for if/when things take a wrong turn would have to be improved and that is something I'd have to mention at the start.

 

On the other hand, should I not take her back. Some would say she just gave up on trying, which is true. She did. Rather than recognizing her emotions and the logic behind them, she let her emotions drive her to make a decision. Me inserting logic only drove her further away and she made the decision to be single and "enjoy college" (we all know what that means). She gave up even when I wanted to work things out. Would she be likely to dump me again if another dull period transpired when we got back together somewhere down the road? I surely wouldn't want that to happen. Would she only come back once she realized I was the best she had? Or would she come back when she gets dumped and takes me for her second place prize? Or would she finally just realize she missed me enough and was foolish to do it?

 

I am a mathematical theorist for a living so I tend to think too much into things and think of every possible occasion. Perhaps all of you can help me with your experiences and relationship knowledge to help me understand my thoughts. If nothing else, I'd like for this to serve as a discussion on the thoughts behind a dumpee taking back a dumper and the pros/cons + experiences everyone has had.

 

EDIT: Let me add by saying that I am in NC right now and am working on myself. I don't necessarily prey on waiting for my ex to come back, but I am posing this thread for if that instance does occur so I can be prepared.

Edited June 23, 2016 by runup

[chatter]

As a recent college grad who lived with her X for two years during college it was really freaking tough. I lost friends, I felt tied down, but at the same time I had the security of being with someone who was committed and loved me and had my back through anything. It was a time to grow together.

 

Any time during college I think it would be really naive to think that you have the emotional maturity to have a solid healthy relationship while in an atmosphere that isn't the pillar of success for couples. To this day I wonder what I missed out on and it makes me sad knowing I left friendships slip because I was so committed to my X. So during college there is a roller coaster of emotions and I think it is slightly unfair that you expected her to be 100% confident and solid. Nothing in college at that time in life is 100% solid and to ask someone to be totally and completely in touch with every feeling and know the exact meaning when all you can really think about is your next hw assignment and test, what I'm eating for lunch and what I want to wear and what laundry I need to do. I think what you expected is a bit much.

 

Everyone matures differently and at different rates looking back I see where I lacked emotionally and I think you should give her a second chance and be her safe haven. Everyone deserves a second chance. I know her wishy washy attitude may have scared you off a little but shes in a time of her life where shes really not living life. Granted me and my X were college athletes and had jobs and I'm mature enough to admit that I didn't have everything figured out and certain emotions like courage when facing adversity and weren't as strong as I needed to them be because I didn't have enough life experience.

 

Give your girl time we all have nothing but time and if you're on here looking for advice about a girl you clearly love I vote for round two and if it burns you well you have nothing but time to heal and find someone at a time in your life where at least 90% positive on life choices can be found.

[runup]

In regards to giving her time, I am working on myself at the moment. I don't know if she will contact me within the first month of NC, but given our relationship and the mature way we ended things, I would reply to her NC (short and sweet). After a month of NC, should I continue NC and wait for her to make the move? Or should I break NC and sort of build an emotional relation with her so that she is 1. reminded of our past fun experiences and 2. she is reminded why we worked so well together in the first place.

 

I would have to subtly let her know that I have learned a lot from my experiences, not directly stating it, but more so just displaying it.

Being long distance, if we were to move things forward it would be hard to meet up for...say coffee. Anyone been in the experience of rekindling a romantic relationship long distance?