sunny122 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I have typed up this post before, then deleted it out of guilt. But I'm feeling scared, sad, and at my wit's end, and really need someone to talk to about this. My husband has near-chronic bad breath. It doesn't stink up a whole room, but it is definitely noticeable if you lean near him. I usually don't want to kiss him anymore, except on those rare days when his breath doesn't smell. If we do kiss, it's a passionless peck. Our sex life has also gone belly up, which is a shame, as we both have high sex drives. But bad breath is a huge, huge turnoff. I can't get aroused if his breath is bad, nor can I stomach making out. It occurred to me that I'm avoiding sex, even though I miss the days when we were more intimate. My husband didn't always have bad breath. During the earlier part of the relationship, it was fine (except for normal morning breath, etc. that all of us get). Back then, there was a lot of kissing, sex, and intimacy. But over the past couple of years, it has worsened. I finally had to say something to him. I have brought it up repeatedly since, despite my fear of hurting his feelings, because I want him to be aware that this issue is persisting. He blames it on mucus from his allergies and also says I must have a very sensitive nose. The last time the topic came up, he finally got hurt and offended, saying that there is nothing he can do about his allergies or bad breath. I'm sorry, but I just want the problem fixed. He hasn't been to a doctor regarding this issue; he has just used band-aid solutions such as mints and toothpaste (and sometimes I can still smell the stench right after he brushes his teeth!) He brushes once daily, but refuses to floss. And no, he hasn't been to a dentist either: he's terrified of dentists, and I found out over time that he hasn't been to a dentist in many years. I have pressed the issue of going to a dentist, because I'm also just scared for his health. I'm worried that the breath is being caused by an untreated dental problem, which he denies. He mentioned a while ago he was looking into sedation dentists, but hasn't made a single appointment. Scare tactics haven't worked. He also mentioned he's scared a dentist will be expensive, but when I told him it will only get more expensive if he waits, that didn't motivate him to go either. I feel like I should have more sympathy for his dental phobia, but I'm having trouble feeling sympathetic. I find the dentist unpleasant but I go because I know it's important for my health. And if someone told me I had halitosis (especially if my sex life was going downhill), I'd make a beeline to a dentist or ENT. So I guess I'm just frustrated that he isn't seeking help, as well as being fed up with the breath itself. I'm not sure what my best option is at this point. He's a great guy and I love him very much. I don't want to divorce him (especially not over something as petty-sounding as bad breath). But our marriage is probably already suffering due to the bedroom issues. I've considered withholding sex (or maybe even refusing to kiss him) until he gets to a dentist, but I'm not sure if that's too cruel to do to someone with a phobia. And it might just make things worse. I've also considered some kind of ultimatum, but I'm scared of how stressful and painful that would be, and am scared an ultimatum could damage our marriage. Another option I considered: accepting that he may never go to a doctor or dentist or fix his breath, and resigning myself to unpleasant sex for the rest of my life to keep him happy. Any words of support or wisdom appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Find a sedation dentist, make the appointment, and tell him when it is. Tell him not to worry about the cost because his health is worth it. Ask if he wants you to go with him for support. If he misses that appointment, make one with a marriage counselor. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 You poor thing, how unfair that you are expected to just tolerate it. Bad breath or rotten teeth are one of the biggest sexual turn offs you can get. You're very patient, I would have started wearing a mask to bed to give him the hint, and bugger his hurt feelings. I'd be giving him the ultimatum, start flossing to remove rotting food particles from his teeth, and get to a dentist before this becomes a divorce issue. Other things which can cause foul breath are intestinal disorders, clogged liver, or, scariest of all, some types of cancer. If his breath smells like rotting flesh, you need to make him go to a doctor. If it just turns out to be poor personal hygiene then you have every right to be getting peeved and demanding he do something about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Dental infections and not flossing, tongue needs to be brushed too... He should also see a dentist every 6 months to get the tarter scraped off and the gumline cleaned. Get him to a dentist and tell him how to floss.. even flossing with those floss picks is better than no flossing at all.. oh.. and it isn't his allergies or mucus.. unless of course he has an infection like a cold.. those are known as excuses.. it could be a dental infection too and those don't always have to hurt.. it can be a low grade under the gum infection.. If he is on a carb free diet then it could be ketosis 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunny122 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 Find a sedation dentist, make the appointment, and tell him when it is. Tell him not to worry about the cost because his health is worth it. Ask if he wants you to go with him for support. If he misses that appointment, make one with a marriage counselor. I'll offer to go with him for support. I'm not sure that dentist's offices would let me make an appointment for another person, but I'll look into it. At this point, I might be forced to issue an ultimatum to make him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunny122 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 You poor thing, how unfair that you are expected to just tolerate it. Bad breath or rotten teeth are one of the biggest sexual turn offs you can get. You're very patient, I would have started wearing a mask to bed to give him the hint, and bugger his hurt feelings. I'd be giving him the ultimatum, start flossing to remove rotting food particles from his teeth, and get to a dentist before this becomes a divorce issue. Other things which can cause foul breath are intestinal disorders, clogged liver, or, scariest of all, some types of cancer. If his breath smells like rotting flesh, you need to make him go to a doctor. If it just turns out to be poor personal hygiene then you have every right to be getting peeved and demanding he do something about it. Thanks for the reassurance that it's not wrong to be SO turned off and disgusted by this. I am a patient person who does put up with a lot, and I had been trying to look at all his good qualities (there are many) to try to outweigh the breath. But it's obviously hitting us hard in the area of intimacy and I stress out worrying about his teeth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunny122 Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 Dental infections and not flossing, tongue needs to be brushed too... He should also see a dentist every 6 months to get the tarter scraped off and the gumline cleaned. Get him to a dentist and tell him how to floss.. even flossing with those floss picks is better than no flossing at all.. oh.. and it isn't his allergies or mucus.. unless of course he has an infection like a cold.. those are known as excuses.. it could be a dental infection too and those don't always have to hurt.. it can be a low grade under the gum infection.. If he is on a carb free diet then it could be ketosis He's not dieting, so I doubt it's ketosis. I worry about things like gum disease too, and while I've heard that sinus drainage can cause some pretty pungent breath, I've gotten skeptical about his allergies causing it... he's had allergies the whole time we've been together, but hasn't had this issue the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 (edited) It's not allergies! If he hasn't seen a dentist in some indeterminate time, most likely it's caused by bad decay. It's a distinctive, heinous smell that's nothing like morning breath! All the mouthwash, toothpaste and floss in the world won't fix that. As you mentioned they're simply Band-Aids slapped on an abscess. The root problem needs to be addressed. Don't feel bad. No way, could I kiss someone with that smell emanating from their mouth. I wouldn't even get directly in front of them as they talked. I stand to the side as they speak, which lets me avoid the odious smell. Edited June 23, 2016 by angel.eyes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I'll offer to go with him for support. I'm not sure that dentist's offices would let me make an appointment for another person, but I'll look into it. At this point, I might be forced to issue an ultimatum to make him go. You can make an appointment for anyone. People make appointments for their spouses/kids/elderly parents all the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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