How to cope [Updated]

[Echo1334]

So I did a little bit of quick browsing and it seems like my story is actually a bit different from a majority. Also hopefully I dont get bashed for the choices I have made.

For starters I deal with psychological issues, I wont go into what they are but I have been hospitalized on a couple occasions. Last december I was having a really hard time and then found out that my father had passed which put me into a really bad situation. My case manager decided to put me in a 2 week long housing place instead of the hospital. It was there that I met him, the tech that would later become my partner. We instantly clicked and it was so easy to talk to him. I felt like I could tell him anything and I did. We flirted on occasion and I was drawn to him romantically and sexually very quickly. He had also mentioned that he had a girlfriend and talked a bit about her, wasnt hiding her nor talking to much about her.

Around when it was time for me to leave he gave me his phone number in case I needed anything and I figured since he was so easy to approach id save it just in case. A month later I hadnt contacted him but went into another bad spot and contacted him asking about the number for the local help line. Ended up back in the hospital at a different location but texted him when I got out. He suggested that we meet up the next day at a park and we did.

We spent hours talking and a bit of flirting. That night he texted saying he had feelings for me an what were my thoughts. My first thought was to say yes of course then I remembered him talking about a girlfriend and asked if he was still in a relationship with her which he denied. We dated and were happy up until last saturday. There were times that he would disappear but I always belived it, needing space, having his phone stolen (very possible at a place where he works) and then the last one which ended up with him admitting the truth.

He texted me saturday evening saying that he has a girlfriend of almost a year, she knows and this will be his last contact with me. I asked him why and he told me he was blocking my number. I was devestated and thankfully was talking to people in a game I was playing at the time when one of them noticed I sounded sad over our voice program. I talked to her about the situation and found out that she had been a therapist. She suggested that I let someone know about what had happened to ensure that he doesnt do it to other more vulnerable women. I gave it thought and realized that he had mentioned while I was at the facility that he had a history of cheating which I assumed by the use of had was in the past tense. This also made me realize that if this is something he does than it is quite likely that he could do this to another patient and the next one might not be as emotionally stable and able to live with it. So I reported.

A part of me knows I made the right call but a part of me keeps daydreaming about talking to him even as a friend, him leaving her, so many thoughts. I keep wondering why, why me, why not choose me over her, why did he lie, how much of what he said was the truth, did he care or was I just there for sexual intimacy, why risk his career since he is very smart yet what he did was highly unethical, did he ever plan on telling me or her or was he caught, all those questions. I feel devestated and Ive read his text so many times that I swear Ive memorized it by heart but I keep rereading it maybe hoping that the words will change maybe hoping it will be a lie, I dont know. How do you deal with this? Have any of you found answers for the questions that werent provided or learned how to deal with the lack of answers?

Edited June 23, 2016 by Echo1334

[WisdomOverEmotion]

Firstly, I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you.

I know very well what is like have mental health issues.

What makes me sad about this story is that he knew you were a vulnerable adult and didn't think what impact this would have on you. But it doesn't surprise me.

 

Things do get better, in time. I'm still in that process myself, but the pain does ease and and your healing process turns into nothing but wisdom, for your future.

 

You deserve someone to take care of you, look after you and put you first.

 

I'm sorry I'm not much help. I'm still healing too.

 

Stay strong. Sounds like you've endured a lot but you've got this. There are people who are here for you. So let it all out.

 

Take care

[Echo1334]

Thanks and I know it will get better. Any tips for the recovery process? I see my therapist tomorrow and hopefully hell have ideas but maybe others that have been in my shoes will have some too.

Why does it not surprise you? Hes great at what he does, hes wonderful at getting people to open up. It surprises me that with him knowing that if we were to be found out and he couldnt prove he had made a fair judgement of the situation that he could loose his ability to work there that he still did it. If it had just been a regular relationship I wouldnt have reported it but it wasnt so I did. Do you ever feel terrible for being the OW/M? I know that technically I was cheated on to but still I was the one intruding in his girls space and she was there first so Im still the OW. Any tips or new ways to see that?

[anika99]

I think it's not surprising because there are a lot of men who do prey on needy vulnerable women. It's especially not surprising of your MM because he openly admitted to having a history of cheating. He is a serial cheat who gets of on the chasing and the conquest of women. He probably doesn't think he is doing it maliciously, he is just selfish about getting his needs for excitement and romance met. If his gf forgives him he will likely be telling some other sad woman about his "feelings" for her. Not to say that he doesn't have feelings but his feelings are shallow and all about making himself feel good.

 

 

You did the right thing in reporting him. Now you just got to get through the grieving of the man you thought he was.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Echo1334, it sickened me to read what this man did to you. I'm so very sorry you've been through this but I want to tell you from my perspective this guy's very sleazy.

 

I believe given time and distance from him you'll begin to see him the same way.

 

You're looking for ways to get beyond the feelings you have. Whenever anyone on LS is looking for ways to get over an ex I always recommend Bible reading and prayer for them, as a way to get to know Jesus Christ. Very few seem interested but I share that just because if you are interested, that can be a way for your emotions to change far more quickly than they would otherwise. If you're not interested in your place I'd consider how you'd evaluate him as a person if a friend of yours told you about him and how he'd treated her. This may help you to distance your emotions from the situation more quickly, imho.

[ChickiePops]

Waaaaiiiit a second. This man preyed on you when you were in a halfway house? Are you aware of how illegal that is??

 

Please call his supervisors immediately! He should be fired at the very least, and imprisoned if the legal system works.

 

This is disgusting, and I'm so sorry you've been through it. You deserve so much more.

[WisdomOverEmotion]

Thanks and I know it will get better. Any tips for the recovery process? I see my therapist tomorrow and hopefully hell have ideas but maybe others that have been in my shoes will have some too.

Why does it not surprise you? Hes great at what he does, hes wonderful at getting people to open up. It surprises me that with him knowing that if we were to be found out and he couldnt prove he had made a fair judgement of the situation that he could loose his ability to work there that he still did it. If it had just been a regular relationship I wouldnt have reported it but it wasnt so I did. Do you ever feel terrible for being the OW/M? I know that technically I was cheated on to but still I was the one intruding in his girls space and she was there first so Im still the OW. Any tips or new ways to see that?

 

First of all and most importantly is nc what so ever. No looking on his social media if he has it or anything to do with him. I know he blocked you but just in case there is a way to contact each other. If you find the thoughts of him are too much, come here. Read stories of those with the experience. Write how you feel, we are here for support. There are so very wise people on here who have helped me a lot.

 

It doesn't surprise me because there are so many men and even women, who take advantage of vulnerable people. He may have those good qualities you say he possesses, but what he done is wrong and you are very brave for reporting it.

 

Yes there is guilt. Guilt is part of the healing process. It puts you in bs shoes. But you must realise he is really the guilty one. He took advantage of you, knowing its wrong in many forms. Do not blame yourself entirely. You are dealing with a man who clearly has a lot of serious issues.

[Lobe]

I think you did the right thing by reporting him - a serial cheater preying on vulnerable patients sounds like a bad movie plot. What he did is despicable and reprehensible. Let the authorities investigate him. My only concern is that if he knows it was you and you are readmitted,will you be able to ensure that he is not the tech on ward?

 

On the matter of why he didn't pick you, well - because he never planned to. Even if he did care about you, he cared more about making sure he didn't lose his girlfriend.

 

I suggest you not bother rationalizing his choice or waste energy trying to understand it. It's not a deficit in you that caused him to betray his partner or to pick her over you - that's his character deficit. The guys sounds like a total creep. Do you really want to win him? That's like entering a razor blade swallowing contest and the prize is a bucket of lemonade.

 

Tell your therapist you feel used and disappointed and you need ideas for healthy distraction. Don't invest any more time or energy than this asshat deserves.

 

NC NC NC

[Echo1334]

Anika- Yeah I guess depending on how long and frequently hes been doing this it would be a form of self-destructive addiction (which he has mental issues too and "former" addiction problems). Hes just replaced alcohol with women and the pursuit. I think the reconciling of who he really is with what i thought is the hardest part, I fell and hard. He told me so many things. Whats true what isnt? Who is he really? Why would a smart man be so stupid?

 

LivingWaterPlease- I really hope your right and if I have to be honest with myself I think you are Im just not ready to admit it even to myself yet. I think I will reconnect with my faith and pursue it further even if it isnt the one you suggested. Perhaps its just a belief in something higher than us that helps. I will also start trying to see myself in the shoes of a friend whenever I get to sad that is a great idea.

 

ChickiePops- I was aware getting into it that it was considered unethical but things are also a grey scale when it comes to mental health more then physical healthcare. Since they havent asked me for the proof I have either they havent digged very far, hes fully admitted everything, or they are fully taking his story over mine. I seriously hope it isnt the last. I wouldnt have even chosen to notify anyone if it would have been a normal relationship with a normal breakup and whatnot. If I had even going into A willingly I wouldnt have done anything. But everything that he has done has shown that he lacks the ethics, morals, and proper judgement required of his position. Think of the company he works for and Im a client for as a huge company with different departments, I contacted as far up in my department that I could and my contact probably had to contact his boss idk how long it will take I just hope in the end i know what was done but i have no idea if I ever will.

 

WisdomOverEmotion- Thats gonna be tough the absolute NC, I keep checking his facebook even though we arent friends, my email, every way he could still contact me hoping for something. Ill definitely try to come here to help channel those thoughts and desires though, they are probably self-destructive in the end. Thanks for saying Im brave, I feel so guilty somedays knowing I could very well have ruined his life but I guess in a way he did it himself. I also hate knowing that even if I wanted to be friends with him theres no chance now. In the months that we dated he bcame my best support system, I hate that it is completely gone.

 

Lobe- No and that is both a worry of mine and a daydream depending on my mental state at the moment. There are multiple places I could go but I think its just as likely that theyll change where hes located as fire him. Until and unless I found out the end result itll be a russian roulette whenever I get hospitalized hether hell be there or not. I know I shouldnt analyze but Im the type of person that knowledge helps set me free so theres a part of me that thinks if I can understand this maybe itll help me move on. A part of me still wants him regardless stupidly believing that maybe I could make it work with him even if that meant being one of those uptight checking his phone untrusting girlfriends. THen another part knows that at this point all he can bring me is pain.

[Echo1334]

I saw my counselor today. It was mostly me talking and while that did help me I hoped to have some more input from him. I guess I just really needed to talk. Only thing he said that helped a bit was that hes going to see if he can track down who is in charge of the investigation and see if they wouldnt mind if I called them. He seems to think that I shouldnt delete anything or get rid of any of his stuff thats in my place. I hate to think that hes right but Id be even more mad if I threw something away that needed to be kept. To be honest Ive been having a really hard past couple of hours so close to breaking NC by emailing him asking him for answers, begging him to take me back. I keep hoping that hell visit since idk if he remembers any other way to contact me. I konw these are all false hopes, not only did he leave me but I got him into huge trouble. Still the thoughts are there. I just wish I could shake them.

[13Hearts]

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by reporting him, and by cutting ties with him. What he did was more than unethical, it was immoral and predatory. I applaud you for taking steps to protect others from him.

 

What has helped me in the past to deal with this type of hurt and confusion is to learn as much as I can about how and why people do the effed-up things they do, that cause me so much pain. There is a man who has written several books about people like this, people with character disorders. I suggest you Google him and get one of his books. His name is George Simon, PhD, and he has a website. The first book I read of his, which was so helpful to me, is called In Sheep's Clothing. I got it off Amazon. Check him out, and empower yourself with knowledge!

 

Take care.

[Echo1334]

13Hearts thank you so much for the recommendation! I am very much the type of person that wants to know and understand. I even have mentioned multiple times to different people including my counselor that just understanding would help so much. I will for sure check out that book recommendation!

[Echo1334]

So yesterday I met up with my psych units site supervisor. They couldnt tell me much directly but I worded questions in such a way that I got some answers. So as soon as I reported he was put on leave. Apparently the investigation didnt take long, couldnt disclose to me what exactly happened. However from the sounds of it he has been fired and because the company will be in his work history it will be hard for him to find a job in the field. A part of me feels glad that I have ensured this wont happen to any other more vulnerable women. Then another part of me feels terrible because I dont know how hell be able to find another job and he was so good at what he did (I know part of what made him so dangerous) and that part of me that Im fighting so hard against feels terrible because more than likely he hates me now. I still really want to message him and still check my email in hopes/afraid that hes messaged me. I hear a knock on my door and hope/fear that its him. Ive been sleeping a ton and my therapist recomended playing video games as females or watching movies or shows with leading tough females to regain my empowerment. Ive been doing that too. Then theres moments that I just feel so close to giving up on everything. I know its a process but I just want to be at the finish line already.

[pooldog]

Sorry you had pain and that he clearly overstepped his bounds in his job capacity. It is likely he felt some attraction and then changed his mind. It does not matter why he changed it. He just did.

 

I would definitely talk it through with the therapist and do whatever it takes for you to feel better again.

 

When you are ready, you should read some good dating books. In this day and age you have to date a lot to find the one. Men are often having sex with multiple women and hooking up because that is fun for them and they can do it. Until a man courts you and takes you to dinner and asks for your exclusivity and earns it, you should assume he has a bunch on the string. You should set a goal before you date there is no right or wrong - do you want a beautiful exclusive relationship? Go on dates, spend time getting to know them, and do not give too much time, intimacy or exclusivity to a man until he earns it and asks for it. You get what you negotiate not what you want or think you will deserve. The best book to read is called "he is just not that into you" plus there are a plethora of dating sites that have advice. It is just an awareness thing for a social process.

 

You can't expect to have a conversation, hook up, and then wonder what happened when he goes off to someone else because you did not manage it well even though you thought you did and you meant well. I think that is how a lot of affairs start and it is all a slippery slope. It is so easy to do unless you get educated on the process. But you came back here and you have a therapist so now you will do much better next time.

 

And we will be cheering you on!

 

The OW is only fun in the beginning when he is chasing you and promising you a world he cannot deliver. Then you learn that is not so good. As we have all done! I am back to dating to find the one. And it is hard work. But it will be worth it.

 

Thanks and I know it will get better. Any tips for the recovery process? I see my therapist tomorrow and hopefully hell have ideas but maybe others that have been in my shoes will have some too.

Why does it not surprise you? Hes great at what he does, hes wonderful at getting people to open up. It surprises me that with him knowing that if we were to be found out and he couldnt prove he had made a fair judgement of the situation that he could loose his ability to work there that he still did it. If it had just been a regular relationship I wouldnt have reported it but it wasnt so I did. Do you ever feel terrible for being the OW/M? I know that technically I was cheated on to but still I was the one intruding in his girls space and she was there first so Im still the OW. Any tips or new ways to see that?