I like someone in a different country but... [UPDATE afraid girlfriend is in danger]

[Cordath]

So

Alright, here's the deal. I live in Canada, I'

m

seventeen and just graduated high school. There's this girl I met through deviantART who lives in Wales who is 16.

 

Now, I've known her for a couple of years, but we've only texted on and off due to the time zones and whatnot, but when we do talk (aka text), we talk for hours on end. (Shes around 7 hours ahead of me.) We've never actually video called over skype because, as she admits, she's not brave enough to do

so

. More on this later. Over that period, I'd be lying if I said I haven't developed feelings for her. We have an insane amount of things in common, and she is one of the only people I feel I can actually relate to and speak to openly without hiding anything, besides my parent's of course, and she's said the same of me, saying that she really appreciates my company and is grateful for having me around. She does suffer from some social anxiety, and I've managed to help her through some particularly difficult situations. It doesn't help matters that she doesn't have a very high opinion of herself or her appearance, and is in a constant state of believing that she is an annoyance. In truth, getting a text message from her is like waking up on Christmas day (please forgive the cheese). Now, a while ago, she sent me this message:

 

"Ok, it's fine if you hate me after telling you this, or find me awkward, but I shouldn't not tell you about this, even if it was a while ago.

 

I kinda used to have a crush on you... >///>

I'

m

sorry.

B-but I pulled myself together!

It's a habit I understand if you hate me for this, it's just, bleh."

 

I responded, saying that I had a crush on her as well, but that I too had gotten over it, which of course was a complete lie.

So

now, about half a year later, we've begun texting more regularly. Unfortunately, she has a habit of not responding to a message, (even if I follow up,) for days on end. Just nothing at all. I've asked her about it, and she's said that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and that she's actually scared of me taking offense and not talking to her again. She says that it's her schedule and all the stuff she has going on, and I completely believe her.

 

Unfortunately, this whole thing of her not texting back for days drives me nuts as I have no idea if she has read the message or not, and I don't know if I should send her another text message to get her attention. She's said if she doesn't respond to just spam her, but that doesn't seem all that mature and also makes me come off as needy. I've shot some compliments her way, and she's given me some as well, saying she admires the fact of how I empathize

so

strongly with others or saying that she likes how confident I am in myself. (I should point out that I am indeed confident in myself and my abilities, just not when it comes to people.) I'

m

not anti-social. I have friends. I am just terrible at reading people over text. I can't get the thought out of my head that if I still have feelings for her, there could be a chance she still has feelings for me as well. Unfortunately, I tend to over analyze things, and often times will blow a perfectly simple situation way out of proportion.

 

Sometime next year, I've decided to take a trip to the UK and spend a couple of weeks in Wales to visit her, and check out the area. She is one-hundred percent on board with the idea of me visiting, her being the one who proposed thought in the first place. I don't really know if I should say anything about liking her before then, or while I am there even. She is going to Florida over the summer which means that we will be in similar time-zones, and we're planning on actually skyping then, or hopefully sooner. Unfortunately, it is dang hard for me to figure out how to initiate a call, what with the previously stated 'lack of texts'. I send a message, nothing. Two days later, she responds. and we talk for hours on end. And I try to come up with creative ways to call, but they never pan out, either because she doesn't answer the call or I talk myself out of it. I've scared enough people off with seeming needy by double texting, and I certainly don't want that to happen here.

 

I should also note that it is usually me who initiates the conversation. She doe's it sometimes, but it is usually me. It's hard for me to attribute her not starting conversations to her not wanting to talk, mainly because of what she has said in the past about her fear of scaring me off . I feel it's more likely that it's just her social anxiety/schedule/time zone that is getting in the way, but I can't say for sure. She is honestly one of the most relatable and awesome people that I have ever met, and I seriously don't want to have the friendship ruined by me making some social blunder as I tend to do. Any attempt I've made at getting into a relationship with someone in the past has crashed and burned. I come off as too needy, too friendly, or too engaged. It's not that I am, it's that that is my everyday personality.

 

It should be known that this isn't a case where I have no idea what she looks like. We've swapped photos and videos before, and I can safely say that she is very pretty. I am also aware that people can hit it off over text, but the whole thing goes flat in person. And as we have never actually called, I'

m

fully aware that this could be the possibility.

 

I don't know if the ship has sailed on us having a chance, if the opportunity has yet to present itself, or if it even makes sense. Or hell! If it's right there in front of me and I'

m

not seeing it! What do I do?! I realize that a lot of the emotions I'

m

experiencing right now are more than likely teenage hormone junk, but I honestly feel sick much of the time not knowing what her feelings towards me are. I've tried to push my feelings for her away multiple times, but they keep on coming back. And if you're wondering why I still haven't called, it's mainly a mixture of personal fear and worrying that I'll screw something up as I have done in the past. Obviously, I cant know for sure unless I do it,

so

that's something I need to overcome.

 

Any thoughts? Thank you

~Cordath

Edited February 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[ExpatInItaly]

Before going much further, can I clarify you have never seen her live on webcam? Or heard her voice? (Sorry if I missed these details somewhere in your post)

 

In what medium did you exchange photos and videos?

[Cordath]

Before going much further, can I clarify you have never seen her live on webcam? Or heard her voice?

 

In what medium did you exchange photos and videos?

 

Yes, you're right. We haven't skyped as of yet for 4 (some admittedly stupid) reasons.

1. Social anxiety on her part.

2. Feeling as if I need some reason to call, or risk coming off as needy

3. Fearing that I could make some sort of blunder and ruin the friendship.

4. She just hasn't answered if I call.

 

Obviously, some of these are totally invalid, but they hold more weight in my instinctual mind than my logical mind.

Videos/photos exchanged are mostly random stuff. Selfies taken on hikes, around town, playing instruments ect ect. Because of these, I DO know what she sounds like, and she me.

[Emilia]

Obviously, some of these are totally invalid, but they hold more weight in my instinctual mind than my logical mind.

Well you certainly need to quit thinking like this.

 

She is just a chick, there are plenty in your own country. You most definitely need to listen to reason.

 

The fact that you have not seen any sort of live footage of her but only recorded is a big give away.

[central]

Do you have ANY concrete evidence that she is who she says she is, and not - perhaps - a guy? (And that could be why 'she' won't Skype.)

 

 

In some ways, it doesn't matter since you are unlikely to meet anytime soon, and at most can just be friends for now. The truth is that you're building a phantom relationship with no foundation. You'd be far better off dating locally. If nothing else, the experience will prepare you should you ever get a chance to meet in person.

[Cordath]

Do you have ANY concrete evidence that she is who she says she is, and not - perhaps - a guy? (And that could be why 'she' won't Skype.)

 

 

In some ways, it doesn't matter since you are unlikely to meet anytime soon, and at most can just be friends for now. The truth is that you're building a phantom relationship with no foundation. You'd be far better off dating locally. If nothing else, the experience will prepare you should you ever get a chance to meet in person.

 

That makes sense. I'll just let you know what I've said to others, and what my situation is locally.

 

The main reason I have no interest in a relationship here where I live is that I find it hard to believe that there is one to be had. I'm introverted as hell, so most people drain me as apposed to give me energy. I've met 2 people in my lifetime that actually energize me as opposed to drain me. Everyone else I've met in this town who is my age is unattractive (in my opinion of course), lewd, has a habit of making every 2nd word out of their mouth some sort of profanity, sleeping around, leading people on, drinking profusely, and doing all of the things I don't do. That's everyone I met in high school summed up. Anyone who wasn't that was already in a relationship because they are, understandably, one in a million around here. There's a reason people call me an old soul. It's because older people are the only people I can actually relate to. It's not as if I haven't attempted to get into a relationship here. I have, but I'm so unlike everyone else all my attempts have been failures.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to be very careful here. There are a lot warning signs that this girl isn't who she claims to be.

 

Selfies and recorded videos can be taken from anyone. They are not proof of the sender's identity. For all you know, you could be communicating with a middle-aged man who is sending you pics of his teenage niece and claiming to be her. The same goes for videos.

 

You are so afraid of making a "mistake" that you have allowed the fear to cloud your logical judgment. There is a reason this person is avoiding communicating with you live on the phone or webcam.

[Emilia]

That makes sense. I'll just let you know what I've said to others, and what my situation is locally.

 

The main reason I have no interest in a relationship here where I live is that I find it hard to believe that there is one to be had. I'm introverted as hell, so most people drain me as apposed to give me energy. I've met 2 people in my lifetime that actually energize me as opposed to drain me. Everyone else I've met in this town who is my age is unattractive (in my opinion of course), lewd, has a habit of making every 2nd word out of their mouth some sort of profanity, sleeping around, leading people on, drinking profusely, and doing all of the things I don't do. That's everyone I met in high school summed up. Anyone who wasn't that was already in a relationship because they are, understandably, one in a million around here. There's a reason people call me an old soul. It's because older people are the only people I can actually relate to. It's not as if I haven't attempted to get into a relationship here. I have, but I'm so unlike everyone else all my attempts have been failures.

You need to start making plans to move away then. The answer isn't to look at romantic possibilities thousands of miles away out of your reach.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes, you're right. We haven't skyped as of yet for 4 (some admittedly stupid) reasons.

1. Social anxiety on her part.

2. Feeling as if I need some reason to call, or risk coming off as needy

3. Fearing that I could make some sort of blunder and ruin the friendship.

4. She just hasn't answered if I call.

 

Obviously, some of these are totally invalid, but they hold more weight in my instinctual mind than my logical mind.

Videos/photos exchanged are mostly random stuff. Selfies taken on hikes, around town, playing instruments ect ect. Because of these, I DO know what she sounds like, and she me.

No, you don't know what 'she' sounds like at all.

 

When they avoid going on Skype with you for LAME feeble reasons, there's a reason for it. And that reason is more than likely because she's not the person she wants you to think she is. And I say 'she' loosely because you have NO IDEA whether you're talking to some mouth-breather who lives in his mother's basement or some overweight middle-aged married woman caught up in some fantasy.

 

You, young man, are being cat-fished.

[smackie9]

If I were you I wouldn't invest my feelings for someone unless they do face time with me. Suggest to her if she wants to take this to the next level that she needs to do face time with you and video chat. If she refuses then you really don't have much of a relationship then.

 

I agree with the others, without skype what do you really have?? Possible fat hairy guy, some 40 year old woman, ugly girl, 11 year old girl, who knows. You are setting yourself up for some kind of trouble.

[Els]

Known each other for 2 years and still no skype (or equivalent)?!? Yeah, I generally support LDRs, but you really don't have anything here. "She" might not even be who she claims to be.

[Cordath]

Hi

 

So my girlfriend lives in Wales, and I'm in Canada. I finished high school last year and she's still got a year abd a half left.

This morning she messaged me that there was a guy who threatened to pin her down on a dare from his friends, and one of my gf's friends heard about it and hid her.

This guy is unbelievably desperate for a relationship. Like, even after she told him straight up that she wasn't interested, he kept messaging her.

My gf is EXTREMELY sensitive as shes been diagnosed with borderline personality, and is prone to panic attacks.

In her general life, she really only has one real friend. The other people who claim to be her friends didn't do anything when they heard what that creep had said, and they're rarely there for her when she needs them. They usually just laugh.

The teachers are just as immature. Much of the time they just laugh along with the students.

Her parents are rarely there for her too, mostly because of life stress, but having also gone so far as to call her a "mistake" and "the worst daughter ever" before.

What can I do??? I'm seriously beginning to panic what with being so far away.

I suggested buying some pepper spray, but I don't know if that's illegal or not.

If it keeps up, I'm going to message that desperate creep and his friends, but I'm afraid that that will just make them go farther.

 

Help, please

Edited February 7, 2017 by Cordath

[VeveCakes]

Have you met your gf?

 

I have a hard time believing this story - compounded with your gf having BPD. These types love drama, fights, attention etc. I have a hard time believing her family, friends and school all turn a blind eye to a dangerous guy. She needs to go to the police if she is really in danger. If she won't then ask her why?

 

Also, I know there is not a lot to go from, but being so young do not waste your life on this long distance relationship. Meet someone who you can spend actual physical time with. Long distance with borderline personality disorder =much drama stress and heart break.

[Whodatdog]

Hi

 

So my girlfriend lives in Wales, and I'm in Canada. I finished high school last year and she's still got a year abd a half left.

This morning she messaged me that there was a guy who threatened to pin her down on a dare from his friends, and one of my gf's friends heard about it and hid her.

This guy is unbelievably desperate for a relationship. Like, even after she told him straight up that she wasn't interested, he kept messaging her.

My gf is EXTREMELY sensitive as shes been diagnosed with borderline personality, and is prone to panic attacks.

In her general life, she really only has one real friend. The other people who claim to be her friends didn't do anything when they heard what that creep had said, and they're rarely there for her when she needs them. They usually just laugh.

The teachers are just as immature. Much of the time they just laugh along with the students.

Her parents are rarely there for her too, mostly because of life stress, but having also gone so far as to call her a "mistake" and "the worst daughter ever" before.

What can I do??? I'm seriously beginning to panic what with being so far away.

I suggested buying some pepper spray, but I don't know if that's illegal or not.

If it keeps up, I'm going to message that desperate creep and his friends, but I'm afraid that that will just make them go farther.

 

Help, please

 

Stop this. Just stop it. You know nothing about this person, whether its even a guy or a girl. You are so wrapped up in this story in your head that you havent given it any realistic thought.

 

If this person is really a girl and is really being threatened, she can call the police. All you know is what this person is feeding you, a person who wont even Skype with you, for all sorts of stupid reasons. For your own sanity, you need to cut this off.

[bluefeather]

You write very well for being only seventeen... better than some others who are older. So you seem smarter than some at things, but not so much in the area of relationships. But it's good that you're here, because this forum is for us to help each other with that. You sound like you created a personal torture chamber inside your head over obsession with an online persona. You have put this person on a pedestal, and that is always a mistake. Now you claim this person is your girlfriend... I doubt that. She has little connection to you, and you seem more as an online buddy.

 

The fact that a borderline personality disorder diagnosis was thrown in there is like pouring gasoline onto a fire. It wasn't even needed, but sh*t just got even more ridiculously intense than it needed to be. You are in danger of damaging a chunk of your life by continuing to fawn over this person. Everyone here has warned you.

 

Stop obsessing. Especially if you don't even skype with her.

[coolheadal]

How can you take all this seriously since you don't know who your talking to? How do you know she is who she is and where she lives. Until you skype or call her on the phone you just don't know who it is. Anyone can hide under the cloak of text. Why can't you see her is she on facebook or the other social media? How did you meet her off a dating site online? You talk like you really know this girl, but how can you know her you have even talk on the phone. Until you you lay eyes on her she's just a virtual girlfriend. You can't call her you can't see her red flags all over the screen. Is there no local girl near you that you have eye on. Because that would be a real girl instead of what you have now.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, have you talked to her on webcam since your last thread?

 

Have you been able to verify that anything she has told you about herself is true?

 

Because if the answer is no, then I strongly suspect you're being taken for one hell of a ride by whomever this person really is.

Edited February 7, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Els]

I really do not understand how you can take his/her words so seriously when you have never even had a virtual conference call with this person. As I said before, I generally support LDRs, even those who started apart, but this is absolute madness. There is NO genuine LDR in this day and age where the two people involved are capable of talking on webcam but just could not be bothered to do so for almost 3 years! I really hope you haven't wasted that much of your life on this person.

[madjac74]

Can we just stop this at "he's 17"?! Even myself in my wisest and oldest state might fall for a damsel in distress from another country especially after my divorce. I Chatted with what seemed like a lovely girl...then she needed money for her sick mom in Nigeria. sigh