Psychological Abuse?

[Blinkford]

I've been lurking. I'm an OW with a MM. I got myself into something I had no idea I was getting into. I just thought I was going to have a fun fling. I had no idea how hard it is. My MM sounds a lot like many here. I only get booty calls. He can go weeks without texting. He tries to control everything. He tells me he is not working his 2nd job, but I drive by and see his car there. He lied to me this week about a funeral, told me it was Monday, but the paper said it was Saturday. The lies are so easy to find, I'm not sure why he'd even bother. I don't care when the funeral was, I was concerned about his loss, so the lies aren't even warranted. I'm sensing that he likes for me to know that he is lying, to play out some drama maybe that he is used to from childhood?

 

Something happened last night and today that has me wondering. Yesterday he told me he wasn't sure if he was working today, but he would call me or text me if he was because he wanted me to stop by. Last night, I got a facebook request from his wife. I have talked to her maybe 3 times in 2 years. We are only acquaintances, so this request got me really worried. I figured I hear from him because I thought I might see him at his second job tomorrow. When I didn't hear from him by 9:30am, I texted him, asked him to call me when he could. He said "I'm running around, but I will call." "Running around" implies he is not at work. His work involves guarding a door, sitting at a desk. He is not allowed to leave the door to "run around." I sometimes go and keep him company, but have caught him lying about not being at work when he was. Then he lies more when I confront him. So, I'm wigged out about the FB request, figuring I'm going to add her, because I add everyone who asks, but I want to talk with him about it. He doesn't call to let me know if he is working. My friend works with him at this 2nd job, so I asked her who was sitting door that day. She names MM. I text him "Running around at work, are ya?" I get three texts about how he had all these meetings at the job today (untrue). And then a real nice text that says if I'm around, I should stop in. I text back "Whatever." Then I figure he doesn't care, doesn't deserve to give input on what I do with her fb request, so I accept the wifes fb friendship. I'm creeping on her page, looking at lots of photos of MM, then I'm suddenly kicked out. She unfriended me 10 minutes after I accepted. So now I'm really worried. Why would she add me and then immediately unfriend me? Sounds like a message. Are we busted?

 

I text him "Can you talk?". he says "in a bit." I know he is not home, and is likely able to talk if he wanted to because it takes 30 minutes to drive him and he'd only be 10 minutes into it. I text 2 hours later "You are killing me today" sorry, he can't talk, out with wife. So I go ahead and tell him why I want to talk. He told me previously not to text things, just to talk, but then he withholds phone calls. I was really stressed out about the fb request and unfriending, so I said "f it" and texted him about his wife's request. He tells me he was the one who added me as a FB friend the night before. I told him it came from his wifes account, not his. He says he must have been logged in as her and he will find out why she unfriended me. He doesn't text me anything. It occurs to me that she doesn't know my last name, that she might think it's the same as my sons, plus I look really different from when she met me, and she hadn't seen me that much, so maybe she didn't recognize me. So I text him a few hours later after not hearing from him "Maybe she didn't know who I was, doesn't know my last name is different" Then I get a text with the whole explanation, that she thought she was hacked and I need to stop texting him, that he talked with me about texting, etc, that all my contact today was really hard on him. The last text was all matter-of-fact. He knew the situation, had no care to mention it to me, to stop my worrying. I kept texting him, ignoring his shushes. I told him he should have called. He should have been upfront about working. He let Me worry all day when one 5-10 minute phone call would have handled it. He stopped responding.

 

It occurred to me that this could be a form of gaslighting or psychological abuse. My sister used to set up these scenarios that would cause people great worry, while she withheld information that would have eased their minds. He got both me and the wife with one stone. Is he taunting her with me? Could someone be that out of touch not to know they are logged into someone elses fb account? Seems unrealistic.

 

He taunted her before. The three of us went out to dinner. He told both of us where to sit. He sat next to me and had his leg against mine the whole dinner. They had to drive me home and when I got in his car, I said I liked the smell of cigars (I do). He laughed mockingly at his wife and said "Hear that"? I guess she complains about it. It was not comfortable.

 

I guess it doesn't matter. He is a jerk. I need to get over this. But I was wondering if this is what I am seeing here. He set up a whole scenario that made me worried all day and he did nothing to help ease my mind, though he knew everything was ok. Then he scolded me for texting him. I'm having a hard time imagining doing that to someone. Sex was good, as it always is with a MM. Not sure why it's taken me so long to understand that I'm being abused. I think he is having a hard time controlling me. I don't buy into the "don't text" edict either. No way this type of control freak could leave his phone out, unlocked, for anyone to see. I bet she doesn't even have the lock code. No way he'd take a chance like that with a disobedient OW like me.

 

I made him a real nice lunch last week, 4 course meal, enough for a couple lunches. Didn't get a response. When I asked him if he liked it, he said "You gave me three times more than I needed." I have gotten mad at him before and have tried to cut it off. Then he just loves that new chase, so it seems.

[CarrieT]

You know he lies to you. You know he manipulates you. You know he uses you.

 

What are you getting out of this that you are willing to stay and be abused?

[WisdomOverEmotion]

Wow. He sounds like a complete ass.

 

Yes I believe he is definitely playing games here. You know you're being abused, lied to and used. Don't you think you deserve better than this?

You know the answers. You know what to do next.

 

Get rid. Nasty man.

 

Easier said than done, but we are here to support that.

 

Free yourself

[Moxie Lady]

Why do women stay in situations like this? What on earth do you possibly see in him? The only positive thing you mentioned was the sex but hes not the only penis on earth. Go find one that isnt connected to a lying cheating slimy pathetic jerk.

 

Who cares why he is doing this? Just get out and stop worrying about it. I hope you do!

[Adoraxx]

Definitely abusive. It's what my xMM did often too. First he would contact me multiple days in a row, and then all of a sudden: NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. And then, if I would call him and ask him if he's ok/ is something wrong, he would start yelling at me even though he set it all up that way!! I tried to explain it to him back then (happened several times) but he never wanted 'discussions' as he called it.

 

Please try your hardest to get out of this. It will get worse and worse and it wears you down until the point that you feel so completely broken that you'll feel like you'll never get whole again

 

https://www.psychopathfree.com/threads/whats-up-with-the-passive-aggressive.165/ (this is a great article imo)

[RecentChange]

People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

 

Why are you in this? Why do you allow him to treat you like this?

 

Seems like the only logical answer would be to break up with him.

[Satu]

This is the cycle:

 

Seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness >Abuse > Re-seduction

 

Around and around, forever and ever.

 

 

Take care.

[CarrieT]

Thanks for the support. Just like predicted, I woke to the sweetest texts. Sigh.

 

Block, block, block, block....

 

If he is blocked, you can't see his texts, you can't receive his phone calls, you can't see what he is doing on social media, and the abuse will stop.

[Satu]

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

[Bee4Shine]

Please end it. You are allowing yourself to be taken down a path of psychological manipulation. It is going to end up hurting you and it will not even impact him. You are precious, special and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Being the OW only makes you a thing with no respect. Marriage is for one man and one woman in a committed relationship, the joy can be amazing. But you have to make right choices.

[GemmaUK]

He cheats on his wife therefore you already know he is an abuser!!

[anika99]

It seems to me the most abused person in this scenario is his wife as she is being betrayed and lied to on a daily basis. He has her believing in a marriage that is a total lie. On the other hand he has made it perfectly clear to you what your position in his life is. You are a booty call that he orders up when he feels like some booty. Much like I order pizza. When I crave some pizza I call up my local pizza place and have a chat with them and tell them what I want. After they give me what I want I don't have any use or time for them and I'd get pretty mad if they started calling me or texting me asking me if I want more pizza. In my mind they shouldn't be contacting me, it is up to me to contact them, when I need pizza, otherwise there is no need to talk. They cease to exist until I get my next craving for Pizza. You are this man's pizza delivery.He has been pretty upfront and honest with you regarding how little he values you and yet you stay and accept it.

[spiderowl]

The guy is a crazy sociopath who likes manipulating people. It doesn't matter whether he unfriended you or his wife. He is clearly messing both of you about (and invading her privacy). Why you would want to be with a creep like this is beyond me!

[MissCongeniality]

You know he lies to you. You know he manipulates you. You know he uses you.

 

What are you getting out of this that you are willing to stay and be abused?

It's far from abuse he's the one with everything to lose. She signed up for it when she started seeing a married man it's common sense that he'd treat her like this a dog doesn't demand to be fed. She signed her dignity away the moment she started expecting anything more than sex.

[turnera]

Does your mom know you're doing this?

 

What about your father?