triathlonrunner Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Hey guys. Going through a break up with first long term girlfriend and need some wisdom. We dated for just over a year. In my mind everything was great. We had good sex, we had the same thoughts on nearly all of the important things in life, yada yada. Right before Valentines day, she breaks up with me out of nowhere, telling me that "we're just different people and she wants me to "show" her more that I love her through acts of service." She also said something about love not being real and she was afraid i'd cheat on her. She had never brought any of these concerns up. So after 2 or 3 days I convince her to at least give me a chance. She said she did not want to be that "on and off" couple but agreed. From here on out she mentioned a few times that she was glad she listened to me. I was the "best boyfriend", she "couldn't wait to see me", " I think I love you." I heard these a lot over the next few months. Then she moves home (1.5 hours away) for the summer. She came back about once a week to hang out. Over the past week (I guess 2 weeks now) she became increasingly distant. I asked her and she said she was just stressed. Last Friday night I ask her what is wrong over text. She calls and says she wants to break up. Pretty much again "i am used to people doing things for me when I don't want to do them. I think we show our love differently. you are hilarious. You are literally the best guy I've ever met. I think we can be friends." Obviously this killed me. Second time out of nowhere she dumped me. I still absolutely love this girl. She is moving to a town about 30 minutes away from me at the end of summer. To the best of my knowledge, the plan always was, once she got back, we'd just make the effort to see each other (we lived 5 minutes apart while we were dating). I am so lost right now. I realize that distance might be SOME of the reason, but I fee like there is something she isn't telling me. I cooked for her fairly often, helped her with car stuff, gave her emotional support. I was always funny and just f'ing with her. I realize I must have been needy/not manly to some degree. I guess I am just lost. I guess my options are to simply not contact her again and move on, or contact her again at some point and try to rekindle things. I do not want to seem like I am desperate (even though who am I kidding, I am. Even though I think it's just because we worked so well). She can be hard headed and i'm not sure she would go for it. Although I think if you date someone for a year with no major issues then there has to be something there. Anyway. I'll shut up and take any thoughts or advice you guys have. I guess maybe just the first ex is the hardest. But this came out of left field. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 If you have to beg or otherwise convince someone who is trying to leave, that they ought to stick around in a relationship with you, you're wasting your time. All you've done is delay the inevitable. Trying to be the best boyfriend is not going to change her mind either. Wish her well and let her go. The other option is to keep pleading your case. Until she meets a new guy, she might waffle and humor you. But rest assured that as soon as someone promising materializes, you'll be left with nothing but skid marks and the dust from her sprint out the door. Stop torturing yourself and dragging things out unnecessarily. Your future with her ended back in February. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Wow, she has a long list of demands. What does she do for you though? She's very clear on what she expects from you, but what did you ever tell her you expected from her? Relationships are about two equal people, not servant and master. Her words just sound like excuses to get out of something she wasn't 100% sure about, maybe even had someone else in the background (GIGS maybe), or has been reading too many romantic novels and expecting things to be like the fantasy. Who knows, but you can only go by what you do know, and that is that she currently doesn't want to be with you.. well, only as a friend, and you do not want that. Be strong, tell her you can't be a friend with someone you love and then walk away. Always remember that it is never just about you doing things for her and being the best boyfriend for her... she should be the best girlfriend for you too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I fee like there is something she isn't telling me. Yes, I feel that too. In case you didn't recognise it, she's using one of the "5 love languages" to dump you. These languages are not meant to be an excuse to dump someone ("you use a different language than me") but rather a way of understanding how love can be expressed differently and to recognise that love may come in different forms. Maybe she read too many self help books, maybe she isn't telling you something. But to me it sounds like she needed an excuse to dump you, and this one seemed to fit. Although I think if you date someone for a year with no major issues then there has to be something there. Yes, similarly if you dump someone twice there must be a reason. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. Whether the reason she gave is true or not, whether she's hiding something or not, she doesn't see you as long term relationship material. Sorry but you need to accept that, and move on. You had your second chance already. It's pretty unlikely a third will work out any different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author triathlonrunner Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 Smudge you actually bring up a good point. She had I guess "jokingly" brought up "well that's included in the boyfriend duties" one time. So I asked her what the girlfriend duties are. She kind of just smiled and was silent. I think she expected the relationship to be more one sided than I expect one to be. I think with time maybe I'll pick out these things I maybe saw through rose glasses. Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Relationships become one-sided when one person wants out, and the other person won't accept the inevitable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I agree with Pete too, that maybe she's been reading love guide books or something and believes everything should be perfect 100% of the time. Either way though, smell that coffee. A relationship should be as close to 50/50 as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author triathlonrunner Posted June 23, 2016 Author Share Posted June 23, 2016 I think I realize that and am just missing the companionship. Next question: I will eventually get over her. Is it wrong to stay friends with an ex at least casually assuming I have fully moved on, started dating again etc? Link to post Share on other sites
Densel Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I think I realize that and am just missing the companionship. Next question: I will eventually get over her. Is it wrong to stay friends with an ex at least casually assuming I have fully moved on, started dating again etc? Why are you thinking of being friends with her at this moment when u have not even heal yet?? You should be thinking of how to help yourself to recover from this break up. Assuming you have fully moved on, you might not even want to be friends with your ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I think I realize that and am just missing the companionship. Next question: I will eventually get over her. Is it wrong to stay friends with an ex at least casually assuming I have fully moved on, started dating again etc? I'll translate your question for you: If I stay friends with her and therefore remain in her life, will she eventually love me and want me back, because I so hope so? If you stay her "friend" then that's all you will ever be. Plus, as her "friend" you will get to meet her new boyfriend. You can't complain about that either because you agreed to be her "friend". Once again, you agreed to her rules and her terms. FFS, what about you and your rules, your self respect, what you want and need? No contact is no contact - until you start that and stick to it, you will remain in limbo, orbiting around her life and unable to move on and live yours. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 I know some people who are great friends with their exes and others who aren't. But you need to walk before you can run. Get over her and the relationship and then think about being friends or whatever. Don't get ahead of yourself. One step at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
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