My Break Up Testimony: Breakup = Breakthrough!! + Was I Dumpee or Dumper? {UPDATED}

[mg101]

I'm back. I posted last summer about my then 8 month relationship and got some eerily sound advice I ignored. Here's that thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/536644-does-your-so-s-facebook-relationship-status-matter

 

I just wanted to share my experience. Maybe it'll resonate and maybe I'll get some helpful insight.

 

CLIFF NOTES OF THE RELATIONSHIP

 

Together 1.5 years; honeymoon stage was intense; he was so enamored with me; claimed he'd never been in love until now; talked a future with 3 months

 

We argued a lot from early on, mainly about how he was always habitually late, we didn't do much but go out with his friends on Saturday and spend 3, 4 days rest of the week watching movies at my place, ordering food, etc. During the course of the relationship, it'd get better for a week maybe then same lazy pattern. He'd say I should suggest things to do. I would, even took us zip lining. But his initiative was limited to a night out with friends clubbing, restaurant, a movie maybe. Nothing I ever mentioned wanting to do like concerts or festivals.

 

Found out he had former flame buy my valentine's day gift using his credit card because he couldn't get off work that day in time

 

He would tell little white lies; not be responsive to texts for hours but be active on social media; he didn't do anything for me - faulty car battery, flat tire, oil leak in car - I'd mention many such things during the course if the relationship, he'd never offer to take care of it, or even follow up to see if I took care of these things. He'd bring up things he'd do, but never follow through. He still lived with his two sisters so 90% of the time for 1.5 yes was spent at my place yet he never cleaned the bathroom, washed dishes, bought groceries, nada.

 

He claimed he didn't like having to apologize so much when we argued so he changed and if I had an issue, he'd just let me "cool off" going forward. I told him it only makes things worse, it felt like a power and control move to be tbh. That led to our break up in September when I find out he was simultaneously messaging girls on Facebook while texting me he loved me, but I need to learn how to communicate better. I broke up with him that day and he pretended not to care for a few weeks but then started texting and saying how he can't live without me, he took me for granted, he's cried over me, he's never"physically" cheated on me, he's so depressed, he's life's falling apart. After a month we got back together. I helped him try to get into school to finish his degree, tried to motivate him etc and things were OK for about a month. Then I found out he was out and exchanged numbers with a girl. He swore it was innocent even though they each liked 8 pics of each other on Instagram upon adding each other. He promised it meant nothing, her initially lied about it because he didn't want me to think it was more than friendly . He blocked and deleted her without me asking but that's just social media. I had no way of knowing if anything more was going on in real life. It added to my distrust of him. January, a friend saw him grinding dancing against a bar for about 30 mins with what she described as a very unattractive girl at a club...he'd ignored a text from me that night. He explained he was just drunk and dancing, apologized, and of course I stayed.

 

He'd make baseless insinuations that I was cheating. They were very random. I never cheated.

 

I struggled everyday because I knew I should dump him but now there was this narrative that I was always threatening break up and starting arguments...I wanted to change that narrative for some reason. Never mind I'm this way because he never changed ANYTHING he promised to change ever. I felt like maybe i was the difficult person. That i was the cause of our problems. I felt insecure, self loathing and torn. I also constantly felt like he was cheating now due to all the accumulated issues. It became so personally toxic that my sister, BFF and mom were concerned of my emotional health.

 

He got a job working out of town 5 days a week this past February. We would see each other the other two days or at least one. He'd text but we didn't talk every night. I brought this up to him,saying making sure we talk more is important now due to the new distance...he said I could call him just as easily. Ok. But then I realized, why am I even having this convo with a bf of 1.5 years. So I decided I really needed to let this go. That same week his father died so I felt like I couldn't end things. I was there for him to the max. He cried to me, I put myself aside to make things about being there for him during that period. Cooked for him, didn't raise any issues etc. By April, things were back to the frustration about what I wasnt getting, and how he'd turn cold at any hint of disagreement. Then one night he was coming over, texted while grabbing a drink with a former coworker, and never showed up. I waited till about midnight. I didn't bother calling him, i just texted and called it a night. The next day, he claimed he got sick off a couple of drinks. But his story didn't add up.

 

The last straw was memorial day weekend. A couple days before leaving for work, he was supposed to come over and spend the night. Initially it was for 9pm. As usual, he got sidetracked watching TV, on social media or whatever aND didn't come over until 1am. While he was out of town, I called him to basically air my grievances. He was quick to flip it to me and said he's watching the game so we'll talk about it tomorrow. It was his usual new thing of being cold. I said ok and hung up. Then he texted me saying, please don't send me some long text. I said no worries I won't. Then he said, if you've been drinking, get some rest, love you. That pissed me off because from history I knew it was sarcasm. He knew I wasn't drinking, but he'd always say are u drunk when I'd bring up gripes. He smokes pot every week, and I dislike it so I was petty and said, smoke another joint and go to bed. We don't need to discuss tomorrow. We both ignored each other the next two days. I then texted and called him. I texted again reminding him how we'd promised to not to ignore each other when there's an issue and the other person is reaching out, but that I'll give him his space today and talk tomorrow, that I love him. The next day I called a total of 5 times, left a voice mail, and texted 6 times. Nothing. So that night I texted, laid out everything I wanted to say, and finally ended with, you're not taking me for granted anymore. After two days, I blocked him and deleted him from all social media. 4 days after that he called both my phones from some strange number and left a msg saying he was just verifying I blocked him, and no need to call back. A few hrs later he sent two videos of himself to me on Instagram saying, I know I ignored your calls and refused to talk to you but u can't just block me, and prevent someone from reaching you, how am I to leave u a message? You need to unblock me asap, like now, what I have to talk to you about is bigger than me and you." That was 2.5 wks ago. He hasn't called from any strange numbers since. He's still blocked. His bday passed last week and I really didn't care much. I thought I would.

 

DID HE HAVE AN AGENDA? MAYBE HE WAS JUST A USER.

 

Off time-line, I look back and he really pressed wanting to move in together and incessantly talked about me getting pregnant and us having a baby. All from a guy who still lives with his sisters, didn't have his career=finances in order (but bought a BMW a few months ago when he had a perfectly functional audi). Oh, then he mentioned how high his car insurance was due to two speeding tickets last year and it'd be cheaper if I put the car under my insurance...umm no sir. I never laud my own accomplishments, but I had to be reminded of it by those close to me during this process to understand the chance that he had ulterior motives. I have an advanced degree from a top school, have a profession with a high earning capacity, live by myself in a downtown high rise, drive a nice car, come from a good family and I'm not hard on the eyes. I cringe even typing that, but maybe that was my problem. My humble nature bordered on low esteem perhaps.

 

MY TESTIMONY lol

 

It's now been 4 weeks since we last spoke, 3.5 weeks since I last contacted him and 2.5 weeks since his reach out. I've employed no contact, blocked all calls, texts, emails and unfriended on social media. I also talked my mother, sister and best friend's ears off. I've also been praying, reading the bible each morning and night, practicing gratitude and focusing on work. Amazingly, as an entrepreneur I'd been struggling financially the entire 1.5 years with him...and in the three weeks with no contact I've had literally 3times my regular revenue come in. I know this was from clearing space in my life, building faith, and no longer being weighed down by the constant guilt, confusion and self doubt the relationship seemed to foster. I've actually been doing very well. Better than I imagined. I was deathly afraid of breaking up with him because the grief I experienced during my attempted break up with him in September was beyond awful. I have very brief moments of backsliding self blame or regret or nostalgia or ego driven indignation that he hasn't done more to try to get me back every few days ..but they don't last. I revisit reality which is that I can't ever be with him again, I wasn't happy, and I don't think he ever had good intentions for me. So there's hope, guys!! Sometimes a break up can be your break through. You lived xx number of years without that person, you'll exist just fine without them. You likely will even THRIVE if you show yourself to day by day.

 

ONLY LINGERING QUESTIONS:

The only thing I can say I wondered (less so now) was, should I have verbalized it was over? But then I know, without this period of NC, I would've not been able to stick to my guns. Sometimes I felt like it was so harsh to just block and move..but that's looking at it out of context, right?

 

Also, am I technically the dumper or the dumped? Or is it a draw? Defining it may not be important, but I've thought about that often when getting through the whole process. Plus I try to sometimes understand if he really was a user with an agenda the whole time like my friend and sister and mom believe? Hard to reconcile with intimate moments you share in a relationship and what you thought you knew or wanted to believe. You ask, was it really all bs? In my case, I really deep down think it was, which has been helpful moving on tbh.

Edited June 23, 2016 by mg101

[bummer]

ONLY LINGERING QUESTIONS:

The only thing I can say I wondered (less so now) was, should I have verbalized it was over? But then I know, without this period of NC, I would've not been able to stick to my guns. Sometimes I felt like it was so harsh to just block and move..but that's looking at it out of context, right?

 

Also, am I technically the dumper or the dumped? Or is it a draw? Defining it may not be important, but I've thought about that often when getting through the whole process. Plus I try to sometimes understand if he really was a user with an agenda the whole time like my friend and sister and mom believe? Hard to reconcile with intimate moments you share in a relationship and what you thought you knew or wanted to believe. You ask, was it really all bs? In my case, I really deep down think it was, which has been helpful moving on tbh.

 

NC made it clear it was over. NC was harsh but necessary. You are the dumper, and with good reason as it sounds like he was taking advantage of you and not being balanced in the relationship. Great guys always live with sisters and drive BMWs. You've done good in my book!

[mg101]

NC made it clear it was over. NC was harsh but necessary. You are the dumper, and with good reason as it sounds like he was taking advantage of you and not being balanced in the relationship. Great guys always live with sisters and drive BMWs. You've done good in my book!

 

They sure do, don't they? Lol

I guess I am the dumper. His emotional blackmail backfired on him. NC probably wasnt even that harsh to him - i think a lot of his emotions were hogwash. The actions never matched. I'm sure he just gifted l figured, ah well the jig is up. Or he's convinced himself he was actually blameless and i was the dramatic one. Narcissism..

[mg101]

I blocked him 6 weeks ago. He hasn't attempted any contact i know of in 5 weeks. Reinstalled what's app few weeks ago and didn't think to block him there. Got a "happy birthday" text from him on both phones with standard balloon and gift emoji. But it also included the drama mask, you know the one with the frowning and smiling faces. Wtf.?

 

Should I respond thank you? I'm technically the dumper I guess but it's not that cut and dry. I've been dealing with the same emotions as the dumpee tbh.

 

What do you make of that strange emoji? It kind of creeped me out.

[juniorrocha]

Nothing.

 

It's an emoji.

 

Maybe he sent it accidently, maybe he thought the masks would match the birthday theme.

 

You're reading too much into a mere symbol.

 

 

See? Just a bunny running. No big deal. hahaha

[ShyBeauty5]

I don't think you were reading too much into it. I think it's basically saying "happy birthday to you I hope you're happy, but I'm sad we broke up" I feel like it's his way of subtly saying that, without actually saying it. You're not reading too much into it at all. There is a message behind it, even if it's not quite exactly what I'm guessing he means. There's no reason he would send that. And it was NOT an accident. When you're texting an ex, you've planned out what you're going to write, and you've double and triple checked it a million times before you send it. Trust me.

 

If you miss him and want to talk to him, just say "what's with the mask?" if not.. then just ignore him. or say "Thanks." and leave it at that.

Edited July 4, 2016 by ShyBeauty5

[mg101]

Nothing.

 

It's an emoji.

 

Maybe he sent it accidently, maybe he thought the masks would match the birthday theme.

 

You're reading too much into a mere symbol.

 

 

See? Just a bunny running. No big deal. hahaha

LOL even a bunny makes more sense than that mask...he's to calculated for it not to mean anything. Trust me.

[mg101]

I don't think you were reading too much into it. I think it's basically saying "happy birthday to you I hope you're happy, but I'm sad we broke up" I feel like it's his way of subtly saying that, without actually saying it. You're not reading too much into it at all. There is a message behind it, even if it's not quite exactly what I'm guessing he means. There's no reason he would send that. And it was NOT an accident. When you're texting an ex, you've planned out what you're going to write, and you've double and triple checked it a million times before you send it. Trust me.

 

If you miss him and want to talk to him, just say "what's with the mask?" if not.. then just ignore him. or say "Thanks." and leave it at that.

 

Good points. You may be right. Funny enough, the mask made me think of drama itself which is what the relationship had become. Not to mention it looked sinister and creepy. He was better off not including it.

 

I don't think I'll reply at all. He could've made a grand gesture if he had anything of substance to show or say. Not that it would've really mattered on my end bc I don't think he has any good intentions for me at end of the day. He half a $$es everything in life Imo.

[juniorrocha]

Girls and their analysis over such little things. Even if a guy put a comma out of place you'll be wondering what that means. lol

 

I would leave it at that.

 

But if you're that curious, then maybe you should ask?

[ShyBeauty5]

Good points. You may be right. Funny enough, the mask made me think of drama itself which is what the relationship had become. Not to mention it looked sinister and creepy. He was better off not including it.

 

I don't think I'll reply at all. He could've made a grand gesture if he had anything of substance to show or say. Not that it would've really mattered on my end bc I don't think he has any good intentions for me at end of the day. He half a $$es everything in life Imo.

 

Doesn't seem like you're into him at all. Seems like he wants you back but he has too much pride to come out and say it so he's just being subliminal. Guys who half ass **** are the absolute worst.. trust me. I dated one.

[mg101]

Doesn't seem like you're into him at all. Seems like he wants you back but he has too much pride to come out and say it so he's just being subliminal. Guys who half ass **** are the absolute worst.. trust me. I dated one.

 

The absolute worst. Lol

I loved him and I still have residual feelings, I can't lie. But I've realized he was not a good bf at all to me. The relationship caused me a lot of self doubt and unhappiness. Breaking it off wasn't easy but it had to happen because his manipulation was escalating and I was feeling worse and worse about myself. We didn't have a break up talk. It was a regular fight where he was playing his mind games on me and I just had enough. Blocked him and that was end of May. Since then, the distance has allowed me to really look at the relationship and realize he was all words and didn't have good intentions at all. I now know I can't be with him. It hurt but it's for the best and for my sanity. He was dragging me down in every way.

[basil67]

I would interpret the mask emoticon as "celebration" rather than "drama".

 

Though given your reaction to it, I wonder if perhaps "drama" is actually more appropriate

[ShyBeauty5]

The absolute worst. Lol

I loved him and I still have residual feelings, I can't lie. But I've realized he was not a good bf at all to me. The relationship caused me a lot of self doubt and unhappiness. Breaking it off wasn't easy but it had to happen because his manipulation was escalating and I was feeling worse and worse about myself. We didn't have a break up talk. It was a regular fight where he was playing his mind games on me and I just had enough. Blocked him and that was end of May. Since then, the distance has allowed me to really look at the relationship and realize he was all words and didn't have good intentions at all. I now know I can't be with him. It hurt but it's for the best and for my sanity. He was dragging me down in every way.

 

OMG! I know exactly what you mean.. Guys that play mind games are seriously psychotic. And they do it because they feed off of the energy you give them when you allow yourself to be roped into their mind games. It's not like they're outright super emotionally abusive, it's almost in a sneaky way that'll make you just doubt yourself. Glad you had the strength to walk away from him.

[mg101]

Girls and their analysis over such little things. Even if a guy put a comma out of place you'll be wondering what that means. lol

 

I would leave it at that.

 

But if you're that curious, then maybe you should ask?

 

LOL during the course of our relationship he's admitted to doing the most otherwise innocuous things for ulterior motives. Things I hadn't even picked up on. Trust me, it wasn't without reason with him.

[mg101]

I would interpret the mask emoticon as "celebration" rather than "drama".

 

Though given your reaction to it, I wonder if perhaps "drama" is actually more appropriate

 

I'll go with this interpretation.

 

One time, we had a disagreement and after talking about it and working it out, he brought up some other issue and hung up on me. Of course I kept calling to discuss and he ignored me. I then stopped. He later admitted to pretending to be mad because he felt the first issue was resolved to quickly and I needed to be punished more. Who does that? He's very manipulative.

[juniorrocha]

LOL during the course of our relationship he's admitted to doing the most otherwise innocuous things for ulterior motives. Things I hadn't even picked up on. Trust me, it wasn't without reason with him.

 

Well, you sure know your ex-relationship better than I do, so perhaps there's something behind the emoji.

 

But since you said you're better off without him, just say thanks and leave it at that. It will probably drive him crazy if the masks have some unknown reason to be there. hehe

[mg101]

OMG! I know exactly what you mean.. Guys that play mind games are seriously psychotic. And they do it because they feed off of the energy you give them when you allow yourself to be roped into their mind games. It's not like they're outright super emotionally abusive, it's almost in a sneaky way that'll make you just doubt yourself. Glad you had the strength to walk away from him.

 

Yes! And doubt myself I did. In so many ways. I even doubted how badly he behaved - maybe he wasn't so bad and it was me? Lol no, he was that bad. What a mind fk.

[juniorrocha]

He later admitted to pretending to be mad because he felt the first issue was resolved to quickly and I needed to be punished more. Who does that? He's very manipulative.

 

Sorry, I can't help it, I'm laughing a lot here. Although I admit if a girlfriend of mine did that I would be really pissed off.

 

That guy is psychotic, glad you're out of that relationship.

[mg101]

Well, you sure know your ex-relationship better than I do, so perhaps there's something behind the emoji.

 

But since you said you're better off without him, just say thanks and leave it at that. It will probably drive him crazy if the masks have some unknown reason to be there. hehe

 

If he was any other ex, I probably would. I think he'll use any response to start communication back up. I don't know if enough time has passed for me not to get roped back in. Thats why I blocked him on every medium. I've never had to do that with any ex. I let him worm his way back in after our break up last summer by not blocking him. I did feel bad doing it this time but I think it's the only way the cycle stopped. Idk weird how you can be so close to someone then poof,they're gone but I didn't feel like I had a choice here.

[mg101]

I would interpret the mask emoticon as "celebration" rather than "drama".

 

Though given your reaction to it, I wonder if perhaps "drama" is actually more appropriate

 

Lmao yes drama applies, I was in a full on Broadway drama with him for 1.5 years. He was the director and I played lead.

[mg101]

Sorry, I can't help it, I'm laughing a lot here. Although I admit if a girlfriend of mine did that I would be really pissed off.

 

That guy is psychotic, glad you're out of that relationship.

 

Lmao you should laugh, it was a sh!!t show. Oh and he only admitted that because I was about to dump him over his passive aggressive control games. He's very calculated. I look back and I now question every thing he did and said. The little admissions he's made probably only scratch the surface!

[Densel]

If i were the one that sent a Birthday text it will because I am reaching out to say 'i am thinking of you'.

 

But if I am the receiving end, I will scratch my head and think what my ex is up to.

 

If you have decided to never go back with him then you can ignore the text.

[mg101]

If i were the one that sent a Birthday text it will because I am reaching out to say 'i am thinking of you'.

 

But if I am the receiving end, I will scratch my head and think what my ex is up to.

 

If you have decided to never go back with him then you can ignore the text.

 

Right. Maybe if a lot of time had passed, but too soon!

[Simon Phoenix]

You're thinking way too much about this, which is exactly what he wants. Delete, ignore, move forward.

[mg101]

You're thinking way too much about this, which is exactly what he wants. Delete, ignore, move forward.

 

I didn't respond. He can tell I read his message. I know I should now block but for some reason I still haven't today.