My Break Up Testimony: Breakup = Breakthrough!! + Was I Dumpee or Dumper? {UPDATED}

[Blanco]

Have you noticed that all of your new threads end up consolidated in your original one about this breakup? That isn't a coincidence.

 

Adding to an existing thread about the same relationship/breakup gives new people some context and insight rather than just going by the information given in the latest thread.

[bluefeather]

Blanco is right. I have no idea what your relationship was like. You should have put this in whatever thread it was relevant in.

[mg101]

Have you noticed that all of your new threads end up consolidated in your original one about this breakup? That isn't a coincidence.

 

Adding to an existing thread about the same relationship/breakup gives new people some context and insight rather than just going by the information given in the latest thread.

 

I sent a message to merge. Thanks

[PegNosePete]

Reply: "I forgive you". Then re-block.

[Zahara]

Reply -- "thank you for your message" and block. You need to be done with him. Or go back and read your old threads.

 

This guy was selfish, a liar, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive -- those traits don't just go away after 2 months or just because he offered up an apology. I have a strong feeling this is all self-serving.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Zahara

[mg101]

Reply -- "thank you for your message" and block. You need to be done with him. Or go back and read your old threads.

 

This guy was selfish, a liar, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive -- those traits don't just go away after 2 months or just because he offered up an apology. I have a strong feeling this is all self-serving.

 

Right. Likely to relieve his own guilt, although I don't know if he can feel real guilt. He said all this after the last break up. I can however say the msg got rid of any residual self blaming I was doing about how I blocked him abruptly.

 

I don't trust his motives. Just trying to figure out what's best for me, ignoring or saying thanks. A whatsapp msgd? He's so fckng weak and predictable. Now the last update about the instagram and Facebook thing he did is in line with his tactics. Ughhhh I have no desire to engage him nor do I want discussion. But I have struggled with irrational and misplaced guilt this month so I'm trying to figure out the best reaction for me here.

[Zahara]

Personally, I'd ignore. it could be to relieve his "guilt", or it could be him just sniffing around to see if he can hit the reset button. I'd hardly take stock of words from someone that is patterned to act only in their best interest.

 

Most importantly, you should have blocked him awhile ago.

[mg101]

Personally, I'd ignore. it could be to relieve his "guilt", or it could be him just sniffing around to see if he can hit the reset button. I'd hardly take stock of words from someone that is patterned to act only in their best interest.

 

Most importantly, you should have blocked him awhile ago.

 

You're right. This process is a lot harder than expected.

[mg101]

NC 2months.

I want to reply thank you but ONLY if it's not going to open the door. How do you interpret it? Do you think there's more to his intentions than clearing his conscience? If so, then I won't reply and I'll re block. Here it is:

 

MG, I'm SORRY for hurting you. I'm SORRY for taking advantage of how much you loved me. I'm SORRY for letting you fall in love and not doing my part to make you happy. I'm SORRY for being so selfish. I'm SORRY for not saying I'm SORRY. You were right and I know it's too late.

 

-----

Edit to add: now that the initial shock has passed, parts of it seem...

But I'll wait for thoughts.

 

^^^

Still analyzing the meaning, still haven't opened the msg to show its read, still haven't blocked him, and still pondering to reply or not.

 

I suck.

[Zahara]

^^^

Still analyzing the meaning, still haven't opened the msg to show its read, still haven't blocked him, and still pondering to reply or not.

 

I suck.

 

Maybe you should jump in the hole again. Go ahead and reply and put yourself out of your misery. Still letting him rent space in your head. He's probably enjoying his day while your every thought, every minute of the day is about a text. Sometimes it takes a few kicks in the gut to finally learn.

 

You still require him to validate you because you don't see value in yourself or believe that you deserve better. Keeping yourself open to contact hoping he'll make you feel like you meant something to him. Still hoping for a selfish, lying, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive man to make you feel whole. In one of your posts you said deep down you knew you deserved better, so what's changed in 2 months? He's still the same guy. So what are you hoping from all of this? To rekindle? What's holding you back from cutting off?

 

No one can help you if you don't want to help yourself. And no one can make you realize your worth if you can't find it within yourself.

[mg101]

Maybe you should jump in the hole again. Go ahead and reply and put yourself out of your misery. Still letting him rent space in your head. He's probably enjoying his day while your every thought, every minute of the day is about a text. Sometimes it takes a few kicks in the gut to finally learn.

 

You still require him to validate you because you don't see value in yourself or believe that you deserve better. Keeping yourself open to contact hoping he'll make you feel like you meant something to him. Still hoping for a selfish, lying, emotionally abusive, passive aggressive man to make you feel whole. In one of your posts you said deep down you knew you deserved better, so what's changed in 2 months? He's still the same guy. So what are you hoping from all of this? To rekindle? What's holding you back from cutting off?

 

No one can help you if you don't want to help yourself. And no one can make you realize your worth if you can't find it within yourself.

 

Ouch. No I don't desire to get back with him. I also don't spend all day thinking of this. Evenings when I'm home from work is when it pops up. But thanks for your reply.

[Zahara]

Ouch. No I don't desire to get back with him. I also don't spend all day thinking of this. Evenings when I'm home from work is when it pops up. But thanks for your reply.

 

If you don't desire to get back with him, then what's the objective of placing all this energy and emotion into his text? What's the need to keep allowing him to have access into your life and messing up your progress? What are you hoping to get from being accessible to his contact? Do you need to respond because you'd like to present a good impression of yourself to him? Do you need to be open to his contact because you'd like to know that he remembers you when he makes contact therefore making you feel valued? YOU need to figure out your motives and what you end goal is, if you don't desire to be back with him. Things you need to work out yourself.

 

At the end of the day, you're still focusing outward. Still investing your emotions and seeking validation on people that hurt your self-esteem is only hindering you from moving on to bigger and better.

 

You need to figure out what you meant when you told yourself you deserved better and try to believe in it. And the only way to do that is to put what made you think otherwise behind you.

[mg101]

Good questions. I'm going to journal answers to it and tr to figure it out. Does seem very ridiculous on my end. I need to understand my motivation so I'm not just spinning my wheels or, worst yet, assigning greater significance to it than it deserves. I think I have a minor case of relationship ptsd or something. Quite nonsensical behavior.

[Zahara]

Good questions. I'm going to journal answers to it and tr to figure it out. Does seem very ridiculous on my end. I need to understand my motivation so I'm not just spinning my wheels or, worst yet, assigning greater significance to it than it deserves. I think I have a minor case of relationship ptsd or something. Quite nonsensical behavior.

 

We all experience some level of trauma after an ending, especially when toxic and volatile. The cure is to stay away from what caused it in the first place and not engage in it. And it doesn't help that you've been checking up on her/him and keeping yourself open to contact/hurt. You're digging and digging at your wound. Self-inflicting. He's still defining you.

 

Yes, figure out your motivation, rationalize and focus on reality rather than reacting on emotion. Figure out your goals, what's ahead of you, standards you deem you deserve, qualities you desire in a partner, what you seek for in a healthy relationship, how you believe you want to be treated in future relationships, ways to feel empowered, how to rebuild your self-esteem, etc. Journaling doesn't have to just be about him but it must and should also be about your journey with YOU.

 

The best relationship you can ever have is the one with yourself.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Zahara

[mg101]

We all experience some level of trauma after an ending, especially when toxic and volatile. The cure is to stay away from what caused it in the first place and not engage in it. And it doesn't help that you've been checking up on her/him and keeping yourself open to contact/hurt. You're digging and digging at your wound. Self-inflicting. He's still defining you.

 

Yes, figure out your motivation, rationalize and focus on reality rather than reacting on emotion. Figure out your goals, what's ahead of you, standards you deem you deserve, qualities you desire in a partner, what you seek for in a healthy relationship, how you believe you want to be treated in future relationships, ways to feel empowered, how to rebuild your self-esteem, etc. Journaling doesn't have to just be about him but it must and should also be about your journey with YOU.

 

The best relationship you can ever have is the one with yourself.

 

Great stuff. I'm going to use your suggestions as a guide to Journaling since I'm new to it. I'll report back. Thanks a lot.

[Blanco]

I'm a big advocate of keeping a journal after a breakup. I have one for every serious relationship. This last one, which was easily the most toxic of my three relationships, has required two journals and counting.

 

Keeping a journal not only allows you to spill your feelings in a productive manner; it gives you something tangible to look back on and scope your progress/healing. I can say the average entry these days is quite different in tone to many entries from a year or so ago.

 

That being said, all of this is not worth much if you're at all engaged with the person. Cut them off, and cut off yourself from their world.

 

A lot of people think that just means ignoring them or not contacting them. No. Be proactive. Block their number. Mark their email address as spam. FB and other social should go without saying at this point. Tell your friends you don't want to hear any updates about the ex.

 

I blocked my ex's number a couple months back and have felt much better as a result. But I'm well aware that I'm still not in a position to hear anything about her and her current relationship, so I have reminded friends that I do *not* want to hear any updates or even throwaway comments about that.

[Captivating]

MG101,

As far as your original questions concerned:

Maybe spelling out "I am breaking up with you for the following reasons..." would have been constructive for him in the long run, so he knows the flaws that he has to work on.

The relationship was on the downhill already but ultimately you pulled the plug, you are the dumper.

 

It is a blessing that it's over. A good relationship should foster general happiness, move everyone forward and should be an emotionally secure place with the same moral compass for everyone involved.

This guy was a MAN-CHILD. He seems quite lazy around the house, lazy in the relationship, doesn't take the initiative to cater to your needs (car troubles) as a man. He was surrounded with women growing up, so if I have to guess everything was provided for him (food, clean clothes) and was nothing expected of him(cleaning the house, dishes). The ambition is missing from him that Thank God you have

It takes years to get to know someone. It is great that this relationship didn't end after 4-7 years (married with kids!) but only 1.5 years.

 

As long as you don't have any regrets....you loved him , cared for him, did everything to make things work....you should rest assured, you tried your best, you just weren't compatible as a couple. It will take some time to get over it, but you will!

 

There are many compatible candidates out there, start dating soon.

I already recommended this in the past:

Maybe sign up for a credible dating -site and meet men for a coffee....it might take you 40 dates, but I bet you will find someone incredible

Set up coffee dates for everyday....why coffee dates?? You can cut them short or can last for hours. It's not like a restaurant when waitresses keep bothering you.

Just have fun !

[mg101]

MG101,

As far as your original questions concerned:

Maybe spelling out "I am breaking up with you for the following reasons..." would have been constructive for him in the long run, so he knows the flaws that he has to work on.

The relationship was on the downhill already but ultimately you pulled the plug, you are the dumper.

 

It is a blessing that it's over. A good relationship should foster general happiness, move everyone forward and should be an emotionally secure place with the same moral compass for everyone involved.

This guy was a MAN-CHILD. He seems quite lazy around the house, lazy in the relationship, doesn't take the initiative to cater to your needs (car troubles) as a man. He was surrounded with women growing up, so if I have to guess everything was provided for him (food, clean clothes) and was nothing expected of him(cleaning the house, dishes). The ambition is missing from him that Thank God you have

It takes years to get to know someone. It is great that this relationship didn't end after 4-7 years (married with kids!) but only 1.5 years.

 

As long as you don't have any regrets....you loved him , cared for him, did everything to make things work....you should rest assured, you tried your best, you just weren't compatible as a couple. It will take some time to get over it, but you will!

 

There are many compatible candidates out there, start dating soon.

I already recommended this in the past:

Maybe sign up for a credible dating -site and meet men for a coffee....it might take you 40 dates, but I bet you will find someone incredible

Set up coffee dates for everyday....why coffee dates?? You can cut them short or can last for hours. It's not like a restaurant when waitresses keep bothering you.

Just have fun !

 

 

Thank you for your reply

I did, via text initially, lay out all the gripes i had btw. None of it was new to him however. You're right, he was a man child and manipulative to boot.

 

I plan to date in the fall. I'm trying to make sure i work on me and some issues plus things I've neglected until then. I have reconnected with two guys from my past. Long distance which makes it non-committal. I did had recently just to have some male interaction along the way. Lol. But actual dating is in the plans soon.

[mg101]

I'm a big advocate of keeping a journal after a breakup. I have one for every serious relationship. This last one, which was easily the most toxic of my three relationships, has required two journals and counting.

 

Keeping a journal not only allows you to spill your feelings in a productive manner; it gives you something tangible to look back on and scope your progress/healing. I can say the average entry these days is quite different in tone to many entries from a year or so ago.

 

That being said, all of this is not worth much if you're at all engaged with the person. Cut them off, and cut off yourself from their world.

 

A lot of people think that just means ignoring them or not contacting them. No. Be proactive. Block their number. Mark their email address as spam. FB and other social should go without saying at this point. Tell your friends you don't want to hear any updates about the ex.

 

I blocked my ex's number a couple months back and have felt much better as a result. But I'm well aware that I'm still not in a position to hear anything about her and her current relationship, so I have reminded friends that I do *not* want to hear any updates or even throwaway comments about that.

 

I've been journaling. It's quite helpful in sorting out thoughts.

 

How long after the break up did you block her? Were you or she sending any communication before the block? Any struggles when you initially blocked?

[mg101]

Update of sorts. I went ahead and clicked on the rest of his message from Tuesday. Got tired of the new message signal on there as unread. I've now blocked on there. I've had some mixed feelings since doing it but sticking to it.

 

__________<<<

Here's the full message:

 

MG, I'm SORRY for hurting you. I'm SORRY for taking advantage of how much you loved me. I'm SORRY for letting you fall in love and not doing my part to make you happy. I'm SORRY for being so selfish. I'm SORRY for not saying I'm SORRY. You were right and I know it's too late but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for I cannot bear the thought of maybe not ever getting a chance to say so. I don't expect you to forgive me or talk to me ever again but just know that I am SORRY. I know that i was wrong and you deserve so much more. Soooo much better. I'M SORRY

[Captivating]

His message seems honest and I understand that it stirred up your feelings for him.

He might have done some self-reflection and really feel sorry for taking you granted and being selfish. Or he feels lonely and he says what you want to hear.... who knows?

 

He needs to grow up though and get his sh.. together. It will take time.

He has to do this part alone.

Actions speak louder than words.

Move on MG for now!

[Blanco]

I've been journaling. It's quite helpful in sorting out thoughts.

 

How long after the break up did you block her? Were you or she sending any communication before the block? Any struggles when you initially blocked?

 

- Couple months ago, which was about a year after the technical breakup.

 

 

- She got involved with someone pretty quickly after I left, so I never texted her. I told her not long after I had to sever ties, but she would still text me once every couple of months, though I'd never facilitate conversation (either ignoring the message or giving short, boring answers). It was tough, because there were a couple instances where I got the sense she was trying to get a sense if I was still interested in her. I didn't want the relationship or her anymore, but I've got an ego like most guys, so of course it intrigued me. But I always resisted going down that path.

 

- No. The decision whether or not to block was difficult, but once I finally did it, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was actually upset I didn't do it sooner, because I realized that her sporadically contacting me had kept me off balance in a way. It kept me stuck. She reached out just enough that I would spend a little portion of each day wondering if I would hear from her that day. Blocking her number eliminated that mental energy. Short of showing up at my doorstep, I'm not going to hear from her again.

[mg101]

His message seems honest and I understand that it stirred up your feelings for him.

He might have done some self-reflection and really feel sorry for taking you granted and being selfish. Or he feels lonely and he says what you want to hear.... who knows?

 

He needs to grow up though and get his sh.. together. It will take time.

He has to do this part alone.

Actions speak louder than words.

Move on MG for now!

 

It actually didn't stir up nostalgic feelings. More like irritation and anger because i believe he's full of it. I found it rather insulting tbh. And most likely manipulative. He paints himself as this lothario that "let me fall in love" while he took "advantage" of said love, but hey..."you deserve so much better" so chin up, damsel.

I know that sounds like a lot to read into that message but that's the disdain he's left me with given our history. I don't believe he did any soul searching in just two months. I was very tempted to read him the riot act in reply but i controlled myself.

[mg101]

- Couple months ago, which was about a year after the technical breakup.

 

 

.

 

That had to be torture. I see why everyone pushes strict nc here. Any contact, even an apology as in my case, leads to wasted mind space. I can attest to that.

 

I'm glad you saw the light. Lol

[mg101]

Update of sorts. I went ahead and clicked on the rest of his message from Tuesday. Got tired of the new message signal on there as unread. I've now blocked on there. I've had some mixed feelings since doing it but sticking to it.

 

__________<<<

Here's the full message:

 

MG, I'm SORRY for hurting you. I'm SORRY for taking advantage of how much you loved me. I'm SORRY for letting you fall in love and not doing my part to make you happy. I'm SORRY for being so selfish. I'm SORRY for not saying I'm SORRY. You were right and I know it's too late but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for I cannot bear the thought of maybe not ever getting a chance to say so. I don't expect you to forgive me or talk to me ever again but just know that I am SORRY. I know that i was wrong and you deserve so much more. Soooo much better. I'M SORRY

 

Update of sorts. After the above message, i blocked. I got a forwarded group email from him on my work email which he's never used before. It was some article on the Olympics. I've added his email to the block list there as well.

 

I've been journaling and it helps but i won't lie. I rethink the text he sent and really question myself. Why it bothered me. And zahara was on point. I don't value myself enough. Someone who does would've immediately scoffed at it and blocked. I'm disappointed in myself. I'll keep journaling.