Girlfriend bragging about guys she's dated

[Hermus]

Since a few weeks I have a new girlfriend who I really like a lot. This girl is quite committed to me and I really don't worry about that. However, when being around other people she sometimes brags about the artists and millionaires she has dated, especially when drunk. Myself I'm neither rich nor an artist (although I'm quite creative). I find it quite disrespectful towards me if she brags about it in my vicinity. Last time she did that I didn't really say anything about it. However, I want her to stop this behaviour. At the same time I don't want to come off as the jealous and insecure boyfriend.

 

Actually I have two questions:

 

Is it reasonable to feel disrespected if she brags to others about guys she previously dated?

 

How do I respond the next time she does that, without coming off as jealous and insecure?

 

(We do talk about exes to each other and I don't mind that at all. The point is just about bragging about it to others.)

Edited June 23, 2016 by Hermus

[road]

Both of you should not be talking about your ex's to each other. A relationship is just for two. Dump the ghosts.

 

 

Tell you GF in a calm and non threatening manner how you do not like her bragging/talking about her ex's to other people and that there is no need for the both of you to talk about them any more.

[Rainah]

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Its disrespectful for her to be talking about exs around other people, it should be kept in the past.

[SammySammy]

Sounds like both of you are insecure. She for bragging. You for being hurt by it.

 

You can try to figure out a way to talk to her about it without seeming insecure. But, if you ARE insecure, does the way you seem really matter? It's going to eventually reveal itself anyway. Only to affect your relationship accordingly.

 

Both of you have to realize the affect your behavior has on the relationship and make the appropriate adjustments.

[angel.eyes]

Is it reasonable to feel disrespected if she brags to others about guys she previously dated?

It's inconsiderate and disrespectful of your feelings. How old are you guys?

 

How do I respond the next time she does that, without coming off as jealous and insecure?

That depends on the context and what it is she says specifically. Who is she bragging to?

 

(We do talk about exes to each other and I don't mind that at all. The point is just about bragging about it to others.)

What is your goal when you discuss exes?

[smackie9]

Just tell her not only is it crass to openly brag about it around you, but other people probably are rolling their eyes behind her back when she starts up about it. Make it clear to her she isn't scoring popularity points with her bragging, and that she is making herself look like a damn fool. Most who brag have low self esteem and use it to give themselves an ego boost.

 

Me personally this would be a dealbreaker....out to the curb they go.

[Art.at.Heart]

Sounds like both of you are insecure. She for bragging. You for being hurt by it..

How is OP insecure for being hurt by this? What his girlfriend is doing is hurtful.

 

I agree with smackie that this would be a deal breaker for me but not because of that alone. For me, what she's doing is just sort of a precursor to other undesirable behavior and this would be my giant red flag. For you, communicate with her. Staying quiet isn't going to do anything but cause you to build resentment until you blow your top. If she continues after you communicate, then you walk.

[Space Ritual]

How do I respond the next time she does that, without coming off as jealous and insecure?

 

Who the hell cares if you come across jealous or insecure?

 

Next time she says it, tell her if she is so proud of it to go back to her millionaires and artists and let them pass her around.

 

Seriously dude, who has time for this crap? She will not stop doing it as it is her claim to fame. You might as well either accept that you will have to cringe every time she does it at a party or get rid of her.

 

Those are your only 2 options. Talking to a Star Banger about it and asking her to cease from bringing it up will not do any good. It's what she holds dear to her heart and you bringing it up will only excite her even more and embolden her to do it because she knows you disapprove.

 

You are in a no win situation with this one. Good Luck.

[JS84]

Sounds like both of you are insecure. She for bragging. You for being hurt by it.

 

I don't think that makes him insecure. I would find that disrespectful and irritating if it was happening to a friend of mine or myself.

[spmh1017]

My GF doesnt brag, in fact she put them all down. She has a history of dating cheaters and losers.

But...she brings them up CONSTANTLY

 

Every story, every example, all lead back to the topic of one of her 3 long relationships.

 

Highschool sweetheart...every story like..."I had this friend who did *such and such*. My BF at the time thought this about it"

We ran into my ex-sister in law and her new BF at a store the other day. My GF knew the guy from her neighborhood. First response after we were alone "I think he lived next to my BF"

 

Out of HS first LTR....again. Every story, every topic that come up, theirs a story he aligns too.

 

Guy after him, before me, same thing...

 

Its like she defines herself and her history based on the realtionship she was in at the time.

 

I brought this up to her a few months back and it was an argument. Said she wouldnt apologize for it cause its her "history"

 

I just find it wierd.

 

Maybe, as a guy, we dont talk about Ex's?

I never bring up my Ex's and if the story or subject touches on them I leave that part out.

[JS84]

One of the top dating rules is to NOT bring up exes. Or if you do don't constantly talk about them.

[idiot 274]

That sounds exactly like my soon to be ex wife. Should have kicked her to the curb the first time she disrespected me.

[mrs rubble]

Failed relationships are nothing to brag about in my opinion.

Ask her why she constantly needs to bring up her past failures, ask if she'd like to hear about the model's and millionaire's you dated.

[Jersey born raised]

My exWW use to bring then up. Once her aunt asked me why I wasn't upset, if it bothered me and why I didn't talk about ex's. I respounded with a shrug and said "those who can't talk, those who do can they simply do".

 

Dead silence, especially from ex. She stopped talking about ex's at that point forward.

[SammySammy]

My exWW use to bring then up. Once her aunt asked me why I wasn't upset, if it bothered me and why I didn't talk about ex's. I respounded with a shrug and said "those who can't talk, those who do can they simply do".

 

Dead silence, especially from ex. She stopped talking about ex's at that point forward.

 

Hmmm.

 

Being secure with yourself. Works wonders.

 

You don't say ....

[Jersey born raised]

I don't think in this case enigma's advise is good. It most likely lead to a pissing contest between the two of you.

[mrs rubble]

She obviously doesn't think much of you, or it would be you she was bragging about, not those guys that dumped her. Maybe you should start talking about the bikini models you used to date. Or the young women. Women hate it when you date younger women.

No we don't.

I found it hilarious when my ex aged approx 40ish started going out with an 18yo. I was still laughing when she claimed to be pregnant with his child. (it may have been his, but she found another old rich guy to pay for it)

Meanwhile our son was aged 17yo and thought not only was his dad "gross" for going out with an 18yo, but he thought the 18yo was "gross" for wanting anything to do with his geriatric dad. Him (my son) and I could both see that she was after his money......but we both know he's going to be buried with his fortune.

[smackie9]

I think a clearer option is to kick her to the curb. Who needs that s&*%

[soyou]

If I were you, I could simply say something like this:

 

If they are so rich and so awesome like that, why dont you stay with them?

Maybe, it's the best that I let you go so you can come back to them?

 

See how she reacts!

[Hermus]

Thanks all for the replies. I did bring it up in a quite casual way. It seemed she understood very well that her behaviour had crossed a line. She told me that she felt bad about treating me like that and that she would have been upset if I did something like that to her. Since she truly seems to understand that she was wrong about it, I hope she will better her behaviour in the future. No need to break up again just yet. I would also feel ashamed to my friends and family to go in and out of a relationship so quickly btw.

 

She obviously doesn't think much of you, or it would be you she was bragging about, not those guys that dumped her. Maybe you should start talking about the bikini models you used to date. Or the young women. Women hate it when you date younger women.

 

She is the young woman I'm dating. I'm 31 and she's 24.

 

I could always as a last resort bring up the top model I've been dating, but retributing by doing the same would be immature as far as I'm concerned.

[redbaron007]

Thanks all for the replies. I did bring it up in a quite casual way. It seemed she understood very well that her behaviour had crossed a line. She told me that she felt bad about treating me like that and that she would have been upset if I did something like that to her. Since she truly seems to understand that she was wrong about it, I hope she will better her behaviour in the future. No need to break up again just yet. I would also feel ashamed to my friends and family to go in and out of a relationship so quickly btw.

...

 

We readers wish you well and hope so as well. One thing I would advise though: do observe her behavior closely while intoxicated. Does her demeanor change negatively, i.e. more angry/irritable/aggressive/sadder, etc.? Does she ignore you? Or does she, like many of us, become more light-hearted and fun? I have first-hand experience w/ my ex-wife's drinking and her behavior while intoxicated provided certain signs which I missed at the time, but later on hindsight, I realized they were signs that indicated she had some deeper issues.

 

What I'm saying is that there may be deeper issues at play here....so just be alert...also there is nothing worse than staying in a bad relationship, so if it comes to that (and I hope it won't), do not hesitate to pull the plug. Don't worry about your family and friends, they will understand.

[Hermus]

We readers wish you well and hope so as well. One thing I would advise though: do observe her behavior closely while intoxicated. Does her demeanor change negatively, i.e. more angry/irritable/aggressive/sadder, etc.? Does she ignore you? Or does she, like many of us, become more light-hearted and fun? I have first-hand experience w/ my ex-wife's drinking and her behavior while intoxicated provided certain signs which I missed at the time, but later on hindsight, I realized they were signs that indicated she had some deeper issues.

 

What I'm saying is that there may be deeper issues at play here....so just be alert...also there is nothing worse than staying in a bad relationship, so if it comes to that (and I hope it won't), do not hesitate to pull the plug. Don't worry about your family and friends, they will understand.

 

There are deeper issues involved that we have to deal with as a couple. She has been raped by some psychopath ******* in the past, in a really vicious manner. That's something she's still struggling with and which makes it more difficult for her to be in a relationship with a guy. Even after intensive therapy it's understandable that this trauma doesn't go away completely. However, it really doesn't explain why she brags about her exes when I'm around.

 

For me her trauma is really something that I want to find a way to deal with, because I do love her a lot. However, I also will have to draw a line somewhere. The fact that she has had a traumatic experience doesn't mean that I should put up with everything she does, in my point of view.

[redbaron007]

There are deeper issues involved that we have to deal with as a couple. She has been raped by some psychopath ******* in the past, in a really vicious manner. That's something she's still struggling with and which makes it more difficult for her to be in a relationship with a guy. Even after intensive therapy it's understandable that this trauma doesn't go away completely. However, it really doesn't explain why she brags about her exes when I'm around.

 

For me her trauma is really something that I want to find a way to deal with, because I do love her a lot. However, I also will have to draw a line somewhere. The fact that she has had a traumatic experience doesn't mean that I should put up with everything she does, in my point of view.

 

That is very sad. Though I'm no expert or therapist, I do know that rape can wreak havoc with a woman's self-esteem and cause psychological issues that can last a lifetime, and this brutal incident has obviously deeply affected her. i would assume the bragging indicates an attempt to unconsciously self-validate herself. She should explore this with her therapist.

 

The more important question is: I know you say you "love" her, but since you've only been with her a few weeks, I'm not sure you fully comprehend just how difficult your task can be in the months and years ahead, if you're looking at a LTR. You may have to get therapy yourself at some point to help you cope.