Vacations over

[msoptimistic]

Well, I have been working on breaking away from MM for awhile just like so many on here. The struggle is difficult beyond words. We had a really bad time awhile back and went through a few days of NC but unfortunately it didn't last forever as it should have. HOWEVER, as insignificant as it seems, contact has been much less in frequency and conversations have been held to less intimate discussions. Not cold turkey as it should be but it is just really hard.

Here's my dilemma that I would like advice on. As wrong as it is, somehow I can justify in my mind that he is always only a phone call away and I can tell myself that I can make it through today without talking to him and I can always call him or answer tomorrow if the need to hear his voice gets too great. Today, however, he leaves on vacation and for some reason it is breaking my heart. We've been doing this for 4 years and for 4 years they have taken a weeks vacation at the same place at the same time of year. Some years I have tried to deal with it by telling myself that a week with her will do him good...maybe even make me look better!!! (Vacationing can be stressful after all-right?!?!?) But today I cannot imagine getting through this next week.

I have tried to concentrate on my M lately and thought I had been maybe moving a little bit in the right direction but just hearing MM say the words that they would be gone next week has thrown me for a most devastating loop...So stay busy and try to keep my mind off of it but it's not the regular thoughts running through my mind as an OW...why has this suddenly this year messed with my head so badly. How do other OW deal with vacation time?

[Onlywhenitrains]

I found it impossible to deal with when I was in the A. One of the reasons I listed for breaking it up was that I didn't want to go and live through another vacation he will be taking with his wife. I mean it is his right to go on vacation with his wife, and kid. Regardless of the A we had, I always assumed that all his usual marriage activities continued. Him on vacation with his family is one of those.

 

It is my right not to live through that as being his OW. Been there, done that. Choose not to do it any more.

[loveisanaction]

I think that the role of being the OW should be defined as a rollercoaster ride where your heart leads your head up and down and round and round till you are just exhausted! So many of us come here seeking support while we know we're making poor decisions then come back seeking help to walk away from those decisions. The sad thing is we get all big and brave about taking back our self respect and we initiate NC for a whole week or two then we cave and allow ourselves to go right back down that same self-destructive path. Well I am just tired now. Tired of trying to stay positive about a negative situation, tired of trying to justify his actions to fool myself into believing he wants there to be an "us", convincing myself he will leave one day & we'd live happily ever after. Tired of tryimg to act happy in a M that aint happy. (Might could be if I would get my head out of MM's butt and put that energy toward H where it should be).

No particular ? here. Just venting I guess but I'm thinking that there has to be something better than this. People face and beat lots of worse scenarios everyday. Cancer, children born with birth defects, debilitating accidents, mental illness. For me, right now, its a broken heart. But people have survived those too. And now its my turn to just do what has to be done. No overthinking, just do it...he is married, he has a wife, if he wanted me he knows he could have me, he still chooses not to leave. Hes not available for me to be with on any level. It is just wrong on every level. Only one path to take and hopefully there will be rest at the end.

Thanks for the forum to vent!

 

Just a little over a month ago you wrote this. You had a moment of clarity. What happened to the person who wrote this?

 

You know the reality of the situation.

 

If you choose to stay....

Edited June 4, 2016 by loveisanaction
Grammatical Error

[Sabella]

When I was in my A, that was always really hard to deal with. It brought up so many triggers at the time. Guilt, jealousy, sadness and ofc, overall self loathing for feeling all those emotions! Ugh what a painful mess.

[msoptimistic]

I am on my phone which is a little difficult for me to maneuver so I started reading my own post without even realizing it was me and thought Wow this woman sounds just like me! I did write that and I was big & bad for awhile and would like to think I haven't slipped quite far as back as I was prior to that post! I blocked and unblocked FB so many times it's unreal. I blocked his number and refused to answer any numbers I didn't know. Lasted a whole almost week. I'd say we have gone from lots of contact to brief NC to current LC. No doubt it's wrong, I'm wrong, he's wrong, lots of wrongs here! What is blowing my mind is how it feels like a physical blow to the gut knowing they are leaving shortly. I'm not begging him not to go...I haven't begged him not to forget me or contact me while he's gone...its just hurting for some reason I can't explain. I certainly don't want it to and it has surprised me at the setback? Staying busy will prove difficult as I am also off for the week. Only so much housecleaning one can do!

And honestly, I don't wZnt to just sugarcoat the situation and get through this week, I wasn't the courage to get out...

[privategal]

There will be 200 more vacations.

1,000 more broken hearts due to the pain of being in A while both married.

You have no choice but to bare it all until one of these breaks and NC sticks.

I assume it is hurting alot as your romance is cooling off, and your in LC and while he appears to be devoting more to his M, you have stayed more slanted to the MM and have not yet given more energy to your M.

Where are your own vacation plans with your hubby?

I mean, you gotta really start living.

During LC it seems to still be he is your every waking thought.

Really your supposed to try and make progress toward dwindling those thoughts and that energy.

Either way...this will hurt to hear but I think your gut is telling you its over.

Its likely run its course.

The double life, the mystery, the sex, it gets either old..or too heavy to carry.

Year after year in a dead end relationship could get just as old as any honeymoon period.

He already knows the end game..which is staying put, so hes likely trying to back away slowly and let it die and get back to reality and subconsciously your feeling that and it hurts to end it.

[ladydesigner]

Well, I have been working on breaking away from MM for awhile just like so many on here. The struggle is difficult beyond words. We had a really bad time awhile back and went through a few days of NC but unfortunately it didn't last forever as it should have. HOWEVER, as insignificant as it seems, contact has been much less in frequency and conversations have been held to less intimate discussions. Not cold turkey as it should be but it is just really hard.

Here's my dilemma that I would like advice on. As wrong as it is, somehow I can justify in my mind that he is always only a phone call away and I can tell myself that I can make it through today without talking to him and I can always call him or answer tomorrow if the need to hear his voice gets too great. Today, however, he leaves on vacation and for some reason it is breaking my heart. We've been doing this for 4 years and for 4 years they have taken a weeks vacation at the same place at the same time of year. Some years I have tried to deal with it by telling myself that a week with her will do him good...maybe even make me look better!!! (Vacationing can be stressful after all-right?!?!?) But today I cannot imagine getting through this next week.

I have tried to concentrate on my M lately and thought I had been maybe moving a little bit in the right direction but just hearing MM say the words that they would be gone next week has thrown me for a most devastating loop...So stay busy and try to keep my mind off of it but it's not the regular thoughts running through my mind as an OW...why has this suddenly this year messed with my head so badly. How do other OW deal with vacation time?

 

(((msoptimistic))) why don't you concentrate on you and not your M or your MM and find what you think will truly make you a happier person. What you wrote sounds torturous to the heart. You obviously have serious feelings for your MM or I don't think this vacation would be affecting you.

 

I am a current BS, but I have been on the other side before so I hope you don't mind me commenting. You sound like you are in pain over this and that is not good for you. When I look back at my vacations with my WH post Dday (my WH took his A underground for 3 more years) I don't think of my WH as being a part of them. I look back fondly for the kids because he was just faking it.

[msoptimistic]

It's been LC for me. He actually picked up on the contact after the NC days. That certainly didn't help me put it behind me. H, myself and kids took a quick getaway a few weekends ago & honestly I had good spells & bad spells. When we were doing a fun activity I would simultaneously think how badly I wished it was MM with me and then how would I feel if I knew H were with me but thinking about someone else...I don't want to be that cold hearted woman OR set that example for my kids (especially my daughter)! I know...200 more vacations that will either break my heart or I won't even know about cause I have moved on. This morning has just been tough...

[whichwayisup]

It's been LC for me. He actually picked up on the contact after the NC days. That certainly didn't help me put it behind me. H, myself and kids took a quick getaway a few weekends ago & honestly I had good spells & bad spells. When we were doing a fun activity I would simultaneously think how badly I wished it was MM with me and then how would I feel if I knew H were with me but thinking about someone else...I don't want to be that cold hearted woman OR set that example for my kids (especially my daughter)! I know...200 more vacations that will either break my heart or I won't even know about cause I have moved on. This morning has just been tough...

 

Then don't be that! END your affair as it's going no where. For FOUR years you've been lying and deceiving your husband and not been 'present' in your family life. MM is ALWAYS on your mind, distracting you and making you NOT invest in your husband, marriage and family. Your MM IS LIVING life with his wife, continuing on and focusing on them when he's not with you. Time for you to do the same if you can't end your A, then make him less of a priority and stop allowing him to dictate your moods and having such influence over your life.

 

You have a lot to lose, is your husband suspicious at all?

[AlwaysGrowing]

It's been LC for me. He actually picked up on the contact after the NC days. That certainly didn't help me put it behind me. H, myself and kids took a quick getaway a few weekends ago & honestly I had good spells & bad spells. When we were doing a fun activity I would simultaneously think how badly I wished it was MM with me and then how would I feel if I knew H were with me but thinking about someone else...I don't want to be that cold hearted woman OR set that example for my kids (especially my daughter)! I know...200 more vacations that will either break my heart or I won't even know about cause I have moved on. This morning has just been tough...

 

 

We all get one life, one shot, at making memories with our spouses, children, family, friends...etc. To look back on ones life and realize that we were never in the moment...we detached a part of ourselves....is heartbreaking. We miss things, the subtle things, .....a quirky smile our child did when they were looking for bugs all because we let our thoughts/mind wander.....a mind wandering that wanted to fundamentally swap the people before us. A wandering that falsely paints the fantasy as better than the reality...in other words....those with me right now are not good enough. Is it at all realistic that your children would be as free emotionally, if it was the MM with you all, instead of their father. Would it have meant the same to them?

 

Contact is contact. LC is the same as contact. Putting in the word "light" does not make it better than contact. It is what it is.

 

If we want change...we change. We take the reins and lead the change. Empowerment is scary for some folks...for it forces us to realize how much control we have always had in the direction of our life, our relationships, our happiness, our goals, and just simple contentment. For some, it is easier to point to everything/one else and say...see..that right there....that is why my life feels unfulfilled. If only I had that, or they did that....always focusing on what is outside of our control and not the tools of self right before us.

 

The solutions that you seek, reside within you. (FYI, they have nothing to do with how to cope with the vacation time the MM spends with his wife...they encompass so much more). Stop looking for a bandaid.....find yourself a cure.

[privategal]

A quick get away...take a week like MM and shut off your phone.

Did you contact him on your quick get away?

Honestly...its so stupid to waste your summer pouting when the mm takes family time away.

This is his wifes time and if it hurts you get out. You know the deal.

[msoptimistic]

You all are right. If I were truly honest with myself I would be shocked at how much of my time is distracted from what should be all the little things that make life good. I truly can't remember what it feels like to be just happy. I am preoccupied and self absorbed all the time. I don't have hobbies and I don't find enjoyment in the things my H does as hobbies. MM is gone for a week. I didn't beg him not to go or make a fool of myself asking him to think about me but I guess the shock of waking up this morning in one frame of mind to going downhill in a 3 minute timespan threw me. He literally said "I'll be gone for the next week" and hung up. I believe she was listening.

My H has given no indication that he knows but I know he misses the pre-A me so badly. He asks me regularly if I'll ever love him or want him again. He deserves so much better. I tried to blame everything on him, that he pushed me into the A but thats just a scapegoat mechanism. He didnt deserve this and MM's wife doesnt deserve this.

So for 1 week I have no choice. We are in NC, but I will have a choice next week to stay in NC. If anyone has been successful at this and saved their M, please share. It seems so impossible right now. Ready to try drugs or anything ti stop this pain....and thats nit a drama queen talking...no dangerous thoughts, just so tired of living in this way!

[privategal]

You all are right. If I were truly honest with myself I would be shocked at how much of my time is distracted from what should be all the little things that make life good. I truly can't remember what it feels like to be just happy. I am preoccupied and self absorbed all the time. I don't have hobbies and I don't find enjoyment in the things my H does as hobbies. MM is gone for a week. I didn't beg him not to go or make a fool of myself asking him to think about me but I guess the shock of waking up this morning in one frame of mind to going downhill in a 3 minute timespan threw me. He literally said "I'll be gone for the next week" and hung up. I believe she was listening.

My H has given no indication that he knows but I know he misses the pre-A me so badly. He asks me regularly if I'll ever love him or want him again. He deserves so much better. I tried to blame everything on him, that he pushed me into the A but thats just a scapegoat mechanism. He didnt deserve this and MM's wife doesnt deserve this.

So for 1 week I have no choice. We are in NC, but I will have a choice next week to stay in NC. If anyone has been successful at this and saved their M, please share. It seems so impossible right now. Ready to try drugs or anything ti stop this pain....and thats nit a drama queen talking...no dangerous thoughts, just so tired of living in this way!

 

Read all these words back.

Your whining like your 15.

Like you have no choice....common.

I have no hobbies, I blame everyone..Im self absorbed, Im ready to try drugs?

And you thought his wife might be LISTENING???

You are wrecking 2 familys.

You have a choice.

Please stop acting helpless.

Another poster said her friend was an ow and was attacked by MM's wife with a knife and was almost killed.

If shes listening in on calls and has a family to protect....What are you doing to yourself here? Arent affairs supposed to be fun?

[msoptimistic]

Privategal, I love your responses because you hold nothing back. I meant to convey that blaming others and childish behaviors were things I know I have done wrong, not that I wanted to stay in that place. They have no children although that doesnt minimize the hurt of the A. This is a trainwreck in my world and I see it coming and I know why it has to end, I just seem to keep on falling back into the thinking that my A is different. I know its not. I'm so addicted to this person. I'm blind to his faults and because I have stuck him up on a pedastool for so long and nitpicked at H's habits and vices that my mindset is screwed up royally. Believe me when I say I want out. Remember this man is significantly older than his W and we met on their 1 month wedding anniversary. She has been living a complete lie for 4 years and I'm 50% of the reason. I kept thinking she would get tired of him and his older age issues and that she would want kids by someone who wasnt already a grandfather 4x over. This is where I have landed in my own little world where I thought we had a chance. The pain is unreal but the fact of this matter is that I have made terrible decisions and as a grownass adult reasonably intelligent woman in all other areas of my life, I just have to do it. I would love to wallow in self pity and I guess thats where I have soent most of the day today but you are right. Choices. They suck. Thank you...now give me your very best, most important piece of advice to get out of this hellhole I am in?

[privategal]

Privategal, I love your responses because you hold nothing back. I meant to convey that blaming others and childish behaviors were things I know I have done wrong, not that I wanted to stay in that place. They have no children although that doesnt minimize the hurt of the A. This is a trainwreck in my world and I see it coming and I know why it has to end, I just seem to keep on falling back into the thinking that my A is different. I know its not. I'm so addicted to this person. I'm blind to his faults and because I have stuck him up on a pedastool for so long and nitpicked at H's habits and vices that my mindset is screwed up royally. Believe me when I say I want out. Remember this man is significantly older than his W and we met on their 1 month wedding anniversary. She has been living a complete lie for 4 years and I'm 50% of the reason. I kept thinking she would get tired of him and his older age issues and that she would want kids by someone who wasnt already a grandfather 4x over. This is where I have landed in my own little world where I thought we had a chance. The pain is unreal but the fact of this matter is that I have made terrible decisions and as a grownass adult reasonably intelligent woman in all other areas of my life, I just have to do it. I would love to wallow in self pity and I guess thats where I have soent most of the day today but you are right. Choices. They suck. Thank you...now give me your very best, most important piece of advice to get out of this hellhole I am in?

Cold turkey love. Theres no other way that could work.

If your in this much pain and in hell...why not go through a lesser pain of getting out?

Go dark>>IC>>>>antidepressants to ease pain/obsessive thinking.

 

What would be his reaction if you ended it? Cause I tend to think hes done this many times over.

[lemondrop21]

It still fascinates me that so many MW on this board express feelings and frustrations that are exactly the same as single OW. I would have thought being married too would make it easier but apparently it doesn't.

 

One of the things that has helped me is dating... Do you want to date your husband again? Do you want your marriage?

 

You mention drugs and all kidding aside, have you considered antidepressants? (You don't have to answer that, but it's just a thought). You seem like you're in a very deep hole and it's not surprising that NC is so tough.

 

Best of luck, I know it sucks big time and sorry I don't have any better advice.

[msoptimistic]

Obviously I would want to think that my disappearing would hurt him on some level but I doubt it. In reality, probably one day he might say to himself that he hasnt heard from me in awhile and that would be it. You know, hes a real keeper as this is his 4th wife & 5th marriage (apparently once wasnt enough with wife #2?). So many times I have wanted to tell current wife whats happening because she is so close to my daughter's age and much younger than his daughter and I feel like she is getting such a raw deal. Didnt stop me though. And just one for the record, we started out EA then PA for a little over a year then back to EA for the past 2 years. Talking everyday but no physical contact. In some ways that would have probably been easier. The way we are now, we discuss family & jobs & retirement & religion & so forth...that is like letting go of a best friend...all things that should have been discussed with H. In fact, during a recent job offer, I actually called him first with the news.

I live in a small, rural area. I have searched for and tried the only counselor I could find in our area. There are 2 more but neither are taking new patients and the one I was seeing has left the profession to sell insurance! Nearest now would be 1 hr 15 minute drive away!

I'm going to get a grip here. I hope to do it without anti depressants but I've been down that road before and can do it again if need be. This week will be hard. Next week will probably be even harder but its one day at a time. One more question...during weak moments when your own mind starts messing with you and justifying his actions and thinking those "maybe" scenarios, what then? Cause I can be Wonder Woman till a tiny seed takes root and within 5 minutes I can be planning a fairytale ending to this story. Thats something I have to avoid at all costs and stay plugged into the real world. BTW, both my kids work. One is a college grad & works full time. One is in college & works parttime so I'm an empty nester as well!?

[msoptimistic]

Thank you lemondrop, and I really believe it may be harder for a MW in some respects. We have the A itself to deal with along with a whole other relationship that needs 100% of our attention. One thing an A does is bring excitement. It is so very hard to blend together that thrill with the ins and outs of everyday life with the H. Plus, in my case, the guilt is overwhelming. And for example, today, I just want to crawl in a corner and cry but you have to put on a happy face and do lots of pretending.

I would love to get those feelings back that I once had with H? The problem is there is just so much baggage now its hard. Its hard to remember us just having fun. When you do put yourself in the mindset of concentrating on M, little what ifs keep popping up. What if I were doing this with MM? What if this is the best we ever get back-is it enough? What if we make it work and the whole A thing comes back and jerks the rug out from under me?

Dealing with a failed A is soooo hard; dealing with a problematic M is soooo hard. Dealing with both at the same time is mind boggling -at least for me!

[msoptimistic]

I feel like I have been a bit over the top today with my meltdown. I will survive. I thank you all for the support and advice and while I am on a roll, I would like to voice one quick other point if I may. For any woman out there in the role of the OW and still married, please be careful about playing the blame game with your H to your family and friends. When things were at their worst in my M and lots of people were asking questions (which I shouldnt have even answered), I took the opportunity to make sure anyone and everyone knew every one of his shortcomings and bad habits and probably magnified them along the way. I treated my daughter as too much of a friend and set a poor example for her of what a M should be. Those feelings I built up with people in my life against my H have made it even harder to deal with the aftermath. Even though he has no habit any worse than any other man, some people think he is still that bad person that I led them to believe he was. Totally unfair and very difficult to repair...especially with my daughter. Be so very careful. Think about priorities. Remember your influence is hard to change even when you realize your mistake. Those words just cannot be erased from your loved one's minds. Just saying....

[Poppy47]

I found it impossible to deal with when I was in the A. One of the reasons I listed for breaking it up was that I didn't want to go and live through another vacation he will be taking with his wife. I mean it is his right to go on vacation with his wife, and kid. Regardless of the A we had, I always assumed that all his usual marriage activities continued. Him on vacation with his family is one of those.

 

It is my right not to live through that as being his OW. Been there, done that. Choose not to do it any more.

 

AMEN to that! I nearly died when xMM went away with his wife.

Poppy

[whichwayisup]

You all are right. If I were truly honest with myself I would be shocked at how much of my time is distracted from what should be all the little things that make life good. I truly can't remember what it feels like to be just happy. I am preoccupied and self absorbed all the time. I don't have hobbies and I don't find enjoyment in the things my H does as hobbies. MM is gone for a week. I didn't beg him not to go or make a fool of myself asking him to think about me but I guess the shock of waking up this morning in one frame of mind to going downhill in a 3 minute timespan threw me. He literally said "I'll be gone for the next week" and hung up. I believe she was listening.

My H has given no indication that he knows but I know he misses the pre-A me so badly. He asks me regularly if I'll ever love him or want him again. He deserves so much better. I tried to blame everything on him, that he pushed me into the A but thats just a scapegoat mechanism. He didnt deserve this and MM's wife doesnt deserve this.

So for 1 week I have no choice. We are in NC, but I will have a choice next week to stay in NC. If anyone has been successful at this and saved their M, please share. It seems so impossible right now. Ready to try drugs or anything ti stop this pain....and thats nit a drama queen talking...no dangerous thoughts, just so tired of living in this way!

 

You have to want to save your marriage and reconnect with your husband. AND END YOUR AFFAIR forever, go no contact. I honestly don't think you're ready nor do you want to. But, my suggest is, do counseling so you can get ready and get strong enough to end it once and for all.

 

One step at a time...Are you willing to do the leg work to end it?

[msoptimistic]

Whichway...I would have agreed with ya that I wasnt ready until today. His voice was different. The tone was different. I was being thrown under the bus. I'm sure it could've been much uglier but it was heartbreaking for me. Spiraled downhill for a few hours and nighttime like this is difficult for me, but I'm ready. Legwork ready? Absolutely. Counseling an option? No. Just not available in this area. Hate the thoughts of anti depressants but not totally opposed either. I have blocked everything and made plans for the first day he would be due back from vacation so calling him wont be an option that day.

Have made plans with H for 3 days next week. And planning to start some put off house projects this week. It hurts...no bones about it...badly.

Do you think he will try to make contact? I hate having to be cautious of every call, text or email but if I hear his voice, I'm afraid I'll break? Changing cell #s just not feasible...too many elderly family members I keep check on to confuse everybody!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Msoptimistic,

 

I know your pain. I am a mw was in an affair with mm. I know the struggle, the heartbreak that occurs daily, I know the guilt and the ability to blame your husband and make him the monster. I know the jealousy and the hate for mm and his life but also the intense love for him and the thinking that you just cannot live without him. I know what it feels like to think the pain of having scraps of his time is better than a boring passionless life without him. I know this and let me tell you all of this is nothing but a lie. Much of what I am going to say will seem harsh but it is nothing different than what I have been telling or told myself. You see these are nothing but lies we tell ourself to make what we are doing okay. No matter if your mm goes on this vacation and fights with his wife the whole time or if goes and they make love every night neither scenario makes any difference because at the end of the day he will still choose her. Every day he stays with her he is telling you through his actions that he chooses to show the world that she is his and you remain his dirty little secret. And the big thing is the thing that should hurt the worst is that he doesn't care if it hurts you because he is as sick to this addiction as you are.

 

Affairs are addictions. You feed his ego and he feeds yours. At some point yes you do fall in love and this is where he knife like pain in your insides comes in because you know in your heart it isn't right to play his dirty secret and you know you deserve more, but you are too addicted at this point to walk away.. Right??? WRONG!! Stop letting this addiction control you and your life. This is not life what you are feeling is a shell of yourself and you have lived it so long you do know how to move forward without this toxic man in your life.

 

Once you make the decision to move forward go NC and stop playing the victim you will truly know what it feels like to live. You will know what strength is. Everyday you choose to take a part of yourself back is the most empowering thing in the world. Do not worry about your what you feel for your husband those answers will come first snd foremost is taking back the control of your life and stop playing victim your addiction and to this man who is a toxic asshat.

 

It's going to hurt but eventually you will feel the sun through the clouds ans it will feel good. Your heart will find happiness that has nothing to do with mm. But and I tell you this the choice has to be yours. it seems like the perfect time while he is gone to go NC and move forward one step at a time.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Msoptimistic,

 

I know your pain. I am a mw was in an affair with mm. I know the struggle, the heartbreak that occurs daily, I know the guilt and the ability to blame your husband and make him the monster. I know the jealousy and the hate for mm and his life but also the intense love for him and the thinking that you just cannot live without him. I know what it feels like to think the pain of having scraps of his time is better than a boring passionless life without him. I know this and let me tell you all of this is nothing but a lie. Much of what I am going to say will seem harsh but it is nothing different than what I have been telling or told myself. You see these are nothing but lies we tell ourself to make what we are doing okay. No matter if your mm goes on this vacation and fights with his wife the whole time or if goes and they make love every night neither scenario makes any difference because at the end of the day he will still choose her. Every day he stays with her he is telling you through his actions that he chooses to show the world that she is his and you remain his dirty little secret. And the big thing is the thing that should hurt the worst is that he doesn't care if it hurts you because he is as sick to this addiction as you are.

 

Affairs are addictions. You feed his ego and he feeds yours. At some point yes you do fall in love and this is where he knife like pain in your insides comes in because you know in your heart it isn't right to play his dirty secret and you know you deserve more, but you are too addicted at this point to walk away.. Right??? WRONG!! Stop letting this addiction control you and your life. This is not life what you are feeling is a shell of yourself and you have lived it so long you do know how to move forward without this toxic man in your life.

 

Once you make the decision to move forward go NC and stop playing the victim you will truly know what it feels like to live. You will know what strength is. Everyday you choose to take a part of yourself back is the most empowering thing in the world. Do not worry about your what you feel for your husband those answers will come first snd foremost is taking back the control of your life and stop playing victim your addiction and to this man who is a toxic asshat.

 

It's going to hurt but eventually you will feel the sun through the clouds ans it will feel good. Your heart will find happiness that has nothing to do with mm. But and I tell you this the choice has to be yours. it seems like the perfect time while he is gone to go NC and move forward one step at a time.

 

THIS!!!

 

This is what it is! It says it all!!! Thank you so much!

[seren]

Maybe you need a plan, set yourself some achievable goals for each day you are going to go a day without being an OW. Maybe part of that is trying to reconnect (hate that word) with your marriage, if that is what you want. I would look at how you want things to be, being with MM not being an option as he has no say in it. So perhaps having lunch with your H, or with friends or children and not checking your phone or thinking about how things might be. I try to view each and every day as a blank page, of course the previous chapters will impact, but each blank page is down to me to fill, I can either fill with much of the same as before, or choose to write a new story.

 

After my H's affair, I thought I could never come back from it, never look at him the same way. It was hard, we had both changed and I knew we both either drowned under anger regret and heartbreak or make sure we wrote our new future. If that makes any sense, it isn't easy, you will have times of despair, but if you want to stay with your H, then begin making small steps to making a new you and he. If not, then making plans to break up and making sure that is as painless for everyone.

 

Sounds like the MM is staying with his wife, don't be anyone's short, hidden phone call and I never understand why a holiday hurts people in A's more than the day to day stuff. Sharing small moments each and every day are far more intimate than a holiday. I hope you can move forward, with either, any and all of your choices. You can get a new phone and just transfer all numbers over and send a generic new phone and number text. No more excuses, and hopefully a better future. Please no anti depressant drugs, that's a road that will cause you more problems down the road, but if it's a prop you need then your choice. I wish you peace x