Problems w/ H about an older MM

[StillHurtin]

I don't know if this part of the site is the best place to post this but since a few of me know my story I thought I would post it here.

 

My sister and bil invited me and my kids out to their place so our kids could go swimming. H does not go w/ me b/c my sister, bil, and my H don't get along anymore since H had an A two years ago during our separation/D.

 

My sister and her family live in the country and are good friends w/ the neighbors down the road. Their neighbor stopped by 2nite while I was there and asked me if I wanted a ride on his quad to go check irrigation. He is almost old enough to be my dad. I know him, he stops at my sister's a lot to visit when I am there. He is a really nice guy, but TBH, he is a little on the perverted side. He is a MM and his W is really nice, met her once. Anyhow, I told him thanks, but no thanks to go check irrigation. He kept asking me to go, my sister and bil said to both go, and kept harping me about going. So I went, to shut them up, and it was harmless. He took me to his pivot a half a mile away and showed me how it worked. When we got back and I was getting off the quad his daughter drove by and honked! I felt awful!!! I told him I felt bad b/c what would his W think. He said not to worry, he takes my sister on the quad to check his crops and she doesn't care.

My sister told me not to worry about it, it was all harmless and his W wouldn't care.

 

My kids seen me leave w/ him so instead of having them tell H I went for a ride w/ this guy I made sure I told him b4 they said anything My H was NOT happy!!! He said " Maybe I ought to do something like that and see how YOU like it!" and he was a total jerk to me! I told him who it was, and he doesn't know him, he does know it's my ex BF's cousin.

 

I was feeling bad for going for a ride w/ this guy. Not only b/c he is a MM, but also b/c I am a MW. I should of never went w/ him and now H is pissed at me! I told my sister H probably wouldn't be too happy about it and she said to blame it on her and my bil b/c they were the ones that kept telling me to go. I know I could of flat out said no, but if you knew my sister and bil, you would know why I just did it to get them off my @ss. They didn't see anything wrong w/ it. I don't know why they wanted me to go so bad. I wouldn't do just anything to get them off my @ss but then again they wouldn't pressure me into anything I didn't feel was right. I guess another reason why I did it was b/c I didn't really see anything wrong w/ riding down to check his pivot at the time and I didn't want my sister and bil to think I was being chicken s*** (my bil called me a chicken s*** when I said no). Would I want H to go riding around w/ some woman? Well, if she was old enough to be his mom and wasn't attracted to her, no. Just a few months ago he had to ride an hour w/ a female co-worker and I didn't freak out b/c she was old enough to be his mom and even my own mom knew her and said not to worry.

 

Was I wrong for going for a ride w/ this older mm to go check his pivot? H is really ticked! I go out to my sister's a lot and this MM goes out there a lot. If he ask me to go check pivots again should I tell him no and not let my sister and bil bully me into it?

[shygurl]

I think you're beating yourself up over nothing. You did nothing wrong. You were bullied into going with this old guy, you're not the least bit interested in him..........so there is nothing wrong.......but in the future, I think it would be best that you don't go again, you don't want this old guy to get the wrong idea and really, it's kind of odd that he'd want to take you off into the country on his ATV..........maybe a little dangerous? Don't let them bully you into it again, if they try to, tell them you don't know what the big hairy deal is, you don't care about the irrigation thing and you're not into riding around with someone's husband, it's just not necessary. Or tell them in advance that you don't feel comfortable doing this again so for them to not bring it up again and try to make a fool of you.

 

Yeah so your husband has his panties in a bunch - you at least told him about it, you feel badly about it.........maybe now he knows what you were feeling when he was having his affair??

 

I'd just try to put it out of your mind - you did nothing wrong.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by shygurl

I think you're beating yourself up over nothing. You did nothing wrong. You were bullied into going with this old guy, you're not the least bit interested in him..........so there is nothing wrong.......but in the future, I think it would be best that you don't go again, you don't want this old guy to get the wrong idea and really, it's kind of odd that he'd want to take you off into the country on his ATV..........maybe a little dangerous? Don't let them bully you into it again, if they try to, tell them you don't know what the big hairy deal is, you don't care about the irrigation thing and you're not into riding around with someone's husband, it's just not necessary. Or tell them in advance that you don't feel comfortable doing this again so for them to not bring it up again and try to make a fool of you.

 

Yeah so your husband has his panties in a bunch - you at least told him about it, you feel badly about it.........maybe now he knows what you were feeling when he was having his affair??

 

I'd just try to put it out of your mind - you did nothing wrong.

 

Thanks shygurl, I am going to take your advice and not do it again. I just hope they don't pressure me into it or make me feel like I am making something out of nothing. Your right, I don't feel comfortable riding around on his ATV not only b/c of my own H but b/c of his W. My sister, bil, and this guy may think it's harmless and she wont care BUT I do. I would never do anything w/ a MM, especially one that is old enough to be my dad, lol. I just didn't feel right about all of it. I don't want the guy to think I am embarrassed or anything to be around him, it's not that, he is a neat guy and fun to talk to, but that is as far as I want it to go. I feel badly for his W. Maybe she acts like she doesn't care her H takes my sister and myself for rides to help him out, or whatever, but maybe deep down inside it does hurt her. I don't want to do that to her. My sister asked me why it was bugging me so much and I flat out told her I knew what it was like to have a spouse have an A. She told me even if I did come onto him he would freak out and pull away, he wouldn't do anything, he is just all talk. I am not too thrilled w/ my sister and bil that they put me in that situation. I should of stood my ground and said no. My sister says I need to start standing up for myself b/c I am a people pleaser but when it comes to standing up to her, she pushes it.

 

Hopefully I will never run into this situation again.

[only1life]

The power of pier pressure! Stinks, doesn't it?

 

I don't think you did do anything wrong, but everybody seems to have a different level of what's OK and what's not OK. And as time goes by, we learn more and more about what our partner feels is OK and not. You've learned from it, and if your H still brings it up, maybe you can turn it into something that he would like, such as, "do you know any place where we can rent one of those 4 wheelers, riding it was fun and I think you'd enjoy it also!" You two could have some fun!

 

And I'm guessing your sis has never been personally involved in an affair situation, so there's no way she can understand how frail your relationship with your husband has become. People who haven't been involved often think that it can't happen to them. Little do they realize how easily the feelings behind an affair can get started. And don't use age as a safety net, I've seen large age differences in affairs, maybe because they didn't think it could happen due to age, they feel safe, but then things do get started. My W's OM was 12 years older.

 

In any case, try to not let your feelings dwell on the past, look towards the good in the future! You did nothing wrong, you need to just get your H mind off of it.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by only1life

The power of pier pressure! Stinks, doesn't it?

 

I don't think you did do anything wrong, but everybody seems to have a different level of what's OK and what's not OK. And as time goes by, we learn more and more about what our partner feels is OK and not. You've learned from it, and if your H still brings it up, maybe you can turn it into something that he would like, such as, "do you know any place where we can rent one of those 4 wheelers, riding it was fun and I think you'd enjoy it also!" You two could have some fun!

 

And I'm guessing your sis has never been personally involved in an affair situation, so there's no way she can understand how frail your relationship with your husband has become. People who haven't been involved often think that it can't happen to them. Little do they realize how easily the feelings behind an affair can get started. And don't use age as a safety net, I've seen large age differences in affairs, maybe because they didn't think it could happen due to age, they feel safe, but then things do get started. My W's OM was 12 years older.

 

In any case, try to not let your feelings dwell on the past, look towards the good in the future! You did nothing wrong, you need to just get your H mind off of it.

 

Thanks only1life. Yes, peer pressure stinks! You would think family wouldn't put you through peer pressure though, lol.

 

H hasn't brought it up again, and I haven't either. I am just letting it go. I can see his point w/ all of it though. I wouldn't want him riding around w/ some woman either so I guess I have to think about it that way also.

 

We have wanted to buy a 4-wheeler since we moved out in the country but our finances are pretty tight right now. My brother deals w/ an ATV dealer and the ATV dealer said he would sell one to us at my brother's cost but we still can't afford one. I know the kids would love to have one and I had a blast driving it around my sister's acreage. I haven't drove one since I was a kid.

 

As for my sister dealing with an A, she thinks her exH had an A when he was on the road (truck driver) but it never bothered her b/c she didn't love him, in fact she said she hated him. He use to beat her up a lot so she got a D. As for her, she hadn't even filed for a D and she was seeing her current H b4 she even D her exH. So, she doesn't know what it's like to feel the pain a person goes through when the spouse you love cheats on you. She trust her H 100% and he trust her so they have no problems w/ eachother flirting w/ OP. My bil actually flirts like mad w/ me right in front of my sister. I don't know how she puts up w/ it. I never flirt back. I think it's pretty rude of him to flirt w/ me period let alone right in front of my sister. It is an akward situation.