Good ways things have changed since the A

[Mrs. John Adams]

And if she wasn't failing to meet his needs in a selfish and cruel way, then what? Sometimes you will say things that I find quite reasonable, and you take time to tell OW that you are sorry that they are hurting even when you go on to suggest a dose of your view of reality. But when it comes to BWs, I have never seen you suggest that you are sorry that they are hurting. So I will answer your question.

 

How was I failing to meet my husband's needs? Well, I developed a chronic illness because of a heart valve defect that became severe during my last pregnancy. Some with my condition are wheel-chair bound, but I am lucky that a few hours of rest a day usually does the trick. However, my husband was very disappointed that I no longer joined him on long walks from our house to the museums or shops, so I guess I was failing to meet his needs there.

 

How about sex? Well, I was prescribed an SSRI for my condition, which killed my libido, but nevertheless I initiated sex at the same rate we had always had it. I could not force my body to be more aroused than it was, and WH internalized this as rejection and stopped initiating sex. I am a "virtuous cycle" type of person, so I just kept on trying to make the best of things. Finally I decided I'd had enough, so I weaned off my SSRI, despite being one of those people who experience bad withdrawals.

 

Meanwhile, my husband would go out multiple nights a week and spend most of the weekend on his sports and activities. The one thing he did was wake up with the kids so I could get more sleep as I really do best on at least 9 hours. During the A, he decided this was too much of an inconvenience and started working out at 5:45 a.m. every morning. He did not ask how I felt about this or take notice of how it affected me. I started conking out in the afternoons because I couldn't stay awake (I won't call it a nap as I literally could not stay conscious).

 

When I would have an episode and need to go to the ER for fluids, my husband would look at me with a look of utter disgust, as though I could just regulate my blood pressure if I tried harder. And so on and so forth. I could go on and on. What did I do? I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, trying to reconnect, reading books, even smelling his armpits to help us bond better. But I could not change my health, and both of us acting like I could just made it worse.

 

On DD, WH exploded with rage at all my failings. He was angry that I didn't wake up with the kids, but instead of telling me, he just started passive aggressively working out so I'd be forced to. He was angry that I didn't ask him about his day, but I was probably groggy from my unintentional naps when he got home. Even 7 months after DD, he was still incredulous that I could believe the affair wasn't at least partly my fault. I may have missed how terribly he was handling my illness but I was never confused on that point. Just by sensing the distance between us, I made changes and efforts, all while the man was cheating on me. I was not unwilling to work on our marriage or be close to him. But I cannot walk three miles out on the town without planning and rest. If that is a deal killer, then fine, but blaming me for something I can't help is, what are the words? Oh yes, cruel and selfish.

 

I believe you were in a sexless marriage and while I don't think anything justifies infidelity, I can understand why your marriage was in trouble. Even at my sickest I made sure to prioritize sex. But for you to time and time again berate BWs without knowing their stories, just because your story went one way, makes it hard to take anything you say seriously. For a person who has been cheated on to use the word "cheater" is so disrespectful that their reconciliation must be false? That's just semantics, and I don't believe you can assess a person's reconciliation based on the selection of word that actually exactly describes what the person did.

 

Do I think I was a perfect wife? Of course not. I have always been open to constructive criticism. Part of the problem was that I too was failing to accept my limitations and be kind to myself. If I had been in a better place, then I think I would have asked about his day or sent loving texts or whatnot. I was definitely exhausted, and I assumed that he knew how much I loved him and that I was giving any extra energy to the kids. That's a common mistake for mothers of young children even without an illness. But no failure to meets needs, even a total lack of sex, justifies an affair. You figure out that your needs aren't being met, discuss it, negotiate a way to make both of you happy, or part ways. You don't say, "Well, she wouldn't walk to the shops with me and she didn't ask about my day so I'm going to fly in my secret girlfriend for a couple of days of sex. Totally justified. [Pats self on back.]"

 

WH has written to me that he realizes how gracious and kind I have been to him regarding the affair. You need to remember that when BWs write on here, they are venting emotions that are natural and reasonable that they may not be flinging at their WHs all the time. I mean, the man acted like I could help being sick. He acted like my sins were egregious when he never addressed them or tried to give me the benefit of the doubt that I was doing my best and harbored him no ill will. And I really truly didn't. The day before DD I was telling my friend who is a therapist that I couldn't see me and WH needing therapy because we communicated well and were happy and connected. The joke was on me! That wasn't his opinion, obviously, but instead of addressing it in a healthy manner he just dug deeper and deeper into an unhealthy escape, breaking some woman's heart for good measure.

 

So, no, it was not my fault. I believe you have confirmation bias when you read BW's writings.

 

This was painful to read heartwhole...and I am very glad you wrote it. VERY GLAD...because you eloquently and honestly said so many things that needed to be shared with those who seem to be self righteous and judgmental.

 

Thank you for sharing this...and hugs dear girl...you have been through so very much. I hope you and Shatteredlady share privately...because the two of you have much in common.

[ladydesigner]

The affair did not save me individually either. It almost destroyed me.

And yes marriages can survive in spite of not because of. You would think that affair survivors would be sensitive to the wording they use on a forum filled with recovering people.

 

Same Mrs. Adams my own A just about killed me. I am still so disappointed in myself that I was so impulsive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

LD...John's RA did the same to him. So I absolutely understand where you are coming from. Shame on your husband and me for putting you and john through this.

[understand50]

I think this is a false question. Of course things are going to get better if you have successful reconciled. You both are working damn hard to make things better. If no cheating had happened, and you did the same work, your marriage would just as good, may be better, as you would avoid all the hurt and pain.

 

Infidelity, is just the "spark". There can be other "sparks", and it would be much better if you could have found something else to get you both to work on your marriage.

[redbaron007]

What are some good things that have changed since the A?

...

Anyone else have some positives?

 

Joie, since you have not explicitly excluded people who have NOT reconciled, I took the liberty of responding anyways.

 

I moved out and filed for divorce a month after D-Day, greatly helped by my WS's lack of any remorse, so after a brief period shock and grief which quickly dissipated, it's been very positive.

 

What are the positives for me from my WS's A:

1> I am physically more fit than when I was in my late 20's and my entire 30's.

2> I learnt one foreign language and will soon start a second.

3> I have taken up street photography.

4> I will soon start learning how to play the guitar.

5> I am both delighted and humbled that beautiful young women engage with and flirt with me, which helped a lot in getting over the initial doubts about whether I'll date anyone ever, let alone women half my age... (BTW these are intelligent, grounded women from stable families, not the stereotypical ones with "FOO" issues! )

6> I don't have any "triggers" since WS is out of my life, so don't have to wait 1, 2, 2.5, 10,20,40 years for that thing called "R".

7> I can post in the "In Search of..." section which, in all honesty, is a LOT more fun section to be in...

8> I will always be proud that I never compromised on my core values, and did not settle for a partner who does not share the same values.

Edited June 30, 2016 by redbaron007

[Mr Blunt]

I moved out and filed for divorce a month after D-Day, greatly helped by my WS's lack of any remorse, so after a brief period shock and grief which quickly dissipated, it's been very positive.

 

What are the positives for me from my WS's A:

1> I am physically more fit than when I was in my late 20's and my entire 30's.

2> I learnt one foreign language and will soon start a second.

3> I have taken up street photography.

4> I will soon start learning how to play the guitar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CONGRATS Redbaron!

I always love to see someone that uses a crises topropel them to improve their lives. That can happen with D or R.

[strugglinghubby]

What has improved? Not that much to be honest, and definitely nowhere near enough to offset the hurt that is caused.

 

If I had to list them, I would say that the positive things all relate to me being a better person for myself. In terms of a new found inner strength I never knew I had, strangely more self confidence once I got over the 'hump' of the pain and hurt.

 

IMO having an affair is probably the worst thing you can do to someone.

[Lobe]

IMO having an affair is probably the worst thing you can do to someone.

 

I've read in a few places that the only thing worse to endure than the pain of betrayal by a wayward spouse is the death of a child. My mother's death was indeed less painful than WH's affair.

 

I wish I could find the source study to cite it properly but I think it's probably pretty godd*amn accurate.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I've read in a few places that the only thing worse to endure than the pain of betrayal by a wayward spouse is the death of a child. My mother's death was indeed less painful than WH's affair.

 

I wish I could find the source study to cite it properly but I think it's probably pretty godd*amn accurate.

 

comparing pain is a pretty difficult thing to do. We are all different and we all process differently. It is like trying to compare one woman's child birth to another woman's child birth...they are all different yet similar.

 

How do you know your pain is worse then someone else's?

You don't.

 

I believe that my infidelity hurt John worse than John's infidelity hurt me....but how would i ever really know? The death of my granddaughter certainly hurt me more than John's infidelity hurt me. Yet My infidelity hurt him more than the death of our granddaughter.

 

Measuring pain is almost impossible. Let's just say...it hurts. Infidelity hurts....and it is a pain that hurts forever.

 

You never get over it...you learn to live with it.

[katielee]

things have improved in our lives because we have more money to spend on fun things (kids all on their own) and we don't take each other for granted. It was too big of a price to pay though. Things weren't that bad before.

We are doing fine.

But I was up hours last night with nightmares of him leaving me for one of my co-workers he's hardly met. He held me. But, he would have before too.

But, we are enjoying life despite all this. The price was maybe one teaspoon less than what would have sunk our ship. That close.

Edited July 1, 2016 by katielee
another word

[dichotomy]

There has been bad and good.

 

Sex generally declined and got worse, and intimacy and honesty is still an issue.

 

However to dwell on the good things that happened since then:

 

Her - N.C. with all people and places tied to A, much more respectful, more praise for me, more giving and helpful partner, more financial stability/contributor, improved boundaries, she is a better mom, she has better friends.

 

Me - Stronger (mind, emotions and body), less anger and worry and fear, more realistic about sex and love, I have grown and expanded myself and my view.

[wmacbride]

things have improved in our lives because we have more money to spend on fun things (kids all on their own) and we don't take each other for granted. It was too big of a price to pay though. Things weren't that bad before.

We are doing fine.

But I was up hours last night with nightmares of him leaving me for one of my co-workers he's hardly met. He held me. But, he would have before too.

But, we are enjoying life despite all this. The price was maybe one teaspoon less than what would have sunk our ship. That close.

 

That's a really good way of expressing it.

[ladydesigner]

What has improved? Not that much to be honest, and definitely nowhere near enough to offset the hurt that is caused.

 

If I had to list them, I would say that the positive things all relate to me being a better person for myself. In terms of a new found inner strength I never knew I had, strangely more self confidence once I got over the 'hump' of the pain and hurt.

 

IMO having an affair is probably the worst thing you can do to someone.

 

Agreed!

 

Another one I would like to add is that I feel my eyes are wide open. I have lost my naivety.

 

For my WH the good ways he has changed is I think he is more self-reflective than he's ever been and I hope he continues to work on himself.

[mizunomead]

Hmmm...Well, lets see. I was able to file for and get a divorce to remove myself from a incredibly toxic woman who obviously had little to no care for my feelings and did not respect me at all.

I no longer have to spend the majority of my spare money on her equestrian pursuits.

I was able to get into therapy to work on myself, my own issues.

 

I feel like i was able to heal myself better, quicker because i did not have to deal with the stress of seeing or talking to her and reliving all that she did every time i talked to her.

 

And now over a yr later i have the opportunity to go out, date some people. Explore the world a bit more. Maybe find a partner that is a bit more compatible and not a cheater. Who knows.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hmmm...Well, lets see. I was able to file for and get a divorce to remove myself from a incredibly toxic woman who obviously had little to no care for my feelings and did not respect me at all.

I no longer have to spend the majority of my spare money on her equestrian pursuits.

I was able to get into therapy to work on myself, my own issues.

 

I feel like i was able to heal myself better, quicker because i did not have to deal with the stress of seeing or talking to her and reliving all that she did every time i talked to her.

 

And now over a yr later i have the opportunity to go out, date some people. Explore the world a bit more. Maybe find a partner that is a bit more compatible and not a cheater. Who knows.

 

Good for you!

 

To quote the Chump Lady, "Lose a cheater, gain a life."

[DKT3]

Hmmm...Well, lets see. I was able to file for and get a divorce to remove myself from a incredibly toxic woman who obviously had little to no care for my feelings and did not respect me at all.

I no longer have to spend the majority of my spare money on her equestrian pursuits.

I was able to get into therapy to work on myself, my own issues.

 

I feel like i was able to heal myself better, quicker because i did not have to deal with the stress of seeing or talking to her and reliving all that she did every time i talked to her.

 

And now over a yr later i have the opportunity to go out, date some people. Explore the world a bit more. Maybe find a partner that is a bit more compatible and not a cheater. Who knows.

 

Bolded part is a must if you wish to be in a healthy relationship in the future. It's easy and common to simply blame the WS.

 

Good for you, best wishes moving forward

[S2B]

I was able to see him for who he really was - instead of who I thought he was.

 

I was able to divorce him - I wasted 25 years with that douche that stole my peace of mind constantly throughout our marriage.

 

I was able to move forward and be happy!

 

Divorcing isn't a bad thing. Staying when one should divorce is tragic.

 

And marriage isn't all it's built up to be for some folks.

 

I can't understand why people fear being on their own - this is fun...freedom, in fact.

[understand50]

I was able to see him for who he really was - instead of who I thought he was.

 

I was able to divorce him - I wasted 25 years with that douche that stole my peace of mind constantly throughout our marriage.

 

I was able to move forward and be happy!

 

Divorcing isn't a bad thing. Staying when one should divorce is tragic.

 

And marriage isn't all it's built up to be for some folks.

 

I can't understand why people fear being on their own - this is fun...freedom, in fact.

 

S2B,

 

Divorce was your answer, and "works" for you. Things are better, you have left a WH, and feel good about it. So the divorce was the way for you. For those that stay and reconcile, or try too, some, I am sure, do fear being alone. Others, have reasons that are valid for them and them alone.

 

Divorce is one of many answers, that should be considered, when confronted with infidelity, but it should not be the only one. On my wife's last transgression, not cheating, I gave divorce a hard look, both emotionally, financially, and impact on my family, and then decided to try and work things out. Fear of being alone was not a issue.

 

We humans are complex, and I think there are many reasons why people decide to forgive and reconcile or divorce. It will be different for each person, and for the situation.

 

I wish you luck.....