A hypothetical: Your partner hasn't told his family about you after 4 months

[neowulf]

So you've been seeing someone for 4 months.

 

During a run of the mill phone conversation with their family, you notice that your partner basically "glosses over" the fact that they're seeing you.

 

When asked about their plans for the weekend, they say "oh, just heading out and about", failing to give any mention of the dinner and movie you guys have planed.

 

So. Question.

 

How much would this bother you personally after 4 months? Would this be a red flag?

[losangelena]

I think it would depend on my partner's relationship with their family. My ex was a from a traditional Indian family. There was no way after four months together he was going to tell them about me, so I wasn't bothered.

 

If they were closer to their family, or their family was more involved in their lives, it might seem weird, especially if we are serious about each other. I would wonder what was going on, for sure.

[neowulf]

I think it would depend on my partner's relationship with their family. My ex was a from a traditional Indian family. There was no way after four months together he was going to tell them about me, so I wasn't bothered.

 

If they were closer to their family, or their family was more involved in their lives, it might seem weird, especially if we are serious about each other. I would wonder what was going on, for sure.

 

All great points. What if the person's family doesn't live in the same state? What if they've admitted that they don't really share the details of their life with their family? Would that make any difference?

[losangelena]

All great points. What if the person's family doesn't live in the same state? What if they've admitted that they don't really share the details of their life with their family? Would that make any difference?

 

Yeah, I think it would. Not everyone has a close relationship with their families, so that fact alone wouldn't really bother me. If I noticed that my partner wasn't including me in ANY part of their lives, that would be an issue. But if his friends know me, and maybe some coworkers; if I'm involved in his life, but if his (admittedly distant family) isn't clued in, that fact alone is not a big deal.

 

How hypothetical is this hypothetical?

[Gloria25]

IMO, four months isn't nothing. You don't know a thing about a person four months and/or if you see a future with them (marriage).

 

And, IMO, unless you're gonna marry that person - no "need" to introduce them and/or bring them home.

 

Quite frankly, even though I'm not a parent - I wouldn't want to know about every Jane/John my kid is seeing until it's serious...I don't wanna know. And I mean it.

[neowulf]

IMO, four months isn't nothing. You don't know a thing about a person four months and/or if you see a future with them (marriage).

 

And, IMO, unless you're gonna marry that person - no "need" to introduce them and/or bring them home.

 

Quite frankly, even though I'm not a parent - I wouldn't want to know about every Jane/John my kid is seeing until it's serious...I don't wanna know. And I mean it.

 

Yes, this was kind of my thinking as well. 4 months isn't a long time. It's not long enough to have really decided if you see a long term future with a person yet. You're still dating and working on building the relationship.

 

So long as the person is involving you in the other aspects of their life, e.g friend, coworkers etc, then I don't see it being a huge deal.

 

The point has been made though that perhaps it could indicate differing levels of emotional commitment? If one individual has already shared details of the relationship with their family and the other hasn't.

[lana-banana]

It could, but it's just as likely to be a reflection on their relationship with their families. I didn't even tell my parents about my boyfriend until we'd been together nine months because we just aren't close like that. We have the understanding that nobody will even come up in conversation until things are very serious. I didn't meet my sisters' SOs until after they were engaged. Different strokes and all that.

[jen1447]

Yep, ppl have diff levels of closeness w/their families, and if a BF/GF even tells you they're not terribly close w/theirs that way, no red flag. I mean it's always possible it's a horrible lie and she's secretly an ax murderer but just not being over-sharey w/the fam in itself doesn't automatically mean sth's wrong.

 

I'm sure my fam never knew most of my GFs haha - I never rushed home to tell them every time I got another one. Some circumstances tend to be less suitable for public knowledge than others. (Not saying this person's bi or gets around but it does illustrate the point of varying levels of sharing.)

[blackcat777]

My boyfriend introduced me to his whole family with relative ease... except his mom. He waited a REALLY long time (I can't remember, but probably a year??) to introduce me to his mom, and that was because of the dynamic of their relationship.

 

It definitely freaked me out sometimes.

 

My boyfriend is an only child, and he was having huge blowouts with his mom after moving out of home finally. It was a major adjustment period for both of them.

 

Anyway, I did finally meet his mom and she's wonderful. Everything is great now.