AtaLoss84 Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 (edited) Her and i dated for 4 years. Things were great at first but then i started having personal problems and things got bad. I became jealous and we did nothing but sit at home. One day after the gym, she had a look of utter disgust on her face and i knew the relationship was over. I helped her back her things and that was that. It totally killed me inside as she was "the one." I just had things that i had to deal with from my past. Over the next few months i begged for her back to no prevail. 2 years went by and we came into contact by my doing. We went out a certain night and on the way home, she started crying and said that i hurt her really bad. Contact stopped shortly after that. So again i had to tell her bye. I went Nc. She dated a guy for 4 years, got married,and then divorced 8 months later. Out of the blue, she hits me up 1 night and said "hey i helped one of your family friends today haha." She's a nurse. This totally shocked me and i was at work so i didn't til the next day. Over the next few weeks we made small talk. Then she was buzzed 1 night and texted me that she needed affection. She said she would love to be cuddling and kissing me. She also said things like "I know it wasnt gonna work in my marriage because i know how it feels to be loved, you loved me to the core." And "thb, i don't know whether we'd be right for each other but I'd like to find out." She knows I'm in the process of transforming myself. I'm going back to school and getting in shape...i was already working on this before she hit me up. Anyways i told her i wasn't trying to be a rebound several times, and several times she said i wasn't. We made plans to hang out. She was starting a lot of our convos. She also made a few confessions, like her driving by my house with her friend 3 weeks before she left her husband. She told her friend all about me and said she felt compelled to drive by. Also during her wedding, everyone wanted to stay at the hotel at the casino that i work at. She told everyone it was full but really she said she couldn't bare the thought of running into me. Now a week has passed and her initiating texts has stopped. She responds pretty quick and no more drunk texts. She's always very nice to me using ! And smilies. Im aware that shes on a few dating apps, as I've seen her on there. One she just set up yesterday. We had plans to meet on monday but i flaked as i was getting a weird feeling. I don't want to be a stepping stone. what's my play here? We're friends on social media again. I still have feelings for this girl and she's been on my mind non stop now. Edited June 24, 2016 by AtaLoss84 Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 If it lasted one night, would you be ok and move on afterwards? What about two weeks or two more years? Maybe your reality is just my dream but it sounds like you're both available (she's rebounding but with constant thought of you) and you're interested in each other.... Can you bear the pain of breaking up with her all over again? Can you get involved if you don't end up together forever? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 If it lasted one night, would you be ok and move on afterwards? What about two weeks or two more years? Maybe your reality is just my dream but it sounds like you're both available (she's rebounding but with constant thought of you) and you're interested in each other.... Can you bear the pain of breaking up with her all over again? Can you get involved if you don't end up together forever? No I wouldn't be ok if it lasted a night. I still have feelings for her and care about her a lot. Again, she knows I'm working on myself. I told her, (like an idiot) that I'd rather be friends than nothing at all. And that i wasn't rushing into anything. This was my response to her drunk text the night before about wanting to cuddle. And she replied "Lets be friends then, and if something eventually happens, then so be it." She came on strong at first and then now she's quite unless i text her first. I guess I'm just having a hard time processing this. I am kinda the one who pushed her away a little bit, but i was worried about being a rebound, and will be busy working on myself. I have so many mixed emotions about all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Do you really want to be friends with a girl you've tried so hard to get over or is that an excuse not to want to get hurt? I can feel your difficulty, but I'm firmly in the give it a try camp. Go on some easy dates without drinking heavy or physical intimacy. Just catch up. Feel it out as "friends" and find out how much she's matured and grown since you knew her and since her marriage. I bet by the end of a few dates you'll sense whether she's just desperate or is really trying to rekindle her long lost love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Do you really want to be friends with a girl you've tried so hard to get over or is that an excuse not to want to get hurt? I can feel your difficulty, but I'm firmly in the give it a try camp. Go on some easy dates without drinking heavy or physical intimacy. Just catch up. Feel it out as "friends" and find out how much she's matured and grown since you knew her and since her marriage. I bet by the end of a few dates you'll sense whether she's just desperate or is really trying to rekindle her long lost love. No i don't only want to be friends. I only said that because i felt pressured to meet up and the timing is off. Part of me feels she only said those things to see if she still "has me." And she does. I'm working on myself and wanted to take things slow. She stopped initiating contact now though. Maybe she just wanted to get laid? I have two options. Keep it like this and small talk every now and then, while working on myself. Or cut all contact off from here, and work on myself. I'm the 1 who said we should be friends but that's not all that i want. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 24, 2016 Author Share Posted June 24, 2016 Here's my dilemma. We are friends on Facebook. She came on strong when for a few days and now she's silent. I can't be just friends but also know she just got out of a LTR and will likely be on the rebound. Do I stay friends with her and work on me (I'll unfollow her Facebook feed) her seeing me transform might spark something even more. Or do I block her from all social media, say my good byes, and move on? I've done nothing but think about her the whole time we were broken up. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 24, 2016 Share Posted June 24, 2016 Ugh danger, I would definitely step back. Sounds like she wanted affection and you were a familiar option. Now she's feeling good and confident and on dating sites. Don't be kept as a back up. I would keep her on Facebook but unfollow her so you don't see her posts in your news feed. Then I would back off and see if she makes an effort to see you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 Yes that's what I was thinking. I don't want to be a back up. Still, why say those things. The whole"tbh I dunno if we'd even work but I'd like to find out." Then go on dating websites. I understand she just got out of a relationship but still. I told her I wanted to take these slow. Maybe she's seeing if I'm being true to my word about focusing on myself? To me, if she wanted to be there, she would be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 25, 2016 Author Share Posted June 25, 2016 I've gotten advice from people in real life, and most of them are suggesting that i tell her how i feel. We are both adults. Good idea or no? Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 I've gotten advice from people in real life, and most of them are suggesting that i tell her how i feel. We are both adults. Good idea or no? Personally, I wouldn't right now. You two been a long time broken up, you should take things slowly. Apparently you didn't even meet her yet. I think you should go out as friends as suggested by bummer, invite her to do something. She will be happy if she's interested and that's a sign that you do want to see her. Then see how it goes and whether you'd like a second date or not. The key is to do everything slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 26, 2016 Author Share Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) Personally, I wouldn't right now. You two been a long time broken up, you should take things slowly. Apparently you didn't even meet her yet. I think you should go out as friends as suggested by bummer, invite her to do something. She will be happy if she's interested and that's a sign that you do want to see her. Then see how it goes and whether you'd like a second date or not. The key is to do everything slowly. Yes we have been broken up for a long time and should take things slow. What worries me is she was trying to rush with me. She wanted to cuddle and hinted at sex. My response to all this to her was basically I wanted everything that she did, but suggested we take it slow. And then since I got a funny feeling and am not where I wanted to be, I canceled our arrangement. Right after this is when she stopped initiating contact. I'm confused now. I don't know if she meant the things she said and backed up because I'm working on myself and wanted to take things slow, or was just looking to have a convienent hook up. If she was just looking to hook up, why say things like "I knew it wouldn't work in my marriage because I know it feels to be loved at my core." And "tbh....idk if we'd be right for each other but I'd like to find out." I'm so confused!!!! Edited June 26, 2016 by AtaLoss84 Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 If a hook up isn't all that you want and in fact that wouldn't make you feel any good, then don't give in. Take your time. Think about yourself first. If she's only looking for a hook up, you'll find out very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 My response to all this to her was basically I wanted everything that she did, but suggested we take it slow. And then since I got a funny feeling and am not where I wanted to be, I canceled our arrangement. Right after this is when she stopped initiating contact. I'm confused now. Maybe you've sent some mixed signals by saying you are interested then cancelling. I think the ball is in your court to initiate now. idk if we'd be right for each other but I'd like to find out." I'm so confused!!!! Stop waffling and do something if youd "like to find out." Make a date. Keep it easy. A "friendly" "casual" "non-drinking" date. If she's your true love you can explain yourself and communicate clearly what each of you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 So after not talking for a few days i sent her this: "So listen, while my everday life is hetic right now and need to stsy focused on that until it starts going, i don't want you to think I'm uninterested. Idk if you mean any of those things you said while buzzed, but if there was truth to it, I'd like to see if there's something there when the times right, if you're still single that is, i miss you. and her response was this: "I'm happy we are able to talk and reconnect, I'm not sure what the future holds but i do think you are right, we both probably have things we need to work on in our own lives right now." Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 She's giving you the space you asked for. That's it. Also: apparently she doesn't discard something in the future, seems like she's easy going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 She's not interested but she doesn't want you to forget her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 She's not interested but she doesn't want you to forget her. You're the only person to say this. Everyone else is saying she's giving me space that i basically said i needed. Keep in mind I'm working on myself, and declined two of her invites because i didn't want to make things harder for myself. Care to clarify why you think what you think? Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 When women are interested in a man we jump at the chance to see them and spend time with them. Never in a million years will they say "we both need to work on ourselves". She wants to date other people, she has Online profiles etc. The writing is on the wall. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 So after not talking for a few days i sent her this: "So listen, while my everday life is hetic right now and need to stsy focused on that until it starts going, i don't want you to think I'm uninterested. Idk if you mean any of those things you said while buzzed, but if there was truth to it, I'd like to see if there's something there when the times right, if you're still single that is, i miss you. and her response was this: "I'm happy we are able to talk and reconnect, I'm not sure what the future holds but i do think you are right, we both probably have things we need to work on in our own lives right now." Thoughts? You've made it clear that not available right now and so she's backing away. Sounds like she's keeping her options open. She will probably keep seeing other guys and if/when you're ready, she will consider you if she's single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 When women are interested in a man we jump at the chance to see them and spend time with them. Never in a million years will they say "we both need to work on ourselves". She wants to date other people, she has Online profiles etc. The writing is on the wall. Even when that man has denied you twice, and the woman just got out of a 5 year relationship. She also knows me to not be ambious. I am and have been for a while now. Look at what she said when she was buzzed. Booze were involved yes, but even the next day, she said she was serious about hanging out, and cuddling. Why say those things then? She drove to my house 3 weeks before her marriage ended because she felt "compelled." Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 You've made it clear that not available right now and so she's backing away. Sounds like she's keeping her options open. She will probably keep seeing other guys and if/when you're ready, she will consider you if she's single. And i wouldn't expect anything less. I don't want to be a rebound and i feel as if it wouldn't be fair to her if i was working and going to school every day. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 You don't have to convince me. This is just what my outsider unbiased opinion is. But I have been divorced. I know the exact feelings that are involved and how easy it is to turn to someone comfortable and be desperate to feel wanted and attractive again. I also know when a woman is interested in a man, there is no waiting around to find oneself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AtaLoss84 Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 You don't have to convince me. This is just what my outsider unbiased opinion is. But I have been divorced. I know the exact feelings that are involved and how easy it is to turn to someone comfortable and be desperate to feel wanted and attractive again. I also know when a woman is interested in a man, there is no waiting around to find oneself. My point is that i left her no other option but wait around. It gets boring texting people. Thanks for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I also know when a woman is interested in a man, there is no waiting around to find oneself. If his ex came to LoveShack and posted asking about his text, what would you tell her? I suppose you'd say something along the lines of: "he's not interested in you". But he is. He's just not ready to try again. And while he's not up for it, he asked for space. Obviously she's not going to wait around. She isn't going to sit at home waiting for him to, one day, show interest. But she isn't going to discard the option of trying again in the future either, considering both of them are single then, and ready for it. OP, I do think she likes you. And she would like to try again, or at very least see you again. But if you're not ready and confused, then you need to take your time. Will it be a risk? Could she change her mind? Of course. But would you rather that or jump into something you're unsure about? Take your time, do what you have to do, and should you ever feel like trying again, then you contact her to see how it goes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Densel Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 If someone declines my invitation twice, I will give up asking again. I dont want to look like a pest. Do not analyse why she is on dating sites, we will never know how she is truely feeling inside. Go meet her. See how she will react in person. Either she will like you more after this date or dislike you more. Vice versa. Texting will not get you any where. Most of the time it will lead to more misunderstandings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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