how to best deal with the fear of rejection

[chumly]

I have such difficulty dealing with the thought of rejection that it actually gets in the way of meeting people from dating sites. I have a very strange belief system in my head that if one person rejects me they all will...especially if they are alot older than me or maybe "not so attractive", I feel like if I cant get them I cant get anybody. I realize as I write this how strange that probably sounds..however, this is what plays on in my mind when I think about rejection

 

Just wondering if others can relate or offer advise on how to overcome the fear of rejection?? It might help if you have any stories to share where you were rejected by one person but accepted by another.. since I am a female,I would particularly be interested in hearing from females on this subject. I

 

Anyway, I look forward to reading responses. Thanks in advance.

[smudge21]

Right with you and yes it does hold me back many times. In fact the majority of my dating life has just happened, ie: I've just met someone as a friend or at work and we've clicked over time, rather than jumping straight into dating. And that I believe is the main point, that when I know from the kick off that this is a date, there's that fear of rejection.. whereas when it's just a casual thing with no suggestion of anything more, I'm able to be myself and be more relaxed. Maybe you should look at each online date as nothing more than meeting a new person without any thoughts of it being anything more than that.

[gkly]

Always bring out the best self and don't think about it too much. Having back up plans (other dates) help you to feel more carefree too.

[BaileyB]

I too have let the fear of rejection stop me from taking risks with dating in the past.

 

I often think (dare I say it) about something Dr Phil has said... And that is, that it is not what happens, but your belief that you are strong enough to handle what happens, that is most important. When you believe that you can handle whatever comes your way, you are really strong and free!

 

I have found, as I have gotten older, that I fear rejection less. The reason is, I have experienced failure, loss, and rejection and I now know that I will get through it and be just fine. I have a much stronger belief in myself and thus, although it may hurt, I now know that my life will continue along and I will be ok if/when I get rejected.

 

It is a risk to date and be hurt, but you also get hurt by living your life with regrets and never having the experience of dating/finding someone to love. Take the risk!

[Gaeta]

Buy the book 'the Giant Within'.

 

In it they will ask you. So you are afraid of being rejected...what is the worse thing that could happen if you are being rejected? Answer is: Nothing.

 

Those fears are in your head only. Rejection from a dating sites has no incidence on your life. So you go meet a lady and she does not want to see you again. It changes nothing to you or your life. You are still the same dude, with the same home, same car, same job, same bills to pay. You are still alive with all of your limps. So again, why is it so bad to be rejected?

[basil67]

I'm not sure about why you'd get upset about someone a lot older than you rejecting you. Why would an old person date a young person who they have nothing in common with? Surely it's just commonsense that it won't work out. As for the 'not so attractive', perhaps you need to rethink how you look at other people. Shallow isn't attractive.

 

Regarding dealing with rejection, you need to learn resilience. It's about the ability to bounce back after adversity. There are a zillion resources on building resilience out there on the net.

[chumly]

thanks so much for the interesting responses so far! I really appreciate it.

 

I agree with smudge21s approach. I actually wish there was a more casual way to meet people for me other than online dating but since I work from home and dont get out much my choices are so limited. however, I do make a point in my dating profile that I am interested in meeting as friends first so this does take some of the stress involved away but even with that I still have that rejection fear.

 

Bailey B...i agree that sometimes in life you just have to take the risk!! how else will u ever get what u want!

 

Gaeta...thanks for the interesting sounding book suggestion..I will have to check that out.

 

thanks for all the responses so far. i am still interested in hearing more.

[basil67]

I'd work more on getting out and meeting people. And 'friends first' kinda tells a guy that you're damaged or very wary. If that's not the case, I'd be dumping that bit from your profile.

 

What does your social circle look like? Do you have friends who you may be able to meet someone through

[4x4storm]

I had the same issue 7 months ago when I first started dating It took me 2 full weeks to work up the courage to ask some girl out on tinder

 

The more I did it the more I got use to it! now I can do it at the drop of a hat if she replies with "no sorry" oh well you simply say to yourself I deserve better anyway.

[hippychick3]

The best way to overcome the fear is to have multiple dates/meetings set up so if one guy doesn't ask you out again, you'll have others to "fall back on." Don't get attached to any one person until you've gone out MANY times and they have shown you consistency and high interest. Until then, stay detached and BUSY with your life.

[Cablebandit]

I got over rejection in a Summer working at Six Flags. My best friend and I would challenge each other to go hit on a chick that we chose for each other to approach. We got rejected a lot but got over it quickly and learned how to approach and read people. That was a summer filled with a lot of rejection and a lot of sex from different gals.

 

Many women open their mouth and WE reject THEM....you are just making the first step because somebody has to be THE MAN. We know most women don't have the confidence to approach like we do or the self esteem. Try approaching women above your "league"...it's great practice and some will say yes because others are too intimidated to approach them.....supermodels say this all the time.

 

Don't think a lot about it...you see her, go after her. Not all women are the unapproachable and entitlement minded gals that we often see on the internet. You gotta approach a lot of hens to find one worth YOUR effort.

[TXGuy]

Once I figured this out, it (over time) cured me of my fear of rejection:

 

If you put yourself out there, you WILL get rejected. It is a certainty. Not every time, but at least sometimes. It stings a little, but you are really no worse off than you were before you tried. Think about it. The day after you get a no is really no worse than the day before you tried.

 

Hopefully, because of that interaction, you learned a little something that will help in the future. Maybe you made some silly mistake that messed things up (we all have done that). Bad that it happened, but good you know not to do that mistake again. You build experience by making lots of mistakes. Remember, rejections are inevitable, they are nothing to be scared of.

 

Also, getting a 'no' (rejection) isn't all bad. The good thing about it is the fact that you can stop wasting time on a person who is not interested. You have more time for someone who might be interested. I no longer 'slow play' my dating. Getting to a yes/no more quickly (for whatever the next step is) is the way to go for me, even if the answer is no.

 

And to repeat the most important point above, knowing you will get rejected (at least from time to time) takes away the power of the rejection. It will only bother you as much as you let it bother you. (Almost) No one else will know whether or not some stranger rejected you or not. If they did know, they wouldn't care (at least not to think badly of you).

[Redhead14]

I have such difficulty dealing with the thought of rejection that it actually gets in the way of meeting people from dating sites. I have a very strange belief system in my head that if one person rejects me they all will...especially if they are alot older than me or maybe "not so attractive", I feel like if I cant get them I cant get anybody. I realize as I write this how strange that probably sounds..however, this is what plays on in my mind when I think about rejection

 

Just wondering if others can relate or offer advise on how to overcome the fear of rejection?? It might help if you have any stories to share where you were rejected by one person but accepted by another.. since I am a female,I would particularly be interested in hearing from females on this subject. I

 

Anyway, I look forward to reading responses. Thanks in advance.

 

Rejection is too strong a term to be applied to being turned down for meeting people from OLD or for situations whereby you've met someone a couple of times and they opt to stop seeing you. They can't "reject" you if they don't know you. They simply aren't attracted to you enough. And, it could be the other way around. It's two way street. And, that is not a conscious decision per se. That kinda happens "behind the scenes" so to speak. You don't meet someone and each party says to themselves -- I'm gonna make myself like/be attracted to this one. It either happens or it doesn't.

 

Rejection would be more about someone who turns away from you after having known you for some time and making more of an informed decision to move on. And, even then I wouldn't call it rejecting, I'd call it "hey, we just aren't for each other".

 

I wish people would take the word "rejection" out of the dating vocabulary. It's a negative spin on something that isn't something we necessarily control. It is what it is.

 

People who have this kind of fear are really people who can handle the word "no" without taking it personally. Not everything is about you

[kendahke]

I have such difficulty dealing with the thought of rejection that it actually gets in the way of meeting people from dating sites. I have a very strange belief system in my head that if one person rejects me they all will...especially if they are alot older than me or maybe "not so attractive", I feel like if I cant get them I cant get anybody. I realize as I write this how strange that probably sounds..however, this is what plays on in my mind when I think about rejection

 

Just wondering if others can relate or offer advise on how to overcome the fear of rejection?? It might help if you have any stories to share where you were rejected by one person but accepted by another.. since I am a female,I would particularly be interested in hearing from females on this subject. I

 

Anyway, I look forward to reading responses. Thanks in advance.

 

With an open Word document, write down the question:

 

Why do I fear rejection?

 

When you answer the question, keep asking yourself "why" to every answer you give. You need to drill down on why you reach for this mindset first instead of "oh well... next!"

 

Also, ask yourself "why do I reject (a particular person)?" and keep asking yourself "why" to every answer you give.

 

Now, is it fair that you have reasons for rejecting, but those you're interested in don't?

Edited June 24, 2016 by kendahke

[Dark Horse]

Yes rejection will hurt, you will feel bad. Perhaps even really bad if you really liked the person. But the pain of living a life without ever getting to experience love and companionship or sex will hurt even more. Don't listen to the people who say enjoy being single because I believe that you have to experience what it's like before you can truely appreciate being single. Plus it's better to have loved than to have never been loved.

 

If you never talk to that girl that you like, then you will never know if you could have been succesful. She could have been interested, she could have said yes if you asked for her number, you two could be having loads of sex, maybe a FWB? She could be your next girlfriend, and even if you two just became friends she could have set you up with other girls.

 

But you'll never know if you never try. Instead you watch her walk away perhaps with another guy who was more bold than you were.

 

If you like a girl so much then you know that you can't simply let her walk away without trying. Don't make the same mistakes you've made in the past. Don't make the same mistake I did, letting women walk away without trying.

 

 

Reject is better than regret.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Dark Horse

[SwordofFlame]

The solution is to get rejected over and over. You get used to it. It's also what men have to deal with.

[Versacehottie]

I too have let the fear of rejection stop me from taking risks with dating in the past.

 

I often think (dare I say it) about something Dr Phil has said... And that is, that it is not what happens, but your belief that you are strong enough to handle what happens, that is most important. When you believe that you can handle whatever comes your way, you are really strong and free!

 

I have found, as I have gotten older, that I fear rejection less. The reason is, I have experienced failure, loss, and rejection and I now know that I will get through it and be just fine. I have a much stronger belief in myself and thus, although it may hurt, I now know that my life will continue along and I will be ok if/when I get rejected.

 

It is a risk to date and be hurt, but you also get hurt by living your life with regrets and never having the experience of dating/finding someone to love. Take the risk!

 

Great post. I think, especially when it comes to initial stages of dating, you just have to put yourself out there and EXPERIENCE things. That's what your mind thinks it is doing by being reluctant or finding fault with every dating possibility--it's attempting to protect you. But at a certain point, you are actually hurting yourself more by retreating into a life that does not serve you in the way you dream of. Your regret will hurt more. Take risks and have experiences.

 

You need to dial down the importance of minor instances of dating. Try saying yes to almost everything (within reason) so you can find yourself "experiencing" more. Most first dates are harmless. There will be more to debate once you are several dates in and potentially wasting time with someone or having opportunity cost of being with the wrong person vs attempting to find the right person. If you fear rejection so much so that you fail to live your life, you will actually BECOME MORE AFRAID of rejection. Not less. The only way to not fear it is to "face" it. Risk being hurt. It's not so bad. And you will just need to stay in tune with what you want and your feelings and coping skills so that rejections don't devastate you or set you back. There is great strength in just knowing as someone said that you "can" deal with whatever comes your way. That's why on your other thread, I said to just go. You will get experience from it--if for nothing else than knowing that you "can" do it. Great strength in knowing that whatever life throws your way, you can rely on yourself to decide and get through it. Reasons to say "No" are incredibly easy to find. Look at people who have great lives, they find reasons to say yes or what if. Look at possibilities...

[Justanaverageguy]

I had the same issue 7 months ago when I first started dating It took me 2 full weeks to work up the courage to ask some girl out on tinder

 

The more I did it the more I got use to it! now I can do it at the drop of a hat if she replies with "no sorry" oh well you simply say to yourself I deserve better anyway.

 

This is essentially the answer. It really is that simple. Dive in head first. Have some wins have some losses and you suddenly realize it's not such a big deal:

[katiegrl]

The way I see this, rejection is not the problem.

 

It is a symptom of a much larger "disease" -- that being low self-esteem and various anxieties and insecurities.

 

The only way to get over a fear of rejection is to FIRST resolve your anxiety issues and low self-esteem.

 

Once you feel good about yourself and hold YOURSELF in high esteem, being rejected will roll off your back.

 

Won't say it doesn't sting for a second, depending on how into or invested you were, but it won't debilitate you to the point of not ever wanting to date again.

 

Do some introspection to learn about yourself and why you respond the way you do. Why you become so anxious and don't feel good about yourself.

 

Do some volunteer work, volunteering and helping others is a great way to raise one's own self-esteem.... trust me on that! Worked for me an many others.

 

Again, once you start feeling good about yourself and hold yourself in high self-esteem, rejection won't affect you as much if at all!.

 

You will be disappointed sure.... but you'll be like "next" and move on.

 

When you hold yourself in high self-esteem... you KNOW you will meet others who WON'T reject you because you are a valuable person with a lot to offer.

 

But YOU have to believe that -- it won't work if you're faking it....

Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[chumly]

thanks for all the great and interesting responses on how to deal with rejection! I will read them all over again to absorb them all! Thanks again:)

[preraph]

How to deal with fear is to make yourself do it anyway, if it's something you know needs to be done. I am always puzzled by people who think there's something wrong with stepping out of their comfort zone. Doing that is half of what being an adult and taking care of business is all about.

[mizunomead]

rejection is a part of life. every single person has to deal with it in some area of their life at some point.

i think the key is finding a way to accept it and not let it emotionally affect you. dont take it personally. if you cant do that then your probably not ready to be dating. because you will get rejected, and you will reject people too. its just part of life.

even above average looks women get rejected at times. i met a gal about a month ago that was very attractive by most standards. but i just didnt get a vibe with her so i let her know that she was a great person. just not a great person for me. she flipped on me. obviously she was not used to being turned down. but it happens.

i think to be really successful in dating you have to be comfortable with yourself and your life. personallg im looking for someone to compliment my the life i have. i live a pretty good life. i am fine with being on my own. i would like to meet someone to enjoy life with, but its a complimentory piece to what i have, not a necessity or a missing piece.

dont look at it as...man she was perfect but she wouldnt go on a date with me. look at it as...hmm, well she seemed like she would be interesting to meet but she didnt feel it so no worries i message this other gal.

or, instead of it was the man she was hot and great on our coffee meet but she wont go out again, whats wrong with me. go with, well i enjoyed meeting her but it wasnt a mjtual click, i hope she finds what she is looking for and i am looking forward to meeting the next person.

its all in the attitude man. learn to be self assured, self confident and not needy. and you will eventually find some women that you will click with.

[juniorrocha]

I used to feel the same, but you would be impressed at how attractiveness works. The best way to deal with the fear or rejection is getting out of your comfort zone. You'll see that getting a no isn't really a big deal. Especially when you start receiving yes.

 

I can assure you that someone may reject you now, but then you move forward and you'll find someone who you will reject, and eventually you'll meet someone who will feel the same way about you. That's how it goes.

 

What you should put in your head is: you'll never know, if you never try. And just because one person in the world rejected you, doesn't means the other 7 billions will.

[chumly]

thanks so much for the added thoughts on the topic.

 

mizunomead...I found your story about how you rejected the nice looking woman interesting. I always wondered if the best looking people experience the sting of rejection too so it is good to know that it truly happens to everyone.

 

juniorrocha..great advice as well..yes, for some reason I get this strange idea in my head that if one man rejects me they all will. I know it sounds crazy to even say that but it is a weird belief system that I have. I got to realize that that is not true at all.

 

I also go above and beyond what most probably do to be honest about myself in my dating profile. I talk about all my beliefs right up front and even describe myself physically to a tee. I even include several video greetings in my profile so this way when people respond to me they will know exactly what I want, how I look and how I sound. I also tell people that I am looking to start as friends. I think starting as friends takes alot of pressure off and tends to remove the unrealistic expectations that most place on online dating..but even with all that I still have that fear of rejection.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all the great advice. I really appreciate it.

[spiderowl]

We are like molecules in this great game of life. We move around, bump into others, interact with them or bounce off them and move on. Why assume there is any grand rationale behind it all? It is pure instinct and pretty unpredictable. We do not know why some molecules stick together, blend, or separate. Why do we assume we know the same about humans and dating? It all seems fairly random in the grand scheme of things.