I have become the other woman, deeply in love with him

[autumntears]

I no longer know what I need to do and my life is now in a mess. Started with us hanging out regularly for drinks and chit chat, and we were merely friends. He shared with me about his family and his intention to end the marriage. I suggested to him to try work out the marriage since they are together for a long time. But time and again he told me there is no love and he is just waiting for the right time to end the marriage. Days passed and we continued to hang out and I enjoyed his company but still nothing more than friends. He started to develop feelings for me and told me that he likes me, but knowing that he is married I kept a distance from him. For 6 months I had been rejecting him.

 

It wasn't until a time when he had to go overseas on a business trip that I felt a void. I missed him and that was when I realised I have developed feelings for him. One night after he came back we had a chat and he shared with me what went wrong in his marriage, and why he is adamant on ending the marriage. I agreed to the relationship, on the condition that he filed the papers by a certain time frame. Loving him is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. We are together close to a year and he has been really loving and doting. Spending time with me whenever he can.

 

However, as the days go by, I become very insecure and needed constant assurance. Whenever he can't keep me company on days he could, I start to imagine things and lots of negativity comes to my mind. They have a son. When he is with his family I would think that he is trying work out his marriage. I would imagine them to be loving. When that happens, I start to message him and ask him with tons of questions. Questions like "Are you really ending the marriage?", "Please tell me if you have decided to stay in the marriage". My insecurity, doubts and crankiness have somehow pushed him away from me. Just this month alone, we had two major arguments and we almost broke up. In my mind, if he is working on his marriage, he should let me know and cut off all contacts with me. For a matter of fact, he still tells me that his decision to end the marriage is firm. Recently I asked him again for the timeline - this was what he said to me: "the more you ask, the more I won't do it. I will do it when I want to do it." I am in a limbo and it is really torturous for me.

 

I am really helpless. Giving him a deadline I know I won't have the courage to move on. But I do not want to be the other woman, and I don't want to wait forever like this. I really just want a normal relationship. I know I can choose to walk away, but for now I am so in love with him. I really do not know what to do. He told me to trust him and if I cannot trust him just move on. He doesn't need to explain to me everything, and doesn't need to explain to me why he can't meet me. He told me he needs a woman who can complement him. Recently, he told her that he wants to split and he told me he wants to work her so that her heart dies and asks for it, the process will be much faster. He doesn't want it to be complicated with third party, counselling and all. He told me if I can't wait then please move on.

Edited June 24, 2016 by autumntears

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

Here is a clip from my journals:

 

 

"What the other woman believes.

 

 

The greater part of any affair is fantasy and make-believe:

 

"He's a great guy, but he's trapped in an unhappy marriage. He and his wife haven't had sex in years. He says he has no feelings for her, and loves me. He feels that he can't leave because of what it would do to his kids, but I do think that he'll leave her though, when the kids are a bit older."

 

This is life on the edge of reality, in a little bubble of imaginings."

 

 

Take care.

[getsmartie]

You didn't become the OW. You were always the OW. If you truly believe that you became one then you're completely fantasizing.

 

I'd walk away from this.

[Disillusioned_2011]

Well, you'll never know 100% what his true intentions are. Some mm will lie and deceive to get what they want, but some are truly unhappy in their Ms, and meeting somebody new and exciting will strengthen their belief that their existing M is more or less dead. If your guy falls in the first category, then it's a dead end street. Obviously. If he's the latter, then he may want a D, but there are so many factors to consider, and if they have a W who's not on the same page, aka wants to stay M, then it'll be even tougher for them to pull the plug. Men don't divorce just because they're not 100% happy. There must be a serious reason for a D, like a cheating or abusive wife. Unlike women, most men - in my experience - are "fine" staying, even if the sex life or the emotional support or whatever is not ideal.

 

If he really has the intention to D (and be with you), then yes, I've seen it over and over again, he will need time. Time to find an amicable solution together with his W. He probably wants to avoid any conflict, like so many men, they just hate conflict so so much, that they'd rather have their spouse voice that desire to end a marriage. That way, they can just "agree" and work out a dissolution agreement and whatnot. But rarely have I seen an MM actively take the necessary steps towards a D against their spouse's will, if there hasn't been anything SIGNIFICANTLY wrong with their M. Eg if there's abuse, infidelity, drug use, alcoholism, serious money issues etc. - an mm will have - in his mind - a true reason to end a marriage, because there's sufficient justification. But if there's not, he'll want to either enjoy the mistress on the side, or try to ease the spouse into thinking that splitting up is a good idea. Again, that way he'll have a sufficient amount of justification ("we're both on the same page; the M is over; we are in agreement" .....). During this phase, if a third party pushes him

in that direction, he'll likely withdraw. He might be slightly unhappy, or think that there are greener pastures somewhere (eg you, in this case), but if he has to fight for a D (for no apparent reason, because the M is "ok"), he will get cold feet and regroup. Especially if someone pushes him. It's just too much stress to put up with that much pressure. They'd rather clam up and withdraw. The whole thing is obviously even more difficult if younger children are involved. Or children in general, who haven't finished school yet and/or still live at home. I don't know how old the son is in your case, but that'll make it harder for him, too, depending on the age of the child.

 

So if you want him, and if you're so in love, and I'm not blaming you, then you can do literally nothing. Just be supportive, a good listener, hear him out, but live your own life, while he figures things out. Go on dates. Don't wait around. Show him he's important to you, but don't demand anything. Ultimatums are deadly in those situations. You'll just lose. Ideally, I would say that you should just call it quits altogether. That will likely end the A for good, may take a while, but eventually he'll move on because he'll see it's less stress, he might replace you even, but for your it would be a clear cut. If you can't do that (yet), lean back and don't get involved in his decision-making.

[Poppy47]

You are involved with a controlling self entitled twat.

 

You don't know anything about him, his marriage or what he has said to his wife.

Bet you he has said nothing.

 

When he says he would like a woman to complement him... I think he means he wants somebody to do what his wife won't do.

 

Excuse me for being cynical and blunt, but I have been there.

 

You are NOT helpless.Yes he certainly does need to explain everything to you if you have a timeline and you are waiting for him.

Poppy.

[malvern99]

Run away from this guy autumntears. Run as fast as your legs will carry you. Your last paragraph is heartbreaking, because that level of manipulation and emotional bullying is not love. He is essentially telling you to shut up and sit down. He knows he has you in the palm of his hand and can treat you however he wants. Put a stop to it. Show yourself a little respect and leave the married man alone.

[BuddyX]

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.

[Ruffian1]

Recently, he told her that he wants to split and he told me he wants to work her so that her heart dies and asks for it, the process will be much faster.

 

Manipulate much?

 

That was just awful to read.

 

No, he is heart-less to do that to his W.

 

You get what you see.

 

He gave you his answer.

 

He will D when it is good timing for him. Unless he changes his mind.

Unless he never intended too anyway,

unless

unless

 

Actions, words mean little . . . .do you trust him?

[loveisanaction]

autumntears, your married man is making it very clear that he no longer wants to be in an affair with you, he wants you to move on; I think it’s time you start listening to him.

 

This is a very common theme with married men. A married man meets this fun lady, there’s an attraction, he goes on and on about how unhappy he is in his marriage, the lady gives him a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. Before you know it they are sleeping together. The married man makes promises of them being together and to ‘just give him time.’ Initially the other woman believes him but as times goes on it becomes clear that her married man is not going to leave his wife for her.

 

Men (married and un-married) say the craziest things to a woman that they are very attracted to. In that moment everything he is saying is true but he means it ONLY in that moment; his hormones have gotten the best of him. This is where the other woman gets caught up, she starts to believe every word her married man is telling her and begins to dream of a future with him; words have amazing effects on us women.

 

Once the married man has had continuous sex with his other woman his hormones start to level off, he is no longer thinking with his little head and has now begun to think with his big head; he starts to think logically. No longer is his marriage so miserable, no longer does he want to divorce his wife, no longer does he have fantasies of running off and living happily ever after with his other woman. Now, he wants to be a family man, raise his kids, provide for his home, repair the roof that has been leaking. However, he does not want to give up his fascistic sex life with his other woman either so he does the next classical thing in the cheater's handbook....he becomes a cake eater. This often leaves the other woman thinking "what the hell is happening?”

 

When a woman knowingly enters into an appropriate relationship with a married man she has to understand that there is a 99% chance that he’s in it for sex; to think otherwise is foolish. Initially it may not seem like the married man is future faking her because what he is saying sounds real and true but when a man’s hormones are raging….he can and will say anything.

 

OP, cry, heal, move on and never get involved with another woman’s husband ever again. Go and find yourself a man who is single and available. Contrary to popular belief….they exist.

Edited June 24, 2016 by loveisanaction

[privategal]

"He told me if I can't wait then please move on."

 

M.o.v.e. o.n

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

"Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Many of them do this again and again with woman after woman."

 

 

Take care.

[autumntears]

Thanks everyone for your advice. But I believe right now anything that is being said is hard to get into my head. I do know what I should be doing,and many of the things written here I am aware. I am still hoping and waiting.

[autumntears]

I am stuck in my current situation, unable to pull myself out of it. I am slowly falling into depression. I hide myself in the room for days, without food and can't sleep.

[GorillaTheater]

I am stuck in my current situation, unable to pull myself out of it. I am slowly falling into depression. I hide myself in the room for days, without food and can't sleep.

 

 

Life is too short as it is. If a person or situation is sucking the life out of you, you have to fix it.

[Satu]

You've fallen victim to a heartless conman.

 

You are devastated, understandably.

 

The best thing for you would be to go for watertight NC.

 

I'm sure that isn't what you want to hear, but it is the best option.

 

Once you've done that, you can start your healing.

 

Without NC, I doubt that there can be any healing.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[anika99]

Recently, he told her that he wants to split and he told me he wants to work her so that her heart dies and asks for it, the process will be much faster.

 

Manipulate much?

 

That was just awful to read.

 

No, he is heart-less to do that to his W.

 

You get what you see.

 

He gave you his answer.

 

He will D when it is good timing for him. Unless he changes his mind.

Unless he never intended too anyway,

unless

unless

 

Actions, words mean little . . . .do you trust him?

 

Agreed! Any man who not only cheats on his wife but also plans to get out of the marriage by being such a jerk that his wife feels like she has not choice but to leave, is a slimy little creep.

 

 

OP you are so blinded by your infatuation for this guy. You are seeing first hand that he is a cheater and a conflict avoider and yet you think he is a prize. This guy you are so desperate to have as your own is no catch. If you he leaves to be with you, you will be sorry you ever met him because he has no problem hurting the people, including you.

[Maggie888]

Why dont you just contact the wife and tell her. He said himself it will be easier if she initiated the divorce. So tell her about the affair and maybe she will initiate it. He will be angry at first but he truly loves you right? So ultimately he will be able to now be with his true love.

 

Otherwise your only option is to

 

1) quit complaining, give him everything he wants, enjoy your limited time together, and never mention him divorcing nor have amy expectation that he will. Be his dutiful OW and dont rock the boat

 

Or

 

2) stop contact with him. Completely.

[autumntears]

I do know morally what I am doing is wrong. Really it is hard to control when you are in the situation. Expectation is killing me. I long for a normal relationship with him. I am not talking about becoming his wife. I am talking about being a normal dating couple, and be open about the relationship. Someone told me this - when i focus too much on the outcome, expectation is formed. With expectation comes disappointment. If I feel that the man is worth my time, I should enjoy the time with him and whatever the outcome if it is what I want will come as a bonus. He told me that I have to keep in mind that nothing is for sure, and there is no guarantee to begin with, even in a normal relationship. Besides, divorce is an emotional process and not a project. We cannot manage relationship like a project, setting KPIs and timeline. Just enjoy the process and be happy. It will come to a time when you know it is time to move on. If you are still happy and willing to wait, then dun set any expectation. Always have in mind that nothing is for sure, and be prepared that he might eventually leave. My friend is worried about my emotional wellbeing because he feels that I am overly focused on the relationship.

[autumntears]

You didn't become the OW. You were always the OW. If you truly believe that you became one then you're completely fantasizing.

 

I'd walk away from this.

 

 

I know now I am OW. I fought hard and resisted .. still it is hard when it comes to matters of the heart. It is really not something I see myself getting into.

[malvern99]

I am stuck in my current situation, unable to pull myself out of it. I am slowly falling into depression. I hide myself in the room for days, without food and can't sleep.

 

You find yourself in exactly the position the MM wants you in. You are being nice and docile and accepting of whatever crumbs he throws your way. Why would he change anything? He has the stability at home and the "fun time" girlfriend on the side... that's the best of both worlds for him. For you and his wife though, things are not so good, but why should he care? He's got his cake and he is going to eat the f*ck out of it until someone puts a stop to it.

 

Essentially you have given him control over how you feel about yourself, and that is a very dangerous place to be. That's no way to live. The good news though is you can take that control back anytime you choose. You have as much right to make decisions about your life as he has to make decisions about his life. He's decided to slow walk "leaving" his wife, so you should decide to put this chapter behind you and move on. The world is too big to be messing around with married people anyway because you will never get all of them, so leave them alone and start relationships that don't have to be kept in the dark. Try reading up on codependency and see if it strikes a chord.

 

The sad thing about watching single people messing with married people is watching how they devalue themselves. You are worth more than an afterthought. In a healthy relationship, you should be as devoted to your partner as he would be devoted to you. In your case however, the devotion seems to run one way, and he has let you know where you stand. What you do with that information is completely up to you. I wish you the best of luck.

[Lobe]

He told me he needs a woman who can complement him. Recently, he told her that he wants to split and he told me he wants to work her so that her heart dies and asks for it, the process will be much faster. He doesn't want it to be complicated with third party, counselling and all. He told me if I can't wait then please move on.

 

Gobsmacked. Read what you wrote, slowly, carefully. Pore over those words that he shared with you. What happens to you when you're no longer the shiny new plaything who stroked his ego and makes him feel like he's invincible? Does he work you until your heart dies, too? So that he doesn't look like the bad guy for walking out on his wife? Your MM is the textbook edition of entitled cake-eating manipulative narcissist. What a piece.

 

Show him the door. Slam it fast enough it hits him on the @ss on the way out.

[getsmartie]

He's a master manipulator slowly grooming you to where he wanted this to go.

 

He used you, abused you and played you for a fool!

 

Now what are YOU going to do about it?

[Grapesofwrath]

this was what he said to me: "the more you ask, the more I won't do it. I will do it when I want to do it."

 

Autumn: Please read the above again. Imagine a friend, a relative, or a single man you are dating giving this response in answer to a request you made for something you need.

 

I think this is the core of the issue, right here. Even if he left his wife tomorrow, is this really the kind of person you want in your life? Someone who intentionally withholds things from you because he knows you want them? Maybe he is going to divorce her someday (though I doubt that very much based on your description). This sentence alone tells you what kind of relationship it will be.

 

I know it hurts. I know you feel you are in love. Keep reading here. Read every single thread. The commonalities between the stories will start to appear and your feelings will change. You will end it when you are ready.

[anika99]

I do know morally what I am doing is wrong. Really it is hard to control when you are in the situation. Expectation is killing me. I long for a normal relationship with him. I am not talking about becoming his wife. I am talking about being a normal dating couple, and be open about the relationship. Someone told me this - when i focus too much on the outcome, expectation is formed. With expectation comes disappointment. If I feel that the man is worth my time, I should enjoy the time with him and whatever the outcome if it is what I want will come as a bonus. He told me that I have to keep in mind that nothing is for sure, and there is no guarantee to begin with, even in a normal relationship. Besides, divorce is an emotional process and not a project. We cannot manage relationship like a project, setting KPIs and timeline. Just enjoy the process and be happy. It will come to a time when you know it is time to move on. If you are still happy and willing to wait, then dun set any expectation. Always have in mind that nothing is for sure, and be prepared that he might eventually leave. My friend is worried about my emotional wellbeing because he feels that I am overly focused on the relationship.

 

 

Huh? You think you're the problem because you have expectations? It's actually quite normal to expect the man you love to be yours and yours alone. Furthermore people with low expectations will usually never get anything better than the low expectations they have set for themselves.

 

 

You are locked in a room, not sleeping or eating, depressed and crying. That is not love, that is a sick unhealthy dependence on another person. Anyone who is dragging you down that much is not healthy for you and you need to have the good sense to walk away. As long as you accept this you will suffer. This is your one and only life. Do you really think so little of yourself that you are going to let a cheating married man crap all over your 1 life?

[Lobe]

I am stuck in my current situation, unable to pull myself out of it. I am slowly falling into depression. I hide myself in the room for days, without food and can't sleep.

 

Uh, not to point out the obvious, but does this sound like being in love?

 

You know exactly what to do. You just need to let that fog float away.

 

There's this thing that people do in affairs, where they magnify the good traits and ignore the bad ones. To restore balance, look at the things about him that are awful and horrible.

 

My favourite advice is to suggest you sit down and write your sister or BFF or daughter a letter about what to do if they found themselves in your own situation. Would you want your BFF hanging around pining for some old man who makes her fall into a depression and hide in her room for days on end without sleep or food?