I have become the other woman, deeply in love with him

[awkward]

Make a list of all of the things he does with his wife without you.

 

Family dinners

Movies

Vacations

Sleeps in the same bed

Whatever is relevant to your situation

 

Now write how long you are willing to be in love with someone who is doing those things with another woman.

 

That is your deadline. On that day walk away, block, bye!

 

You are choosing to destroy yourself. Just decide how long you are willing to go until you start to heal.

 

If the goal is to leave the marriage then the tasks it takes oneself to leave the marriage need to start being met: Meet with lawyer, rent apartment, sign papers, etc. Otherwise it is all talk.

 

IMO, if he was going to leave he would have done it in the 6 months you were resisting him.

[privategal]

Look at how he is treating his wife.

Do you want to take her place seriously?

Love is not supposed to hurt and do you think by isolating and not eating that matbe your suffering is evident and he will take notice and choose you?

Are you gaining anything in this situation? Is this the life you've picked?

What are you doing to yourself here?

Is this man worth inflicting this kind of pain onto yourself?

He is a man not a god and the way he is acting he should be in diapers because he is an overgrown baby and if this is what your basing all your happiness on, somethings broken here.

Id suggest you arent ready to be in any relationship as no person should hold all your value and no man is worth undernourishing your body, mentally suffering, and depression.

Please seek a doctors care, medication for depression saved my life.

 

Your going to need to end this, this person is a monster and he is toxic to you.

[PinkSunset]

'I will leave when I want"??? Wow. I would have told him right where to shove it. At least my MM didn't say that in so many words and ultimately made the decision to leave his wife.

You need to give him an ultimatum. Either his marriage, or you. He can't have both anymore. He is being a cake eater and you're letting him. He has zero respect for you with a comment like that.

 

Put on your big girl panties and stick up for yourself. Don't put up with anymore crap, tell him what YOU want. Stop letting him rule the roost. Everything is on HIS terms and you're allowing it.

 

Does it feel good living a lie? Sneaking around? No, it doesn't. I know how it feels, I know how it hurts. Either you stick up for yourself or you continue on this path because it sure sounds like he doesn't want to leave her. If he doesn't want to leave her, he needs to let you go.

 

You have to be willing to put yourself through the hurt and pain that this might be the end. It's painful enough wondering if he's playing happy husband while you're not around so what's the difference? You'll be okay. You will get stronger and you will get over it eventually.

[13Hearts]

I am so sorry, autumntears, that you are heartbroken, depressed, hurting and suffering. I understand how you feel; I have been through it many times with men. To just want something normal, to just date and do fun things, spend time together, and be in love together. But the older I get, the more I realize this is just a fantasy. It doesn't happen, especially not with a MM.

 

With xMM in my life, he constantly complained about his wife and his marriage, and told how unhappy he was and how happy we make him. How compatible he and I are. He doted on me, and was so sweet, kind, and caring. It really made me fall in love with him, especially to think he loved me so much.

 

What I've found is that it was all just a dream. And every word he said served some purpose to get HIS OWN wants and needs met. Honestly, I think that is just how men are. Everything is about them. I've learned through trial and error that you have to PUT YOURSELF FIRST. ALWAYS.

 

I know it may be too painful for you right now to imagine leaving him, breaking up with him, or going No Contact from him. So what I suggest you do for now is to keep trying to talk to him at times when you are calm and not anxious. If you feel anxious and upset and try to talk to him, he will only see you as needy. So use that time to go out with famioy or friends and do something together. Take small steps in re-asserting your independence from men, all men.

 

You need to address the depression or you will not be able to re-gain your strength. Start by doing any form of exercise for any amount of time you can, whether that is going swimming, riding a bike, going toghe gym, or just walking to the end of your street and back. Just do it. Every single day. Get your butt out of bed and get it over with.

 

Then, go to the store and get yourself some Ensure drinks. Drink at least two a day. Also, go to Chick Fil-A or somewhere else close by and get a large milkshake. Do this every day. You have to start trying to take care of yourself. Depression is a medical condition and you need to get help with that. Make an appointment at the doctor and ask to be screened for depression. Also ask for a referral to a therapist. And go. You need in-person support.

 

In the meantime, maintain whatever contact you need to in order to keep anxiety or panic at bay. If it is too much for you to handle, don't cut him off. STRENGTHEN YOURSELF FIRST.

 

Soon, more will be revealed to you. In the meantime, start listing what you want for your life. Not WHO, but WHAT. What do you want to he doing 6 months from now, one year, five years, etc? Make goals. Dream about the kinds of things you like.

 

Hang in there. Give yourself time. Get your body moving. See the doctor and the therapist. Get together with friends, neighbors, family, co-workers, church group, etc. And save the big conversations about your relationship with MM for later.

[ladydesigner]

I am so sorry, autumntears, that you are heartbroken, depressed, hurting and suffering. I understand how you feel; I have been through it many times with men. To just want something normal, to just date and do fun things, spend time together, and be in love together. But the older I get, the more I realize this is just a fantasy. It doesn't happen, especially not with a MM.

 

With xMM in my life, he constantly complained about his wife and his marriage, and told how unhappy he was and how happy we make him. How compatible he and I are. He doted on me, and was so sweet, kind, and caring. It really made me fall in love with him, especially to think he loved me so much.

 

What I've found is that it was all just a dream. And every word he said served some purpose to get HIS OWN wants and needs met. Honestly, I think that is just how men are. Everything is about them. I've learned through trial and error that you have to PUT YOURSELF FIRST. ALWAYS.

 

I know it may be too painful for you right now to imagine leaving him, breaking up with him, or going No Contact from him. So what I suggest you do for now is to keep trying to talk to him at times when you are calm and not anxious. If you feel anxious and upset and try to talk to him, he will only see you as needy. So use that time to go out with famioy or friends and do something together. Take small steps in re-asserting your independence from men, all men.

 

You need to address the depression or you will not be able to re-gain your strength. Start by doing any form of exercise for any amount of time you can, whether that is going swimming, riding a bike, going toghe gym, or just walking to the end of your street and back. Just do it. Every single day. Get your butt out of bed and get it over with.

 

Then, go to the store and get yourself some Ensure drinks. Drink at least two a day. Also, go to Chick Fil-A or somewhere else close by and get a large milkshake. Do this every day. You have to start trying to take care of yourself. Depression is a medical condition and you need to get help with that. Make an appointment at the doctor and ask to be screened for depression. Also ask for a referral to a therapist. And go. You need in-person support.

 

In the meantime, maintain whatever contact you need to in order to keep anxiety or panic at bay. If it is too much for you to handle, don't cut him off. STRENGTHEN YOURSELF FIRST.

 

Soon, more will be revealed to you. In the meantime, start listing what you want for your life. Not WHO, but WHAT. What do you want to he doing 6 months from now, one year, five years, etc? Make goals. Dream about the kinds of things you like.

 

Hang in there. Give yourself time. Get your body moving. See the doctor and the therapist. Get together with friends, neighbors, family, co-workers, church group, etc. And save the big conversations about your relationship with MM for later.

 

Omg I hate to generalize but my experience with men have been the same although reading on LS and other forums have shown me there are men who also feel this way about women. I feel like my man picker needs to become more refined:laugh:

 

But I concur become the most independent woman you can possibly be and make YOU the priority from now on.

[Poppy47]

it's been a long time since I have read a post like yours Autumn. It has made me really sad for you.

 

You need a lot of support and encouragement to get away from this controlling monster of a MM. He sounds ruthless, cold and destructive. He is trying to take your self worth from you.

 

You should listen to your friend who is worried on your behalf and perhaps seek some more support from him.

 

I don't think all MM are narcissistic mongrels, but you have found yourself one in him.

Please find some support,

Poppy.

[FusionCutter]

OP. I don't doubt you love him.

 

However, he clearly does not love you. Not even close. Love is respect. This man does not respect nor love you, no matter what he says to you.

 

You know what you have to do.

[whichwayisup]

I no longer know what I need to do and my life is now in a mess. Started with us hanging out regularly for drinks and chit chat, and we were merely friends. He shared with me about his family and his intention to end the marriage. I suggested to him to try work out the marriage since they are together for a long time. But time and again he told me there is no love and he is just waiting for the right time to end the marriage. Days passed and we continued to hang out and I enjoyed his company but still nothing more than friends. He started to develop feelings for me and told me that he likes me, but knowing that he is married I kept a distance from him. For 6 months I had been rejecting him.

 

It wasn't until a time when he had to go overseas on a business trip that I felt a void. I missed him and that was when I realised I have developed feelings for him. One night after he came back we had a chat and he shared with me what went wrong in his marriage, and why he is adamant on ending the marriage. I agreed to the relationship, on the condition that he filed the papers by a certain time frame. Loving him is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. We are together close to a year and he has been really loving and doting. Spending time with me whenever he can.

 

However, as the days go by, I become very insecure and needed constant assurance. Whenever he can't keep me company on days he could, I start to imagine things and lots of negativity comes to my mind. They have a son. When he is with his family I would think that he is trying work out his marriage. I would imagine them to be loving. When that happens, I start to message him and ask him with tons of questions. Questions like "Are you really ending the marriage?", "Please tell me if you have decided to stay in the marriage". My insecurity, doubts and crankiness have somehow pushed him away from me. Just this month alone, we had two major arguments and we almost broke up. In my mind, if he is working on his marriage, he should let me know and cut off all contacts with me. For a matter of fact, he still tells me that his decision to end the marriage is firm. Recently I asked him again for the timeline - this was what he said to me: "the more you ask, the more I won't do it. I will do it when I want to do it." I am in a limbo and it is really torturous for me.

 

I am really helpless. Giving him a deadline I know I won't have the courage to move on. But I do not want to be the other woman, and I don't want to wait forever like this. I really just want a normal relationship. I know I can choose to walk away, but for now I am so in love with him. I really do not know what to do. He told me to trust him and if I cannot trust him just move on. He doesn't need to explain to me everything, and doesn't need to explain to me why he can't meet me. He told me he needs a woman who can complement him. Recently, he told her that he wants to split and he told me he wants to work her so that her heart dies and asks for it, the process will be much faster. He doesn't want it to be complicated with third party, counselling and all. He told me if I can't wait then please move on.

 

Sadly, you're wasting your precious heart and love on a man who has no intention of leaving and divorcing his wife to start a new life with you. If he truly was going to, he wouldn't be grumpy with you, he'd be patient and understanding, he'd come clean with his wife and divorce as quickly as possible. But nope, instead he is being a real jerk by treating his wife poorly and you poorly too. He isn't the great guy you think he is.

 

I really hope that you can distance and detach yourself from him, I smell a lot of heartache and roller coaster rides of pain for you if you don't end it.

 

Find the love and respect for "you". Love yourself more than you love him.

[whichwayisup]

I do know morally what I am doing is wrong. Really it is hard to control when you are in the situation. Expectation is killing me. I long for a normal relationship with him. I am not talking about becoming his wife. I am talking about being a normal dating couple, and be open about the relationship. Someone told me this - when i focus too much on the outcome, expectation is formed. With expectation comes disappointment. If I feel that the man is worth my time, I should enjoy the time with him and whatever the outcome if it is what I want will come as a bonus. He told me that I have to keep in mind that nothing is for sure, and there is no guarantee to begin with, even in a normal relationship. Besides, divorce is an emotional process and not a project. We cannot manage relationship like a project, setting KPIs and timeline. Just enjoy the process and be happy. It will come to a time when you know it is time to move on. If you are still happy and willing to wait, then dun set any expectation. Always have in mind that nothing is for sure, and be prepared that he might eventually leave. My friend is worried about my emotional wellbeing because he feels that I am overly focused on the relationship.

 

This never was a normal relationship, it was and is an affair. To you he's your everything but to him, you're second fiddle. Sorry that stings to read but reality is just that. You are the OW in his life and he will make time for you on his terms and time frame. He doesn't want you calling the shots or putting expectations or demands on him. How he treats you is showing this.

 

Stop putting him first. He isn't putting you first at all. Put YOU first and focus on friends and family that you may have neglected while having your affair. Get busy so you have less time for him and you can live life while he lives his.

[autumntears]

Thanks everyone for sharing your valuable views and advice. It is not that I do not have guys after me, but feelings matter a lot and we are really happy together. With him, I am being myself and the amount of time he spends with me is beyond what a married person can do. He is taking actions to file the papers and have showed me the receipt of payment to the lawyer yesterday. Communications and seeing each other now have to cut down to the minimal.

 

I turned to the forum and penned down my story because I do not want myself to breakdown or fall into another episode of depression. Everyone here, especially those who are in the same situation, will know that what everyone says means nothing, it lies with the person in the situation to make the decision. I am in my late 30s, and he in his early 40s. We both know what we want for the remaining perhaps 20 years? There isn't much time left so is it wrong to pursue something I believe in and believe that he is worth keeping? It is not a rational decision, but an emotional decision. Rational me will know that I should just walk away, but when the feelings is right, there is no stopping.This is the decision I made and the path I choose, whatever the consequences, I have to live with it and accept it. Be it turning out to be what I want or that he eventually decides to leave me.

 

Perhaps it is the way I worded it. He does respect me and didn't belittle me. Most of the time it is really my insecurity and overthinking .. trying to read the underlying meaning behind his words and imagine things based on what I think. Time and again, he did proved to me that all the things i imagined are non-existence. I am trying to manage my insecurity, be it for this relationship or my future relationship. Many of my relationships were all ruined by me because I didn't trust them.

Edited June 25, 2016 by autumntears

[FusionCutter]

Thanks everyone for sharing your valuable views and advice. It is not that I do not have guys after me, but feelings matter a lot and we are really happy together. With him, I am being myself and the amount of time he spends with me is beyond what a married person can do. He is taking actions to file the papers and have showed me the receipt of payment to the lawyer yesterday. Communications and seeing each other now have to cut down to the minimal.

 

I turned to the forum and penned down my story because I do not want myself to breakdown or fall into another episode of depression. Everyone here, especially those who are in the same situation, will know that what everyone says means nothing, it lies with the person in the situation to make the decision. I am in my late 30s, and he in his early 40s. We both know what we want for the remaining perhaps 20 years? There isn't much time left so is it wrong to pursue something I believe in and believe that he is worth keeping? It is not a rational decision, but an emotional decision. Rational me will know that I should just walk away, but when the feelings is right, there is no stopping.This is the decision I made and the path I choose, whatever the consequences, I have to live with it and accept it. Be it turning out to be what I want or that he eventually decides to leave me.

 

Perhaps it is the way I worded it. He does respect me and didn't belittle me. Most of the time it is really my insecurity and overthinking .. trying to read the underlying meaning behind his words and imagine things based on what I think. Time and again, he did proved to me that all the things i imagined are non-existence. I am trying to manage my insecurity, be it for this relationship or my future relationship. Many of my relationships were all ruined by me because I didn't trust them.

 

 

Sounds like your relationships with your past guys were ideal. The receipt to the payment for lawyer could have easily been something else.

 

A relationship isn't supposed to hurt like you're hurting. Think about that for a second.

[autumntears]

Sounds like your relationships with your past guys were ideal. The receipt to the payment for lawyer could have easily been something else.

 

A relationship isn't supposed to hurt like you're hurting. Think about that for a second.

 

FusionCutter: The men in my past relationships were wonderful. The biggest problem lies with me. I do not trust them and my insecurity really ruined them. Just to share, I was once married (in 2005) and annulled my marriage in 2007. Why? I wasn't ready and had fallen in love with someone before my marriage. Went through customary but called it quit one month after the wedding. My ex hubby was great, knowing that I had someone prior to the marriage, he didn't confront me and still insisted on marrying me despite me telling him to call off the wedding. Even though my ex hubby was willing to stay married to me, I felt it was unfair to him and decided to annul the marriage for him to find someone more suitable. That period when I decided to annul my marriage, I had major depression and attempted suicide as I had no one to turn to back then. Mum refused to let me go home because it was embarrassing that I wanted to annul my marriage. Helpless and no one to turn to, I decided to end my life and was hospitalised. So now I am helping myself to avoid falling into the same situation by penning down my thoughts. I already know what I did is morally wrong, but please do not judge me as it is really beyond my control. I need a place to relieve my stress.

[anika99]

I am stuck in my current situation, unable to pull myself out of it. I am slowly falling into depression. I hide myself in the room for days, without food and can't sleep.

 

Oh you're really happy together? Listen if you have insecurity and trust issues then the absolute worst person you could choose for yourself is a cheating married man. Did you know that right now you are in the easiest part of this?

 

When your deadline passes and he still hasn't left, your depression will deepen and your insecurities will double, and in that weakened state you will not be able to walk away. You will hang on while he keeps promising " just a few more months" " just wait until after the holidays, or until this or that happens" and as every deadline passes your self esteem and sense of self worth will plummet and you will stay because by then you will be damaged.

 

The other scenario is that he actually tells his wife he's leaving her and gets hit with the reality of how painful that is going to be. You will have to sit on the sidelines, still hidden, while he waivers and tos and fros, one day he will want to be with you and the next he will feel like he should save his marriage. He might go to counselling with his wife while pulling away from you. His wife will wonder why on earth he suddenly wants a divorce and she will be watching and looking for the reason. Staying or leaving, he will desperately not want his wife to discover the affair and he will severely limit his contact with you. He may leave and come running to you only to change his mind a few days or a few weeks later and go running back home. He will be moody, confused and resentful towards anyone pushing him to make a damn decision and stick with it. By this time all of your insecurities will be tenfold and you will be a complete basket case.

 

And if somehow you make it through all of that and the day finally comes that he leaves for good and is available to be with you what have you got? A man that you will never trust or feel secure with because you witnessed first hand how he lied and cheated on his wife for well over a year. A man who never got the time to properly grieve and heal because the moment he left his marriage you were there with your expectations of love and commitment. A man who as much as he thought leaving his wife was going to be bliss now finds himself missing his family and then stews in resentment and blames you for his guilt and regrets. A man who after being tied down to a marriage for years, will want to experience the perks of being free and single which doesn't fit with being tied down to you.

 

If your goal is to get over your insecurities and become emotionally strong and healthy then you need to get out of this affair before it destroys you, because whether he stays married or he divorces by the time it's over you will be mere shell of the person you were before this affair started.

[loveisanaction]

autumntears, you fell in love with a man who is not your husband and you say that he loves you too. It happens, but where i disagree with you is how you are going about this.

 

Your married man's wife does not deserve this. If you and your married man are soulmates who are meant to be together, why not wait to be together the right way? If both you and your married man truly do love each other and believe beyond any reasonable doubt that the both of you want to be together why is he not getting a divorce so that you can start a relationship as two single people? Why are you and him hurting the very person he vowed not to hurt? This is where you and your married man are wrong.

 

Staying away from someone because either you are committed to someone or they are is love. It is love because love is not selfish. Love is in giving it is not in taking.

 

If you and your married man are truly meant to be together, the stars have aligned themselves just for the two of you then the both of you can wait until he is divorced and ready to be in a relationship that does not involved lying, cheating, creeping around, and betraying the very people you swore not to.

Edited June 25, 2016 by loveisanaction

[elaine567]

I may have missed it but are there children involved here?

[whichwayisup]

Many of my relationships were all ruined by me because I didn't trust them.

 

Then I suggest you get some counseling and try to understand why you have insecurities and trust issues. If you don't fix that part of you, you and MM don't stand a chance IF he leaves his wife and ends up with you. You'll always mistrust him, especially when he has to see or deal with his ex wife or any other woman in the future.

[S2B]

I do know morally what I am doing is wrong. Really it is hard to control when you are in the situation. Expectation is killing me. I long for a normal relationship with him. I am not talking about becoming his wife. I am talking about being a normal dating couple, and be open about the relationship. Someone told me this - when i focus too much on the outcome, expectation is formed. With expectation comes disappointment. If I feel that the man is worth my time, I should enjoy the time with him and whatever the outcome if it is what I want will come as a bonus. He told me that I have to keep in mind that nothing is for sure, and there is no guarantee to begin with, even in a normal relationship. Besides, divorce is an emotional process and not a project. We cannot manage relationship like a project, setting KPIs and timeline. Just enjoy the process and be happy. It will come to a time when you know it is time to move on. If you are still happy and willing to wait, then dun set any expectation. Always have in mind that nothing is for sure, and be prepared that he might eventually leave. My friend is worried about my emotional wellbeing because he feels that I am overly focused on the relationship.

 

This guy is trying to help you understand that he's not planning to leave his marriage.

 

No one can help you if you won't help yourself. The guy is a manipulative liar.

 

What? You want to be the wife that's waiting at home for him while he's out playing with another woman? Really? Because that's what you'll get if you wait for him.

 

He's doing this to her - he will do it to you.

 

He's no prize - he's just got you believing his lies.

 

Start dating available men. Then you can become connected emotionally to one that will actually make you his priority. This MM doesn't plan to do that and you deserve better.

 

And stop saying it is hard - we know that. Overcoming the things in life that are difficult is the way we become proud of ourselves. Start taking steps to overcome being with him.

[13Hearts]

There is a lesson here waiting for you to learn. IDK what that lesson is for you but everyone here sounds very concerned for you as you seem to be in a very fragile state and all of us here have been through, or are going through, what you are describing.

 

You need to get yourself strong and what I have found in my life is that the only time I have been able to do this is outside of a relationship. Being with MM may make you feel secure in the moment but it is a two-edged sword. It seems to me you are using him as your Higher Power, which he is not, and hoping that he will make you secure as your SO or husband, in the future. A man CANNOT give you what you need regarding security. A man CANNOT hold you up so that you can thrive. ONLY YOU can do that, with the strength and love of your Higher Power.

 

I really wish you would listen to the people who are posting here and try to focus on building and strengthening yourself up. Because I fear that this could be disastrous, possibly even fatal, for you, when enough time goes by and you realize who this MM really is and what he is really doing.

 

A man who really WANTS to leave his wife will do whatever is necessary to leave her. A man who really does not want to be in a particular relationship and finds another woman he wants to spend his life with will very quickly move out from the marital home, whatever the cost. They will sleep on a buddy's couch if they have to. This man, your MM, does not want to leave his wife. Men will cheat on their wives, complain how unhappy and miserable they are in the marriage and why, but will not leave until his wife tells him she does not want to be married to him any longer. You do not know this woman, and you do not know what their marriage is like. You are waiting to see what a complete stranger will give over to you at some point in a future that is not guaranteed to any of us.

 

If you knew the odds of his leaving, you would not wait.

[FusionCutter]

FusionCutter: The men in my past relationships were wonderful. The biggest problem lies with me. I do not trust them and my insecurity really ruined them. Just to share, I was once married (in 2005) and annulled my marriage in 2007. Why? I wasn't ready and had fallen in love with someone before my marriage. Went through customary but called it quit one month after the wedding. My ex hubby was great, knowing that I had someone prior to the marriage, he didn't confront me and still insisted on marrying me despite me telling him to call off the wedding. Even though my ex hubby was willing to stay married to me, I felt it was unfair to him and decided to annul the marriage for him to find someone more suitable. That period when I decided to annul my marriage, I had major depression and attempted suicide as I had no one to turn to back then. Mum refused to let me go home because it was embarrassing that I wanted to annul my marriage. Helpless and no one to turn to, I decided to end my life and was hospitalised. So now I am helping myself to avoid falling into the same situation by penning down my thoughts. I already know what I did is morally wrong, but please do not judge me as it is really beyond my control. I need a place to relieve my stress.

 

I don't think anyone's judging you here.

 

You need to change your mindset a little bit. "It is beyond my control" that is NOT true at all!

 

Everyone has a choice in their relationship. You have to see that when everyone is telling you the same thing, it's almost like an intervention - a wake up call.

 

If everyone tells an alcoholic that their drinking is negatively affecting their life, and everyone single person that he complains about his issue to, tells them the same thing, there is probably some truth to it.

 

You are the same, except for alcohol, it is your MM. Does the alcoholic have a problem where it's out of their control? No, they don't, they always have a choice.

 

As do you. Are you looking to change? Are you wanting better for yourself? Or do you simply want to "relieve your stress" by taking no action and complaining about your situation?

 

It really is in your hands and it sounds like you've had a very tough time in the past, so if you don't want to repeat the same things, it is up to you, and only up to you change.

 

Like others have said, counselling/individual therapy could be very useful to you.

 

Just know the situation with him will NOT change. He has you perfect in the perfect spot in his life. He wants you both and will say/do anything to keep it that way.

 

Your MM is a liar and a cheat. See it for what it is. He's a liar to his son, his wife. They're the center of his life. He's also capable of lying to you, which he is.

 

Wishing you good luck. See things for what it is, and help yourself to help yourself.

[Quiet Storm]

It is normal and healthy to be insecure in this situation. This insecurity is your gut feeling ringing the alarm. But you aren't listening. You're trying to talk yourself out feeling insecure, instead of listening to the part of you that is trying to guide you in the right direction.

 

This guy manages his women with manipulation. You've seen him in action, such as him telling you he will make his wife's love for him die because it's easier that way.

 

He's managing you by saying things like "the more you ask, the more I won't do it". This is your life, you have every right to ask questions about your future. But those conversations are too uncomfortable for him, so he avoids them because it's easier that way.

 

This guy will lie and manipulate to avoid conflict. It's no wonder you are insecure about his intentions. No way would a conflict avoider like this just come out and say "I'm staying married" and you know that. He is managing you, just like he's managing his wife.

 

It sounds like you know this, but you are labeling it insecurity when you are just being smart. If you had a cousin who had been caught stealing money out of a relative's purse, would it be insecure to not leave your purse around him? Hell no! That's just being smart.

 

Think of it like this- the smart part of you is the parent of the emotional & weak part of you. The smart part of you wants to protect you from emotional harm and is prompting those feelings of insecurity as a way of yanking you off the train tracks.

 

Smart autumntears - "Watch out, girl!!!" *feels insecure*

 

Emotional autumntears- "No, it's OK. I'm just being too insecure, my expectations are too high and I need to have faith in him and be patient." *loves him and doesn't want to let go*

 

Smart autumntears- "But you are isolated, depressed and you know this isn't right. He's not a good guy." *feels insecure*

 

Emotional autumntears- "But I love him and nobody's ever made me feel this way"

 

Nobody's going to look out for you but you. He certainly does not have your best interests at heart. Feelings are just feelings. Yes, they're powerful, but you don't have to be a slave to them. You are chasing the high of love like an addict chases the high of their drug of choice. You don't care if what you are doing is hurting yourself. Even if this guy does leave, he has proven to be a conflict avoiding manipulator. Character traits like that won't disappear when he leaves his wife.