Where I'm at...

[Tayla]

Each person is accountable at this point.

 

they are each aware of the other. It's the OP choice or choices that are being pondered or denied.

 

Stop making it that MM is somehow the winner in this. He has much to lose..

[minimariah]

Hi guys.

 

not sure what to tell you... i don't have any useful advice. sending you many good vibes and virtual hugs.

[road]

I just read this whole post.

 

 

Facts:

 

 

MM are known to lie.

 

 

OP's MM's motivation to lie is he is getting wild monkey sex with the OP, he gets to stay married and be the family man.

 

 

More motivation: MM maybe be wealthy but as al wealthy men they are not going to divorce their BW and give up half of his accumulated wealth, half pension, half social security, half investments to just to get wild monkey sex full time.

 

 

Legally the BW will always be number 1. MM/WH get ill, incapacitated and BW has to make decisions the side piece/OW will be denied access. Same for the MM/WH Funeral.

 

 

Holidays, important family days as graduations, marriages, births, baptisms, etc BW gets MM/WH.

 

 

So knowing that MM lie and will say anything to get sex.

 

 

So knowing that he will never leave his BW will make you forever just his side piece. Yes MM/WH blows smoke up your butt making/letting your think how important you are to him.

 

 

BW got a three week pure vacation.

 

 

OW/you got a two week work trip where you caught some romantic time between the work time deluding yourself by calling this business trip a vacation.

 

 

MM/WH PLAY BOOK

 

 

Wife does not understand me

Wife stopped sex years ago

 

 

OW/you get me

OW sex with you/OW is the best ever

 

 

I want to divorce my BW

I want to marry OW/you

 

 

I can't leave my BW now

I can't leave my kids now

I can't leave now because of financial reasons for BW has me over a barrel

I can't leave whatever reason for I will keep making up and feeding OW/you with as many reasons as I need to keep stringing you along to keep getting wild monkey sex

 

 

OP, your MM/WH is very clever he keeps you in the number 2 slot while you ignore how he is deferring to his BW and keeps her in control and keeps you in the shadows.

 

 

BW's that have WH that are extremely high earners tend not divorce their WH because they have too much to lose and do not want to lose their position and life style. Did Mrs Clinton divorce Mr Clinton? OP, if you were truly wise you would see that.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Also have to add...

 

As someone you previously described as weak, helpless and fragile, she sure showed you some spine, didn't she?

 

I don't blame you for being shaken. I think you felt like you were in control of your life and relationships, and now the curtain has been pulled back and you realise that she is primary.... And he has the best of both worlds and the control you thought you had was a house of cards. Your role is OW and that's where you'll stay.... As long as you let it.

[aileD]

I have to agree with poppy

 

You have come to the arrangement that you are his mistress. His wife approves...that's great and makes things easier....some people have those arrangements and that's great if it works for them

 

But don't forget your place. You're the mistress. You'll never be the priority. You are the secondary relationship.

 

If you love him and can live like that....then do it and play by the rules of the arrangement.

 

If you are disliking this part of it--being secondary and relegated to mistress status--then maybe you should think about where you want your life to go and if you always want to be second.

 

When he dies, he will be buried next to his wife and not you.

She will be at his bedside if he's old and sick, not you.

 

More power to you if those are the sacrifices you want to make to be with him. But dont expect more.

 

Wish you the best. I hope you can find someone who will love you enough to not keep you "discreet".

 

 

Edited after read whole post:

 

You're not in an open relationship. Those only work when all three parties are comfortable with it. BW isnt comfortable...she's just tolerating. There will come a point when she wont.

 

When that point comes, and he chooses her. Will you respect the wife like she respected you and break off your A with MM?

Edited September 26, 2016 by aileD

[Maddieandtae]

Hi SolG, could you clarify what you meant about not being sure if it's possible not to abandon the married mans wife? Do you mean with your meeting now having happened and the wife not feeling so on about this situation that married man is now considering divorce?

[Sub]

MM keeps telling me we can work through it together. That we just need to prove we're not going to abandon her. But I'm not so sure that's possible.

 

Aside from (again) illustrating that there's a disconnect here between the MM and the entire scope of this arrangement, what does he mean exactly by not abandoning her? Does he view you as sister wives at this point? Does he coordinate with each of you on how to handle the other so as not to alienate anyone?

[ladydesigner]

What about a polyamorous relationship, where all of you have some kind of say? I have to admit something... after my WH's A with MOW we decided to have a somewhat polyamorous relationship with another woman (I am bisexual) so it worked out for a little while and she has since moved on. It was a great experience for my WH and I. It can work. It does sound as though you all have good open communication.

[BTDT2012]

And my messages have echoed that sentiment. I do not need him to leave. Indeed, I do not want him to. I am content in knowing that he loves his W and family, and loves me too. And that he is committed to both.

 

He is committed to his wife. You will be is secret mistress until she decides otherwise.

[Kissproof]

This is still a hot azz mess. I.hope the wife takes her children and bolts.

[SolG]

Sorry to take so much time to get back to you. Life, work intervenes yadda yadda...

 

There has been some progress. MMs W has further defined her boundaries. It's essentially don't let the two worlds collide. She does not want her family to know of me. So in terms of our trusted work colleagues and my family she's fine. MM had lunch with my brother last week and the conversation was had. All is good on my family front. They've known MM for a long time and are willing to accept him into the fold, albeit with the caveat that if he truly hurts me he's hosed. They're veterans of me being unconventional.

 

I do not have to be monogamous as long as I'm safe. And I reiterated the point that I will not be monogamous. Ever. Regardless of MM's relationship status as it's not in my nature. And that I do not intend to ever ever marry again. Not that I could marry anyway given I'm actually still technically married to my ex,

 

No they do not at this point have sex. But it's not off the table. I am supportive of this being reestablished.

 

His W and I have been emailing quite a bit. She seems in writing far more comfortable with my intent now.

[spideywoman]

Thanks for the update, Sol. I am new here and was just catching up on events over the past few months for you so I was wondering what happened. You and I are very different and I could never maintain my wits in your situation. A few people had asked whether you were interested in monogamy with your MM _ as in you and him only, no third wheel of any kind. Have you given thought to that? Just curious. And sorry if you responded and I missed it.

[BluesPower]

I think that sounds pretty good.

 

It seems like a workable solution. I am glad you worked it out.

[SolG]

More progress to report.

 

MM has jagged a big promotion and is moving interstate soon. Closer to me. It's also the likely location for my next project next year. And his W and children are staying put in their current location for educational stability.

 

So our plan at this point is that MM and I will spend time together during the week and he'll fly home for the weekends. That works for all of us and is likely to be the status quo for the next three years or so.

 

And he's about to come to my first family function openly as my partner.

 

And MM and his W are planning a weekend away soon to reacquaint themselves physically.

 

I'm feeling particularly optimistic and blessed at the moment!

[Chica80]

More progress to report.

 

MM has jagged a big promotion and is moving interstate soon. Closer to me. It's also the likely location for my next project next year. And his W and children are staying put in their current location for educational stability.

 

So our plan at this point is that MM and I will spend time together during the week and he'll fly home for the weekends. That works for all of us and is likely to be the status quo for the next three years or so.

 

And he's about to come to my first family function openly as my partner.

 

And MM and his W are planning a weekend away soon to reacquaint themselves physically.

 

I'm feeling particularly optimistic and blessed at the moment!

 

Wow...interesting....how does it feel knowing he's going on a trip to reacquainted themselves? (Not attacking, curious)

[Got it]

Sol, happy to see you found a set up that seems to work for everyone involved and works for you.

[Sub]

MM could star in an ad campaign as "The Most Fortunate Man in the World."

[SolG]

Wow...interesting....how does it feel knowing he's going on a trip to reacquainted themselves? (Not attacking, curious)

 

Here's the thing I want to be nonchalant and say it affected me not at all. But it actually did.

 

For some background my relationship history is exclusively consensually non monogamous. When the A with MM took off way back when I thought I'd been 'cured'; all those folk had been right all along and all I'd needed to be a monogamy convert was the right man. Then que MM telling me early last year he wasn't leaving his W because he realised he did indeed still love her... and I went back to seeing other people and frankly it was a relief!

 

But... I'd grown very accustomed to being his only lover. And put emotional stock in it I didn't realise I was investing. There is a certain specialness to exclusivity I'd never experienced before. That je ne seis quois of being 'the only one'. It hurt like hell to discuss relinquishing that. Even though (hyporicritically I know) I had other lovers myself.

 

We planned the weekend so I'd be aware and occupied. But as luck would have it... it happened spontaneously earlier. MM called me the next morning to let me know... and I'm ashamed to say I freaked out. I was hurt and outraged at having not known. Don't worry the irony isn't lost on me! We spent a few hours working through it.

 

However, it's now been a few days and I'm sitting here writing to you waiting for MM to arrive for his scheduled visit. We've spent just as much time together both virtually, by phone, and in person as we always do. We still love each other. He still loves his W. I am still fond of my other partners and open to more love in my life. And he and his W are in a happier more connected place, which puts he and I in a more secure position because she feels safer with our coexistence.

 

Whilst I admit to the odd pang of jealousy and regret... It's overall a happier place to be.

[BluesPower]

I think everyone will hate on me for saying this, but good for you.

 

I sometimes wish I could be is a similar situation myself. I could/have really care about several women at one time. I am just not going to cheat anymore to do it.

 

Not only do I enjoy the variety of sex, but I just really enjoy spending time with different women. They all, or the ones that I have been with, have interesting points of view, they like to do different things it is just a lot of fun. The problem is always the same, one or more of them get this possessive love thing going and get upset about something. Sigh...

 

But in your case I think you have everything going the right direction, I say enjoy life and kudos to you...

[l8estnews]

Just really curious but is this really the new norm? Non-monogamy? I mean, I am very happy for SolG if this works for everyone in the picture. It's not about the setup, it's the lack of hurt and betrayal that is what's important.

 

But, personally, this will never work for me. But with this day and age, where monogamy (in reality) is becoming less and less practiced, should us who have really high expectations of trust, exclusivity, monogamy, family and emotional security should tweak our standards? I haven't had a stable relationship. My parents separated when I was a kid, and I grew up in a hostile environment, so I am really craving for someone who I can be with, who will choose me, prioritize me, who will make me feel secure, make me his only option etc etc.

 

But whenever I visit this site, my hope diminishes every single day.....

[BluesPower]

I think that can happen for a lot of people. It really is the norm I think.

 

The problem is that people get complacent about the LTR's and let them go to seed.

 

Plus, for me and my age, it took getting kicked in the head a few times for me to realize a lot of things.

 

Initially, I gave myself to one woman and she screwed me over, then I found out how many great women were out there. So now it is difficult to be with one woman only.

 

I have been doing it for a few months, so we will see how long that lasts.

 

But for a lot of people, I hope, they can have great long lasting relationships.

[l8estnews]

I always dream of having someone to share great love and experiences for many years. That when I get old, I can reminisce the great love and life we've shared and dying knowing that someone loved me, and only me throughout the years. If I am going to feel pain in love, I want the pain to be something like my partner dying of old age but still honored his promise to me, loving me and me to him, devotion and all.

 

But right now, love seems to have an expiration date. Regardless if you are married, or just boyfriends/girlfriends, basically it's just the same!

 

Marriage is no longer a security. I don't even see the point of uttering "til death do us part" when divorce is rampant. Marriage is just breaking-up with more drama/money involved. So I am very skeptic about marriage or even relationship nowadays. No strings attached sex seems to be something that is more sensible since you might be technically alone, but you have the sex without the drama.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think that can happen for a lot of people. It really is the norm I think.

 

The problem is that people get complacent about the LTR's and let them go to seed.

 

Plus, for me and my age, it took getting kicked in the head a few times for me to realize a lot of things.

 

Initially, I gave myself to one woman and she screwed me over, then I found out how many great women were out there. So now it is difficult to be with one woman only.

 

I have been doing it for a few months, so we will see how long that lasts.

 

But for a lot of people, I hope, they can have great long lasting relationships.

 

Human beings are not monogamous by nature. Most people are as faithful as their options. When I tell my tale of woe to my friends, they really can't relate because they are tend to be teachers and/or just not interact with men whereas I do a ton of networking for my business. I meet people constantly. The flip side is I see a lot of women on FB looking up people they dated in high school and getting really involved, dreaming of the past and getting into trouble. I cannot relate as I have zero interest in some loser from 20+ years ago.

 

It is fun to be out there and date and go crazy but it gets old. It is nice to be in a relationship with the same person and have that comfort level. I've learned to just not even go there with new people. I am determined to prevent this from ever happening again. I have a lot of rules for myself to make sure.

[Chica80]

Here's the thing I want to be nonchalant and say it affected me not at all. But it actually did.

 

For some background my relationship history is exclusively consensually non monogamous. When the A with MM took off way back when I thought I'd been 'cured'; all those folk had been right all along and all I'd needed to be a monogamy convert was the right man. Then que MM telling me early last year he wasn't leaving his W because he realised he did indeed still love her... and I went back to seeing other people and frankly it was a relief!

 

But... I'd grown very accustomed to being his only lover. And put emotional stock in it I didn't realise I was investing. There is a certain specialness to exclusivity I'd never experienced before. That je ne seis quois of being 'the only one'. It hurt like hell to discuss relinquishing that. Even though (hyporicritically I know) I had other lovers myself.

 

We planned the weekend so I'd be aware and occupied. But as luck would have it... it happened spontaneously earlier. MM called me the next morning to let me know... and I'm ashamed to say I freaked out. I was hurt and outraged at having not known. Don't worry the irony isn't lost on me! We spent a few hours working through it.

 

However, it's now been a few days and I'm sitting here writing to you waiting for MM to arrive for his scheduled visit. We've spent just as much time together both virtually, by phone, and in person as we always do. We still love each other. He still loves his W. I am still fond of my other partners and open to more love in my life. And he and his W are in a happier more connected place, which puts he and I in a more secure position because she feels safer with our coexistence.

 

Whilst I admit to the odd pang of jealousy and regret... It's overall a happier place to be.

 

Hi thank you for your response.....I've thought about this often. It's a different way to look at relationships...

[BTDT2012]

Human beings are not monogamous by nature. Most people are as faithful as their options.

 

I always had, and still have, plenty of options to be unfaithful. I chose to remain monogamous, even when my WH cheated.