Where I'm at...

[heartwhole]

A couple of years ago you wrote:

 

For the first two years I was (we both were) pretty oblivious to the reality of what we were doing. None of the damage was really evident to us, we weren't even consciously aware of it. Naive in the extreme and so blinded by limerence. In all the fantasy it didn't even occur to me... I didn't even ponder beyond the next assignation.

 

However, the last two years have been a living hell. For all concerned as he journeys down the supposed path to separation and an open relationship with me. I reiterate 'supposed'. This is yet to be emphatically proven.

 

I'm a really (academically, not common sense wise obviously!) intelligent woman. I am well paid and highly professionally regarded. I'm not unattractive. I have my own means, and my own life. So how the hell did I end up here and why do I remain? I seriously look at myself in the mirror sometimes and just marvel at the sh*t the woman looking back at me has willingly chosen to endure and participate in.

 

If I look at this objectively and imagine another woman coming up to me and relating my own A story, I cannot imagine not counselling her to leave. And on the inside I would silently judge her as pathetically colluding in her own disrespect and destruction. All for some delusional sense of 'love' that is not reciprocated; if reciprocation is measured by meaningful demonstrable action.

 

I don't really have much to offer in way of advice because I can't wade through the depths of this dysfunction. I'll just suggest that you look back at your old threads. You spent an entire two years of your life not aware AT ALL that what you were doing was causing damage, so "naive" and "blind" were you? This is something you will need professional help to plumb.

[imsosad]

I read your post yesterday, but did not respond.

I didn't feel I had anything nice to say.

I also didn't feel I had anything of value to add.

I believe you feel bad about hurting the wife when your affair first began.

From everything you wrote, it seems to me like you're still hurting her.

Nothing you wrote about her reads like a woman who is actively and happily choosing an alternative life style.

Rather, she seems like a woman who is very scared of losing her husband and is willing to tolerate an arrangement that will satisfy him.

You are still hurting her.

He is hurting her.

I thought open relationships were based on more than reluctant consent.

I guess the most important thing is that *he* is getting all of his needs met, obviously this whole arrangement revolves around what he wants.

[heartwhole]

I also don't understand this dynamic where the wife gets 13/14 nights and you get 1/14. It's not that I don't understand polygamous relationships -- I do -- but of course that's not what this was when one member was in the dark about being exposed sexually and non-monogamy. Now that it's out in the open, you are literally on a fraction of the footing that she is. Why is that?

[Poppy47]

I also don't understand this dynamic where the wife gets 13/14 nights and you get 1/14. It's not that I don't understand polygamous relationships -- I do -- but of course that's not what this was when one member was in the dark about being exposed sexually and non-monogamy. Now that it's out in the open, you are literally on a fraction of the footing that she is. Why is that?

 

Because here status hasn't changed at all. Nothing has changed except for the fact that the wife knows and somehow has agreed to tolerate Sol as a side piece.

 

Somwhere down the track it will over fall over. Is it really worth all the stress and drama? Could there not be a simpler solution... like he stays with one or the other of the women.

POpp.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

. I skimmed a couple of your old threads - interesting reading

 

 

I first came to LS earlier this year after going through my MM's phone (with his consent) and seeing all the loving texts between he and his W. Up until this point I had completely and whole heartedly been under the impression that he had spent the last 18 months working towards ending his R with his BS. And those texts were (to me) completely at odds with that path.

 

I had a melt down. Drank a lot. Got sad. Got angry. Said I was leaving... and didn't. More than once. Posted, and read and read and read here at LS and other sites and books. In the end his assertions that I was interpreting it all wrong, that he was still on track... yadda, yadda... you know the deal... Won me over. And I stayed. Far less naive and accepting; but still here.

 

Then MM and his BS has a DDay. And I started to spend more time on the infidelity board and read what BSs go through. I also bought some books and listened to some podcasts... And then it hit me. I have been behaving and feeling like a BS!

 

In the aftermath of those initial texts I read, obviously I couldn't demand NC, but I did demand full disclosure. I'm not so sure that I have it all, but I do have all his email accounts and passwords. And Facebook. I also check his phone regularly; not every time I see him, but frequently. And I do check all the accounts, all the time! Obsessively if I'm in a funk :-(

 

Every email and text between them I read is like a knife. Ever term of endearment cuts me to the core. They're not like our exchanges... but still...

 

And sometimes I rage at him, or cry, or both... Sometimes I do these things when I'm alone. Sometimes I feel so insecure it frightens me.

 

When he's at home with his W sometimes I just can't seem to stop wondering what they're doing and then I get his email updates and wish I didn't know.

 

I fear them going through 'hysterical bonding' (which I've only just learnt about). I can't abide the thought of them having sex. It eats at me. (We made a vow to only have sex with each other over two years ago, then we stopped using protection.)

 

But it hasn't been easy. In fact it continues to be very, very hard. No rose coloured glassed in this A any more. I am not an accommodating OW, or even remotely pleasant to be around at times. Particularly when I'm in my 'negative bitch mode' as MM puts it.

 

I know it's not exactly like what a BS goes through. But it's scarily similar to what I've read. It even made me a little sympathetic to my MM; the thought of him dealing with TWO women going through this. But only a little. He knows he has one more year to work this out. And if he hasn't, I'm so gone.

 

That I feel like this seems to me both paradoxical and hypocritical; a betrayer feeling betrayed. And yet here I am feeling it.

 

I was just wondering if other OW have gone through this and feel this way :-/

 

This one stands out to me as completely opposite to the way you speak about the relationship now?

 

Practiced non-manogamy your whole life? Hardly. You were exclusive, - you expected fidelity, and would shamelessly trawl through their emails as husband and wife to confirm it. You pretend to us now that you're this evolved polyamourous person with a lifestyle you chose, but truth is, you really don't.

 

What's more astounding is that when you read BS stories and do your research you don't actually get to that place of empathy. You read story after story of betrayal, and rather than put yourself in your MMs wife shoes, you place yourself squarely in the victim role... no empathy at all. It's all about you. You clearly haven't reflected on what a BS goes through at all

 

 

And yes, the duality is what is killing me! More and more. I do want to be the primary woman in his life.

 

 

Come 2015, I won't be an AP any longer. One way or another.

 

I'm a chump. I know I should leave, but every time I think I've reached that point where I can't take anymore... I capitulate and just can't bring myself to leave my MM.

 

And I guess that's the crux of it, isn't it? You've capitulated. You've given him ultimatums and deadlines and every single time he chose the marriage. So you acquiesce. And the mental gymnastics you must have to go through to convince yourself (let alone strangers in a board) that this is actually what you want and you're "content" with the arrangement is staggering. This was never what you wanted, but over time and conditioning you've come to accept less, and less, and less and now you've convinced yourself you actually are "content".

 

So yeah, we didn't have much to say. For me, it's because on balance, you seem disinguine, and dare I say it, self-aggrandizing.

 

But no more than your MM, so maybe you two deserve each other. Pity you've had to hurt another woman for years and years though... collateral damage, right?

[heartwhole]

This was never what you wanted, but over time and conditioning you've come to accept less, and less, and less and now you've convinced yourself you actually are "content".

 

Exactly. You have 1/14 of his time and you worry that he's stretched too thin and what he must give up is his time with you. This makes no sense to me.

 

You don't sound content. Or empathetic. I would guess that underneath all of this is a huge hole where your self-esteem and empathy should be.

[Maddieandtae]

I don't even know what to really think of your posts/updates. Your life and outlook is beyond my simple life.

 

I really don't mean any offence, I just know I cannot live my life as the three of you are doing. I'm single now though and have no interest in a relationship. Plus I'm super insecure about myself!

 

The married mans wife really interests me, she must be quite intellectual and secure about her "place" in life as you are. She has got to be one strong woman in my opinion to lunch with her husbands mistress:)

 

To be honest your posts read like a best seller in the making, along the lines of a Gone Girl novel!

[Poppy47]

I don't even know what to really think of your posts/updates. Your life and outlook is beyond my simple life.

 

I really don't mean any offence, I just know I cannot live my life as the three of you are doing. I'm single now though and have no interest in a relationship. Plus I'm super insecure about myself!

 

The married mans wife really interests me, she must be quite intellectual and secure about her "place" in life as you are. She has got to be one strong woman in my opinion to lunch with her husbands mistress:)

 

To be honest your posts read like a best seller in the making, along the lines of a Gone Girl novel!

 

I have to agree here. It is way outside this grandmother's experience of relationships.

 

I always say, whatever floats your boat.... that is if it truly floats your boat.

 

Poppy

[LivingWaterPlease]

SolG, you've seen only a fraction of a very small sliver of the pain your relationship with MM has caused his wife.

Edited February 7, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[lana-banana]

Do you subconsciously like being mistreated? Do you feel your worst instincts are validated when others are telling you off, being rude, or disrespecting you? That's the only explanation I have for why you're willing to tolerate this---and why you seem to relish people's appalled reactions in this thread.

 

This is not some sophisticated new age-y open relationship situation. Instead of planning a future with him you are "rostered" into his schedule and his wife tolerates it. He is allowed to make time for you so long as she knows about it, like playing video games or gambling. You've actually been demoted from being a mistress to being a hobby; you're a vice she dislikes but endures.

 

He's moved to another state but still hasn't left his wife, and apparently has no intention of leaving. How hard is that, knowing he's moved but still doesn't want anything more with you? Meanwhile you have gone from demanding to be first in his life to pretending you're content with seeing him once every two weeks.

 

The entire situation reminds me of two couples I know that sanctioned cheating in their relationships, one because the man was too ill for sex for a long time, and the other because the husband had to take a very lengthy deployment. I remember it caused a lot of stress and strife at the time, but both couples ended the arrangements after a few years and ultimately stayed together. I wonder if that's how this man's wife describes it to her friends. I can't help but think she would have a very, very different account of this situation.

 

You say everything is out in the open now, but you're still required to be discreet and only exist as a scheduled activity. This man has been blatantly dishonest to you before about the nature of his relationship with his wife. If you think they aren't still regularly communicating (including communicating about you!) you have another thing coming.

[SolG]

Hey guys ☺ Lots of water under the bridge since I last updated.

 

Since then have spent a lot of time with MM, his W and my therapist. And have reflected a lot. We're all doing much better. MM, his W and I that is... never really sure how my therapist is doing!

 

My therapist and I discussed the monogamy spectrum quite a bit. And betrayal and what it entails to different people. And also that eternal question; what is love? And MM, his W and I have had many related follow on discussions that have greatly aided our mutual understanding.

 

MM's W is an absolute monogamist. She has never had another R, ever. And she thought MM was/had too. For her the A was a double whammy of discovering a whole other dimension to her partner that entailed not just infidelity, but having to reconcile the distance and lies and identity. She needs a trusted confidante in a life partner. 'Trusted' being key.

 

MM is mid-point on the scale. He's highly sexual and has a vivid fantasy life, but in order to be sexual he needs emotional connection and trust. He could have multiple partners, but he needs to care about them all. He wants emotionally intimate engagement.

 

And me, I'm open to Rs of all varieties. I like low (not no) intimacy sex all the way to highly emotionally intimate sexual relationships and can enjoy a variety of them simultaneously.

But truth is my need. Don't lie to me.

 

And our views on commitment also vary. MM's W needs security. Her greatest fear is to be 'cast off'. As an absolute monogamist her nature is that she cannot/will not ever love another. Commitment to her is a lifelong endeavor and promise to love and support and provide. Emotional intimacy is also important, but only in so much as it promotes family and commitment.

 

Somewhat strangely (to me) MM sees commitment as meaning somewhat the same. If you love someone you commit. You're there for them and support them emotionally and pragmatically.

 

And I see commitment as showing up. 99 per cent of the time I'm good to go by myself, but that 1 per cent when I need you... be there.

 

And for the final dimension of love, passion. Passion to MM's W is not irrelevant, but a sidebar to responsible commitment. To MM it is important and highly desirable. To me passion is like breathing; in life and Rs both.

 

We've collaboratively reached a point where I believe we understand each other's needs. I can assure MM's W that I have no intention of 'stealing' him, not that I could. MM has reiterated that he has no scarcity of love; and that loving the both of us does not diminish his love or commitment to the other. He will always be there for her until death. And me, although differently.

 

And also I've assured MM's W that the fact that I see other people does not mean I'll desert them. I will promote their goals, as will my wonderfully tolerant family. MM's W laments that level of non-judgmental acceptance which makes me effing angry tbh! They were seriously judgmental about her choosing to live with MM before marriage - the only thing that made it ok was that they subsequently married. And they still bring it up! As in you were such a 'S' you let that happen before M. WTF?

 

You've got it straight if you think my allegiance is to my MM, his W and family. And mine. We're a team now and woe betide! I'm not sure she feels exactly the same about me... but hurt my metamour (my partner's partner) and I will seriously defend her beyond the telling of it!

 

You guys called me on my lack of empathy. And I get that. But I am, we all are, seriously working on it.

[jenkins95]

Hi solG

 

Nice to see you back again, and you seem happy, which is great!

 

Thanks for the update - that's really interesting.

 

My own personal take, from an objective point of view, only having your post to go on, is that the arrangement you have is great for you and MM. Both of you are having your cake and eating it. His wife seems like an amazing person to have accommodated the affair into her life and become accepting of it. But deep down, I suspect that it brings her a lot of hurt and sadness and that she tolerates it only because of her dread of being "cast off" as you say. Secretly she probably wishes you'd disappear and leave them in peace, but she's "bought​ into it" only because she feels she has no other choice.

 

Just my opinion! I don't mean to upset you and I may very well be over simplifying things here. I only have your words to go on, and this these, this is how I read it. She's a pretty amazing person. Very few wives would allow this arrangement in their marriages.

 

At the end of the day, this arrangement is very unconventional, but if it works for all three of you, then why not?!

 

I wish you all the very best of luck! x

Edited June 10, 2017 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

Hi solG

 

Nice to see you back again, and you seem happy, which is great!

 

Thanks for the update - that's really interesting.

 

My own personal take, from an objective point of view, only having your post to go on, is that the arrangement you have is great for you and MM. Both of you are having your cake and eating it. His wife seems like an amazing person to have accommodated the affair into her life and become accepting of it. But deep down, I suspect that it brings her a lot of hurt and sadness and that she tolerates it only because of her dread of being "cast off" as you say. Secretly she probably wishes you'd disappear and leave them in peace, but she's "bought​ into it" only because she feels she has no other choice.

 

Just my opinion! I don't mean to upset you and I may very well be over simplifying things here. I only have your words to go on, and this these, this is how I read it. She's a pretty amazing person. Very few wives would allow this arrangement in their marriages.

 

At the end of the day, this arrangement is very unconventional, but if it works for all three of you, then why not?!

 

I wish you all the very best of luck! x

Yes...I told SolG long ago the issue just on the horizon....his wife finding a more suitable man...it will completely​ change the entire dynamic. I suspect Sol would be dropped . Sadly, I fear it's only a matter of time.

[Jemima1234]

Hey guys ☺ Lots of water under the bridge since I last updated.

 

Since then have spent a lot of time with MM, his W and my therapist. And have reflected a lot. We're all doing much better. MM, his W and I that is... never really sure how my therapist is doing!

 

My therapist and I discussed the monogamy spectrum quite a bit. And betrayal and what it entails to different people. And also that eternal question; what is love? And MM, his W and I have had many related follow on discussions that have greatly aided our mutual understanding.

 

MM's W is an absolute monogamist. She has never had another R, ever. And she thought MM was/had too. For her the A was a double whammy of discovering a whole other dimension to her partner that entailed not just infidelity, but having to reconcile the distance and lies and identity. She needs a trusted confidante in a life partner. 'Trusted' being key.

 

MM is mid-point on the scale. He's highly sexual and has a vivid fantasy life, but in order to be sexual he needs emotional connection and trust. He could have multiple partners, but he needs to care about them all. He wants emotionally intimate engagement.

 

And me, I'm open to Rs of all varieties. I like low (not no) intimacy sex all the way to highly emotionally intimate sexual relationships and can enjoy a variety of them simultaneously.

But truth is my need. Don't lie to me.

 

And our views on commitment also vary. MM's W needs security. Her greatest fear is to be 'cast off'. As an absolute monogamist her nature is that she cannot/will not ever love another. Commitment to her is a lifelong endeavor and promise to love and support and provide. Emotional intimacy is also important, but only in so much as it promotes family and commitment.

 

Somewhat strangely (to me) MM sees commitment as meaning somewhat the same. If you love someone you commit. You're there for them and support them emotionally and pragmatically.

 

And I see commitment as showing up. 99 per cent of the time I'm good to go by myself, but that 1 per cent when I need you... be there.

 

And for the final dimension of love, passion. Passion to MM's W is not irrelevant, but a sidebar to responsible commitment. To MM it is important and highly desirable. To me passion is like breathing; in life and Rs both.

 

We've collaboratively reached a point where I believe we understand each other's needs. I can assure MM's W that I have no intention of 'stealing' him, not that I could. MM has reiterated that he has no scarcity of love; and that loving the both of us does not diminish his love or commitment to the other. He will always be there for her until death. And me, although differently.

 

And also I've assured MM's W that the fact that I see other people does not mean I'll desert them. I will promote their goals, as will my wonderfully tolerant family. MM's W laments that level of non-judgmental acceptance which makes me effing angry tbh! They were seriously judgmental about her choosing to live with MM before marriage - the only thing that made it ok was that they subsequently married. And they still bring it up! As in you were such a 'S' you let that happen before M. WTF?

 

You've got it straight if you think my allegiance is to my MM, his W and family. And mine. We're a team now and woe betide! I'm not sure she feels exactly the same about me... but hurt my metamour (my partner's partner) and I will seriously defend her beyond the telling of it!

 

You guys called me on my lack of empathy. And I get that. But I am, we all are, seriously working on it.

 

I find your situation fascinating - I don't know if I could do it but sounds like it works for you. R MM and his W still workin on the physical intimacy side? Have you accepted that?

[anika99]

I'm most puzzled by his wife. If monogamy is a core value to her then I just don't know how on earth she is tolerating this. I have been in relationships where I have tried to ignore my own values and principles for the sake of the relationship and it was misery and I couldn't sustain it. To me love for another person is not enough to make me turn my back on myself and who I am.

 

Thanks for the update and keep us posted.

[Maddieandtae]

I'm curious as to why your family would call her a derogatory name? Maybe I don't remember quite right but I thought your family was aware of your relationship with the MM?

 

If they don't how could you possibly listen to those names without fessing up to the relationship dynamics you three now have?

[SolG]

Hi solG

 

Nice to see you back again, and you seem happy, which is great!

 

Thanks for the update - that's really interesting.

 

My own personal take, from an objective point of view, only having your post to go on, is that the arrangement you have is great for you and MM. Both of you are having your cake and eating it. His wife seems like an amazing person to have accommodated the affair into her life and become accepting of it. But deep down, I suspect that it brings her a lot of hurt and sadness and that she tolerates it only because of her dread of being "cast off" as you say. Secretly she probably wishes you'd disappear and leave them in peace, but she's "bought​ into it" only because she feels she has no other choice.

 

Just my opinion! I don't mean to upset you and I may very well be over simplifying things here. I only have your words to go on, and this these, this is how I read it. She's a pretty amazing person. Very few wives would allow this arrangement in their marriages.

 

At the end of the day, this arrangement is very unconventional, but if it works for all three of you, then why not?!

 

I wish you all the very best of luck! x

 

Hi Jenks. Have had a quick catch up on your posts and I'm so pleased you're doing so well in reconciliation!

 

MM's W absolutely was devastated - I appreciate that far greater now than I used to. Now though she says she's greatful to know the truth and her H better than she ever has done before. A lot of things, even from before me now make sense and she has achieved a level of peace from that. And surety from our arrangement now.

 

To paraphrase another LS poster; she loves him more than she dislikes what he and I did.

 

Yes...I told SolG long ago the issue just on the horizon....his wife finding a more suitable man...it will completely​ change the entire dynamic. I suspect Sol would be dropped . Sadly, I fear it's only a matter of time.

 

DTK3 his W is a monogamist, not a serial monogamist as is most common now in Western society. We've both talked to her about other partners, or the possibility of ending the M and seeking an alternate life partner... but she is hard over on MM being her one and only forever. End of story!

 

I find your situation fascinating - I don't know if I could do it but sounds like it works for you. R MM and his W still workin on the physical intimacy side? Have you accepted that?

 

They have had sex once about two/three months ago. I won't go into the whys and wherefores, but they've put it on hold again for the time being. But it is still an aspiration for them down track.

 

Have I accepted it? TBH I have as many mixed feelings about them not having sex as I do about them having it!

 

This has been part of working through this with my therapist and gaining perspective and empathy for MM's W. I was sexually and romantically emotionally monogamous with MM for almost four years - the first time I'd been either. And during that time I came to rely on him so much in those dimensions of my life that it hurt when I felt I couldn't. My therapist said to multiply my hurt a thousand fold to imagine his W's hurt, because she'd always experienced/assumed this reciprocal reliance as a given expectation. For me it was an aberrant hopeful dream dashed, for her it was her life's assumption shattered.

 

So part of me really wants them to resume a sexual dimension to their M because it will make them (and me by extension) more satisfied with life as we know it. But another part of me grieves that I'll lose the experience of something exclusive. I cognitively understand that there is no diminishment of anyone in openly having sex with different people because it is such a gloriously different experience with every discrete pairing... and I also know this from experience... but... the selfish part of me mourns that I will lose the exclusive knowing of this one partner that has meant so much to me. It's akin to handing over a priceless and prized Stradivarius to another virtuoso violinist and saying have your way. You know they will care for it and play it exquisitely, with no impact at all on your own appreciation or playing, but you selfishly covet the playing all for yourself.

 

Possibly not the best analogy as people are not inanimate objects to be passively played... but my therapist likes it!

 

I'm most puzzled by his wife. If monogamy is a core value to her then I just don't know how on earth she is tolerating this. I have been in relationships where I have tried to ignore my own values and principles for the sake of the relationship and it was misery and I couldn't sustain it. To me love for another person is not enough to make me turn my back on myself and who I am.

 

Thanks for the update and keep us posted.

 

She's become quite pragmatic about that. Monogamy is absolutely a core value of hers, and she is monogamous. She's come to accept that her H is not. And whilst she does not necessarily love that component of who he is, she loves him and wants him to be fulfilled.

 

She has actually been far more accepting of her H being non-monogamous than me. She perceives non-monogamy as a largely male trait/desire. My having other partners was almost a deal breaker for her. She found/finds it perplexing that I can love MM so much but still want others in my life sexually and emotionally.

 

I'm curious as to why your family would call her a derogatory name? Maybe I don't remember quite right but I thought your family was aware of your relationship with the MM?

 

If they don't how could you possibly listen to those names without fessing up to the relationship dynamics you three now have?

 

I miswrote in my haste. Yes, my family does know and are completely accepting.

 

I was referring to MM's W's family being judgemental. Her mother in particular. She was raised with the expectation of being monogamous, as were her siblings. Whilst she and MM did live together before M, it was only forgiven because they shortly thereafter got married. Yet it is still referenced as an infarction, despite only she and one other sibling sticking to the 'protocol' of monogamy. And there are numerous other judgments I find objectionable. Her weight, her 'good daughterness'... Her mother recently moaned about the adequateness of her birthday celebration that was frankly well organised by MM's W and was lovely... then she forgot MM's W's birthday shortly thereafter... well my blood boils!

 

Trust me if I had the ability to seriously piss her mother off and integrate MM's W into my family I would!

Edited June 13, 2017 by SolG

[anika99]

Maybe his wife should consider therapy. It sounds like she has long standing family issues and a real inability to stand up for herself. If she resolved her childhood problems perhaps she would also take a stand for herself in her marriage instead of feeling like she just has to live with her husband's infidelity.

[SolG]

Maybe his wife should consider therapy. It sounds like she has long standing family issues and a real inability to stand up for herself. If she resolved her childhood problems perhaps she would also take a stand for herself in her marriage instead of feeling like she just has to live with her husband's infidelity.

 

All three of us have had therapy ☺ And we don't see it as infidelity.

[whichwayisup]

All three of us have had therapy ☺ And we don't see it as infidelity.

 

I've mentioned this before, so your R with him/her is sort of like a polyamory? and MM is the pivet, though you and his wife (more her obviously) aren't completely seeing eye to eye on this.

[elaine567]

I'm most puzzled by his wife. If monogamy is a core value to her then I just don't know how on earth she is tolerating this.

 

Because she has no choice.

She has no doubt done a cost benefit analysis and she has come to the conclusion that she is better with a husband (and a mistress) in her life than no man at all. He is the father of her children too.

The sacrifice she makes is "worth it".

BUT at what real cost to herself?

 

All three of us have had therapy ☺ And we don't see it as infidelity.

I very much doubt that his wife truly sees it like that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

SolG, I've followed your thread since you began posting to see what becomes of the relationship between you and MM, now the relationship between you, MM and his BW.

 

My heart breaks for MM's W and what she has gone/is going through over this breach of intimacy between her and her husband, the pain she has endured as a result of his A, and his continued intimacy with another woman.

 

You seem to be such a compassionate person as it relates to MM's W's treatment by her family to the extent that you write of your blood boiling in response to it.

 

How then can you be so compassionate toward her pain on the one hand (the pain her family causes her) while seeming not be disturbed by the pain your relationship with her husband has caused her? Seems to me the pain of her husband's betrayal would be much worse than the pain from actions you have described she suffers from via her family.

[Birdies]

I also wonder what his wife sees it as, if she does not see it as infidelity? Sincere question.

 

It seems pretty clear from your posts that she is an unwilling participant in this polyamory, and is only doing it because it's a slightly better alternative than losing her husband all together.

[travelbug1996]

My heart breaks for both women in this situation since neither of them get a man of their own. He has all this love for them both. But they (the women) get not even half a man. Its sad the sacrifices we as women make for a man. There are too many men in this world to settle for this kind of a life.

 

I bet MM in this situation wouldn't stay with a woman that was involved with him and another man (because he loved her). He would go and find another woman of his own.

 

I pray that the women in this situation find their own true worth and the love that they deserve.

 

And the man in this situation gets to have two women. I'm just like wow.

 

Best wishes

[aileD]

She thinks she doesn't have a choice. ?