How do I end it? :(

[Watertight]

My story.

 

I'm on the verge of seeking therapy but after lurking these boards on and off for months, I can't help but feel some of you are better equipped than anyone I could find to support me through the processes I need to move through.

 

I am just another cliche. I've fallen into a situation with a man I met through friends but engaged more with through work. It's that old story where we knew each other for a long time before he began what I now see as a grooming process, that I fell for; hook, line and sinker.

 

We both established a deal, early on. We never intended to leave our partners. We both absolutely couldn't even if we wanted to, which made it easier in a way because when you can't entertain the idea, the boundaries seem safe. We were using the situation to selfishly 'enhance' our lives, fooling ourselves that our happiness benefited our home life somehow. Mutual 'cake eating' would be an apt description. It was an EA (which I was in denial of at the time) for a lonnnng time before it tipped into a full blown affair.

 

A thousand billion texts later and a million fun times and low times, I just can't find my way out of it. I desperately know it's wrong but it exists in a bubble so water tight it's all too easy to compartmentalize.

 

Despite the intentions, of course now I can't help but feel that my happiness has been eroded, not enhanced as he promised me. As I promised (fooled) myself. It makes me doubt and compare my primary relationship that was healthy (enough) before this. It makes me crave things I didn't realise I even wanted at the cost of losing gratitude for what I do have.

 

I'm under no illusions, he's not 'the one' and I can and will live without him but, right now, I don't know how to kick the drug and I am scared that I won't even find a real, authentic happiness without him as part of it. Even though I know it's not authentic with him either. I'm so stuck that I feel depressed and lonely even though I know my life is good.

 

I feel like I'll be stuck in limbo forever. I don't want to be this person..... but I can't stop being it. Please don't focus on judging me for the bad deed. I do that enough myself. I am truly asking for help on how to move forward.

 

Help please. I don't know who else to turn to.

[Maddieandtae]

Therapy would be the better option than posting on an anonymous forum. You can read and receive advice, a therapist though will work with you in an non judgemental process to assist you in finding yourself and giving you the tools to establish strong coping skills:)

Edited June 24, 2016 by Maddieandtae

[Watertight]

I think you are absolutely right. I guess this is my bridging tool. I need to feel a little more grounded to take that step because I'm so damn stuck in compartments that for every part of me that knows I need to end it, there is a part of me that says "it's all fun and great???? Why ruin a good thing???" (Wish I listened to this voice BEFORE I entered into this).

[stilltrying16]

A human being can never be reduced to a cliche IMO- least of all someone as introspetctive as you seem to be.

 

It's wonderful you chose to come out of lurkdom and write, and I know you will find the advice here very helpful. FWIW I think you should still seek therapy. It is irreplaceable- though it might take a few tries before you find a therapist that is perfect for you.

 

Could you say a bit more about the circumstances- how did the two of you meet- you mentioned both friends and work, but could you give more details? Did you meet his wife and he your husband? I know you said your marriage was a happy one at the time. But can you probe further- what was your mindset if you look at it closely? Were changes or stresses going on in other areas of your life?

 

And what specifically was his grooming process- wonderful that you recognize it in retrospect, but what were some specifics? How can you lessen your vulnerability should he rework the same approach on you in an effort to reel you in?

 

Also now, what contact do you have? Is NC a possibility?

 

Does either of you have kids?

 

Affairs are addictions- they can be overcome but with work. And you seem determined to do the work. So I forsee a happy ending here.

 

I have to leave for work, but I will be following your thread with interest. Please keep posting! And take care of yourself.

[privategal]

There is no secret formula.

You be brave

You say no more

You end it

You suffer

You heal

You walk toward freedom

Ignore this advice and the pain you will face will trump and pain you have ever or will ever feel when it ends (and it will).

Its not a bubble, its a lie.

Its not love, its fantasy.

You did your research by reading here.

Your eyes are open.

Dont close them again this is a trick and a dead end and its not sweet, story book, or romantic.

Write your no contact letter press send...

[Grapesofwrath]

Welcome, Watertight. No judgement, but some encouragement. You can do this. As you have described it, this situation is now draining you and damaging you. There are a number of ways to end it, and you need to find the one that works for you. Some people just go "no contact." That works in many cases, but others feel that's not their way.

 

Can you avoid him completely? Can you block all forms of contact (you'd be amazed the relief this can provide.) Can you have a final conversation, then end it? Will he resist ending it?

 

One good thing about affairs is they can end any time, and abruptly, without a ramp-up like the break-up of another type of relationship. It's obvious why it has to end. Now it's just figuring out how.

[Satu]

You should definitely find a therapist.

 

Not because there's something 'wrong' with you, but because it will help you get more clarity on your situation.

 

 

Take care.

[Watertight]

A human being can never be reduced to a cliche IMO- least of all someone as introspetctive as you seem to be.

 

It's wonderful you chose to come out of lurkdom and write, and I know you will find the advice here very helpful. FWIW I think you should still seek therapy. It is irreplaceable- though it might take a few tries before you find a therapist that is perfect for you.

 

>> yes I'm fearful of not finding the right person. People here seem so incredibly wise, I guess I was hoping to find some faith in their counsel before I seek my own IRL.

 

Could you say a bit more about the circumstances- how did the two of you meet- you mentioned both friends and work, but could you give more details? Did you meet his wife and he your husband? I know you said your marriage was a happy one at the time. But can you probe further- what was your mindset if you look at it closely? Were changes or stresses going on in other areas of your life?

 

>> we are friends of friends and have certainly met each other's partners. He doesn't have too I have to say about mine. But she is lovely. I feel sick writing that. She absolutely doesn't deserve this from me and when I think of her I KNOW I have to quit this. Even if he does it again, which is suspect he would, I can't be this person to her.

 

>> my marriage was... it's hard to explain. He is strong minded and loyal. He would never do this. Hes also not a Man's man. There is a horrible irony in the fact that the reasons I trust him are that he is not like my AP at all. He's not a go getter in life. A leader of people. A charmer. He's a loving family man who would rather be home with us than being a career man / charmer in a cool bar.

 

And what specifically was his grooming process- wonderful that you recognize it in retrospect, but what were some specifics? How can you lessen your vulnerability should he rework the same approach on you in an effort to reel you in?

 

>> I recognized it at the time I'm sure. Just the constant texting. Pashing the boundaries of physical touch to check my response. The lines like "you're my best friend .... I can really talk to you..." Etc. I'm a fool because I knew it at the time I'm sure but for sucked into the ego boost. I call it grooming because while I was complicit he edged t further until I became compliant of bad behaviour.

 

Also now, what contact do you have? Is NC a possibility?

 

>> NC is unfortunately absolutely not a possibility. Which terrofies me and makes it so much harder to end.

 

Does either of you have kids?

 

>> both of us. It is a bond for us

 

Affairs are addictions- they can be overcome but with work. And you seem determined to do the work. So I forsee a happy ending here.

 

>> I appreciate your optimism though still feel unsure myself

 

I have to leave for work, but I will be following your thread with interest. Please keep posting! And take care of yourself.

 

Thank you so much for the response and positive thoughts. I'm sorry I haven't figured out how to reply properly to your comments (inline quoting or whatever it is called).

[rumblefish12]

My story.

 

Well you just told my story too. It's actually kind of a relief to know how cliched it all was.

 

So you talk about how it HAS affected your life, not being grateful for what you have, etc. And my experience was that after I went NC, I realized to a much greater extent the impact it did have in my marriage. There is no watertight. It is a zero sum game. You give time, attention, energy, affection to your AP, that is time, attention, energy and affection your BH and family don't receive. That's how it works in reality. An A is not seasoning on your life ... and eventually will spoil everything on your plate.

 

Let's talk about that too. You have to know that even though you've been able to maintain the secrecy up to now, that a huge number of these things come to light. I had to stop approaching the analysis from the perspective of being able to keep it secret like that was a given. It is not a given. And many will tell you that it is a given that eventually it WILL be known by all if you keep the A going.

 

How does that change the analysis of whether to stay in or not? Whether to deal with the pain in the initial withdrawal? That's what keeps me going in NC. You can do it too.

 

This place is extremely helpful but like others, IC would be a great idea. Hang in there. You can do this. We can do this.

[Watertight]

You should definitely find a therapist.

 

Not because there's something 'wrong' with you, but because it will help you get more clarity on your situation.

 

 

Take care.

Thank you. Your wisdom is certainly one I've enjoyed and taken much from when reading these forums.

[Watertight]

Well you just told my story too. It's actually kind of a relief to know how cliched it all was.

 

So you talk about how it HAS affected your life, not being grateful for what you have, etc. And my experience was that after I went NC, I realized to a much greater extent the impact it did have in my marriage. There is no watertight. It is a zero sum game. You give time, attention, energy, affection to your AP, that is time, attention, energy and affection your BH and family don't receive. That's how it works in reality. An A is not seasoning on your life ... and eventually will spoil everything on your plate.

 

Let's talk about that too. You have to know that even though you've been able to maintain the secrecy up to now, that a huge number of these things come to light. I had to stop approaching the analysis from the perspective of being able to keep it secret like that was a given. It is not a given. And many will tell you that it is a given that eventually it WILL be known by all if you keep the A going.

 

How does that change the analysis of whether to stay in or not? Whether to deal with the pain in the initial withdrawal? That's what keeps me going in NC. You can do it too.

 

This place is extremely helpful but like others, IC would be a great idea. Hang in there. You can do this. We can do this.

Rumblefish I remember reading and relating to your story. Love the seasoning metaphor too. I am very dedicated to my children which means I have sucked it all from my M instead. The poor man stands by me, trying to stone the embers. I feel terrible, and at the same time have no idea how I can begin to relight that fire.

 

I wish I never ever did this Not because of the pain of ending it. But because of the damage I don't know if I can undo

[Watertight]

To those asking NC is unfortunately not an option. LC is the best I can do due to work and an ongoing social commitment that will never cease (although I can manipulate it's regularity of course).

 

I've messed up in such a myriad of ways.

 

Rookie mistake, s#%^ing where I eat, as they sometimes say.

[Watertight]

Apologies for the many typos. I'm doing the best I can to figure out how to navigate and reply on my phone. Not sure how to edit my random mistakes yet. Just want to add I'm also thankful for the fact I can reach out so late (where I am) and from the cavern I screamed into returns voices - of support and wisdom. It's kind of surreal after lurking here so long. Thank you.

[rumblefish12]

I feel terrible, and at the same time have no idea how I can begin to relight that fire. I wish I never ever did this Not because of the pain of ending it. But because of the damage I don't know if I can undo

 

It is all a process. I really like the screenname Love Is an Action, because it is so fitting. Don't assume that you can't relight the fire. You need T&D (Time and Distance) to see things as they really stand. That's why NC is stressed. It takes you out of the source of misperception. Even if LC is the best you can do, you just have to decide on what you want and move toward it. Leave the results to themselves. Take the steps you need to take and feel good about it. In AA they say, "We are in the actions business. We aren't in the results business." You do what you can do. I'm glad you're here.

[DKT3]

Rumble fish is correct, as the line around he goes you can't see the horns if you have your head shoved in the bulls azz.

 

Two trains of thought, your situation is messed up, when we find ourselves in messed up situations you can either blow it up from the bottom taking all the pain at once or you can start at the top and painfully carry the bricks down one by one.

 

Second thought you have rationalize your way out of your marriage, it's something that most women in affairs have to do. If I truly loved my husband I could have never done this. This line of thinking passes responsible Frome yourself and places it on your husband and marriage.

 

You have to stop telling yourself it's ok.

[Watertight]

I used to blame him in the early days. Now I deeply understand I have a problem, and I alone need to resolve it. just working out the 'how' Bit...

[Sabella]

Hello Watertight

 

I'm so glad after lurking, you've decided to share your story and start the process of moving forward.

 

How do you end it? I was asking the same question a few months ago and I know how unbearable the situation with an A can be. It's truly all encompassing and you do get sucked into a bubble like you describe.

 

It does seem like you are seeing the dark sides of it too, seeing through some of the illusions and lies told both by your AP and to yourself. In the beginning a lot of that is easier to push aside, but it does slowly nag and eat at you. I'm uncertain how long you were in the A?

 

Even though I can tell you are seeing those aspects of the A and you say you want to quit, I can't tell if you are truly at that point. It's a lot like hitting rock bottom of an addiction.

 

For me, throughout my life, I never understood cheating and I was completely judgemental as to how someone could not simply end one relationship to begin another. I felt this way all my life really and believe it or not, aside from the affair, the biggest lie in the entire world ffs, I live that way still, with honesty. So after a perfect storm of situations involving a long, bad marriage and lying to myself, I found myself in a 3 year A. Started with a 1 year EA with him. We never wanted to leave our marriage or kids, I was content to live this way till my children left home. My rock bottom finally hit when I realized I truly didn't even recognize myself anymore. I had pushed the guilt and the lies aside for a long time, but it did rip at my soul. I was not living authentically, heck I didn't even know who I was anymore, aside from the cliche I had become.

 

Your situation is even more difficult as you can not NC. I'm telling you now, that unless you are completely ready, in your heart and soul to end this, that being LC and ambivilent, will destroy any chance you have of ending your A. There was for me, lots of push/pull ending before this last final ending, and I think that is fairly normal. What makes the final exit final, is You and your mindset. He will try and pull you back over and over. You have to be resolute during all of that.

 

The lies I told myself that led me to an A? Was simply fear of being alone and the unknown. Now my A has ended and I've ended my M (double whammy) and I am now living my biggest fear. But I'm here to tell you that even in my worst case scenario, it's not that bad. I feel relief to living authentically, of not living a lie and to now focus on whoever the heck I am. There are days, plenty of days, that I desire to climb back into the bubble. But really, that got me nowhere and I was often unhappy in the bubble as well during even the best of those times.

 

If you want to quit, you just need to do it and stand by that choice. It won't be easy, but it is possible. You can't even think straight when you are in the middle of an A, it clouds everything. To start sorting out your life, you need to remove the obstacles to see clearly, getting rid of your A is step one on that journey. I wish you nothing but luck and hope in this process.

 

Please keep posting, even if it's not super positive. Vent here instead of going to your AP. Do seek out IC as well. This next part will be like unraveling a giant knot of string and you need as many people in your corner to cheer you on as possible and to sort through it. If you find a great therapist, they will help you in this.

[DKT3]

I used to blame him in the early days. Now I deeply understand I have a problem, and I alone need to resolve it. just working out the 'how' Bit...

 

First step is change....this is where I believe you will struggle because you've already stated you can go NC . As long as you make excuses nothing will change. Many ways you can start to change this situation, start spending more time with your husband, start looking for a new job. Don't make excuses as to why these things can't be done.

 

I'll be honest, we are only human no one is immune to falling prey to infidelity on either side, but the resolve that should have kept you from getting this deep is the same resolve you will have to muster up to get out.

 

You can do it if it's what you truly want, if not you will stay stuck in limbo. I've been hanging around here since later 2013, there are still people stuck in this very stage now. That's a long time to live with this, is that what you want?

Edited June 24, 2016 by DKT3

[malvern99]

Not to rock the boat here, but I wonder what type of advice you would like your husband to receive here were the roles reversed. It's a good question to ask yourself because what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If you firmly believe you would not want to know if your husband had a girlfriend on the side, or that he would have continuing LC with said girlfriend or anything else you are going through then keep going down this path. However, if you feel you would have the right to know that he has a "secret sister wife" (sorry Lobe, I have officially stolen that term... it's mine now, deal with it ) then surely he has a right to know he has been living in make believe land for the length of your A. That's my 2 cents on that.

 

How does your situation get resolved in the best possible way for all parties involved (both aware and unaware)? What does the perfect end look like for you? Answers to these questions will help people give you advice more tailored to your end goals. Good luck OP.

[13Hearts]

Getting back to being grateful for what you have starts by reminding yourself every day of what you have. And then thanking someone for those things. The most available person to thank for what you have is your Higher Power. Do you have a Higher Power? If you don't, you may want to get one, and then start thanking it/him/her for what you have, every night before you go to bed.

 

But yeah, affairs don't improve your life. They damage and destroy, just like drugs.

 

Now, when it comes to this guy, you have two choices. Try to wean yourself off him, or go cold turkey. Lots of people go full cold turkey, cut all ties, block him everywhere, and bite the bullet until you can breathe free.

 

The way I look at it? I have lived most of my life without xMM, I can certainly make it day by day, week by week, month by month, without him. It's just a guy.

Edited June 24, 2016 by 13Hearts

[Lobe]

I used to blame him in the early days. Now I deeply understand I have a problem, and I alone need to resolve it. just working out the 'how' Bit...

 

You blamed him for the affair, which is not true - that is ALL on you. But you are not actually all alone in being responsible for the marital problems. Without blaming (and that's the tricky part) can work your way backwards to when you first started seeing holes in the marriage? When you got together, you loved each other very much - what changed? It's not usually a single catastrophic event but rather a culmination of years of slights, downplaying or avoiding things or ignoring them altogether because it was easier just to keep your head down and barrel through.

 

Think back to when you first met, and rather than thinking about your husband made you feel, think about how you wanted to make HIM feel. This is one of the things my hubs and I really got hammered with in MC. I got the, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. So we had to make choices about how to get that loving feeling back. We started dating again, and the first few dates were incredibly awkward - it was like we were complete strangers. We were given this list of questions to do, based on a study by Arthur Aron about developing intimacy. The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings

 

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

 

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

 

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

 

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

 

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

 

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

 

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

 

17. What is your most treasured memory?

 

18. What is your most terrible memory?

 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

 

20. What does friendship mean to you?

 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

 

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

 

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

 

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

 

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

 

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

 

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

 

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

 

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

 

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

 

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

 

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

 

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

Close the door on the A, and turn that wasted energy back on your own family.

 

Virtual hugs only, because real hugs would put you inside my personal bubble and that's not OK unless you bring the mojitos...

 

~bursts into song~

 

"You've lost that loving feeling...

whooooooah that loving feeling..."

Edited June 24, 2016 by Lobe
tyops... grrrr

[Josmatjes]

I could of written your story word for word.

My affair, dday, separation and no contact has been a bitter journey for me the past 4 years. I think what you first need to do is to figure out what made you vulnerable to an affair. No one falls into it. It's a line that we step over justifying our actions. But what is it that made you justify them?

Then you need to figure out what you want to do. Based on what you've learned about yourself. Do you stay married? Get separated? Confess? Go no contact? For me it's been a range of emotions and I've been to hell and back. I chose separation cause for me I realized my husband couldn't supply what I needed or me to him. I wanted to be fair to him because I do still love him very much. The affair ripped my soul out and changed me forever. I'll never trust anyone that easily again which isn't a horrible thing but still...

The only way to figure out what you truly want is to put the affair behind you and chalk it up to a life experience. Go no contact with him and focus on yourself. Eventually you will start to see the sun through the clouds. I know a lot of posters say to focus on your marraige and husband but I disagree. I think you need to figure out what makes you tick. It's a process and it sucks and it's hard. But just take it day to day and eventually things will start to make more and more sense. Good luck...

[minimariah]

I feel terrible, and at the same time have no idea how I can begin to relight that fire.

 

question - was that fire EVER there...? were there ever blissfully happy and passionate times in your marriage, can you recall that?

[Jersey born raised]

Adultery is an ugly word and concept. One of the reasons is those stolen moments, the joy and the laughter, those are life. Without them we live a half of life. You have not discussed your marriage and what might be done to improve it and fix it. Until you change the focus of your attention back to your marriage you will remain in limbo.

 

This many in fact be an exit affair on your part, not his. Something is so broken in your marriage that you have given up on it. I've read many threads by Waywards here and on other boards and until they start posting about the marriage and how to fix it the affair continues consuming them.

 

As to how to drive the MOM away, start talking about a future together and divorce lawyers - he will exit stage left.

[Watertight]

Hi all, I haven't been scared away by your responses. I've rather been pondering your questions across the day it's hard when something only exists, so tightly coiled and cussioned with 'justification' - it's hard to unravel it all and answer your questions without deep thought.

 

My M did have a passion that has ebbed and flowed over a long period of time. We've even (early on) had break ups that led me to decide he was ultimately the person for me as I found other people often bitterly disappointing in their follow through. The M lacks passion now, because of course I've withdrawn in all manner of ways. I've done enough reading to know this is a creation of my own doing and I'm bitterly disappointed for my story being a lesson I couldn't learn until it was too late. Someone joked earlier they should teach affairs as a class in school - maybe they should! The damage is so difficult to comprehend when it's such a taboo topic to begin with.

 

Anyway I am pondering your other Qs. A few people have commented pushing for NC... I cannot stress enough this is not an option. I think it would be a hell of a lot easier if it was. The fact I can't is one of the reasons I hesitate to begin to deal with this - cause I will never have the closure I crave.

 

It's amazing how cold about the situation I feel already just letting the steam escape my head a little.