How to convince husband that he knows everything.

[drifter777]

We've actually made a lot of improvements in our sex life recently. We are connecting on a deeper level, emotionally and mentally and it's lead to a natural progression in us wanting to be intimate and it not feeling like a chore. It's actually been incredibly healing. We have both said that this may end up being the best thing that has happened to our marriage because it's helped us to realize how much we don't want to give up.

Ok - great. But why are you here? What are you looking for?

[Plumeria22]

I'm just at a loss on how to convince him he's reached all there is to it. That there isn't more I'm holding back. I feel unless he feels I've been totally forthcoming that we won't be able to truly move forward. It's just hard because I made such a bad mistake by trying to hide it and only tell him bits at a time that it basically takes away all of my credibility..he'll always think there's something else I haven't let out.

[drifter777]

I'm just at a loss on how to convince him he's reached all there is to it. That there isn't more I'm holding back. I feel unless he feels I've been totally forthcoming that we won't be able to truly move forward. It's just hard because I made such a bad mistake by trying to hide it and only tell him bits at a time that it basically takes away all of my credibility..he'll always think there's something else I haven't let out.

 

But your marriage has never been better! This may end up being the best thing that ever happened to your marriage! Why worry about whether he will get over this? Things are so much better now!

[DKT3]

Ha-ha and here is the cruel joke about relationships, you say now you guys have a mental and emotional connection that make the two of you want intimacy......WRONG, your being physical on a regular basis makes him want to connect with you emotionally. We as different genders have to understand we take different roads to get to the same point

 

Females emotion =physical=happy

 

Males physical=emotional=happy

 

As I said a cruel joke

[DKT3]

But your marriage has never been better! This may end up being the best thing that ever happened to your marriage! Why worry about whether he will get over this? Things are so much better now!

 

It will erode their progress over time because he doesn't really trust her.

 

I'll I can say is stay consistent, set up a polygraph, be proactive.

[road]

Schedule a polygraph.

 

 

Live you life now as an open book.

 

 

I have to ask when you say you did not have sex with the OM are you using the Bill Clinton defense?

 

 

Sleeping in the same bed as the OM and never saw each others "good parts", no physical contact of any kind. Men can get an erection from a woman just from spooning in bed.

[Marc878]

Lack of trust will eventually destroy any marriage over time. Find a way to put this behind you.

 

A poly may very well be your answer.

[aliveagain]

Before that title gets too confusing.. he DOES know everything. But he's having a hard time believing that I've told him all there is to it and I don't know what I can do.

 

Backstory: In 2012 I met a man who lives out of state on the internet. It was innocent, though flirtatious. There was never any talk of meeting, sex, or being together, it was just a friendship that as a married woman I should have never had since I obviously did not tell my husband about our conversations. My husband and I have had a pretty rocky marriage over the last few years, he is a very sexual person where I am not, and it has often been a source of contention. Divorce has been mentioned more times than I can count. The summer of 2014 I was on a road trip with friends and I found myself in the same state as the man. I had been in continuous communication with him and we decided we would meet finally. I ended up staying with him in his home (that he shared with his brother and family) for a few weeks. I slept in his room on a separate foam mattress due to space and he was respectful of the boundaries and the fact that I was married. It was also the first time that conversations were had about "what if" I wasn't married and how we could be together and be happy, but since that wasn't the case, it never progressed further. I returned home to my husband and my conversations with the other man pretty much ended.. it was very awkward actually how abrupt it was, but that was that. Things continued to be tense with my husband and a few months later he told me he wanted to separate and move out. Instead of this, I just told him I wanted to move to the state where the guy lived (we do have connections there so it wasn't so far fetched) of course I did not tell him why and honestly I did not go specifically to persue a relationship with this other man. I needed to get far away and it seemed like a logical step at the time, because I am an idiot. A few weeks after I moved, my husband told me he created a dating profile. He wanted to see what else was out there. I should have used this opportunity to be honest, but I kind of mentally snapped and made a bad choice. I should have created my own dating profile and saw what else was out there, but I didn't. Instead I decided to go the "easy" route, and contact this other guy and tell him we could finally be together. I was on a month to month contract and staying with various friends in the state, but I then decided to just move back in with this other man out of convenience. Here's where it gets complicated. My husband was forthcoming about his dating (he admitted to going on 30 or so dates and says there was only one second date and he never even kissed any of them and I do think I should believe him), but I lied to him and I told him that I was not ready to be with anybody else. He tells me now if I had told him I was going to date he would gave shut down his profile, but I'm not sure if that's true. This man knew about my situation and it was easy for me to not start over somewhere new, and just jump into something I knew for a quick self esteem fix. We did kiss but it never went further and did not progress into a sexual relationship.. though this time we did share a bed. I understand how crappy that sounds, but it just never naturally went there. Fast forward to a few months later, my husband and I decide we love eachother too much and are going to give it another shot and i move back to the state where he is. Things with the other man were just not going well anyway, and that is not a relationship I would like to pursue long term anymore regardless of if things do not work out with my husband. That situation is completely over. A few months ago my husband (who has been rightfully suspicious of what we did when we were apart for many months) found out about the other guy and the whole situation. I was an idiot again and tried to make up a story to cover my tracks...I would give him a little information at a time and basically lie to him to make things not look so bad. I should have been honest with him from the beginning and let it all out at once but I made the stupid decision to try and keep it under wraps and I ended up screwing myself over in the process. Here's the problem... we still want to work things out but my husband says he doesn't believe I have told him everything. He thinks there is no way in hell that I didn't have a sexual relationship and he said even if I did, we could work it out, but he just wants to know the truth. He said since I spent so long making up stories and trickling things out that he thinks I'm still not being completely honest with him and there's more to it. I love my husband more than anything and he is an amazing man. We have had our differences, but lately things have been better than ever and we've never been closer. I'm just so torn apart because he will always think there is more to the story and I don't know how to convince him otherwise. It sucks even more because I know how badly it sounds and I probably wouldn't believe it either if I heard it from somebody else. What can I do to convince him there is nothing more to it? He truly believes I am remorseful and that there is no more communication with the other man, which is a great start. But I need to know how we can heal from this when I don't have any more bombs to drop and truth to let out.

 

You had an affair, that is the first thing you need to do, accept that you did. You don't have to have sex for it to be an affair. Why would you be on a road trip for weeks without your husband and children? Why as a married woman with a family did you think it would be ok to stay for weeks with a man that your husband doesn't know about? The people that you were on the road trip knew, where were they staying? You were never honest with your husband, he never knew you were emotionally tied up with another man and that you were only with him part time. Part time relationships never work out. Your husband doesn't trust you because you were having a relationship with another man and you hid it from him. When discovered you lied and rather then tell him the truth you trickle truth him only letting out bits and pieces of what actually happened causing him additional hurt.

 

Write out a full timeline of all the events that took place with the other man then book a polygraph to confirm the truth. Get professional help for yourself. Stop lying to your husband, commit to being in a fulltime relationship with him. Give him access to all your accounts and passwords. Infidelity doesn't always end a marriage, lying and being deceptive does.

[Liam1]

Yes sorry, my first post so I am still getting the hang of it.

 

I think the difference is he told me that HE was going to date and that if I told him I was going to date he would have stopped. Plus mine was a long standing "emotional affair" with somebody I had a connection with where he was just meeting new people to explore options.

 

I did not read all the posts.

 

But, really Plumeria:

 

If he TOLD you he was going to date, you did not then need permission to date.

 

This is not the dark ages.

[Liam1]

We've actually made a lot of improvements in our sex life recently. We are connecting on a deeper level, emotionally and mentally and it's lead to a natural progression in us wanting to be intimate and it not feeling like a chore. It's actually been incredibly healing. We have both said that this may end up being the best thing that has happened to our marriage because it's helped us to realize how much we don't want to give up.

 

Plumeria:

 

I am glad to read this positive post. I post here because I want people to know that a marriage can be much better after an affair. Your post will likely help a lot of people.

 

It is said that some people come here for help and they get trashed or they only read gloom and doom stories from people who are likely in false reconciliations.

 

My marriage is far better since my affair, both according to my wife and me.

 

When we were in counseling our counselor said, when she ended therapy, that she knew from the beginning that our reconciliation was real because we both took responsibility and we both wanted things to work.

 

You go girl.

[66Charger]

Plumeria:

 

You go girl.

 

I can guarantee your husband isnt saying that.

[Buckeye2]

You entered into a down low relationship with him, sneaked off to meet him, slept with him, packed up and moved out of stated to be with him, planned to carry on with him etc etc etc.

 

The fact you didn't close the deal is just a technicality.

 

I agree but back to your original question. How to get your husband to believe that you didn't have sex. I think what's below is your best chance. That is you don't want to have sex with anyone ever. You husband has personal experience with that so it will be more believable. You were using the OM for emotional relief and as usual never put out. Just say what DKT3 said.

 

 

Here is why I believe you.

 

You admit you aren't a sexual person, to the point that it put your marriage at its breaking point. You being unwilling to connect physically most likely caused your husband to withdraw emotionally as which point the Om enters the picture...it's all emotional with no sex your perfect relationship.

 

You then go to visit at which point I'm sure Om pushed for sex, maybe there was some sexual contact but no actual sex. You go home and everything with Om stops because once again your unwillingness to connect physically.

 

The split happened and you think ok now I can pursue this perfect sexless relationship (come on the dude lives with his mother) again I'm sure he is pushing for sex at which point you realize it isn't a perfect relationship and your focus now turns back to your husband.

 

It all makes perfect sense to me.

 

[Liam1]

I'm just so torn apart because he will always think there is more to the story and I don't know how to convince him otherwise.

 

IMO, offering to do a polygraph is a great idea.

 

Although they can sometimes give false positives, which may incriminate you even though you are innocent.

 

This is one of the reasons most attorneys will not allow their innocent clients to take a poly.

 

Still, the real issue you need to deal with, given the circumstances you described, is WHY your husband is so darned eager to refuse to believe what you say?

 

It seems a little odd, given the circumstances, involving his behavior.

[aliveagain]

IMO, offering to do a polygraph is a great idea.

 

Although they can sometimes give false positives, which may incriminate you even though you are innocent.

 

This is one of the reasons most attorneys will not allow their innocent clients to take a poly.

 

Still, the real issue you need to deal with, given the circumstances you described, is WHY your husband is so darned eager to refuse to believe what you say?

It seems a little odd, given the circumstances, involving his behavior.

 

Just taking a good guess here but maybe it has to do with her trickle truth, lying and being deceptive about her being in a relationship with another man. Add to that the fact that she actually slept alone with him in his room for a few weeks while still married to him(let's not forget that her husband has no idea where she is staying or her relationship with this guy). No normal husband would give his approval to do such a marriage destroying act, perhaps this is why she denied it ever happened for so long. Even a monkey sitting on a rock knows it's not a good idea. Book the polygraph, quit wasting time, save your marriage if you really want to. Let your husband decide if taking a polygraph is a good or bad idea. Yes false positives can happen but that isn't enough to stop every major police service on the planet from using the service, just ask the FBI, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, Scotland Yard, the CIA, they all use it. The real reason most lawyers don't want their clients taking a polygraph test is because they will get busted.

[Liam1]

When he first told me about his dates he said he couldn't remember how many he had. Now he counted and says it's less than 20 that he can remember. I told him when it was all happening that I didn't want to know details and I didn't know anything about any of them until recently.

 

The dates were all with different women, not the same one so I do believe it didn't go farther since it wasn't a repeat with anybody.

 

I've considered there may be more to the story but at this point I think he would have come forward. He respected me enough to be upfront about pursuing dates with other people and at the time I did tell him to get whatever he needed to out of his system. I didn't show him the same respect.

 

Plumeiria:

 

Your are willing to TRUST his story, but he is not willing to trust yours.

 

This relationship sounds very one sided and very double standardish.

 

A relationship should not be this difficult.

 

A reconciliation should not be this difficult.

 

Some relationships should not be saved.

 

It appears that your husband wants more than he is willing to give back.

[Sub]

I think Plumeria has outlined pretty clearly the difference between how her and her H's stories were handled. She had an A and covered it up with dishonesty. He, in her own words, was upfront about what he was doing. I don't think we need to further demonize the BH in this instance.

 

Plumeria, I really just think it takes time. The polygraph may help, but your H just needs time to build his trust in you again. Transparency going forward, and he may find peace. I think you're doing a lot of the right things, though.

[spanz1]

write is all down, the time line. and let him ask, as many times as he wants, about the story. even ten years from now. If your current story matches the written one a long time from now.....he will eventually believe it.