A cheater (myself) needs help in moving on

[Nicky09]

I broke up with my boyfriend of over two years last fall after repeatedly cheating on him over that summer. I felt so guilty about what I had done and couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened; instead, I just broke up with him abruptly. Fast forward a couple of months later, after virtually no contact, I gave him a call and told him the truth. Of course he was furious and hashed it out with me, but has since forgiven me. That was last winter; now here I am, half a year after my confession and almost a year since we've broken up, and I'm still thinking about this guy.

 

He's moved on and is dating again. I don't want to bother him, but I just feel this urge to repeatedly tell him I'm sorry. I don't think there's anything I can do to make things better between us (we do not communicate at all) but what can I do to feel okay with myself? He's forgiven me, but just thinking about all the pain, hurt and emotional scars I've left, I feel terrible about what I did and sometimes feel very low.

 

Does anyone know what I can do to stop feeling so guilty and move on? This self-loathing is hurting my emotional and physical health; I want to do something constructive with my feelings and release myself from this self-bashing.

[d'Arthez]

You need to forgive yourself. I know that sounds easy, but it is not.

It requires of you, that you understand why things happened as they happened. What made you do what you did, et cetera. And the final step you need to take, is that your past does not define your future. It is because we give a particular interpretation to the past, that we define our futures based on it.

Learn your lessons, and start moving on.

 

Forget about contacting your ex, it won't change a thing, and with your current mindset you will only feel guilty. Not what you need.

[HokeyReligions]

what d'Arthez said.

 

You have to let go of the past and learn from it. You, like all of us at times, made an error in judgement by cheating. BUT! You did do the right thing in breaking up with him and then giving him the closure he needed by telling him and allowing him to move on. So, you ended a negative with a positive. You have already paid the price by your hurt and your guilt. You have finished paying and now its time to focus on you and your future. Think about why you cheated and how you came to decide to cheat and when you go forward into new relationships you will recognize if you are not happy or satisfied with a relationship and can fix it or end it before you can be tempted to cheat again.

 

We all learn from our mistakes and while we keep the lesson, we let go of the guilt. It takes some work to do it, but it is doable. Hang out with friends, join clubs or groups, be active. There is nothing to be gained by hanging on to guilt -- the guilt has already served its purpose.

[westernxer]

Don't worry about his pain... he's dealing with it and is stronger than you think.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am just curious why you cheated on him. It sounded like you cared for him a great deal. Why did you wish to self-destruct the relationship in the first place?

[reservoirdog1]

Whatever you do, leave him out of it. The last thing he needs is to hear you say you're sorry over and over. That may feel good for you but it won't feel good for him. He doesn't need to be dragged back into your emotional orbit, especially since he's started dating somebody else. He needs to continue his life without you in it. Don't ask him to validate you or your life anymore -- that's not his job now.

 

Instead, concentrate on bettering yourself. Try to understand why you did what you did. Your goal should be to one day be able to look at yourself and say, "once, x years ago, I was a cheater. Since then, I've lived my life honourably and I've never cheated on anybody I've been in a relationship with. I learned from the hurt I caused, and I'm a different person now. And the person I am now will never do that again."