How many people do you meet/date between relationships?

[4x4storm]

So this isn't looking for advice per say but I think it's a interesting discussion. As I was sitting down with friends the other day they brought up the fact that I have met 5 different girls since I broke up with my ex (2 months ago). They questioned me why nothing has gone past the 1-2 date with these girls and brought up the fact that they only needed to talk to one girl and got a relationship out of it.

 

I shrugged it off and stated that you can't force something that's not there and i'm not gonna waste my time on one girl who's not giving me the equal attention. But as I was sitting at the bus stop and watching all the happy couples walk past me I thought to myself maybe there is something i'm doing wrong? My first thought was maybe i'm chasing the wrong type of girls give us your thoughts!

[Hermus]

It really depends on a lot of circumstances. Sometimes you meet the right one immediately. Other times you have to date a bit more. Between the previous one and the current one I had a series of five not too successful dates. However, there also have been times that I was with one girl for a short while and then the first one I dated after that also was successful. Success here is defined as either getting past the third date or getting physical. Not everyone you date is going to be your gf.

[elaine567]

After only 2 months you are probably in no place to date anyone, hence the girls never meet your expectations.

They do not do that as they are NOT your ex and you are maybe not getting their attention as you are not giving out your full attention either.

[Buddhist]

I've never been a fan of shopping for a partner the way you would some eggs and milk. I've never had to go looking, when the time is right he is always there, no matter wherever 'there' is and what i am doing. I've met every single partner just in the normal course of minding my own business and I've never had the experience of shifting through multiple people. The idea of that is rather irksome to me.

 

I'm one of those leave it up to the universe people, and trust that the right person for me at the time while turn up when I'm ready. It should be noted though that I am never one to care whether I am partnered or single and have spent extensive periods (years) single. But hey, I'm patient. Rather that than experience disappointment after disappointment in trying to date people who just aren't suitable. Which appears to be the major outcome of 'dating' if threads on LS are anything to go by.

[Gaeta]

It's because you've only been single 2 months and it's important to spend time alone after a break up.

 

Between my 1st relationship and my 2nd there is 1 year.

Between my 2nd relationship and my 3rd there is 10 years.

 

There are other things in life than to date.

[4x4storm]

I've never been a fan of shopping for a partner the way you would some eggs and milk. I've never had to go looking, when the time is right he is always there, no matter wherever 'there' is and what i am doing. I've met every single partner just in the normal course of minding my own business and I've never had the experience of shifting through multiple people. The idea of that is rather irksome to me.

 

I'm one of those leave it up to the universe people, and trust that the right person for me at the time while turn up when I'm ready. It should be noted though that I am never one to care whether I am partnered or single and have spent extensive periods (years) single. But hey, I'm patient. Rather that than experience disappointment after disappointment in trying to date people who just aren't suitable. Which appears to be the major outcome of 'dating' if threads on LS are anything to go by.

 

I think for me atm it's just easier to shop/use online dating I like to come home and curl up on couch and see who's online and is willing to talk.

 

It's because you've only been single 2 months and it's important to spend time alone after a break up.

 

Between my 1st relationship and my 2nd there is 1 year.

Between my 2nd relationship and my 3rd there is 10 years.

 

There are other things in life than to date.

 

Even though it may not count my past relationship only lasted 3-4 months and was very passionate. And it was the only girl i've been able to get along with tbh.

[central]

How many do I meet? As many as it takes to find someone who is a really compatible match. After leaving my ex, that was about 50 women. Most did not go beyond a first meet/date.

 

I suspect your friends are lazy and settling for anyone who comes along who will have them, and not really considering all the things that matter for long-term happiness.

 

Anyway, you should be in no rush this soon after a breakup. Do you understand why that happened, and is there anything useful you learned about yourself or relationships that you can apply to making better choices this next time?

[Hermus]

I've never been a fan of shopping for a partner the way you would some eggs and milk. I've never had to go looking, when the time is right he is always there, no matter wherever 'there' is and what i am doing. I've met every single partner just in the normal course of minding my own business and I've never had the experience of shifting through multiple people. The idea of that is rather irksome to me.

 

I'm one of those leave it up to the universe people, and trust that the right person for me at the time while turn up when I'm ready. It should be noted though that I am never one to care whether I am partnered or single and have spent extensive periods (years) single. But hey, I'm patient. Rather that than experience disappointment after disappointment in trying to date people who just aren't suitable. Which appears to be the major outcome of 'dating' if threads on LS are anything to go by.

 

Of course I don't know you, but I'm always skeptical about this kind of claims. You don't just magically end up in a relationship with someone. I think it much more likely that a lot of the checking people out, dating, courtship etc. that some people consciously do for you takes place on a subconscious level. For some people the skills that are needed are just automatisms that they don't really have to think about.

[Buddhist]

Of course I don't know you, but I'm always skeptical about this kind of claims. You don't just magically end up in a relationship with someone. I think it much more likely that a lot of the checking people out, dating, courtship etc. that some people consciously do for you takes place on a subconscious level. For some people the skills that are needed are just automatisms that they don't really have to think about.

 

I can understand your scepticism so I'll outline what typically happens. So here I am single and not really looking for anything and I have the 'event'. This is just a chance encounter with someone that I instantly recognise as attractive to me. It's usually only a few seconds long, we cross paths in the hall at work, I might see him in a shopping mall or on the street. It's worth noting that I have very low levels of attraction to people in general and can go years without seeing anyone who peaks my interest even a little. For me it's like living in a sea of faces I have no interest in them all of a sudden I see one and I'm interested. So that 'event' is always very significant to me because of the contrast it provides my life.

 

I'm aware this isn't how most people experience attraction though, I've always been mystified by other women who can walk into a room and pick out 2 or 3 faces they have varying levels of interest in. For me it's not like that. I'm either on or off, there are no shades of interest, no well I might do him if nothing better comes along. Never going to happen for me. I'm all in or not interested at all.

 

So during these events my mind takes the natural conclusion. Okay he's the one. There is also no in my mind, well I'd like to get to know him and see. It's not like that, if he's turned up, he's the one. I know it. I do not typically make any approach on this first encounter but my interest is obvious. It happens, I walk away with that knowing and let it go. I don't know when I will see him again but I trust that I will. Sure enough it may be weeks or even months later and this person will recirculate in my life. The second meeting is typically longer, we get to know each others names, something about us. Strike up a rapport.

 

Again I walk away. Now it usually happens that this person ends up in my life with increasing frequency, either because they are seeking me out or because of life's circumstances (we work together). It usually takes a very long time before the relationship is consummated though. First BF it was 2yrs from first meet to start a relationship, 2nd BF 4 months, 3rd BF 6 months, 4th BF 9 months. During that time we aren't dating we are just coming into contact with each other, getting familiar and getting to know each other through the normal course of our day.

 

When I'm ready and he's ready there is usually an offer of a first date, we go out, get physical, consummate and voila! Bf-GF situation. That's how it happens for me.

[zenguy]

There's no rule, though most of my in between relationship dates were never more than 1 offs or 2 offs. And there's usually a gap of time after a long relationship that I just don't date anyone. At the end of the day I want to find a relationship, so I usually don't waste time with a girl that I know is never going to lead to a relationship.

[juniorrocha]

Broke up with my ex, who was my first relationship, and during 1 month post-break up I dated about 8 girls. There were another 8 which I only kissed or had sex with. By date I mean going out with them, daily texting, and having sex. Then my ex came back for 5 days and broke up with me again.

 

Now it's been 4 days and I feel completely different this time. I have absolutely no intention of dating anyone, because I realized during that month that seeing randoms got me nowhere; it was just a waste of time. I was trying to fill the void with lots of girls but in the end of the day, the one I truly wanted wasn't there so it didn't matter. I didn't want any of them.

 

I have to say that out of these 16 girls, there was one especifically which I really enjoyed meeting. We have lots of common interests, there's no attachment and we often meet; we've become FWB. She lives very near too, takes a minute to get to her place, walking. I suppose I've went out with her like 7-8 times or something. We feel good with each other, conversations last hours and hours. I don't have any intention of pursuing a relationship with her though and I've made that very clear. She knows about my story with my ex too. Hoping we don't start having feelings; it feels great the way it is atm.

[BikerAccnt]

Since my breakup in March, I've met 3 women, all of them very nice, none of them made it to a "first date". I can honestly say, I think it was mutual in all 3 instances.

 

In the past, I've never really "dated" like this, I just kind of fell into relationships, and maybe that's the problem. And I'm still taking it slow, I've only messaged a few women, probably a handful at best.

 

 

I don't think there needs to be a set period of time before you move on. Sometimes the only way to move on is to move on.

 

 

Most of the people you meet won't end up being your GF any more than having most of the people you meet end up being friends.

[MissBee]

So this isn't looking for advice per say but I think it's a interesting discussion. As I was sitting down with friends the other day they brought up the fact that I have met 5 different girls since I broke up with my ex (2 months ago). They questioned me why nothing has gone past the 1-2 date with these girls and brought up the fact that they only needed to talk to one girl and got a relationship out of it.

 

I shrugged it off and stated that you can't force something that's not there and i'm not gonna waste my time on one girl who's not giving me the equal attention. But as I was sitting at the bus stop and watching all the happy couples walk past me I thought to myself maybe there is something i'm doing wrong? My first thought was maybe i'm chasing the wrong type of girls give us your thoughts!

 

Finding a relationship is something personal and depends on lots of factors.

 

I would marvel at friends/acquaintances who seemed to be able to jump from relationship to relationship almost instantly or an ex who in the span of a year found 3 or 4 gfs while I was still single. Upon closer inspection though, I realized that in majority of these cases it wasn't that they had found the perfect match, but they found someone, anyone, and would have rather been together than alone, mixed with the pull of rebounding and such. For many the quality wasn't there...but they made do.

 

For me, however, while I've definitely rebounded or dated around after a break up, that was it, it was more so casual or short-lived. I couldn't bring myself to form a serious relationship unless I felt particular factors were there and often times, it took some time and multiple people and wasn't immediate. This is normal. It's also better to actually heal and get over your breakup before diving into another serious relationship, as if you don't, you can often end up projecting a lot on to this new person or using them in ways that aren't really fair and aren't just about you and them but tied up with your ex and unresolved feelings. Go at your own pace! There is NO RULE for how long it should take to find a new serious gf. It's only been 2 months, and while there is no rule, unless you absolutely had no feelings for her, it's typical that it will take more than 8 weeks to be completely over it and to magically find a fitting relationship. Relationships shouldn't be random end goals just for the sake of it, but for some people they are. But if it's meaningful for you and something you're only doing when you find someone worth it, then it should take time.

Edited June 26, 2016 by MissBee

[tinkerbell16]

I can understand your scepticism so I'll outline what typically happens. So here I am single and not really looking for anything and I have the 'event'. This is just a chance encounter with someone that I instantly recognise as attractive to me. It's usually only a few seconds long, we cross paths in the hall at work, I might see him in a shopping mall or on the street. It's worth noting that I have very low levels of attraction to people in general and can go years without seeing anyone who peaks my interest even a little. For me it's like living in a sea of faces I have no interest in them all of a sudden I see one and I'm interested. So that 'event' is always very significant to me because of the contrast it provides my life.

 

I'm aware this isn't how most people experience attraction though, I've always been mystified by other women who can walk into a room and pick out 2 or 3 faces they have varying levels of interest in. For me it's not like that. I'm either on or off, there are no shades of interest, no well I might do him if nothing better comes along. Never going to happen for me. I'm all in or not interested at all.

 

So during these events my mind takes the natural conclusion. Okay he's the one. There is also no in my mind, well I'd like to get to know him and see. It's not like that, if he's turned up, he's the one. I know it. I do not typically make any approach on this first encounter but my interest is obvious. It happens, I walk away with that knowing and let it go. I don't know when I will see him again but I trust that I will. Sure enough it may be weeks or even months later and this person will recirculate in my life. The second meeting is typically longer, we get to know each others names, something about us. Strike up a rapport.

 

Again I walk away. Now it usually happens that this person ends up in my life with increasing frequency, either because they are seeking me out or because of life's circumstances (we work together). It usually takes a very long time before the relationship is consummated though. First BF it was 2yrs from first meet to start a relationship, 2nd BF 4 months, 3rd BF 6 months, 4th BF 9 months. During that time we aren't dating we are just coming into contact with each other, getting familiar and getting to know each other through the normal course of our day.

 

When I'm ready and he's ready there is usually an offer of a first date, we go out, get physical, consummate and voila! Bf-GF situation. That's how it happens for me.

 

Its exactly how I feel right now. Its beautiful, calming feeling. No pressure or feeling like I HAVE to be with someone.

It is kinda interesting to get stared at when I am out in public from attractive men but be like meh... I am good I know it's because the right one hasn't come my way yet and I have no desire to force it.

Edited June 26, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[JuneJulySeptember]

I typically have at least two, if not several more years between relationships, and between those periods, it's about as dry as desert storm.

 

However, doing OLD this time around did bring a little bit of action here and there.

[CarrieT]

I came to LS in July of 2008 to help get through the ending of the most toxic, drama-filled relationship of my life. At the time, I was 44 years old.

 

Four years later, in October of 2011, I chronicled meeting a guy I even hesitantly labeled Prince Charming.

 

I eventually married this guy, but in the 3 1/2 years in between, I *easily* dated and/or had sex with over 50 guys. And had online convos with several hundred.

[preraph]

The more mainstream and easy going a person is, they easier it is for them to find matches because the pool is larger.

 

For people with more specific tastes and interests who aren't for everyone, most of the population can seem unattractive, but that's why you have to find your niche. Your niche should have a smaller group of people more like you.

 

Dating is about taking someone out and seeing what they're like. A mistake widely being made today is people mistaking OLD for catalog shopping for the perfect pair.

 

When the right person is there and it's the right time for you to want to keep someone, it will stick. Until then, have fun and try not to break any hearts. Good luck.