Desperate OW struggling to leave

[Dizzylove326]

First off I want to say I am so grateful for finding this Forum. My recent decisions have landed myself in a disaster. This forum has helped me realize I am not alone and that others can relate to the pain I am feeling.

 

I am a married OW and yes I have children. I have been married nine years to a man who was verbally abusive, cold and manipulative for years. We tried individual therapy and a marriage therapy nothing seemed to work. I spent the last two years working towards financial independence, I went back in school to obtain a degree and even landed my dream job all to prepare to leave my marriage.

 

Six months ago just before I was ready to walk out I met a MM. We immediately connected and seem to have so much in common. He claims he feels trapped in a loveless marriage but can't leave because he has two little ones. After finding this site I realized how typical that is. But at the time it felt so comforting that someone understood how I felt in my marriage. We instantly found ourselves in a passionate heated fling.... Within weeks were were using the L word. He made me feel beautiful, sexy and desired. I have Intel that way in years. Actually he would push my limits which made me feel free and uninhibited.... Oh and things we get too uncomfortable he would get very frustrated with me and blame it on my insecurities. As I write this post I realize how controlling and dysfunctional my situation is.

 

At times he treated me like a queen. Like I was the only person in this world that mattered to him. The feeling I have when I am with him is intoxicating. I have never felt this way with anyone before. If I am terrified of never feeling it again. For some reason the good times completelycloud the times he is not respectful. He has always been a clear his situation will not change. He is never promised me anything in the future. So I respected him for his honesty. Many times he has said to me he does not want to hold me back from working on my marriage.

 

I feel like he has been trying to end it with me all of this time and for some reason I am too pathetic and weak to let go. What is wrong with me??? I am a strong person and every other area of my life. I have a great reputation amongst my family friends and peers. This behavior is so confusing to me. I truly feel like it is an addiction. But how do I stop? Completely cutting him off seems impossible. Really it's just a matter of deleting the app and I communicate with.

 

I feel like I love him deeply. Like I can't live without him. But logically I know the relationship would never work with him in real life. Why isn't that enough for me to leave?

 

My husband has discovered the affair. He has gone to individual counseling and is changed drastically. This time I believe he really has changed. But it is so hard for me to let my walls down with him. He is willing to stand by me. He has no idea it was more then just a fling. Why can't I love him the way I love MM? I have also agreed to go to individual counseling. But instead of actually going I go to meet MM. Ugh!!

 

I feel like the most pathetic human being and a terrible mother. My entire mood revolves around the attention I get From MM. The more moody he is the more insecure I get. Anytime I ask questions I pushed him away. I wouldn't be surprised if he seeing other people as well. No my post probably just seems like ranting.... Thank you for reading. I'm desperate for input on the situation. I have not been able to talk to anybody about it.

 

Where do you find the strength to leave? How long does it take to recover? Why do I feel like I'm dying Everytime I try to leave when I know it's for the best?

Edited June 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Shadowburn]

Welcome, Dizzylove. If you've been reading on this boards, you know your situation is not unique and is hopeless as you MM made it clear that's all it would ever be. You are the only one who has the power to change it, your MM will use you for as long as you let him.

 

Gather the strength to end this toxic nonsense, it is very damaging and will destroy your self-esteem. If you husband is willing to wok on your marriage, give him a chance. If if doesn't work, free yourself from unfulfilling marriage and move on to better things and better men. Your MM is obviously wasting your precious time and energy.

 

Best wishes xo

[13Hearts]

I think you should delete the app right away.

 

Then, I think you should try to remember what it was you were wishing for at the time you met MM.

 

I also think you should stop having sex with him so that you can get some real perspective and begin to see him for what and who he truly is.

[Dizzylove326]

Shadowburn.... You're absolutely right. My situation is the same trap

I have seen others fall into before and I know exactly how it ends. That's what's so frustrating ....my thinking is completely irrational. I know it yet I am in denial. Part of me wants to hear "Your situation is different, he really loves you". Thank you for your honesty. You're right.... It's very toxic. Your perspective reassures me my gut and head are right. Now I just need to convience my heart!

 

13 hearts I agree that the sex needs to stop immediately. I have noticed in the past when we weren't able to meet for a couple of weeks I could feel myself letting go and my perspective would change for the better. I am going to delete the app. I pray that I am strong enough to stay away from it and that he doesn't try to contact me in other ways.Do you suggest I should write him a letter to explain I need to move on? I feel so ridiculous. The last letter I wrote to him,pouring my heart out to him describing how much he means to me.... He never even opened. That was such a wake up call of how much I DONT matter to him.

[Dizzylove326]

Another question I have for those who have gone through this and were able to heal and move on. I have a strong desire to meet with him one more time before we say goodbye. I feel like that would help in the closure process. Has anyone had the same feelings or experience? Did it help? Or did it make things worse?

 

Thank you!!

[anika99]

You need to decide if you want to divorce or save your marriage. If you want to save it you will need to be honest with your husband. You should also be in IC to work through your own stuff.

 

 

As for leaving the MM, it will be painful but plenty of people have done and lived. Obviously you will not die. Truthfully you probably will not ever feel this again because those special highs you get from being with the MM are usually highs a person can only achieve from a relationship that is toxic and addictive. Losing that feeling may sound excruciatingly painful right now but by giving up the high you also get free of the misery, of the extreme lows and of the unhealthy hold this man has over you. Heroin addicts don't like giving up their high either but they want to be free of the misery of their addiction so they accept that they have to live life without their escape, their crutch. Once they stay away off the drug for a substantial amount of time they find they miss that high less and less. They decide that living a drama free life, free of addiction and extreme highs and lows, is actually pretty nice. But they had to accept going through the pain of withdrawl first. Same thing for you.

[Shadowburn]

Another question I have for those who have gone through this and were able to heal and move on. I have a strong desire to meet with him one more time before we say goodbye. I feel like that would help in the closure process. Has anyone had the same feelings or experience? Did it help? Or did it make things worse?

 

Thank you!!

 

Closure comes from within and he can't give it to you, but meeting with him "just one more time" will give him a chance to talk you out of ending it.

Do what's best for you - end it, grieve and move on. He is irrelevant to all of this. Ending is extremely painful but at least with time pain will subside. Staying in the affair, you will be hurting indefinitely.

[13Hearts]

Shadowburn.... You're absolutely right. My situation is the same trap

I have seen others fall into before and I know exactly how it ends. That's what's so frustrating ....my thinking is completely irrational. I know it yet I am in denial. Part of me wants to hear "Your situation is different, he really loves you". Thank you for your honesty. You're right.... It's very toxic. Your perspective reassures me my gut and head are right. Now I just need to convience my heart!

 

13 hearts I agree that the sex needs to stop immediately. I have noticed in the past when we weren't able to meet for a couple of weeks I could feel myself letting go and my perspective would change for the better. I am going to delete the app. I pray that I am strong enough to stay away from it and that he doesn't try to contact me in other ways.Do you suggest I should write him a letter to explain I need to move on? I feel so ridiculous. The last letter I wrote to him,pouring my heart out to him describing how much he means to me.... He never even opened. That was such a wake up call of how much I DONT matter to him.

 

Here you took the time to write down your feelings and he can't be bothered to read them. He does not love you, I don't care what he says.

 

So, no, I don't think you should write him another letter. When he stops hearing from you, he will know why. Then he'll move on to his next victim.

 

These phones with internet and all these apps are very addictive. I'm willing to bet your obsessive behavior is half infatuation with a guy who can give you nothing you want, and half addiction to the darn phone.

 

Be strong. Know what you want in life. Make a list and start going after those things.

[13Hearts]

Another question I have for those who have gone through this and were able to heal and move on. I have a strong desire to meet with him one more time before we say goodbye. I feel like that would help in the closure process. Has anyone had the same feelings or experience? Did it help? Or did it make things worse?

 

Thank you!!

 

I don't believe in closure in the way you describe. I am not sure what you think you are going to get from this guy by meeting with him once again. You are more likely to get what you got when you wrote the last letter. Nothing.

 

I think it's dangerous to meet with him again. I think you will be tempted to give it another go and fall for his lies. If you want to be strong, go where you will find strength. Away from him.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. Often pain of our own making can be even more damaging than the pain inflicted by others.

 

The thing which worried me most about your opening thread is your draw to abusive men. I think that you need that IC a lot more than you think. You're a mother. I'm sure that you're aware of the likelihood of your children following your patterns. Would you want your daughter in a manipulative, cruel relationship? Would you want your son treating women this way?

 

It sounds like dumping your MM is just the first step. You had a plan. A good, strong, independent plan that would build your selfesteem & give your kids a great role model. Go back to that.

This life will destroy your confidence & sense of self. Please leave. Just STOP! He doesn't deserve 'one last meeting' & it's not going to give you the elusive closure.

 

Best wishes.

[DKT3]

Another question I have for those who have gone through this and were able to heal and move on. I have a strong desire to meet with him one more time before we say goodbye. I feel like that would help in the closure process. Has anyone had the same feelings or experience? Did it help? Or did it make things worse?

 

Thank you!!

 

This is bargaining, looking to give him one more chance to change the situation.

 

You have your closure you are just hanging on for dear life hoping to extend by any means.

[Dizzylove326]

Thank you everyone..... Your words and advice have given me strength. I made the choice to send a quick goodbye message and deleted the app and blocked his number. I agree that I need to meet with an IC ASAP. I will schedule that Monday. The pain in excruciating, your encouragement and support is so comforting so thank you! I know one day this experience will make me stronger but WOW.... Right now it's hell!!

[loveisanaction]

This is bargaining, looking to give him one more chance to change the situation.

 

You have your closure you are just hanging on for dear life hoping to extend by any means.

 

Agreed! You want closure, you won't get it from seeing him one last time. Closure comes from within.

 

You said it in your post that your married man has told you that he doesn't want to hold you back from working on your marriage. He has pretty much given you permission to move on with your life and go work on your marriage with your husband.

[Shadowburn]

Thank you everyone..... Your words and advice have given me strength. I made the choice to send a quick goodbye message and deleted the app and blocked his number. I agree that I need to meet with an IC ASAP. I will schedule that Monday. The pain in excruciating, your encouragement and support is so comforting so thank you! I know one day this experience will make me stronger but WOW.... Right now it's hell!!

 

Good for you for ripping the bandaid off and being done with it.

Let it hurt, feel your feelings, ride the waves of emotions.

Come here when you're feeling weak, we'll talk you out of reaching out to him.

At times pain will feel unbearable, but keep telling yourself - it is a good pain, it is healing pain.

Proud of your strength! Keep going, don't look back, no man worth such misery xo

[Lovetoohard]

I am glad you have made the decision to seek out IC. A lot of affairs were initiated as a result of fulfilling some void in one's life. It's certainly not a healthy coping mechanism, but it's so easy to forget about boundaries and let someone unavailable in to experience fleeting moments of happiness to get away from a bad situation. The "love" that MM provide is not love in the true sense - it's not steady, deep, and unconditional love. It's a kind of dependency on each other where you both love the way you make each other feel. But the guilt, emotional unavailability, stress of juggling multiple women (esp. an OW with "growing demands"), conflict avoidance, poor communication skills, etc., all add to the already dysfunctional situation, which in my opinion, is kind of an emotionally abusive situation. It's really confusing to witness the Jekyll and Hyde behavior from a MM and it's the "he treated me like a queen and told me how in love with me he was" version that we cling onto.

 

It sounds like your affair was a wakeup call for your marriage and I am glad that you have made the decision to cut the affair off and focus on salvaging what you have with your H, who sounds like he is doing the work needed to get to a good place.

 

I wish you all the best in your healing and reconciliation journey.

Edited June 26, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Grey Cloud]

Another question I have for those who have gone through this and were able to heal and move on. I have a strong desire to meet with him one more time before we say goodbye. I feel like that would help in the closure process. Has anyone had the same feelings or experience? Did it help? Or did it make things worse?

 

Thank you!!

 

I did this. Met xMM for lunch "one last time" for closure before he started his new job as we used to work together. It didn't achieve a thing. We weren't physical but we just went around in circles knowing it had to end. He was stronger than me on the day which I also found difficult as I wanted to see him hurting and struggling as well. We said our goodbyes and everything seemed amicable. It didn't make going NC any easier, in fact it made it worse. We still emailed a bit after that so called closure and then I ended up getting angry, sending him an angry email and calling him out on a few things. We then went complete NC. That only lasted a month.

 

So as you can see that 'final farewell' didn't even become the final goodbye in the end. It's almost a stalling tactic. When you want it over there is nothing left to say.

 

The road ahead of you will be really difficult as you start to withdraw. I think I am slowly learning the hard way. If I had of remained complete NC with him I am sure my recovery/healing would have been quicker than this drawn out process of trying to remain "friends".

[Dizzylove326]

Grey cloud..... Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate when you say he was stronger than you that day...... You wanted to see him hurting and struggling. I guess that's what I want to see as well. I want to know this affected him the same way it affects me (even though I know it doesn't).

 

I pray that you continue to heal and stay strong. Your openness about your journey has helped me and I am sure so many others! Thank you!

[DKT3]

[]

 

In your perfect outcome what would you want? To be with the married man?

 

I ask because if the answer is [to be with MM] then there is no room in your life and heart for your husband. []

 

Don't allow fear to steal any more of your husbands life, giving him false hope, dragging him to the pain of false R. If you can commit then be honest and allow him to go, heal himself and prepare for a woman who can love him the way you love mm.

Edited June 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[whatever29]

Another question I have for those who have gone through this and were able to heal and move on. I have a strong desire to meet with him one more time before we say goodbye. I feel like that would help in the closure process. Has anyone had the same feelings or experience? Did it help? Or did it make things worse?

 

Thank you!!

 

No- I don't believe it would help bring closure and would only hurt you. Are you secretly thinking, if he would only see me again he would remember how much he loves me and I love him? Or hope that he too was in pain. I had those thoughts and was practically begging him to see me. Don't do it to yourself - you deserve more. I'm glad now that I hadn't seen my xMM in person for three months before I said enough. I hope I never see him again, because it would only hurt. Do not go near him...NC is the only way.

Edited July 10, 2016 by whatever29

[bathtub-row]

I think you did the right thing ending the affair. And it may be a good idea to work on your marriage, but your husband may have done too much damage. If you stay in your marriage, I hope you will remain cautiously optimistic as abusers rarely ever really change. They typically APPEAR to change until they've got you back in their clutches. Then the abuse starts back up, often worse than before. Now he has an affair to throw back in your face when he really wants to punish you. Be very careful with men like this. They're usually incapable of long-term change.

 

Whatever you do, don't do anything to jeapordize the job you have or anything else that spells your freedom. Your husband cannot be trusted.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting over the MM but those situations are only roads to hell. My xMM once told me that I was with him because he was safe. I think that's probably why you picked this MM situation also. He was safe and would never fully be in your life. This is a very typical choice after being with an abusive person.

[lilajane]

I'm pretty new to NC, only a couple weeks. I didn't say goodbye. I saw the light that my MM is just a player who preys on the insecure MW and just uses her for sex. The teens call these men f*@&boys. Reading about them has been eye opening. I don’t want to be a booty call anymore. No matter what he said, that's all I was. He said whatever he needed to so he could get sex. None of it was true or meaningful.