Doing the right thing for aging parents -- please comment!

[freebird]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I visited these boards, but I often come here when I need to write to someone, anyone. I have also given money to the website since I think this is a really good place of solace for a lot of us.

 

Anyway, here is my situaiton. I recently moved back home because my mother had open heart surgery last year. We almost lost her and I told myself, if she got thru the whole ordeal, I would never want anything for myself again. My mother means alot to me and I would be devestated if I had not moved home permanently to help her. When a surgeon tells you she MAY have 7-10 years, you MOVE home if your mother means anything to you.

 

I was living in another state and had a good job, great friends and a life of my own. I did miss my parents, and felt since I moved, I had somewhat lost touch with my mother. Then suddenly, she had open heart surgery and it just shook my world so I moved home.

 

I don't regret it, but sometimes, I feel she is so distant from me. Aging parents think differently, act differently and its hard sometimes to feel connected to them. I also have had to start my life over again so to speak because I have a new job and no friends except for a few old ones I have nothing in common with and most of all, I am starting to feel sad, lonely and depressed. Something I am not!

 

Any words of comfort or wisdom for me? Sometimes I feel so sad and lost despite my age and accomplishments, I just cry. I'm not a whiner, but I need some help here. Anyone else have this issue?

[westernxer]

You're sacrificing for the greater good, putting the needs of your aging parent ahead of your own. It's a thankless job, but one that speaks volumes about your character. You suffer because it isn't easy. But do you regret it?

[tiki]

Hey! I remember you! My H (at the time) had OHS and I remembered you by your screen name. I hope all went well with the surgery.

 

Do all you can and give all you can give. When she does pass, you live comfortably knowing that you gave 100% as she gave you as a child. Vent, bitch, yell and scream, but never give her up. When she goes, you'll feel better, knowing you gave your utmost.

 

Good luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. My grandmother raised me and was everything to me. In the end, she couldn't bathe herself. I gave her baths and helped take care of her feet etc. Luckily I didn't have to quit my job because she was living with my uncle but he couldn't of course bathe her. She would cry and say that I just didn't know how much that meant to her and how sorry she was that I had to do that. She was 94 when she died in April and I do not regret for one minute doing what I did for her. I wish she was still here so I could do it for her again.

 

That being said, PARENTS- please make sure that you plan for these kinds of things for your children's sake. Long term care insurance is the first place to start. Then, plan and pay for your funeral so your children do not have to, especially if there is not going to be any money left at the end to do so. That is one of the best presents you can give your children!!!

[JPMorgan]

I just read about someone else going through this stuff

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65328/

 

I guess it just boils down to doing what you have to do and finding balance. You don't have to stick to her like glue and she probably wouldn't want you to.

[freebird]

Thank you all!

 

Once again, I felt I could come here and seek the advice and solace I needed. I appreciate the time you took to write to me! Western, thanks for the compliment and NO, I do not regret it one bit. There are times, when I am so homesick for my old life so to speak, that it's just unbearable. But, yes, I think if we have had good parents, there is a time to sacrifice, just as they have for us all their lives.

 

Tiki: I remember you! Yes, how are you?! Is your husband okay? I think that is what you said. Yes, my mother is doing fine and she is really happy I am back with the dog. SHe loves the dog and seeing her smile is worth it at times. I was really worried she was not going to make it, but then they changed the lead in her pacemaker and she is almost the picture of health. SHe gets tired more easily but that is to be expected.

 

for the rest of you - thanks! Write me any time...it'd be nice to make a few friends even if we are only online.

Much respect,

Freebird

[tiki]

Originally posted by freebird

Tiki: I remember you! Yes, how are you?! Is your husband okay? I think that is what you said. Yes, my mother is doing fine and she is really happy I am back with the dog. SHe loves the dog and seeing her smile is worth it at times. I was really worried she was not going to make it, but then they changed the lead in her pacemaker and she is almost the picture of health. SHe gets tired more easily but that is to be expected.

 

My H was 27 at the time of his heart surgery (it was four days after our son was born). We divorced about a year and a half later. He's like 32 now. We still communicate a lot. He seems to be fine. I get our child checked out at the doctor every year or so, just to make sure there's no underlying congenital dysfunction.

 

After his surgery, he said he'd never go through it again though. His was minimally invasive even, had about a 5" scar on his right side of his chest (yes, the right - easier to access the mitral valve) and some other scarring from the heart/lung bypass. Atleast they didn't have to crack his sternum open. Sheesh....that's bad.

 

He was released for five years, which he's actually coming up on soon. He has a metal stint. I think he's good to go. I hope your mom is too.

 

It's good to see you back. Hang around for a while. There's some great people here that can offer you a lot of info.

 

Nice catching up with ya again.