Caught Husband Lying to me

[0503]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum so please forgive me if this is posted in the wrong section.

 

I recently caught my husband lying about something so minor it wasn't even worth it, and I can't seem to put this behind me.

 

Basically he had told me he was going to visit his grandmother and I'd spoken to him during this time and he'd said he was at his grandmothers and even started telling me details of his visit. It was all quite believable I'd had no reason to not believe him, however a friend mentioned in conversation later that day that she'd seen him a a van traders at the same time he'd told me he'd been at his grandmothers. When I confronted him that evening he continued to stick to his story of being at his grandmothers saying my friend must have been mistaken.

 

After a bit more questioning he admitted he'd gone to look at a new van and hadn't actually visited his grandmother, and hadn't told me as he thought I'd get mad (i can only assume it's because our financial situation isn't great that he thought I'd get mad?)

 

I feel this is such a minor thing for him to lie about and it's made me wonder if there have been any more lies previously. I don't care where he's been but the fact he'd lied. There are a lot of other underlying problems on his part too such as verbal aggression, poor communication, unwillingness to discuss any problems, unwillingness to attend counselling, narcissism. I also admit I'm not perfect but I've been trying to make changes to improve our marriage. I have no reason at all to think he's cheating on me or anything like that as he was actually seen where he admitted to being, but I feel this stupid little lie has been such a knock back now, and I'm struggling to see past it when taking our other problems into account too. I don't know what to do for the best

Edited June 26, 2016 by 0503

[elaine567]

There are a lot of other underlying problems on his part too such as verbal aggression, poor communication, unwillingness to discuss any problems, unwillingness to attend counselling, narcissism.

 

YOU have spent your life carefully covering up all his faults with a huge rug, but this lie refuses to stay under the rug, to tell the truth all the other issues he has, have used up all the room under the rug.

 

So you either change your mindset and effectively buy a bigger rug to cover up the lying too, and just carry on,

OR

you pull up that rug and address ALL those problems head on.

 

I suggest you do the latter.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm new to this forum so please forgive me if this is posted in the wrong section.

 

Unless you've decided to divorce him over this, you're in the wrong section.

 

Use the "Alert Us" button and ask the mods to move your post. You'll get more specific advice and feedback...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum so please forgive me if this is posted in the wrong section.

 

I recently caught my husband lying about something so minor it wasn't even worth it, and I can't seem to put this behind me.

 

Basically he had told me he was going to visit his grandmother and I'd spoken to him during this time and he'd said he was at his grandmothers and even started telling me details of his visit. It was all quite believable I'd had no reason to not believe him, however a friend mentioned in conversation later that day that she'd seen him a a van traders at the same time he'd told me he'd been at his grandmothers. When I confronted him that evening he continued to stick to his story of being at his grandmothers saying my friend must have been mistaken.

 

After a bit more questioning he admitted he'd gone to look at a new van and hadn't actually visited his grandmother, and hadn't told me as he thought I'd get mad (i can only assume it's because our financial situation isn't great that he thought I'd get mad?)

 

I feel this is such a minor thing for him to lie about and it's made me wonder if there have been any more lies previously. I don't care where he's been but the fact he'd lied. There are a lot of other underlying problems on his part too such as verbal aggression, poor communication, unwillingness to discuss any problems, unwillingness to attend counselling, narcissism. I also admit I'm not perfect but I've been trying to make changes to improve our marriage. I have no reason at all to think he's cheating on me or anything like that as he was actually seen where he admitted to being, but I feel this stupid little lie has been such a knock back now, and I'm struggling to see past it when taking our other problems into account too. I don't know what to do for the best

 

 

 

I think you should start a journal. It's one of the best tools available for filtering bullsh**.

[girljoe]

I’m so sorry you are in this difficult and confusing situation. You said he is unwilling to attend counseling, are you attending counseling? It seems like you could definitely use some help with this and good for you for working to improve your marriage.

 

Don’t be discouraged and keep working, but do try to put the lie in your rear view. From the things you said I feel like the two of you can make great strides just by learning to communicate openly and honestly. This is a hard thing to do because men and women communicate differently. Men generally don’t like to feel vulnerable so try to observe what makes him feel emotionally safe and use that to encourage him to talk. Hang in there, you can do this.

[pteromom]

If it was JUST this one lie, then I would assume he was telling the truth about his lie... meaning that he just didn't want to have the argument/discussion about going to see the van, and just decided to go see it on his own and gave a reasonable alibi.

 

BUT - since you are saying there are all these other problems too, it may be an indicator of a much bigger problem.

 

You should set up a counseling appointment. Invite him to go. Explain that if he doesn't, you will go on your own. Maybe he'll join you.

[Miss Clavel]

oh, hell no! i'd start snooping, like yesterday. start with the phone.

 

p.s. if there are no red flags on his cell phone, at the very least, he is making a pricey purchase, the van, without discussing it with you. most married couples discuss large purchases, together.

 

if you know you can't afford a van, then surely he must know or he's got some money somewhere that you don't know about??

 

my ex was left some money by his godmother. he spent it. i did not even know she left him any money and i never he knew he got the money. he just spent it on something for himself. without telling me.

 

 

what he did tell me was: "she's my godmother, not yours and it's my money.

 

flag.

[Satu]

His behaviour doesn't just call his honesty into question; for me it would also bring his sanity into question.

 

Such bizarre behaviour from a grown man...

[spanz1]

maybe he just lies a lot. not for any real reason, just does not tell the truth.

 

 

I would sit him down and ask WHY he lies. Tell him it is important to you that he be truthful, no matter what that truth is. That you are very forgiving and understanding, and if he has a choice to lie or tell the truth, that you want him to always choose telling the truth.

 

He might just snap out of it, like dropping a bad habit