yup I did it... slid into an affair

[overseas2004]

My ex came back into my life after a 20 year break which I initiated. I was the one to break his heart, although I always wished I had not since he was very decent, nice and generous person. So a few months ago he called me and wanted to see me ... to catch up. I didn't agree right away since he is married. h But he was very persistent to a point where he cajoled me into it, saying he just wanted to catch up, had thought of me often and would enjoy meeting up for lunch to hear what has gone on in the last twenty years.

 

Fast forward six months... he is still calling periodically and coming around about every two weeks. In November I found out I had an illness which took a long time to diagnose and was very scary. I was really frightened for my children since I am a widow and don't have a lot of family support. He was very there for me during the process. He checked on me frequently, visited me when I allowed him to and even took care of some things I couldn't because I was sick.

 

Just as way of background we are both middle aged. I have small children. He has a child that is about to go to college.

 

We have seen each other many times now. He has initiated almost all of it.

There has been nothing sexual between us, but he has flirted with me a few times and I guess I have too. Nothing over the top though. Most of the time we have been out to lunch or dinner but sometimes these meetings stretch out for many many hours. However as I said, its always just talking and some flirting.

 

He has not said anything about his wife or his marriage and I have not asked him. I don't tend to be the type of person to initiate conversations like that and I figure if he has something to tell me at some point he will. Right?

 

I know that many of you may say that I am bad for seeing him, maybe I am. I am not going to apologize though because if there is something wrong in his marriage, I didn't break it.

 

So I would like some advice. What does this sound like to many of you? What is he doing in my life? What does he want? If it is sex then why hasn't he initiated that process? I am confused....Am I going to find out at some point what the purpose of his continued visitation is?

[sandylee1]

He may not want it to look obvious if he is after sex and is building up a friendship again where you feel comfortable with him .... then boom! You slide into an affair.

 

I'd ask him why after 20 years did he decide to look you up at this point in his life and not before.

 

Could be that he stayed away because you were married and now sees a way back in. Perhaps you were always the love of his life and he never stopped loving you.

 

No one here can tell you what he wants .... you need to ask him.

 

At this point he has these meet ups with you that I'm sure his wife is unaware of.

 

I'd ask him if he'd be okay with his wife reconnecting with an Ex and has the kind of contact with the guy that he has with you.

 

Do you have any interest in him now? Would you welcome any advances from him?

[jen1447]

Sounds to me like he's looking for romance specifically. (He may not get that or have lost it from his wife, who knows.) Romance of course can lead to sex, but I don't think he's 'playing' you for sex. If he is, he's giving new meaning to the term "long game."

 

edit to add - it really seems like an elephant in the room to never talk about his wife or marriage. People don't hang around each other for hours at a time talking one-on-one without some romantic interest, so the wife topic seems like it would be addressed sooner rather than later.

Edited April 9, 2016 by jen1447

[overseas2004]

I asked him today about why he looked me up and he told me that he had wondered a lot about me over the years, had heard about me from various friends we had in common and just wanted to be back in touch. Not much of an answer huh.

 

As for his wife, he told me that he doesn't like talking bad about people when they aren't there so he really cant discuss it.

 

What now?

 

I just wanted you all to know that he is a very honest person. I never had any issues with him in our previous relationship and yes I am interested in him. Obviously though I may not get answers quickly.

[CarrieT]

As for his wife, he told me that he doesn't like talking bad about people when they aren't there so he really cant discuss it.

 

What now?

 

I just wanted you all to know that he is a very honest person.

If he is so honest, why not ask to meet his wife and bring all this out into the open?

[overseas2004]

Maybe Carrie because I don't want to meet his wife. I absolutely have not interest in meeting the lady at all.

 

Also, I have known him for a long time and I do have a certain amount of respect and trust in him. I am not here to be bashed about being the OW, which by the way I am not since I am not currently having an affair.

 

Lets not forget that the man has not done anything concrete that would set me off like that.

[jen1447]

I asked him today about why he looked me up and he told me that he had wondered a lot about me over the years, had heard about me from various friends we had in common and just wanted to be back in touch. Not much of an answer huh.

 

As for his wife, he told me that he doesn't like talking bad about people when they aren't there so he really cant discuss it.

 

What now?

 

I just wanted you all to know that he is a very honest person. I never had any issues with him in our previous relationship and yes I am interested in him. Obviously though I may not get answers quickly.

 

I'd say if you're interested in friendship, no need to change anything. And if you're interested in more, I think it's pretty inevitable that's coming too. It'll be up to you to decide if you really want to take that step when the time comes is all. (But if you decide to take a pass on 'more,' don't be too surprised if the friendship goes with it too.)

[overseas2004]

I suspect you are right Jen. I would be ok with both scenarios (friendship or more) to be honest although I do feel an attraction for him and would prefer if something came of this. Part of my reticence to ask so many questions has been because whatever this is, I want it to be easy for him. I have no interest in challenging him, forcing his hand, being confrontational as some people have suggested to me.

 

As I have said in the earlier reply to my posts, he is not a liar or a player, I have known him long enough to know this and his current behavior actually verifies that he has continued to be an honest person who isn't a player.

 

Besides, I have found that with people, they talk when they are ready to talk about their feelings or problems.

[CarrieT]

OP, you are all over the place. For starters....

Also, I have known him for a long time and I do have a certain amount of respect and trust in him.

You trust him, but do you know if his wife knows about you?

 

I am not here to be bashed about being the OW, which by the way I am not since I am not currently having an affair.

I am not bashing you. I am asking questions. The fact that you take umbrage at this means - I believe - you know what you are doing is wrong.

 

You may not be an OW now, but you are in fact, hoping to be one as you said:

I would be ok with both scenarios (friendship or more) to be honest although I do feel an attraction for him and would prefer if something came of this.

 

 

So the real question is, "Why do you want to potentially destroy his marriage?"

[jen1447]

I suspect you are right Jen. I would be ok with both scenarios (friendship or more) to be honest although I do feel an attraction for him and would prefer if something came of this. Part of my reticence to ask so many questions has been because whatever this is, I want it to be easy for him. I have no interest in challenging him, forcing his hand, being confrontational as some people have suggested to me.

 

As I have said in the earlier reply to my posts, he is not a liar or a player, I have known him long enough to know this and his current behavior actually verifies that he has continued to be an honest person who isn't a player.

 

Besides, I have found that with people, they talk when they are ready to talk about their feelings or problems.

 

Not trying to goad you here but how would you feel about being an OW? That's actually an important question bc you might find yourself sliding into the role as things go on, no so much deciding to be one, just ending up that way. Feelings also sneak up on you so it won't likely be any easy matter of just detaching if you catch them and things go sideways.

 

Don't want to be a worry monger but it's better to be forewarned.

[overseas2004]

No I don't think I would slip into an affair. If his intentions were to have an affair I would walk away. I have a very strong character and would not be very successful at being anyone's second woman.

 

Besides that I have been alone for almost seven years because of the fact that I have been burned one too many times by men. My past sufferings have taught me how to identify the losers. I have turned countless numbers of men away in the last seven years. So there is this wall I have and I only peek around it occasionally to see whether someone is worthy of being loved or not.

 

Honestly I just want to give him a chance to tell me what is going on. For all we know his marriage maybe over or maybe he intends to end it. That is when I would be interested in getting involved (once it is ended) and just want a chance to see if that is the case.

 

I have been waiting for him all these months to slip up. To make a pass at me or to talk bad about his wife, or do something that would turn me off. Instead he has been a good friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone that could be relied upon. I don't want to mess that up.

 

Yeah its true that his wife might not know he is with me, but I am not going to judge him alone on those facts harshly until I hear the rest of the story. And I am not going to confront him or milk it out of him either.

 

 

It maybe far fetched... but what if there is something that is possible here that is genuine? isn't it worth giving a chance to?

[Methodical]

So the real question is, "Why do you want to potentially destroy his marriage?"

 

This isn't directed at you, Carrie, but I'd like to weigh in on your question.

 

Many ppl are quick to place blame on the OM/OW for affairs and failed marriages when, in fact, it is the responsibility of the Spouse to not cheat. Yeah, the OM/OW may know their position as an affair partner, tho there are situations where OM/OW have know idea that their SO's are married. We don't blame them in such cases bc they aren't willing participant in a third party situation. The OP does know he is married, but it still isn't her responsibility to keep him on the straight, monogamous path.

Edited April 10, 2016 by Methodical

[overseas2004]

I couldn't agree more with the above statement.

 

If his marriage has imploded, it did so before he looked me up after 20 years and came to my doorstep, not because he came.

[jen1447]

It maybe far fetched... but what if there is something that is possible here that is genuine? isn't it worth giving a chance to?

 

I suppose so, of you're content to play the waiting game. What if there's no end in sight with that tho?

[overseas2004]

I would probably get bored eventually and leave.

[Readandwrite]

I asked him today about why he looked me up and he told me that he had wondered a lot about me over the years, had heard about me from various friends we had in common and just wanted to be back in touch. Not much of an answer huh.

 

As for his wife, he told me that he doesn't like talking bad about people when they aren't there so he really cant discuss it.

 

What now?

 

I just wanted you all to know that he is a very honest person. I never had any issues with him in our previous relationship and yes I am interested in him. Obviously though I may not get answers quickly.

 

 

I'd see if she knows and see about meeting her.

[Geminix004]

This could have been your marriage don't do it to others.

[overseas2004]

I will try to keep the background section short. An old boyfriend of mine called me out of the blue and asked to see me. HE was someone I really loved in the past but had left because I couldn't tell if he was serious about me. We were very young when we first dated. Fast forward 20 years, after that first lunch he kept calling and asking to see me and now we have been seeing each other for 9 months. I found out early on that he was married. He hasn't said anything to me until now about why we are seeing each other.

 

Last week he came over and after a few drinks he finally opened up. He told me that he never forgot me and that he always wanted to see me again and that he really enjoys spending time with me and cares for me deeply. HE also said that because he has to stay until his daughter goes to school he cant offer me anything at this very moment. He went on to say that he didn't initiate anything physical for that reason and was very fearful of me loosing respect for him if he tried to have sex with me. And finally said he would be free in 2 years when she goes to college. He wants to keep seeing me though.

 

Its very flattering that he didn't initiate sex and that he cared about the way that I viewed him. However I am but of flesh and blood and 2 years is a long time. I don't think its a very realistic plan on his part. (please don't take this the wrong way, the last sentence doesn't mean I think we should have sex, I just think its unrealistic to have a platonic relationship with him. I actually think we should stop seeing each other.

 

Unfortunately of course the dilemma is that I do really like him. We get along very well and have similar views in life. Being with him is easy and he provides a lot of emotional support through what has been a hard time in my life.

 

Yes of course it was bad judgement for me to see a married man frequently. And although there is no excuse ---I have also been sick lately and it was a vulnerable time for me. I am a single mom and got diagnosed with a potentially life threatening disease when this all started with him. Of course he was there for me when I got sick. I am pretty sure I will get a heap of posters scolding me for dating a married man or having an emotional affair. However I wasn't thinking about the long term ramifications of all of this at the time (not too much anyway). I was worried about surviving for my daughter. I honestly didn't start thinking through any of this until I got better health wise.

 

So I would appreciate it if I don't get any of the hawkish judgmental posts. Thanks in advance if this is possible.

[13Hearts]

He's lying to you. A man who wants out gets out.

 

He's dangling a carrot in front of you and every word out of his mouth is designed to get you to bite. And every action afterward is designed to get you to hold on for dear life.

 

Dump him and tell him when he's divorced, to come look you up. Because with this arrangement, you will always play second fiddle.

[minimariah]

well... you have 2 options - you can give this a go & wait for two years. look out for the small signs... doesn't need to be anything big really -- if he starts creating some kind of exit plan, does counseling to prepare for the fallout + cleans up his finances, gets everything in order and has a plan for the future for the two of you, has an idea where he'll live... IF he does all of this over those two years - i think you can hope for something. you probably won't stop at the EA, i think that's unrealistic. he was pretty straightforward with you though - it's up to you to figure out if he is worth it.

 

and of course - the 2nd option... something i'd recommend, don't stop your life or put something on hold for him. tell him to call you in 2 years and if you'll be available - you can date. i'd advise you to see other people and do your own thing in the meantime, IF you're going to wait for him. in general... two years is a long time and waiting for him to divorce just... doesn't seem very rewarding... especially if he doesn't divorce after all.

[Oran]

Hi Overseas 2014, I have just gone NC from an A with a MM that lasted 3 years. During that time I have worked and travelled abroad and reestablished my life several times, always thinking 'in the future I will be with him'. I have wasted opportunities. We finally moved in together 4 months ago, and, he has decided to reconcile with his wife. Your life is precious, your time is precious, don't waste it waiting for someone who is willing to have you wait in a prison for him while he is free.

[Lobe]

I'm a BS. If you're looking for permission, it won't come from anywhere but your own fantasyland. As much as I'd like to put you on trial and charge you with being the nasty OW, I'm not really that superficial. My bigger concern is the havoc you're likely to invite into your MM's life, his BS's life, his kids life, and most importantly your own self-esteem, self-worth, and sanity. I'm not going to try and change your mind, but I think you need to have some defensive mechanisms in place. If you didn't want scathing "hawkish and judgmental replies" you probably came to the wrong place. Maybe you want them without knowing you want them? Regardless. I'm not going to skewer you by calling you names or telling what you're doing wrong, but I am probably going to rain on your fantasy parade a bit with a reality check.

 

You would not be posting here if you didn't question your own judgment.

 

If my WH had said to me, "I'm not in love with you anymore, I've changed, and I want to be a yogi vegan Leo," I would have been sad and angry but at least it would have been true and not months of lies and deception that have ultimately ruined my self-esteem, confidence, and sense of worth as a human being. We know WH's affair was about convenience, because when he entered an affair if it was about exiting the marriage, he would have left me if he was serious about her. But it was about selfishness.

 

I won't go into details but suffice it to say, I would hazard a guess his xOW would say, "Unfortunately of course the dilemma is that I do really like him. We get along very well and have similar views in life. Being with him is easy and he provides a lot of emotional support through what has been a hard time in my life." Ignore the 20 years of being friends, the 12 years of marriage, 3 kids, 8 family deaths (including 2 suicides), and that we both love "The Princess Bride" - the fact that him and his xOW loved "Bjork" and felt misunderstood in junior high was enough to write that off. In your case, a kid almost in college and who knows what other commonalities that have been erased and substituted with how into each other you are.

 

You say that it's flattering he didn't want to have sex with you, but this sounds like him trying to set you up to be the dishonourable one. "I am so into you I'd probably break my vows," is not romantic. It's sad and pathetic, a transference of accountability, a call for you to make the first move so he can say to his wife if he's busted, "She seduced me." If this was your own or your MM's child or sister, would you or he encourage this type of behaviour? If you asked to meet his wife, would he introduce you if nothing "wrong" was going on? Really, we already know the answers to these questions, so they're rhetorical at best. Like 13Hearts said, I imagine he's lying to you about his intentions to appear honourable when in fact he's buttering you up. For sex. And ego kibbles. That is all. Not skewering, just raining.

 

You can pursue the affair, and for the record emotional betrayal hurts as much or more than PA - but consider this a heads up that, as another LS poster put it, you're a train going 100 miles an hour down a 20 mile track. How slo-mo you make the outcome is up to you. Read the OW and BS threads, and see first hand, in living colour, a better-than-tarot prediction. You don't really want to wait a couple of years. You don't have to. Studies have proven that children fare better in happy divorces than unhappy marriages - make an ultimatum that doesn't include waiting 2 or more years.

 

Keep your guard up, be vigilant, be careful you aren't a victim.

[dubliner]

He's already breaking his M vows by entering into an EA with an ex, how is that honouring his wife?

I can understand your feelings, this was me 7 years ago, and if I could go back and give myself one piece of advice it would be to keep walking.

2 years is a very small part of your life, but it's a long time if you're waiting, even longer if you're waiting for something that's never going to happen.

My CM also said he didn't want to have sex, he also said he didn't want me to be the OW, to be hurt. It was his way of pretending that an EA wasn't a real A, that he wasn't doing anything wrong and I suspect that if I had initiated sex at any point that he would have jumped at it because as Lobe wrote, he could defer responsibility, he would be seduced. That's not to say he didn't ramp things up to a sexual level, push the boundaries or provide opportunities.

 

CM even asked me to wait for him while he sorted things out to separate, that began 5 years of giving a myriad of excuses while he continued in his unhappy life, 'sorting out' a way to separate amicably.

The emotional roller coaster of an A is soul destroying, it takes you the darkest places of your own mind, it has the ability to consume you, you don't want to hang on but you can't let go because maybe...maybe yours will end differently.

 

But..YOU cannot change the outcome, if he wants to D he will, with or without you present.

If I could go back I would have told CM to go away and deal with his R with the knowledge that I'd be willing to date him once he was single, then got on with my life. Maybe he would still be where he is, but I'm 100% convinced I'd have been in a better place.

[loveisanaction]

He's lived without you for 20 years i'm sure 2 more will be a walk in the park for him.

 

If he is really planning on being with you after his daughter goes off to college what about his wife? He's keeping his wife in the dark and making plans for his future so that he can be with his *true love* but what about hers? Does she not get to make plans about her future?

 

Please do not be flattered that a married man is making advances towards you. The fact that he hasn't initiated sex means nothing. Every time he is with you he is lying and cheating on his wife.

 

There was a story i read about a single guy who fell in love with his married co-worker, he never made a move on her. He kept her as a friend and would post about how much in agony he was that he couldn't be with her. The girl finally left that job because her husband got transferred. The OP made a post 2 years later saying that not a day goes by that she's never crossed his mind but that he knew he did the right thing by not having an affair with her and disrupting her world.

 

Love is in giving....not in taking...Too many people forget that.

[privategal]

I get so afraid and sad, even scared for the poster when I can already see your outcome.

A dday likely will come depending on how good of a liar he is so theres that nightmare to anticipate.

 

Im sure it IS so flattering feeling like he came back for the one who got away, thought of you, missed you all those years and could not help himself to come for you, maybe he loves you more, maybe the unimplied your filling in unknowingly is he wished he had picked you to be with all along rather than his wife. Thats really just his boredom so he knowingly sought out some gray friendship excitement on the side.

Daily hes pushing the boundaries.

Your both thinking of the other non stop but justifying it as friendship.

Compartmentalizing.

Your hormones that peak when he reaches for you mimic love.

 

He is getting through in his boring marriage where the sex isnt as exciting and marital responsibility isnt fun by having you as a crutch. Its fantasy and an escape. He feels alive in this fantasy.

So he keeps plugging away with his life, home, and marriage, with excitement on the side and ego strokes galore, his life is more tolerable. He is an escape artist.

 

His letter will come at some point inside these next few years. It will read along the lines of, I cant leave my wife, shes sick, needs me, our finances are bad, she could lose our childrens home, elderly parents are dying and nedd us....something, anything along those lines when the time comes to leave as he promised.

He will see the reality of losing job, familys respect, long time friends, the whole familywill disown him for leaving the mother of his children to be with an ow ...when the rubber hits the road he will see reality isnt matching with his fanrasy. He will also have considerations for alimony and splitting 401K pension. Men value finances.

All those factors added together plus it takes approx 2-3 years for oxytocin levels from a new affair/ honeymoon phase to equalize and level out....so this falls right at the timeline he would be supposed to be leaving....your EA will be just out of the honeymoon phase.

 

Theres going to be a dday or a breakup is the short answer.

I am positive and you will hurt more than you ever hurt in your whole life.

 

I take this last 9 months as a fun memory and Id run fast and far while your sanity and dignity are still hopefully in tact. It isnt going to work out.