yup I did it... slid into an affair

[loveisanaction]

He's lived without you for 20 years i'm sure 2 more will be a walk in the park for him.

 

If he is really planning on being with you after his daughter goes off to college what about his wife? He's keeping his wife in the dark and making plans for his future so that he can be with his *true love* but what about hers? Does she not get to make plans about her future?

 

Please do not be flattered that a married man is making advances towards you. The fact that he hasn't initiated sex means nothing. Every time he is with you he is lying and cheating on his wife.

 

There was a story i read about a single guy who fell in love with his married co-worker, he never made a move on her. He kept her as a friend and would post about how much in agony he was that he couldn't be with her. The girl finally left that job because her husband got transferred. The OP made a post 2 years later saying that not a day goes by that she's never crossed his mind but that he knew he did the right thing by not having an affair with her and disrupting her world.

 

Love is in giving....not in taking...Too many people forget that.

[privategal]

I get so afraid and sad, even scared for the poster when I can already see your outcome.

A dday likely will come depending on how good of a liar he is so theres that nightmare to anticipate.

 

Im sure it IS so flattering feeling like he came back for the one who got away, thought of you, missed you all those years and could not help himself to come for you, maybe he loves you more, maybe the unimplied your filling in unknowingly is he wished he had picked you to be with all along rather than his wife. Thats really just his boredom so he knowingly sought out some gray friendship excitement on the side.

Daily hes pushing the boundaries.

Your both thinking of the other non stop but justifying it as friendship.

Compartmentalizing.

Your hormones that peak when he reaches for you mimic love.

 

He is getting through in his boring marriage where the sex isnt as exciting and marital responsibility isnt fun by having you as a crutch. Its fantasy and an escape. He feels alive in this fantasy.

So he keeps plugging away with his life, home, and marriage, with excitement on the side and ego strokes galore, his life is more tolerable. He is an escape artist.

 

His letter will come at some point inside these next few years. It will read along the lines of, I cant leave my wife, shes sick, needs me, our finances are bad, she could lose our childrens home, elderly parents are dying and nedd us....something, anything along those lines when the time comes to leave as he promised.

He will see the reality of losing job, familys respect, long time friends, the whole familywill disown him for leaving the mother of his children to be with an ow ...when the rubber hits the road he will see reality isnt matching with his fanrasy. He will also have considerations for alimony and splitting 401K pension. Men value finances.

All those factors added together plus it takes approx 2-3 years for oxytocin levels from a new affair/ honeymoon phase to equalize and level out....so this falls right at the timeline he would be supposed to be leaving....your EA will be just out of the honeymoon phase.

 

Theres going to be a dday or a breakup is the short answer.

I am positive and you will hurt more than you ever hurt in your whole life.

 

I take this last 9 months as a fun memory and Id run fast and far while your sanity and dignity are still hopefully in tact. It isnt going to work out.

[overseas2004]

The theory that he wants to goad me into sex is an interesting one. Perhaps this is true and I am grateful for the term you gave me "emotional kibbles". He spends a lot of time trying to find out what I think about him.

 

Of course, I also do not doubt that they have a lot more experiences they have shared than I have with him. I only stated that I had a dilemma, that I am finding it very hard to walk away even though I know I should. Not that I would have more or less in common.

 

What makes this hard to walk away from is that we too share a history. It was a history in which I broke up with him over a misunderstanding. He was very hurt by the fact that I left. But he did not express the regret until it was too late (long story).

 

i know that he has been going to places where he expected to see me for many years, people have told me that he has been asking about me over the last few years. I avoided it for a long time, but when he called directly I agreed to see him. And now I am stuck with all these emotions I don't know where to stuff them or how to stuff them.

[Lobe]

The only reason I mention the shared experiences is because as much as they feel like all the things you have in common, they don't include the ways you are different. In the building of fantasyland, APs will magnify and multiply the good qualities of the object of their limerence, while minimizing and omitting the bad one (including the fact he's married and trying to get into his old flame's panties.). The converse applies to the BSs, who are demonized and dehumanized, all their once-desirable qualities pushed aside or rewritten in order to justify the affair. You're setting yourself up to fall into the "fate made us do it - we were powerless..." trap.

 

I get pissed every time I read about some man making himself seem "noble" by claiming he has to wait for the kids to be older. Bullsh*t. It buys him time to string you along without having to mahd a decision. How selfish of him to ask you to wait in the wings for 2 years, providing him with emotional support and admiration and sexual tension while you put everything on hold just in case he decides to leave her when his kid moves out.

 

And can I just say that there's something very gritty in the backstory - has it crossed your mind that part of the heightened attraction for him is setting the record straight? You dumped him and now he gets to fix that black mark on his record. Not saying this is a primary motivating factor but settling the score will make the ego kibble extra potent for him. "There's nothing more irrisistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him." So said the Baroness when Maria fell in love with Captain von Trapp.

 

I've read a lot of OW saying being the mistress is isolating. The very thing that makes it exciting makes it impossible to feel fulfilled. You won't be going on double dates or spending the holidays together. You will be in second place, his dirty little secret, and once you've fallen completely you will start to believe it is enough, until it isn't and you're surveying the aftermath and wondering his the heck you gut there. Ultimately I think you're going to continue the EA for some time still, and I'm hoping that you're going to take precautions to protect yourself from getting swept up in it so much you stop living. Make sure you have a life that involves real life interaction and frequent outings. A lot can happen in two years but not if you're sitting at home waiting like a caged rat for the gratifying "ding ding" of a text from him, even if it's to cancel your date because he has to go do s thing with his wife.

[SoleMate]

"I am so into you I'd probably break my vows," is not romantic. It's sad and pathetic, a transference of accountability, a call for you to make the first move so he can say to his wife if he's busted, "She seduced me."

Agree totally. OP, this thread could easily turn into just one more reality show about how a textbook OW/MM A starts (and then eventually implodes) and I don't want you to be just one more who falls prey to the oldest con in the book.

[dubliner]

The theory that he wants to goad me into sex is an interesting one. Perhaps this is true and I am grateful for the term you gave me "emotional kibbles". He spends a lot of time trying to find out what I think about him.

 

 

I avoided it for a long time, but when he called directly I agreed to see him. And now I am stuck with all these emotions I don't know where to stuff them or how to stuff them.

 

Those emotions will not get any easier with continued contact, in fact they will grow, and you will battle with yourself over them. Do you have a close friend to talk to or better still a counsellor? Verbalising these feelings will help you.

 

What makes this hard to walk away from is that we too share a history. It was a history in which I broke up with him over a misunderstanding. He was very hurt by the fact that I left. But he did not express the regret until it was too late (long story).

 

i know that he has been going to places where he expected to see me for many years, people have told me that he has been asking about me over the last few years. .

 

That shared history is great at the beginning, it's a way to connect and feel safe, reliving all the highs with rose tinted nostalgia, analysing the lows with an extra 20 years of life experience.

Then the 'what ifs' creep in, what if we'd never had that fight, what if we'd stayed together... A whole fantasy parallel life develops, one that burns at your heart because it's not a movie you're watching with the guaranteed happy ending, it's real life where every day you have a choice of paths and every day you make choices that effect the rest of your life.

You can't change the past, very much like your situation, it breaks my heart to hear how CM always hoped we'd see each other again and how the highlights of my life relayed to him by friends burnt him, but that's the past, it was choices we made.

You don't owe him for that, he doesn't get to cash in the chips of his broken heart, guilt you into being soft on him.

You might think you'd be throwing it all away a second time if you don't hang on, but in reality you're not getting that second chance until he is D... right now he's just a deceitful MM patching his life with a memory from simpler times and planning a 'future' with someone who isn't his W, would you honestly accept that from anyone else?

[elaine567]

MM unhappy in marriage seeks excitement, fling, extra sex, exit affair...

 

Where does he start looking?

Bars, clubs, sport events, hobbies, work etc. But those are difficult places to chat up women and he is out of practice and older too AND married...

So he decides to take the easier route and that is to start looking up old gfs and acquaintances in the hope he can find one who will take on a MM.

 

Enter you, single mother, vulnerable, sick, in need of emotional support, with a past history of being besotted with him - perfect.

[anika99]

Elaine makes a good point. Every single one of my exes has contacted me two or more years after our relationship ended to see if I would be interested in getting back together with them. Every single one.

 

The first time or two that happened it really stroked my ego. Made me think I must be really special and impossible to get over...lol. Now that I'm older I realize that trying to restart things with an ex is a really common thing for people to do, especially men. Usually for the very reasons Elaine mentioned. It's easier to look up someone from the past then it is to spruce yourself up and hook someone new, especially if you're already married. Another component to this may be that you rejected him many years ago. While one would think someone should be rather indifferent if not cold to the one who rejected them, it's actually pretty common for the rejected person to sort of put the rejector on a pedestal and pine for them.

 

Right now your MM is concerned that you may lose respect for him but if you agree to to be his secret emotional affair for the next two years the tables will turn and it will be he who loses respect for you. A lot can happen in 2 yrs. He may reconnect with his wife in that time, there may be a crisis that makes it impossible for him to leave, or he might just grow tired of you in two yrs, realizing that you are just a normal human, not the fantasy he's turned you into. How will you feel if you agree to wait for 2yrs and then he doesn't leave? Really picture that scenario and be honest. Don't say oh I'll just easily walk away simply because you feel like you could easily walk away right now. It will be way different in two years time. Not only because your feelings will be different but also after 2yrs of being his hidden secret you will be damaged. Your self esteem will be diminished, your feelings of isolation, jealousy, and mistrust will be heightened and you will just generally not be the same person. You will think all those things will be worth it once your MM leaves and you get your prize for your sacrifices so imagine how you will feel when you realize he ain't leaving and there is no prize. You will be devasted and likely end up in therapy, an older middle aged woman crying her eyes out over a married man.

 

If there is any hope for a future with this mm then the only sensible thing to do is end this and let him look you up again in a couple of years. I mean if he can look you up after twenty years like he did what's the big deal about waiting two more years? Actually if the MM knows he plans to leave in 2 yrs it makes me wonder why he didn't just wait that much longer before he called you up. I suspect he was going through a marital rough patch and so he figured he'd get you set up as his soft landing should he decide to leave but a decent man doesn't leave a marriage that way.

[thecharade]

I am a little bit older and a very observant* person, so I have seen a lot. Let me explain how many men think and feel, based on repeatedly viewing this pattern over many years.

 

Men are often not very in touch with their feelings. They have feelings that they cannot name or solve. Many men are also conflict avoidant, so they squash and deny feelings that they do not understand or even want to feel, especially if these feelings are unpleasant. They know their wives will be upset which they do not want any part of. As it seems your old boyfriend is in a long-term M, this seems to be his situation (as opposed to a serial cheat from day one).

 

The reality is most likely that he was having unhappy feelings that he felt completely uncomfortable acknowledging or sharing with his wife. What is a person to do then? Find a distraction. That is when he reached back in time to a happy memory and contacted you. I do not think that he is intentionally lying to you or manipulating you, BUT he is definitely wanting you as a bandaid in his life. Change his life? Why would he want to do that, especially when he likes who he is and what he has and how he is viewed in the world. Men value their role in their families and their lives much more than they value romance, from all I have seen. This romance with you is a fun, ego inflating boost for a guy going through some icky feelings that he does not know how to handle.

 

I am telling you this to make you see you are going to get hurt. You just are. I believe you are thinking as I did. "Why would he risk his M if what we have together isn't worth it?" That is a naive and incorrect belief that inexperienced women often entertain. The answer? Because he is only thinking of himself and his pain. He really doesn't think he is risking his marriage because in his mind, nobody is ever going to find out about you. He is hurting for some reason and needs a bandaid, but he plans on being very careful so that nobody will ever know. Boredom? Mid-life blah? Sexually starved? Lonely? Loss of self-esteem? Who knows, but he is using you. And he doesn't care. He believes that you are ok with it because you are participating. He does not have any care that you see it completely differently, that you figure he has already emotionally and mentally left his marriage, all that is missing is the paperwork. He is allowing you to jump to that conclusion for his own selfish reasons. He planted that belief. So that he can have what HE wants. A distraction from his pain.

 

Please save yourself and walk away. If it is meant to be, it will work out when he is divorced. Don't allow his selfishness to confuse you. Don't be a party to hurting another woman who has done nothing wrong. Guys who willing to play this game hurt ALL the people they claim to love. If that isn't the definition of selfish, then nothing is. I do not think he is most likely a monster, but it just doesn't matter; his actions are monstrous. We women give men too much leeway and credit while we allow ourselves to be disrespected. In my experience, men seem to value respect over love, while we women seem to value love over respect. I do realize that many don't agree with me, and that is fine. But I have seen so much evidence of this in the way people behave. I don't really fault us all for being the way we are, but I am positive that we can do better.

 

Don't allow him to hurt you. And his wife. Don't value the relationship over your self-respect. Nobody is worth that.

[elaine567]

Actually if the MM knows he plans to leave in 2 yrs it makes me wonder why he didn't just wait that much longer before he called you up. I suspect he was going through a marital rough patch and so he figured he'd get you set up as his soft landing should he decide to leave but a decent man doesn't leave a marriage that way.

I agree, he didn't really think this through from the prospect of this being a long term thing or even an exit affair.

I guess he thought he would just be able to have an affair.

Once the OP needed answers, he maybe told the truth concerning him having plans to leave, maybe not.

Getting involved with a MM, may seem like just another relationship, especially to those who are single, but it isn't often that simple. As many have found out to their cost, there is often lots of lying going on and the lying is often not only reserved for the wife.

To the OP, it may seem like a fairy tale, or that fate brought you together. BUT

Be very careful...

[overseas2004]

I do have some friends to talk to and I talk to my mother a lot about this. But to tell you the truth sometimes it makes my head spin to talk to people about it. Everyone has a different opinion about what I should do. And most of them have never been in an affair so they don't know what signs to look for.

 

I was ok with his behavior until the last time he was here. He wanted to get from me what I felt about him but wasn't interested in being open and honest with me. He has been very vague up to now. In my life experiences, being vague is not a good sign.

 

One of the posters said that they think I will continue with the EA. I am not so sure. I am thinking about all of this carefully right now. As I said, I was very sick and now I am better. I didn't like my last meeting with him -- it rubbed me the wrong way. You guys made me angrier by reading your posts. Especially the emotional kibble made me angry.

 

The good thing is that I plan on going away to Europe for the summer and I am hoping that time and distance will give me some perspective and time to diffuse my feelings.

[Lobe]

I plan on going away to Europe for the summer and I am hoping that time and distance will give me some perspective and time to diffuse my feelings.

 

Pack me in your suitcase, please!!!

[overseas2004]

Hi Lobe

 

LOL after what you have been through it would be good for you to come hehehe.

[overseas2004]

For those who have read my situation, I have been in an emotional affair that has gone on for almost a year with my ex boyfriend (from 20 years ago) that was platonic. I felt like everything was in control and I felt comfortable. I didn't think I was falling for him or thought I could control it. But I didn't want to give him up because although I knew it was an emotional affair, his presence helped me through some recent difficult times I have had with my health.

 

My background is I am a single mother, divorced 7 years ago and have not dated anyone since divorce (not anyone meaningful). I did not want to get hurt again so I also have stayed away from sexual relationships as well for all that time. Suffice it to say that I was in a place called reset for 7 years.

 

Then out of the blue my big love from 25 years ago resurfaces. He is still handsome, and kind.... but of course ---he is married. We have seen each other frequently now for a year, sometimes in public and sometimes at my house. He did not want to open up to me about anything for a really long time with regard to his home situation. He told me it was too tough to talk about and that he felt bad talking about her to me that it was unfair. Noble enough I thought.

 

Only recently did we have a discussion in which he told me that he never fully resolved his feelings for me. He told me he had been trying to see me for years, but that somehow I always ended up leaving places that we were both at five minutes before he came. I know that he was trying to find me. I heard from people that we know mutually that he was asking around about me here and there over the years. During this conversation he told me that the major issue in his marriage is communication and compromise. He claims that we are more alike and that we never had that problem. And to be fair we did have a perfect relationship 20 years ago. I left him because my dream came true of getting a job abroad in Europe and I was young. I didn't leave him for any bad reasons.

 

Up until last Tuesday for me being with him was like therapy. I was alone before and had a lot on my plate. I got sick and was hospitalized. All of that made me very vulnerable, which I usually am not. His presence made me feel good. He boosted my ego and made me realize that I wanted to be loved again. , But he was there when I needed him. He even took care of my house while I was hospitalized. But since nothing sexual was happening I didn't feel like I was attached.

 

 

But then last Tuesday I told him that I had decided to go on a business trip and that i was taking my daughter with me and would be gone for a month and a half. Far away. He came over and we hung out as usual. But then he accidentally let my dog out. My dog ran under a van and almost got hit but he made it out safe. When that happened my heart started skipping beats and I had trouble breathing. He caught me by the arm to hold me up and the next thing I knew we were kissing. He picked me up and carried me in the house and we did the dirty.... yup for hours.......

 

Then of course because it all happened we had a talk afterward. He talked to me about his daughter who is almost off to college and he claimed that he was done after that and gone. I asked him what that meant, I always had assumed that he meant his marriage was done. Now all of the sudden it means he is going to move out the city we both live in. He goes on to explain that he will ask his wife to go and if she doesn't want to go then he will leave her behind. I was stunned by the "new information" because before he kept saying he "wouldn't be around if it wasn't for his daughter". That he was only waiting for her to leave so he could leave and that all he wanted out of life was to be with his child every day until she leaves.

 

Anyway predictably this conversation left a dull ache in my heart. I am very glad I am leaving the country. I hope to put time and distance between us to make some kind of right decision here.

 

I don't understand what the sudden change is. Is this some kind of fear because now the relationship has turned sexual? Or is he now simply trying to tell me in some obscure way that he isn't leaving his marriage. WTF?

 

I know many of you will say he was lying to me all along. I welcome that as a possibility--- and its very much in my mind.....although I will say that I have known him and his family for many years and I never really had any experience with him in which he lied to me. If anything he was always brutally honest with me. I accept though that we haven't seen each other in 20 years and that he might have become a liar. What a b*tch this is.

 

Anyway I am really suffering now and just trying to get out the door to the airport without seeing him again. He just called and told me that he got off work early ---but i didn't bite --and told him that he was lucky to have finished so quickly and then I changed the subject. I have been crying in my pillow since in between packing. So hard to go now but know its the right thing for me now.

[Maggie888]

Or is he now simply trying to tell me in some obscure way that he isn't leaving his marriage.

 

I dont think he is "trying" to tell you, I think he is telling you. He flat out said he wants to nove away and is going to ask his wife to come with. Whats important here is all he isnt saying: he isnt asking you to move, isnt telling you he wants an open relationship, isnt telling you he is divorcing.

 

The fact you knew a person as a child or young adult has no bearing. He is lying to his wife so you do in fact know him as a liar. That being said I dont think he lied to you. Rather you just presumed things maybe.

 

Sorry you are hurting and yes thank goodness for this trip. Going NC is the only way thru this. (As always)

[carhill]

Anyway I am really suffering now and just trying to get out the door to the airport without seeing him again. He just called and told me that he got off work early ---but i didn't bite --and told him that he was lucky to have finished so quickly and then I changed the subject. I have been crying in my pillow since in between packing. So hard to go now but know its the right thing for me now.

Wow, an old-timer. Kudos for thinking of us.

 

Yeah, BTDT on this kind of stuff. I came to see things as 'unfinished business' and that's what kept stuff alive.

 

In your case, this final escalation from EA to sexual involvement and then the announcement from him after, to me, seems a really clear way to mark the point where business is finished. What remains is grieving the finish and accepting it and that's a process. Having been on the other side of that process, meaning finished it, for some years now, the peace is incredible. However, I would suggest, once you get there, and I believe you will, to keep an open mind regarding men, lest these years of celibacy turn into a lifetime. That's one potentially negative fallout I've noticed, a decided lack of interest, authentic interest, in pursuing women or relationships. While it might work for me I don't really recommend it.

 

In any event, best wishes in your recovery and augment it with full NC so the guy can't walk anything back. Done and done. More of life to live.

[anika99]

Well first of all you havent' really known him for 20 yrs. You knew him 20yrs ago and now you are getting to know him again. I have long ago friends that I could say I've known for 20 or 30 yrs because that's how long ago I met them but If you asked me how much I really know them, I'd have to admit that I don't know much because you can't really know someone who you haven't had regular contact with for 2 decades.

 

 

Also the context of our relationships with people influences our perceptions. For example I have a 1/2 brother who I didn't meet until I was in my late twenties. He's an awesome guy! I see him a few times a year and I always look forward to it. He is just an upbeat positive good natured guy to be around. He is funny, helpful, and caring and I've never known him to lie to me. He has never done me wrong in our relationship and I have no complaints. He's one of those guys who everyone likes and everyone has nothing but good things to say about him...well everyone except for the women he hurts and walks away from.

 

 

This guy was obviously lying to his wife as well as cheating on her so you know he is very capable of lying. You know he is in fact a liar, yet you are surprised he is a liar. Hard to say if he was lying from the start. Perhaps in the beginning when he was infatuated with you he toyed with the idea of really leaving, but now that he has spent time with you and sees you as just another human being with warts and flaws like the rest of us, he is no longer swept up in the fantasy.

 

 

That's just like my brother that I mentioned. Every woman he meets is the greatest thing since slice bread, he adores her and acts like this time it's really real, this one is really special, but after his initial feelings of infatuation and lust die down suddenly he's off in search of greener pastures while his latest gf is left in pieces because she really believed everything he said; and the reason I think these women believe his words of love and adoration and talk of a future together is because he believes himself...at least in the moment that he says those things. The women believe his lies because he doesn't even know he's lying. He's just messed up in the head, addicted to the fantasy of falling in love with the perfect woman and that will never happen so he will be doing this for the rest of his life.

 

 

You will never know for sure what drives your MM to do and say the things he does. It is better for you to find the whys behind your own behavior rather than his. It sounds like he never specifically came out and said he was going to divorce his wife as soon as his daughter left for college. He was kind of cryptic about it and you filled in the blanks. Even if he did mean that he was planning to leave his wife in 2 years why would that be an acceptable arrangement to you?

 

 

In any case, regardless of what he meant before, now he's definitely telling you he has no plans to leave his wife to be with you. It really does sound like he was willing to let you believe whatever you needed to believe to get into bed with him but the moment he got the goodies he decided he better set the record straight before you became a demanding OW.

[overseas2004]

No you all got it wrong I did not fill in the blanks. We had discussions about how he was going to call it quits after his daughter went to school. He purposefully deceived me.

 

And Anika99 you ask why would I want to get involved with someone who planned to leave their wife. I at one time wanted to leave my husband 7 years ago and I left him. Does that mean I don't deserve to ever have a relationship again in my life?

Edited June 27, 2016 by overseas2004

[Maggie888]

If he specifically told you he planned to divorce his wife before then yes, either he changed his mind or deceived you and thats harsh. Use your pain to keep you in NC. He will Im sure continue to try and string you along to his benefit like most MM telling you whatever necessary.

 

Your trip is coming at a great time. Just keep reminding yourself there is no future with this man at this time.

[whichwayisup]

No you all got it wrong I did not fill in the blanks. We had discussions about how he was going to call it quits after his daughter went to school. He purposefully deceived me.

 

And Anika99 you ask why would I want to get involved with someone who planned to leave their wife. I at one time wanted to leave my husband 7 years ago and I left him. Does that mean I don't deserve to ever have a relationship again in my life?

 

You will have a better and healthier relationship in the future. With a great single guy who can offer you the world, not some MM who really has no intention of leaving his wife after his child goes off to college. I don't believe that for a second. It's a nice fantasy of his..He just wants/wanted an affair to fill his needs and make his life more exciting.

 

Good that you didn't take the bait and I hope you stay strong, stay away from him.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I am a widow and don't have a lot of family support.

 

Can you clarify this for me so that I understand? In your original post you state that you are a widow.

 

. I at one time wanted to leave my husband 7 years ago and I left him.

Yet here you say you are divorced. Which is it?

 

I ask because although the grieving process in both are similar, the process and other feelings as one goes through it are decidedly different.

Edited June 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quotes

[Lobe]

I couldn't agree more with the above statement.

 

If his marriage has imploded, it did so before he looked me up after 20 years and came to my doorstep, not because he came.

 

If you knowingly engage in a relationship with a married man, it makes no difference whether his marriage is imploding, imploded before you showed up, or implodes when your affair is discovered. You are having an affair, openly and knowingly, period.

 

You want to know how serious he is? Go NC. Stop all communication with him until he proves his marriage is "imploded" enough for him to commit to you. Tell him to look you up when he is single. Otherwise, you're just a source of ego kibbles and a booty call.

[BlueIris]

... I am not going to apologize though because if there is something wrong in his marriage, I didn't break it.

 

So I would like some advice. What does this sound like to many of you? What is he doing in my life? What does he want? If it is sex then why hasn't he initiated that process? I am confused....Am I going to find out at some point what the purpose of his continued visitation is?

 

What it sounds like to me is that you want to have an affair with a married man and are invoking the classic reasoning for doing it. Your set of questions also shows that you have decided it's ok so now everything is up to him.

 

Tell him that you’d love to date him once his divorce is final.