Met My Soulmate Being in Roommate Marriage

[KateHR]

I think i was extremely inconsistent with my MM from the very beginning. He was aware that I am not able to leave my family myself. He revealed his fears about me being unable to leave my husband. He also refused to be in a lover role. I think when i relaized how close we are ready to move in with each other, I also got paralyzed. My kid's life routine would change. Now she is stable. She is the only reason I am coward to leave my family. I think I would rather stay unhappy for her.

[purestofpain]

I don't really have anything useful to say but I felt the intense pain from your posts so I really wanted to say something. Hope it gets better for you soon! *hugs*

[KateHR]

My MM just texted and invited me for lunch. I texted that I need to give my family a fair chance.

[KateHR]

My MM probably sounds too primitive for you. He said he has feelings for me and he tried to follow his heart, but admitted that it is difficult with our situations. He has desire to see me and look into my eyes. I told him i want to cut him out of my life as we both decided to focus on our families. He said he understands and accepts my decision. He said if I want that, he will take it as a man and comply.

[ladydesigner]

My MM just texted and invited me for lunch. I texted that I need to give my family a fair chance.

 

(((KateHR))) I'm sorry you are hurting and feeling anxiety. I remember when I was a MOW the anxiety, guilt, then back to wanting ego strokes from my xOM it was too much. I never once felt COMFORTABLE in my A. Sure there were elements that felt great, but in a whole the experience was not pleasant nor comfortable for me.

 

Are you in any kind of counseling for yourself?

 

You were strong in telling MM that.

[Liam1]

My MM probably sounds too primitive for you. He said he has feelings for me and he tried to follow his heart, but admitted that it is difficult with our situations. He has desire to see me and look into my eyes. I told him i want to cut him out of my life as we both decided to focus on our families. He said he understands and accepts my decision. He said if I want that, he will take it as a man and comply.

 

Obviously this shows that your MM was concerned about hurting you.

 

The thing is regarding men, and I can not believe that women fail to get this....is, that men TYPICALLY want an affair for sexual novelty of just plain sex, and women seek affairs as a way to find a new husband because they are unhappy in their marriage.

 

Remember this and you will likely never have another affair.

 

He texted me that he is breaking it off with me because this is the only way he knows how to give his family a fair chance. He said he is sorry that he has to be so cruel with me, but he knows his wife for 18 years and he must try. He disappeared out of my life. I died that day. I screamed from pain that day. I was in disbelief. I lost myself. My initial instinct was fear to lose him. I attacked him with immature texts and begged him to reconsider. He ignored me.

He ignored you because you had unrealistic expectations of an affair.

 

An affair is typically not meant to end their marriage for MOST men.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Rationally I understand everything. But I keep waking up with anxiety and emptiness every morning. I am stepping out of comfort zone in order to fix my marriage. I am faking and committing myself to my family and hope that my heart finally will catch up with sincere emotions. I dont want my married man after everything has happened, but I subcounsoucly catch myself thinking about him every morning. Then I immediately block it. Very complicated emotinally.

 

A few things -

 

1. Get a full STD screening. This went a long way to making my husband feel better and like I was "new" again. Sorry, that is so clinical and yes, it was scary but I did feel better, that clean slate feeling.

 

2. The day will come when you do not think about xMM all the time. I thought about him ever second of every hour of every day. Trust me. It is not possible to have been more in love and hurt than I was - I was borderline suicidal when he stopped talking to me. So trust me when I tell you, it will pass. I'm 6 months out and I think about him but nothing like before. Seriously.

 

3. I told my H everything - everything we did, everything I felt. That's up to you but it helped because now I do not feel like I have any secrets. Secrets bind us to others.

 

4. He will be back, they almost all come back, except the guys here. They seem stronger. But most return for the ego boast, the sex, the excitement. And its worse when they come back because you will think they love you and something is different, but its actually worse. I did not take my own advice, I should have done NC, but I would email him and let him emotionally abuse me by sometimes replying, sometimes ignoring me, telling me to move on and get over it. I crawled. Don't be like me. Show the self esteem I didnt.

 

5. It gets better with the husband and family, but it takes time. It's worth it if you want to be there. Hang in there.

 

6. Nothing wrong with some meds to help you a bit. I take an herbal antidepressant. It helps . Antidepressants suppress that part of your brain that craves for him, that addictive part, and raises your mood up a notch. Just my experience.

[Lobe]

She is the only reason I am coward to leave my family. I think I would rather stay unhappy for her.

 

I think the cowardly thing to do is stay. It's a proven fact that kids fare better in healthy divorces than unhealthy marriages. I think it's totally unfair to blame kids for your unhappiness. If your affair was truly an "exit" affair, then exit, NOT because you have a chance at happiness by creating a new life with your AP but because you have a chance at happiness away from an unhappy marriage.

 

HOWEVER. Are you really "faking" it? All the time you spend thinking about your MM should be directed towards your family and yourself, otherwise you're just keeping yourself submerged in fantasyland, which ALWAYS looks prettier than reality. Your heart will NEVER catch up to being a contributing member of your current family so long as your thoughts are focussed in the wrong place. Ask yourself, are you still so blinded by the affair fog that you cannot view your marriage objectively?

 

Maybe the right answer is a temporary separation, from both your AP and your BS, so that you can truly figure out what you want. If that's too diificult, then definitely NC with MM and IC for you.

[Leigh 87]

Got Gods sake.

 

Why on earth are people suggesting she stay in a loveless marriage!

 

So what, you have kids? That is no excuse to stay ib a loveless marriage!

 

Having kids is a huge sacrifice but you shouldn't honestly have to sacrifice meeting the love of your life, and not get to find love, because of kids.

 

Having kids doesn't mean forgoing your OWN happiness entirely!

 

Having kids shouldn't mean remaining with a spouse with whome you are not mutually truly in love with anymore.

[Lobe]

Having kids shouldn't mean remaining with a spouse with whome you are not mutually truly in love with anymore.

 

SHE is suggesting she remain in a loveless marriage because of kids... tell HER it's not worth it LOL

[pteromom]

It's all so dramatic.

 

Like a romance novel.

 

Star-crossed lovers, longing for each other. Dreaming of each other. Living for the moments where they can fall into each other's arms.

 

Who wouldn't get carried away by the emotion and passion of it all? There's a reason so many people fall into affairs.

 

But there are a few things to consider...

 

ONE is that it is real easy to be in an affair. Not the parts about feeling guilty or lying to your partner - those are probably hard. But the easy part is just living for those minutes or hours in nothing but loving romantic feelings. No kids, no bills, no housework, no arguments. Just blissed-out "love". Your time together becomes your escape from all that hurts.

 

TWO is that because your affair bubble is separate from all the problems of real life, you get to color in what your life together would look like however you want. You get to imagine life with him... nothing but loving each other. Kindness, great sex, laughter, longing for him when you are away from him... ahhh, such a beautiful dream, right?

 

But the truth is that even if his wife is a right beeyatch, and even if he really isn't having sex with her (which is what they all say), nothing happens in a vacuum. It's never ONE PERSON responsible for all the problems in a marriage. What did he do to turn her bitter? What did he do to poison the marriage? If you were to stay with him, you would find out quickly and get a reality check.

 

THREE is that your feelings for him are compounded by your NEED for him as your escape. You don't need HIM as much as you need that time to just relax and be the version of yourself that he convinces you that he sees with his eyes.

 

And FOUR, and I think that someone commented this, is that you don't really know how you feel about your husband right now. You are both hurt by this, and your clarity is behind the fog of an affair. You have to clear ex-MM away while also working with your husband to get through this and see what is left to build upon. It may work out, and it may not, but you have to put in the work to see.

 

Block ex-MM. Let yourself get over him. Give yourself something less harmful to be an escape - swimming or running or spa days with friends, or a good book or a good series to binge watch.

 

It will get better. But every time you see him again, you have to start over. Just let him go.

[mizunomead]

My general recommendation in these scenarios. Get a divorce. Give your husband the dignity and respect to at least let him go find someone to be in his life that will love and cherish him as you do not.

Get into therapy to help yourself learn why your poor judgments lead you to this point. And concentrate on healing yourself and preparing your family for the split that needs to happen.

Let the MM go. He is not available. He is married. If he also gets a divorce then maybe something there can happen.

Just for reference, i was a betrayed husband. Then after my divorce i met a woman and i ended up being the OM for a while, until i found out and broke it off. So i have a bit of a perspective.

[KateHR]

I would not even know what I would do without you. Great thoughts. Great recommendations. My MM admitted that he always loved his wife. He just was not in love with her anymore. When he told her about us and she saw all the pictures of us, it destroyed her emotionally. He never lied about sexual reconnection with her a month ago. When we met for the first time he did tell me he had sex with her 1.5 months earlier. He never lied about it. He doesn't insist on us continuing sexual relationship. He just made it clear that when his wife asked for another chance, he provided it to her.

 

I am not the one who will be his secondary priority. I respect myself. I understand that we lived only in one specific context. We never hid from our spouses and were open with them, but our romance did not experience real problems, routine and boredom. I just need time to heal me.

[66Charger]

I am not the one who will be his secondary priority. I respect myself. .

 

Then do the same for your husband. Respect him or leave him. Do not make him, what you would never be.

 

A second priority.

Edited June 30, 2016 by 66Charger

[Satu]

I would not even know what I would do without you. Great thoughts. Great recommendations. My MM admitted that he always loved his wife. He just was not in love with her anymore. When he told her about us and she saw all the pictures of us, it destroyed her emotionally. He never lied about sexual reconnection with her a month ago. When we met for the first time he did tell me he had sex with her 1.5 months earlier. He never lied about it. He doesn't insist on us continuing sexual relationship. He just made it clear that when his wife asked for another chance, he provided it to her.

 

I am not the one who will be his secondary priority. I respect myself. I understand that we lived only in one specific context. We never hid from our spouses and were open with them, but our romance did not experience real problems, routine and boredom. I just need time to heal me.

 

 

Then just let this affair sink beneath the waves and be forgotten.

 

 

Take care.

[jenkins95]

Very wise words pteromom

 

You described my own affair there. I relate to all the points you raise. They were true before my A, at the point my affair ended, and are still true now nearly a year later.

 

It is true that if you are weak, naive, selfish, bad enough, it is very easy to fall in love and indulge in a fantasy "Champagne and sex" relationship. You can escape into it and separate it from real life. But eventually, it all comes crashing down.

 

This will be one of those posts I re-read regularly, thanks for the contribution.

 

 

It's all so dramatic.

 

Like a romance novel.

 

Star-crossed lovers, longing for each other. Dreaming of each other. Living for the moments where they can fall into each other's arms.

 

Who wouldn't get carried away by the emotion and passion of it all? There's a reason so many people fall into affairs.

 

But there are a few things to consider...

 

ONE is that it is real easy to be in an affair. Not the parts about feeling guilty or lying to your partner - those are probably hard. But the easy part is just living for those minutes or hours in nothing but loving romantic feelings. No kids, no bills, no housework, no arguments. Just blissed-out "love". Your time together becomes your escape from all that hurts.

 

TWO is that because your affair bubble is separate from all the problems of real life, you get to color in what your life together would look like however you want. You get to imagine life with him... nothing but loving each other. Kindness, great sex, laughter, longing for him when you are away from him... ahhh, such a beautiful dream, right?

 

But the truth is that even if his wife is a right beeyatch, and even if he really isn't having sex with her (which is what they all say), nothing happens in a vacuum. It's never ONE PERSON responsible for all the problems in a marriage. What did he do to turn her bitter? What did he do to poison the marriage? If you were to stay with him, you would find out quickly and get a reality check.

 

THREE is that your feelings for him are compounded by your NEED for him as your escape. You don't need HIM as much as you need that time to just relax and be the version of yourself that he convinces you that he sees with his eyes.

 

And FOUR, and I think that someone commented this, is that you don't really know how you feel about your husband right now. You are both hurt by this, and your clarity is behind the fog of an affair. You have to clear ex-MM away while also working with your husband to get through this and see what is left to build upon. It may work out, and it may not, but you have to put in the work to see.

 

Block ex-MM. Let yourself get over him. Give yourself something less harmful to be an escape - swimming or running or spa days with friends, or a good book or a good series to binge watch.

 

It will get better. But every time you see him again, you have to start over. Just let him go.

[waterwoman]

"But the truth is that even if his wife is a right beeyatch, and even if he really isn't having sex with her (which is what they all say), nothing happens in a vacuum. It's never ONE PERSON responsible for all the problems in a marriage. What did he do to turn her bitter? What did he do to poison the marriage? If you were to stay with him, you would find out quickly and get a reality check."

 

That is so true. Marriage are made of two people - I have never known one where the faults were all on one side.

[KateHR]

As some of you predicted he texted after a week of NC. He stated he saw me in a dream: we were at a music fest with OUR son.

 

It made me sick. Actually, to my surpsise, I was so unemotional that we just chatted. I told him that my husband and I spend a lot of time toghether and still fight. We did talk like friends. It is so weird. I dont feel anything. He talked about his emotional connection to me and said he will never lose it. He wants to have just lunch with me. Now when I am so neutral to him, it simply entertains me.

[DKT3]

Did you inform your husband of the contact? And did you reject the invite without excuses.

[KateHR]

No. If I felt emotional burden, I would share. I blocked my ex MM so deep that it does not touch me at all.

[DKT3]

No. If I felt emotional burden, I would share. I blocked my ex MM so deep that it does not touch me at all.

 

So no change in your behavior?

 

By not sharing you maintain a small piece of the secret life you shared, by not rejecting the invite you leave the door open to more attempts...going no where fast.

[Shadowburn]

They always come back. Where else would they go, back to the boring marriage they were trying to escape with you?

Reread your very first post about how you felt you died the day he dumped you and how you screamed in pain.

 

 

Then do yourself a favor and tell him go F himself.

[ladydesigner]

No. If I felt emotional burden, I would share. I blocked my ex MM so deep that it does not touch me at all.

 

Good for you Kate! NC is not an easy feat. While I know you have decided not to disclose to your BS I hope that you will seek therapy for yourself in becoming a healthier and happier person with a lot to offer!

[KateHR]

I received an email from his wife two days ago. I am not hurt, but i am shocked. He is a typical cheater who lied to BOTH of us. I will post everything in detail when i process it. Omg, how trivial and cheap my scenario was. Lesson learned.

 

Affairs are wrong! Affairs are for people who are selfish and who are cowards. Cheaters cause pain to the ones who truly love them. Do not cheat. It will chase and damage you for years.