False reconciliation

[calmb4thestorm]

Hello everyone,

 

Have searched high and low on the internet for the answers I'm seeking and I guess I don't like what I hear. Still, I would appreciate your guys' thoughts too, even if only as a sounding board. I will preface everything by acknowledging that I am a POS, selfish, and have made some selfish decisions.

 

I am a 30-something MM who entered into a physical affair with a MW for about 4 months. It was very passionate and intense. We fell in love (or limerence...or infatuation...or ???). We also work together. At the 4 month mark, I told my spouse about the affair. It has been a roller-coaster ride ever since. I suspected she would want to leave me upon discovery, but surprisingly she wants to work it out. I have been going to counseling ever since. I have never been unfaithful before in any relationship and this isn't normal behavior for me. Meanwhile, the MW is amidst divorce (she ensures me that it was an inevitability for here anyways and that our relationship was not the catalyst). So she is essentially single now. There are young children involved on both sides of the equation; MW has small children and so do I. I've read the stats and I know the odds that relationships formed through infidelity are unlikely to succeed, but I feel very passionate for this woman and we share a lot of commonalities. I miss her incredibly now, but we still share an emotional bond.

 

I've tried going NC and it works for a bit, but it doesn't seem to last, especially since we cross paths at work. We haven't been together since discovery, but the emotional connection is still very much there. I know she still wants me too. My marriage isn't terrible and probably salvageable with effort. My wife still loves me. I know I am a selfish person. Is it incredibly stupid to throw away a marriage for a chance with someone else? Will I regret it? Or will I regret not chancing it?

[minimariah]

Is it incredibly stupid to throw away a marriage for a chance with someone else? Will I regret it? Or will I regret not chancing it?

 

who knows. no one can really tell you that.

 

a lot of marriages - that started as an affair - are successful & work. a lot of those didn't work at all & fell apart immediately. some fell apart after many years together; there are no guarantees.

 

i'd focus on your marriage first - see what's really going on in there. is there really something to work on, save...? if the answer is yes, give it a REAL chance. dedicated, strict NC... go in full blown reconciliation mode (because right now, you're kind of faking it). if it doesn't work - divorce. don't leave the marriage just for someone else, that's always a bad idea. if you'll walk away - you need to do it because the marriage isn't working for you. no matter who is or isn't waiting on the other side. THEN focus on the OW. and see if it will work, how will that relationship look like... just like every other relationship.

 

don't put too much pressure on the OW & the affair relationship. i'm sure you're going to regret SOME aspect of every decision you make; you win some, you lose some. the point is... what arrangement will give you the better quality in life for both you and your kids? that's up to you to decide.

 

focus on one problem at the time - right now... you're marriage. think this way: will you be happier with or without your wife? no OW right now. act like that relationship will fail. decide on your marriage based on THE MARRIAGE, not on possibility of a greener grass.

[Bufo]

I'm a little confused here. You say you and OW share an emotional bond yet also claim to be in NC with her. Unless you have the ability read minds (like Mel Gibson in the movie What Women Want) you may be projecting.

 

Don't take action based on wishes and hopes and perhaps subtle signals

 

Does she really want you now? During a divorce also isn't the most logical unemotional time. She may not know what she wants.

 

Do you want a D? If so proceed with it. But please don't get divorced because you think OW wants you. You could find you have neither W nor OW. That means a lot of time to be kicking yourself in the ass saying what a damn fool I was.

 

And it is not unheard of that some recently divorced people are done (at least temporarily) with romance. Adapting to single parenthood isn't the easiest thing to do, leaving less time for romance than the lover might hope for.

Edited May 31, 2016 by Bufo
Typo

[Mr. Lucky]

I've tried going NC and it works for a bit, but it doesn't seem to last, especially since we cross paths at work.

 

Hate to break it to you but that's not NC. The "N" stand for no, nada, zero. If you're serious about saving your marriage, you do whatever it takes, job change included, to make this happen. And I don't want to hear why "you can't".

 

There are young children involved on both sides of the equation; MW has small children and so do I.

 

Spin it any way you want but you're considering being a part-time Dad to your kids while you'd be a full-time parent to hers. That's the reality.

 

There is a third option - separate from your wife and focus on making the transition as painless as possible for your kids. This would best be done without the distraction or drama of another relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lemondrop21]

I'm an xOW and will compare your actions to those of the MM I was involved in, in case it's of any help.

 

When he and I first got involved, he told his wife within weeks that there was something seriously wrong, that they needed to talk, and that she needed to go to IC and make substantial changes in order to salvage their marriage. He went to IC as well.

 

Initially I took it to mean that this was an "exit affair" because if he wanted to have his cake and eat it then why would he have talked to w at all? But in hindsight I'm not so sure - unlike you, he did not admit the affair to his wife. Maybe that means something. Although it could just mean that you're a more honest guy...

 

Anyway, you admitted the affair on the assumption that your wife would likely want to divorce. This is the action you need to analyze. Were you really hoping that your wife would leave - making this what they call an "exit affair"?

 

Or, did you want to blow things up in order to see if your wife truly wanted to remain in the marriage and have a great marriage? Sort of like a catalyst for change in a marriage that had gotten stale?

 

There's a book called When Good People Have Affairs that is aimed at people in your situation (wayward spouses trying to assess whether to stay or go), it might help you.

 

Also, for what it's worth, four months is so early and of course you are still in the infatuation stage. You might progress to really love the OW with time, but it's impossible to say right now.

 

Good luck and it's good you're actively seeking a solution to the situation, which is far more than most people do.

Edited May 31, 2016 by lemondrop21

[lemondrop21]

Spin it any way you want but you're considering being a part-time Dad to your kids while you'd be a full-time parent to hers. That's the reality.

 

How do we know that MW will get full custody of her children? OP says they are young but we don't know how young. Her soon to be xh could very well get 50% custody.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he moved in with the OW, he'd be living with her children in their house. Even with 50% custody, his kids would be visiting. In the vast majority of situations, he'd be spending more time with her kids than his own.

 

And I say this without judgement, just want to make sure the OP understands the reality of what he's considering...

 

Mr. Lucky

[calmb4thestorm]

Hi all. Thanks for the feedback. Some things I'd like to address:

 

How do we know that MW will get full custody of her children? OP says they are young but we don't know how young. Her soon to be xh could very well get 50% custody.

 

I think their plan is to share custody of their children 50/50.

 

If he moved in with the OW, he'd be living with her children in their house. Even with 50% custody, his kids would be visiting. In the vast majority of situations, he'd be spending more time with her kids than his own.

 

I wouldn't move directly in with her. I would likely purchase my own place first and start seeing her exclusively though. She has since purchased a place while her divorce is going through. I would try and have custody of my children 50/50 too in an ideal situation.

 

Hate to break it to you but that's not NC. The "N" stand for no, nada, zero. If you're serious about saving your marriage, you do whatever it takes, job change included, to make this happen. And I don't want to hear why "you can't".

 

I am failing miserably here. I tried no contact. We stopped talking for three weeks. Then she contacted me out of the blue. Then we've been talking/txting steadily since. And I haven't told my wife. Yes, it's still an emotional affair then. Since I'm indulging it, what does that say about me though? I need your honest thoughts. Do I really want to save my marriage? Or is it 2 steps forward, 1 backward every time? The agonizing part is that she has said she will 'wait for me' and that I'm the one for her. It makes it all that much harder, because the attraction is very intense and I could envision a life with her. Is that fantasy stuff or could it be real? I've heard the grass isn't always greener, but maybe sometimes it is? I guess the real hard part about all this is that my marriage isn't really THAT bad. We still have intimacy...but I guess it's just that I'm MORE attracted to OW than my own wife...physically for sure, but her personality is amazing and we share many similarities. Then I realize we're both adulterers too though. I am so confused....

[calmb4thestorm]

Anyway, you admitted the affair on the assumption that your wife would likely want to divorce. This is the action you need to analyze. Were you really hoping that your wife would leave - making this what they call an "exit affair"?

 

Is it funny that I've analyzed that and I'm not sure what the answer is? I want to say it wasn't an exit affair, but I can't say with 100% certainty that I even understand my own motives. I am seeing a therapist for it.

 

I know there were points throughout my marriage where I was not happy and didn't feel in love with my wife, but that seems to come and go. It's something I've questioned before.

[wmacbride]

Your ow actions speak volumes about her respect for you and your decisions.

 

It sounds like you told her you wnated to go nc, and she chose not to respect that. It would be the same if she had aksed you for nc and your ignored her wishes.

 

This makes it impossible for you to clear your head and make up your mind.

 

Is it possible for you to take some time away without contact with your spouse or ow? Even just a weekend, to clear your head? Tell both that you wish to be left alone and why.

 

While you are on your own, think about what a relationship with the ow could be like, long term. It's one thing to say " we are in love after four months" , but will that love last? \what happens when it's no longer a triangulated relationship? What happens if your ow decides that she wants to enjoy the freedom of her non-married life?

 

Does any of this matter?

 

How was your marriage before you met ow? Be honest. Were you happy? If ow said to you that she wasn't interested in being with you, would you still want to end your m? If your answer is no, then what does that tell you?

 

 

 

these two days won't solve your problems, but they at least might give you some clarity.

[calmb4thestorm]

Your ow actions speak volumes about her respect for you and your decisions.

 

It sounds like you told her you wnated to go nc, and she chose not to respect that. It would be the same if she had aksed you for nc and your ignored her wishes. While you are on your own, think about what a relationship with the ow could be like, long term. It's one thing to say " we are in love after four months" , but will that love last? \what happens when it's no longer a triangulated relationship? What happens if your ow decides that she wants to enjoy the freedom of her non-married life?

 

Does any of this matter?

 

How was your marriage before you met ow? Be honest. Were you happy? If ow said to you that she wasn't interested in being with you, would you still want to end your m? If your answer is no, then what does that tell you?

 

 

 

these two days won't solve your problems, but they at least might give you some clarity.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, she definitely has an agenda. She wants me, but I can't blame her for that. She did break the no contact, but I could've ignored it and I didn't.

 

Truth is, I probably wouldn't end my marriage if she wasn't in the picture and I know that's a huge red flag right there. And yet the temptation is overwhelming. I know it's a huge gamble. Tell me I'm an idiot please. I know leaving a marriage for someone else is the wrong reason, but people do it all the time, don't they? Am I self-destructive?

[ladydesigner]

I think you should explore your thoughts in IC. Having 2 people in the picture definitely clouds your judgement. I would advise going as far as to leave the workplace if you can't keep NC.

 

Whatever you do don't let it drag on too long because you may lose both women in the process.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I self-destructive?

 

Self-destructive? How about destructive to all the people people around you?

 

I can only imagine what this limbo is like for your wife. No worries, if you vacillate long enough, either your BS will kick you out or your OW will move on. Problem solved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sassy Girl]

Affairs by their very nature are intense.

 

How long were you with your wife before your professed love, proposed... Made the decision that she was the one for the rest of your life?

 

Now compare that with the 4 month relationship with a woman who doesn't respect her own marriage... Much less yours. Its 4 months... You cant make a rational life-Changing permanent decision off the back of a 4 month illicit relationship. It's absurd. It's a fantasy.

 

She is making her play for you. Which means she wants to destroy your children's family. Think about that. She is actively gunning for your children to have a part time father. And yet you have no reason why you should end your marriage at all. Heck, you admitted if she didn't insert yourself into your marriage you would never have left.

 

Your marriage is salvageable.But the damage you do to your relationship with your children may not be. I speak as a child whose father left for the ow. Knowing, that at the end of he day, he chose her and not us.

 

Yes, you're being selfish. And your continued contact with ow means you're also cruel and deceitful. It's not fair to keep both women in limbo. But it's truly unfair to fake reconciliation with your wife, who doesn't even realise she's in competition. It's not a fair playing field. This is your children's mother. Where the hell did your integrity go?

 

Imagine your brother or best friend asking the same advice... Or your father...

Edited June 1, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[lemondrop21]

Sassy's post is blunt but she makes some good points for you to consider.

 

I think you'll need to stick to the IC and probably should make it clear to both women that you are still on the fence and trying to figure out which one to "choose." One or both may leave, as Mr Lucky noted, but that's true regardless of what you do. Hopefully you are working with a good therapist who can really help you sort out your motivations for getting into the affair as well as your true marital history, and whether the cheating represents something that you personally need to address, lest history repeat itself. Realize that this is not only about choosing between two women - it's about understanding why you got to the place you did, being at peace with your true self when you eventually make the choice, and getting to a place where you can forgive yourself for the adultery and put your energy towards building whichever relationship you end up in.

 

The Kirshenbaum book is really good at laying out all the factors you should consider and is unbiased towards reconciling or leaving... If you read the Amazon reviews people say the book led them to either outcome.

 

On another note...

As an OW I always felt that I wanted MM to leave his marriage if and only if his marriage was bad. I feared that if he left "for me," he would have such high expectations in the future that disappointment and resentment would be almost inevitable. I wonder if your OW has considered this. She may be in a very fragile place due to the divorce, and perhaps space and time apart would allow her to get back in touch with her inner strength, remember that she will be okay whether alone or with you, and realize that it's best if you make the choice to leave on your own, without her convincing you. Sorry if this is over projecting though as I don't know your OW.

[lemondrop21]

One more thing - you ask if you will regret throwing your marriage away, or if you'll regret not chancing it. No matter what decision you make, you are likely never going to "know" 100% if it was the right one; not in a situation like this, anyway. That is something you should work on coming to terms with in IC both before and after you make the choice. The other option will crop up to haunt you at times and you'll need to be prepared for that. But life goes on, so it will hurt less and less with time.

[Cymbeline]

When your wife realises you are still in contact it won't be pretty. Your actions now towards her are simply brutal. I describe that period of false reconciliation as emotional terrorism. There was no place, even my home, that was safe from intrusion via email and social media. Please stop it as it is tougher to get over than the affair.

 

I'm a lot older than you so my circumstances differ but I am confident I understand both achievement and the part that emotional health, resilience and stability plays (financial too actually - an intact family unit meant we could afford 'big name' High schools but that's just a luxury and not really what's important)

 

I see no real consideration here for either set of children and what this will mean for them. I bristle when I read than children are resilient - they aren't. I also bristle when I read that they'll be fine. If loved, they'll probably be ok. They will not be as resilient as if they had lived a stable life in a satisfactory family environment (I say satisfactory, deliberately)

 

. Mental health issues are endemic - number 4 in the WHO disease stats and due to be no 2, after obesity (also a mental health issue imo) by 2025. We look to the East for mindfulness and meditative solutions - to societies where continuity and community tend to be prioritised over the desires of the individual - where, in fact, desire and ego are deemed to be the root of all suffering. What donyou want for your children? In addition, how do you feel about bringing up someone else's children? I'm a decent mother, but I would find it tough to truly love and be patient with other people's children. I admire those who manage it.

 

Whom do you want to be? This is a more relevant question than choosing between two women. Listen on YouTube Prof Robert Sapolsky, the Stanford Neuroendocrinologist. You will read a lot about dopamine on these forums. . It is a neurotransmitter involved in motivation. It is released not during the reward (sex with AP) bit in anticipation. Few activities are more anticipatory than an affair.

 

To make dopamine go through the roof, you design the activity so that the reward is a 'maybe'. How much more 'maybe' can you get than an affair between two MP? Much more than in a normal dating relationship. More than you will have ever had with your wife - she was always pretty much a 'dead cert' because she was always legitimate and therefore available. So not a 'maybe'

 

If a scientist were to flash a series of pictures at you, when one of a new lover appears, dopamine is released. If you repeat that activity after 5 years with the same lover, no dopamine is released. Other transmitters, involved in attachment and comfort are released, but these are not motivational. This is the inescapable biology of marriage.

 

This biology drives the intensity you feel. It will drive you again in your life, there is little doubt - you are still young. If you want an enduring marriage you need a partner who is a decent person, whose values mesh with yours. A competent parent, a resilient personality who will roll with life's visiccitudes.a good companion. If you prefer serial monogamy, then you can be less choosy.

 

But it might be worth pausing to reflect upon the human condition and it's inevitable end and to think about the legacy you hope to leave.

[anika99]

Hi all. Thanks for the feedback. Some things I'd like to address:

 

 

 

I think their plan is to share custody of their children 50/50.

 

 

 

I wouldn't move directly in with her. I would likely purchase my own place first and start seeing her exclusively though. She has since purchased a place while her divorce is going through. I would try and have custody of my children 50/50 too in an ideal situation.

 

 

 

I am failing miserably here. I tried no contact. We stopped talking for three weeks. Then she contacted me out of the blue. Then we've been talking/txting steadily since. And I haven't told my wife. Yes, it's still an emotional affair then. Since I'm indulging it, what does that say about me though? I need your honest thoughts. Do I really want to save my marriage? Or is it 2 steps forward, 1 backward every time? The agonizing part is that she has said she will 'wait for me' and that I'm the one for her. It makes it all that much harder, because the attraction is very intense and I could envision a life with her. Is that fantasy stuff or could it be real? I've heard the grass isn't always greener, but maybe sometimes it is? I guess the real hard part about all this is that my marriage isn't really THAT bad. We still have intimacy...but I guess it's just that I'm MORE attracted to OW than my own wife...physically for sure, but her personality is amazing and we share many similarities. Then I realize we're both adulterers too though. I am so confused....

 

I think this is really the karma of affairs. The cheater enters this state of mind that is perpetually confused and a confused mind is an unhealthy mind. I think if you really wanted to leave and be with the OW you wouldn't be confused about that. The problem is that the affair has turned you into a greedy selfish person who doesn't want to make a choice unless there is some guarantee that your choice will end up in your personal happiness, to hell with the people you are hurting.

 

You worry that if you stay with your wife maybe you won't be happy because you will always regret losing the OW. Then you worry that that if you leave for the OW maybe your relationship with her will fail and then you will regret losing your marriage and your family. It's all about you and making yourself happy at the expense of everyone else. You have become an egotistical self-entitled individual who is trying to decide which decision will result in the best payout for you. You are in a state of me me me, what is best for me? You are lying and manipulating and trying to manage everyone so that everyone stays stuck where they are while you figure out what is best for you. Frankly you have become a rather icky person and that's because that is what affairs do to people and why cheating is never a healthy choice. The cheater damages themselves.

 

Stop playing games with people's lives and make a decision. Nothing in life comes with guaranteed happiness and all situations have their positives and negatives. If you leave your wife and you actually begin a long term relationship with the OW it will probably be much the same as your marriage, where sometimes you are in love with her, sometimes not. Except you will have stepchildren who may dislike you and biological children who may resent you, as well as diminished finances from trying to contribute to your new household while still supporting your former household through child support and alimony. If being with your OW is worth that kind of life then get out of your house and go to her, if not then get back into your marriage and go complete no contact with the OW. Stop selfishly keeping everyone stuck, you're not the only person who matters here. Keep in mind that your OW greatest desire right now is to see your family destroyed just as she destroyed her own. She isn't thinking about your children, her children, or anyone else but herself and what she wants, just the same as you are.

[66Charger]

While my views on infidelity are labeled extreme, which i can live with, at the end of the day it all comes down to dishonesty. There comes a point in time when you should stop living the lie, and talk to the only person in this equation that matters. Your wife. Is it really fair for her to live a life of secrets and lies? With someone who, by your words is second best? IC yes, but yes to being honest with your wife.

 

Your question of whether 2 adulterers can make it a go, can be answered on this forum. There are a few who actualy do, and appear to be "happy" but you dont read about their "collateral damage", (children and BS) who probally arent so happy.

 

Whatever your decision, do not run roughshod over other peoples lives and feelings. Deep down, if you really feel you need to go, dont gaslight and dont lie. There is nothing more disrespectful than a fake reconciliation.

 

Honor may be outdated and surely not in vogue on LS, but find a way to look in the mirror and know you did the right thing.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like if the prospect of losing your marriage isn't enough to shake you out of feelings for the OW, then you should end your marriage. I am unsure what will happen next with OW, if you will end up together in the long run or not-but in my mind it isn't an either/or between your wife and your OW- its a your marriage is not important enough to you to focus on and the kindest thing to do for all involved is to end it-

 

This coming from a pro-marriage, pro-reconciliation person working through reconciliation-BUT I feel like its a long road and you have to have reconciliation as your top priority or its just not going to work-

 

Best of luck-

[Lady Hamilton]

My now-husband and I started as an affair. We left our spouses for each other, moved in together, got engaged, married, and somewhere in there had a child. My divorce was easy... His was not.

 

What lead me to leaving my then-husband was I realized the idea of trying to have a relationship with my AP that may or may not work made me happier than the idea of staying married. Being married scared me more than the idea of being alone with neither of them.

 

His decision took longer and was filled with more ups and downs, not the least of which was the kids. After much back and forth, he ultimately left because he was not happy, he didn't love his then-wife, he was tired of being abused, and he wanted to be with me.

 

In the almost decade that has passed we are still together and quite happy, stable, and we have quite moved on. My ex husband has also long since moved on, remarried, and by all accounts, quite happy. My husbands ex has not fared as well, despite the fact that she has attached herself to somebody and likes to pretend she has moved on. The kids are also wonderful, happy, healthy, and we have a good relationship with them.

 

The thing I will say is think of how hard you think it will be, then multiply it by 1,000. Especially as if you go with her, it means inviting her ex and kids into your relationship as well as including your wife in it as well. It won't be easy... It will be crazy hard.

 

Which choice works better for you? Only you can answer that.

[calmb4thestorm]

Affairs by their very nature are intense.

 

How long were you with your wife before your professed love, proposed... Made the decision that she was the one for the rest of your life?

 

Now compare that with the 4 month relationship with a woman who doesn't respect her own marriage... Much less yours. Its 4 months... You cant make a rational life-Changing permanent decision off the back of a 4 month illicit relationship. It's absurd. It's a fantasy.

 

She is making her play for you. Which means she wants to destroy your children's family. Think about that. She is actively gunning for your children to have a part time father. And yet you have no reason why you should end your marriage at all. Heck, you admitted if she didn't insert yourself into your marriage you would never have left.

 

Your marriage is salvageable.But the damage you do to your relationship with your children may not be. I speak as a child whose father left for the ow. Knowing, that at the end of he day, he chose her and not us.

 

Yes, you're being selfish. And your continued contact with ow means you're also cruel and deceitful. It's not fair to keep both women in limbo. But it's truly unfair to fake reconciliation with your wife, who doesn't even realise she's in competition. It's not a fair playing field. This is your children's mother. Where the hell did your integrity go?

 

Imagine your brother or best friend asking the same advice... Or your father...

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

[Whoknew30]

Hate to break it to you but that's not NC. The "N" stand for no, nada, zero. If you're serious about saving your marriage, you do whatever it takes, job change included, to make this happen. And I don't want to hear why "you can't".

 

 

 

Spin it any way you want but you're considering being a part-time Dad to your kids while you'd be a full-time parent to hers. That's the reality.

 

There is a third option - separate from your wife and focus on making the transition as painless as possible for your kids. This would best be done without the distraction or drama of another relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Disagree, that you part time parent when divorced. That only happens when the spouses can't get it together...which both should always put the kids first no matter what the relationship is like between the two. My H & I separated for quite a bit of time & my kids saw both of us everyday bc we put our crap to the side when it came to them.

 

 

Don't ever stay just for the kids. It's wrong & one never had a full reconciliation that way. You sit down & clear your head & really think about what you want & why you did it in the first place. No one can tell you if you should stay or go, you have to figure that out on your own. Good luck, been there & it's no walk in the park

[calmb4thestorm]

I think this is really the karma of affairs. The cheater enters this state of mind that is perpetually confused and a confused mind is an unhealthy mind. I think if you really wanted to leave and be with the OW you wouldn't be confused about that. The problem is that the affair has turned you into a greedy selfish person who doesn't want to make a choice unless there is some guarantee that your choice will end up in your personal happiness, to hell with the people you are hurting.

 

You worry that if you stay with your wife maybe you won't be happy because you will always regret losing the OW. Then you worry that that if you leave for the OW maybe your relationship with her will fail and then you will regret losing your marriage and your family. It's all about you and making yourself happy at the expense of everyone else. You have become an egotistical self-entitled individual who is trying to decide which decision will result in the best payout for you. You are in a state of me me me, what is best for me? You are lying and manipulating and trying to manage everyone so that everyone stays stuck where they are while you figure out what is best for you. Frankly you have become a rather icky person and that's because that is what affairs do to people and why cheating is never a healthy choice. The cheater damages themselves.

 

Stop playing games with people's lives and make a decision. Nothing in life comes with guaranteed happiness and all situations have their positives and negatives. If you leave your wife and you actually begin a long term relationship with the OW it will probably be much the same as your marriage, where sometimes you are in love with her, sometimes not. Except you will have stepchildren who may dislike you and biological children who may resent you, as well as diminished finances from trying to contribute to your new household while still supporting your former household through child support and alimony. If being with your OW is worth that kind of life then get out of your house and go to her, if not then get back into your marriage and go complete no contact with the OW. Stop selfishly keeping everyone stuck, you're not the only person who matters here. Keep in mind that your OW greatest desire right now is to see your family destroyed just as she destroyed her own. She isn't thinking about your children, her children, or anyone else but herself and what she wants, just the same as you are.

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that as well. Yes, I have become a selfish prick. I have ruined and affected many lives. Now I need to try and do the right thing (whatever that is --- although I suspect it is working on my marriage) and mend wounds as best as I can. It's a struggle though, even though I know that sounds ridiculous. I know my feelings shouldn't really matter in all of this, compared to the hell I've put my wife through. I know NC is the only way to separate from my lover, but I work with her and can't suffer the loss of income. An eventual job change may be in order, but any advice on how to make things work in the interim?

[ShatteredLady]

If a person can go through d-day & the aftermath, witness the pain & destruction of a person that they loved enough to marry & start a family with AND still continue to cheat behind their back knowing the absolute agony they are inflicting then there is either something VERY wrong with the marriage (you say there is not) or there is something VERY, VERY wrong with the person!

 

I know that sounds harsh but it truly isn't! Really think about what I'm saying. Most WS crumble on d-day. They see what they have done, the AGONY that they are responsible for & they stop the triangle one way or another. It takes a particular kind of person to keep it going.

 

Some call it 'conflict avoidance'. I call it cowadess. I don't like the phrase "Be a man!", be a human being! Switch your empathy & compassion back on. Tell your wife & kids that you're leaving OR tell your OW that it's over. At this point you're torturing both women & claiming to love them!!