False reconciliation

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry, we were posting at the same time.

 

Start searching for another job now.

 

The rest of it comes down to the REALLY hard stuff....HONESTY!

If you work together then very clear boundaries & the cold, hard truth (until you can leave) is the only solution.

 

Get applications out there & have a family vacation. Start texting your wife not your OW.

 

Is your company large enough for you or OW to transfer so you're not as involved?

Edited June 1, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[calmb4thestorm]

I guess the crux of it is that, I like the idea of an 'insurance policy' where, if my marriage doesn't work out, I have the OW to be with. I know, once seeing that in writing, I sound like a complete a-hole. The irony of it all being, my marriage WOULD work if the OW wasn't in the picture.

 

I am very physically attracted to this woman. I heard a stat before that only around 10% (or something like that) of MM found their AP to be more attractive than their actual spouse. Well I must be in that minority. Also, I know for a fact that sex with her is better. These are all very superficial things I realize. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Expecting some harsh comments.

[Whoknew30]

I guess the crux of it is that, I like the idea of an 'insurance policy' where, if my marriage doesn't work out, I have the OW to be with. I know, once seeing that in writing, I sound like a complete a-hole. The irony of it all being, my marriage WOULD work if the OW wasn't in the picture.

 

I am very physically attracted to this woman. I heard a stat before that only around 10% (or something like that) of MM found their AP to be more attractive than their actual spouse. Well I must be in that minority. Also, I know for a fact that sex with her is better. These are all very superficial things I realize. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Expecting some harsh comments.

 

You have to ask yourself...do you want to stay just bc it "will work". I've been on both sides of the cheating fence & wouldn't have stayed just bc it would work. I stayed bc that's what I really wanted. Your wife deserves better than that. I know you're confused but it has to be what you really want or you're doing your W & yourself no favors. Also, don't be so cocky, this woman is going through a divorce, she may not be there just waiting for you like you think...she may enjoy the freedom.

[Marc878]

Read up.

 

Grass Is Greener Syndrome

 

As long as you are in any form of contact the affair will not go away

[Mr. Lucky]

Disagree, that you part time parent when divorced. That only happens when the spouses can't get it together...which both should always put the kids first no matter what the relationship is like between the two. My H & I separated for quite a bit of time & my kids saw both of us everyday bc we put our crap to the side when it came to them.

 

I understand the concept and kudos to you and your H for pulling it off. I did the same with my son, in fact I told my exW I'd be her on-call child care if our son was sick and she had to work. But I also didn't date for a year to make sure my focus was on him and his needs during the break-up and transition.

 

Contrast that to the OP's involvement with his OW and her kids. A lot on his plate, no?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jenkins95]

Hi calm

 

Even though you've only got yourself to blame for the situation you are in, I want to send a big big (((man hug))) to you because I know where you are. I've stood in your shoes and despite suffering most of the normal challenges that most guys in their 40s have faced - illness, loss of friends and relatives, coping with illness and issues with children, financial troubles, etc, etc, NOTHING has come even close to the nightmare situation of finding yourself, with only yourself to blame and empathy, sympathy and advice in short supply, in the awful position of having a good marriage with children and a good wife, who you love but at the same time being madly in love with another woman - and under pressure to make a decision one way or the other as to where you are going in your life. I simply wanted to die when I stood in your shoes and like the POS coward that I am, I often escaped and avoided the horror of my situation by drowning my sorrows in alcohol, drifting off into a drunken sleep each night, waking in the morning actually grateful for the hangover because at least it was another distraction from the mess I was in.

 

Calm, your thread has actually tempted me out of posting retirement because in you, I so clearly see the me of one year ago - have a look at some of threads I started myself if you are interested. Yes, we could both be described as selfish POS cowards who have hurt people in our quest for our own happiness, and who deserve no sympathy at all. But I do feel for you, calm. You are not evil - you are just a fallible human being capable of making mistakes and taking bad decisions - and only later do we see the horror of what we've done... To others and ourselves. I wouldn't wish your situation on my worst enemy because it's brutal. I am here for you calm.... And so are many others.

 

I am planning lots of new posts soon on the things I've learned from my affair, how reconciliation is going, etc, etc, but for now, this is my advice, based on the fact that one year ago, I could have written your post word for word the same.

 

Give 100% to your marriage. 100%. Even 99.9% will cause it to fail. Even one text message per week with the OW will destroy your efforts.... It will keep you guys connected and you will know (even if only on a subconscious level) that she is still an option and is waiting for you. Tell the MW lovingly and compassionately that this situation is killing you and you owe it to your wife, your kids and your history to at least try to give it 100%. If your MW loves you, and it sounds like she does, she will give you this. With so much damage already done, freeing you from your current limbo would be an act of love. Wish each other genuinely the very very best, and then walk away.... And consider it permanent. Try to avoid thinking that she is still an option that you can pick up later if things work out - she has to be effectively dead to you to give you any chance of seeing through the fog to what is tally and salvageable in your marriage.

 

With genuine NC in place, give it 100% for at least a year. It will be brutal, there will be arguments, rows, doubts, frustrations. Inevitably, particularly after a row, you will miss the ow and think what might have been. Be strong, get through it, don't reach out to her.... You will want to, sometimes it will be unbearable..... But it will pass. It come again, and then it will pass again.

 

If you really are as much like me as you seem, the fog will start to clear and you will begin to realise what you nearly threw away. It will still be brutal and you will still miss her, but increasingly you will realise that you made the right decision.

 

Of course life with your wife may seem dull occasionally and you don't fancy her as much as you used to and the sex may have become routine, and the conversation less stimulating.... That's life! If everyone divorced because their life became mundane, very few marriages would last more than 10 years. The secret is to work on it, keep dating, find different things to do to keep things fresh. Never stop talking or connecting.... as my wife and i did at one stage. The rot can settle in quickly if not checked.

 

Equally, of course your MW is sexy and fun and the sex is amazing - she is new and different, like a shiny new toy....you are still discovering her, security and intellectually - it is intoxicating addictive. Almost anyone who let their boundaries down, even in a good marriage, could find a member of the opposite sex exciting and fun and discover great sex and an amazing connection with them - it's human nature, it's hormonal, it's natural, in our genes... If we let it happen, as you and I have selfishly done, it happens naturally. In illicit circumstances, it can ironically and cruelly become even more appealing.

 

If you genuinely and completely go into NC and give everything to your marriage, I am confident that you will be OK. If, after a year or so, you realise that it's irretrievable, then you can respectfully and honestly look into separation options.....I don't like the phrase, but you will have "earned your way out".

 

Don't just leave for the arms of the MW. I think this could destroy everyone in your story, as I think it would have in mine. The guilt, the damage, the uncertainty, the doubts, the pain, the huge change...... It would have eaten from the inside out and destroyed me if I'd taken that step. Could it be the same for you?

 

Please accept my apologies that I appear to be telling you what to do..... I'm not really talking directly to you, but to the me of 12 months ago. You seem just the same, but perhaps you are not? Either way, I hope this post helps you.

 

I'm thinking of you and I'm here for you.

 

Stay strong, get your head in the right place and do the right thing for everyone. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

Keep the posts coming.

 

J

[Whoknew30]

I understand the concept and kudos to you and your H for pulling it off. I did the same with my son, in fact I told my exW I'd be her on-call child care if our son was sick and she had to work. But I also didn't date for a year to make sure my focus was on him and his needs during the break-up and transition.

 

Contrast that to the OP's involvement with his OW and her kids. A lot on his plate, no?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're a good dad ...it is a lot! I'd be lying if I said it wasn't but just bc you're with someone doesn't mean you jump into moving in with them or knowing the kids right away. Even during my A I told OM if we ever did end up together, there's no way you'd meet my kids for a longgg time. Then again I don't trust anyone with my kids but family. My kids have never even had a sitter that wasn't a grandparent. Though everyone is different.

[ShatteredLady]

Calmb4. Be careful with too much of the selfdepricating "Yes, I have become a selfish pr**k." in real life. It's something that drove me crazy about my H after d-day. I'm not saying that you're doing this but just in case...

 

When I desperately needed to discuss the whys & how's, my husbands "I was a hot mess", "I know I'm a c**t", "because I'm an a-hole", "I'm a heartless monster", "I hate myself" etc got old fast! Nearly, I said NEARLY as bad as the "I can't remember!".

 

If you truly want to reconcile it's really important that you understand your motivations, actions & the many different kinds of pain & damage that your actions have caused. Being in IC is a great idea!

The more you know & understand yourself, the better you can support & help your bs to heal.

 

Have you read the "How to help your bs heal...." at the top of this forum? It could help you in reconciliation & know if you're up to the challenge.

 

Please stop the fake reconciliation. It's so brutal.

 

Jenkins has been in your shoes. He's genuinely compassionate & very honest about the complexities of the nightmare you've created for yourself & your family. If I were a cheating husband I'd definitely accept his offer of support.

Edited June 1, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Lady Hamilton]

I guess the crux of it is that, I like the idea of an 'insurance policy' where, if my marriage doesn't work out, I have the OW to be with. I know, once seeing that in writing, I sound like a complete a-hole. The irony of it all being, my marriage WOULD work if the OW wasn't in the picture.

 

I am very physically attracted to this woman. I heard a stat before that only around 10% (or something like that) of MM found their AP to be more attractive than their actual spouse. Well I must be in that minority. Also, I know for a fact that sex with her is better. These are all very superficial things I realize. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Expecting some harsh comments.

 

Here's the thing... Your wife is the emperor without his clothes. You've seen her at her best, you've seen her at her worst. You've seen her as sexy and sultry, you've seen her change diapers. She has had sexy sex with you, routine sex, "I know it's been a week so let's just do this because I'm not into it" sex, no sex, and every combination between. You've seen her wipe up vomit then tell you to slide over in bed so the sick kid can get in next to you. You've argued with her, you talk about bills, money, work, stress, needs, wants... You have a real life with her.

 

Your AP, however, you see sexy her. Unobtainable but you have her now her. Passion, sex, fantasy, dreams... Fun her. I doubt you've seen her do the dirty work your wife does, you don't debate how to get the most back on taxes, how to balance the budget, or who is getting which kid from what sport. You talk about sexy, new relationship things. That happy time where it's just you and you don't worry about the boring, real life stuff.

 

Your wife? She's like a trip to Walmart. Your AP? She's a trip to the tropics. Now you're sitting back saying "which trip do I take?" and leaning towards the trip to the tropics. Because I mean, come on... It's the tropics vs Wal*Mart.

 

The thing you're not getting, though... Your AP? One day, if you end up with her, she will be the trip to Wal*Mart. She'll leave the door open when she uses the bathroom, you'll see her get the stomach flu, she'll refuse you for sex, and one day she'll give you the "I'm not into it and it's been a week so let's just do it already so you leave me alone" sex. You'll talk about bills, kids, school dropoffs, and if so and so got his lunch packed for school. The wife you think you usher out? She won't be gone. You'll still have a relationship with her, a close one, and you'll be taking on your AP's ex in the same capacity. Your time with her will now be divided between your kids and her kids.

 

So the question isn't which trip do you want to take more, the question is when you arrive in the tropics and find that you're only going to visit another Wal*Mart, are you still going to want to go to the tropics? Are you going to wish you stayed at the Wal*Mart you know? Or are you going to go look for a new vacation destination entirely?

 

Maybe the answer is yes, a Wal*Mart in the tropics is better than a Wal*Mart in suburbia. But maybe the answer is that you just don't like going to Wal*Mart and you think the tropics will be different, without realizing it's the same thing in a different zip code. Instead of your wife telling you to slide over in bed after cleaning up kid puke, it's your AP now spouse who's telling you to slide over after cleaning up like and their strange kid is getting into bed with you, while her cell phone is blowing up with texts from the ex wanting to know how the kid is feeling, etc etc.

 

I think that when you look at it that way, it may get easier to get perspective.

[minimariah]

I guess the crux of it is that, I like the idea of an 'insurance policy'...

 

of course you do. everybody does. i'm still trying to find a cheat sheet for love & life in general. but it doesn't work like that. EVERYTHING is a lottery; i think you're looking for some kind of guarantee... it seems as if you want us to tell you exactly what to do & that everything will be okay. and it kind of seems like you're scared of ending up alone.

 

so - do not leave your marriage FOR another person. leave for yourself; Lady Hamilton explained it really well.

 

NC at work = not sure how closely you work or what do you do (does your job require communication outside of work hours...?); but if you're going to give your marriage a go and try NC... communicate ONLY business with your OW. do not contact her after work; communicate only through work email & phone.

[CoolHandLuke76]

If you're lucky enough to have a wife who is willing to stay with you after what you've done then you better not take that lightly. It's rare and you shouldn't F it up. Spend the rest of your life making it up to her and never speak to your skanky OW ever again.

[lemondrop21]

Reading back over your thread, I'm struck by how you repeatedly bring up the physical aspects of the affair - the fact that you are much more physically attracted to MW than your wife. Someone else mentioned the fact that physical attraction isn't usually a driving force in affairs, especially where the WS is considering leaving... It's usually more emotionally driven, or driven by the "availability" of the AP.

 

I might get backlash for this but I think it's something you should put a good deal of thought into, but not for your own sake - for your wife's sake. Women like to know that their mate considers them beautiful no matter what, even as they age, when they are at their worst, etc. I felt bad for your wife as I read this because I'm sure she is longing for you to feel that way about her. Can you imagine getting back to a place where you feel that way, and can make your wife feel it too?

 

I think physical attraction and emotion often get wrapped up in one package - yes, even for men. If you no longer look at your wife and find her beautiful, and this happened before the affair, that's a red flag. You should be able to see past the wrinkles and sags that have crept in over time, to the woman that you originally fell in love with (she is probably looking past some wrinkles and sags herself, just saying).

 

I hope you can still feel that way about your wife and can make her feel beautiful, too; if not then she deserves someone who can. Figure out if the affair has clouded your perception or if it was an issue before.

[dichotomy]

I don't know - it seems like infatuation mostly.

 

 

Also you seem to gloss over the kids - OW's, Yours. Seeing your kids part time, eventually (if OW is THE one) being a stepdad, maybe your ex wife getting married again and your kids having their own stepdad. To me personally being a father and stepfather was a major life event and always will be.

 

and then what about money losses, child support, lawyers and fighting over stuff forever - your ex wife will be in your life for a long time when there is kids.

 

If your marriage is not that bad - I would just work on it.

[Cymbeline]

'I am very physically attracted to this woman. I heard a stat before that only around 10% (or something like that) of MM found their AP to be more attractive than their actual spouse. Well I must be in that minority. Also, I know for a fact that sex with her is better. These are all very superficial things I realize. '

 

A decent sex life isn't necessarily a superficial requirement. Are you willing or able to explain at all what is better about sex with your AP?

[jenkins95]

'I am very physically attracted to this woman. I heard a stat before that only around 10% (or something like that) of MM found their AP to be more attractive than their actual spouse. Well I must be in that minority. Also, I know for a fact that sex with her is better. These are all very superficial things I realize. '

 

A decent sex life isn't necessarily a superficial requirement. Are you willing or able to explain at all what is better about sex with your AP?

 

I suspect it's just the newness and excitement that makes it seem so great - I think that's what it was for me. If you've only slept with one person for a decade or more and you suddenly end up connecting emotionally and sexually with someone else, I think by default it's going to be pretty amazing and wake up something in you that you haven't felt for a long time - however appallingly wrong or selfish the whole thing is. The illicit forbidden nature, secrets, urgency, lust, emotion and sneaking about only adds to the intrigue and excitement.

 

But it's all a fantasy lived out in an isolated bubble away from the rest of the world. All the excitement and pleasure ends up being paid for with interest when the guilt, pain and torment starts to kick in and when you see what you have done to people you love.

 

Sex with your spouse can still be great, but I doubt you can ever replicate what you feel with the AP in bed with your wife - it's like taking heroin. An amazing high, but what a huge price to pay in pursuing it. Continuing the heroin analogy - have a look at how addicts end up 12 months into their habit. Chances are they won't be doing too well. Whilst they are now addicted and can think of nothing else, they can never reach the highs of those early hits. They now use just to survive and to escape the awful reality of their world.

 

I know that this is an extreme analogy, but there are some parallels.

 

Credit to calm for telling his wife and for keeping a cool head and coming here for advice in the face of such an awful situation. Get out while you still can calm. The sooner you stop, the sooner you can start putting things right. Every day spent still in contact is another day of hurt and another delay in recovery.

 

We are here for you

[Cymbeline]

'I suspect it's just the newness and excitement that makes it seem so great - I think that's what it was for me. If you've only slept with one person for a decade or more and you suddenly end up connecting emotionally and sexually with someone else, I think by default it's going to be pretty amazing and wake up something in you that you haven't felt for a long time - however appallingly wrong or selfish the whole thing is. The illicit forbidden nature, secrets, urgency, lust, emotion and sneaking about only adds to the intrigue and excitement.'

 

Well yes, this is received wisdom and no doubt often true, but OP sates its 'a fact' which seemed to me to suggest it actually was quantifiably better, which is quite possible and night matter quite a lot. And Inwanted him to expand on that a bit.

[Cymbeline]

Also, I am always a bit confused about the idea that you can never replicate affair sex with your spouse. Sex is mostly in the head. If you have a willing and enthusiastic spouse and just a bit of imagination, I don't see why the differences need to be so great - maybe not on a wet Wednesday night, but on high days and holidays .....or am I mistaken?

[jenkins95]

'I suspect it's just the newness and excitement that makes it seem so great - I think that's what it was for me. If you've only slept with one person for a decade or more and you suddenly end up connecting emotionally and sexually with someone else, I think by default it's going to be pretty amazing and wake up something in you that you haven't felt for a long time - however appallingly wrong or selfish the whole thing is. The illicit forbidden nature, secrets, urgency, lust, emotion and sneaking about only adds to the intrigue and excitement.'

 

Well yes, this is received wisdom and no doubt often true, but OP sates its 'a fact' which seemed to me to suggest it actually was quantifiably better, which is quite possible and night matter quite a lot. And Inwanted him to expand on that a bit.

 

Good point Cymbeline. I agree and I would be interested to read his thoughts on this.

 

Things to consider while he ponders this are: -

 

1. Was sex ever "amazing" with his wife, even in the beginning. Or has it always been pretty vanilla and non-earth-moving? Chances are it was great to start with and has become routine, repetitive and less important with time - a very easy trap to fall into. Even at the beginning it may not have seemed as amazing as what he has now with the OW, but that could be because it was a legitimate relationship where they could take things steady and slowly and not live in secret. Rushing around behind people's backs, secret meetings, urgent lovemaking because you know that each time could be the last time - this all just adds to the amazing drug-like experience. he shouldn't let this skew his judgement.

 

2. How long does he think it will remain this amazing with the OW? New becomes old. He's still discovering her sexually after 4 months - it is almost impossible for the sex not to be amazing at this stage. But will the sex still be this amazing after 5 years? I think there's as much chance of that as winning the lottery - possible, but very, very unlikely. In fact, the OP should be thinking about these big questions - where he sees himself in 2, 5, 10 years, etc with or without his W or OW or both.

 

3. If the OW "vanished" to a parallel universe and calm knew that she was no longer an option and never would be, how much effort would he be prepared to put into his marriage. If he categorically knew that no other woman would ever be an option for him, how much would he want his marriage to work - all aspects of it, including the sex. He has alluded to the fact that without the OW on the scene, he would be fully on board. For me this was a major reason why I advised him to give 100% to the marriage, as it's how I felt. If he's questioning his marriage even WITHOUT the OW's influence, my advice would probably be different.

[Cherryz]

Affair is the worst thing you could ever involve yourself with.

 

Because its like a disease. Once you get into it its mess you up , confuse you, hurt people you love, and keep try to pull you into it back once you want to leave.

 

Thats why the minute you feel someone getting to close or you are getting to close to someone or start liking, you need to go hard on distant yourself from that person and become cold to them.

And always let people know you married and not interested.

A affair dont start out of the blue. People do take steps and make plans how to do the first part. So its not a innocent person that get into it. Unless someone grab you and force you. In that case call the police and get them arrested.

 

Even if you got mislead into it, still you can get out of it.But you have to be determined to do so.

ANd do what ever it is to get out of it.

Affairs are mostly just lust. Lust for sex or for a certain feeling you get out of it.

 

I dont think there is nothing in this affair for you to waste your marriage on it.

 

Since you the one that cheated, you need to be open to do the necessary to fix this.

And that means to also change your job so you dont have to be around this women anymore. And let her know its over.

And when you feel like you gonna fall for it or text her, refuse to do so.

And go do something for your wife.

 

You dont want to see your kids suffer just for your own selfish reasons.

ANd you messing with this women 4 months.?

Is that worth it comparing to your marriage?

You married your wife for a reason. Dont mess your life up.

 

Break this up, and focus on your marriage.

The faster you break this affair the better. The longer you stay in it the worse things will get. And who knows pregnancys starts happening.

Dont go for your lust. Its temporary. Go for your wife and your kids.

 

Once this lust feelings are over you will see you wasted your time.

[jenkins95]

Also, I am always a bit confused about the idea that you can never replicate affair sex with your spouse. Sex is mostly in the head. If you have a willing and enthusiastic spouse and just a bit of imagination, I don't see why the differences need to be so great - maybe not on a wet Wednesday night, but on high days and holidays .....or am I mistaken?

 

Whilst this should be true theoretically and is a great goal to allude to, unfortunately there are demons that lie in the male psyche (perhaps female too?) that often make this difficult to achieve for a whole lifetime. There's no getting away from it, there's a thrill in the chase, in the forbidden, in the discovery and conquest of something or someone new. It speaks to our ego, to our self-indulgent wish to be a desirable virile man. I know this is horrible, but it's there in our genes and our hormones. It's human nature - IF WE LET IT BE.

 

Part of being a good human being is using our morality, judgement and love for our spouse to override these instincts and committing ourselves 100% to monogamy. That itself brings great satisfaction and fulfilment. But if you "fall" like I did and like calm has - if you find yourself indulging those demons in your genes, becoming addicted to those "drugs", it is hard to pull yourself back from that. But not impossible. If you really want to be a good person again, you can be.

Edited June 2, 2016 by jenkins95

[SummerDreams]

Dear OP, I just wamt to say that I can see you already have the answers to your questions, you just need to hear them from other people as well so they give you the courage and motivation to actually do what needs to be done. You have got some great replies in this thread so I will only mention your kids: Do you want them to know after growing up that dad left them because srx with another woman was better than that with mom? Is this what you want them to think about their dad? I understand and accept we all have the right for happiness but from the moment you had kids their happiness becomes a priority. If your relationship with your wife makes you miserable and you can't be in that marriage anymore then that's a different story. But don't ruin a salvageable marriage for some hot sex. You had your chance to have that before you had kids and you still can have it with your W. You know what the correct thing is to do and I know you will do it. Best wishes and good luck.

[lemondrop21]

Interesting discussion and I think all are making good points for OP to consider.I find it interesting that we've latched onto the piece of his post involving sex (and I think I was the one that started it!) when any of the following could be true:

 

1. OP is really into supermodels. His wife is a former supermodel, his AP is a current supermodel. And he is kind of an a**hole for not accepting the fact that people age.

2. OP is less attracted to his wife because she gained 250 pounds, something he doesn't care to post on an Internet forum.

3. OP is so wrapped up in "affair fog" that he fails to realize that sex with AP is no different AT ALL to the sex he had with his wife prior to the start of the affair.

 

At the end of the day though, realize that we don't know OP or his wife or children or AP or her family. We only know the bits and pieces of information he's given us, and have our own individual experiences to compare it to. What's good for one person or one relationship isn't necessarily good for the next, even if they look similar on the surface.

 

I'm starting to think there is a danger to these boards in that respect. LS has been good for me in that it has shown me how many people go through similar circumstances. But, my affair has had unique aspects, just like all affairs. Strangers on the Internet can't really assess all of that (though I am certainly guilty of trying to assess others - which is why I'm leaning towards taking a step back from that now). Even my previous posts on this thread were perhaps a bit overly prescriptive. Don't get me wrong, I think that the support aspect of LS is SO valuable and I hope that OP keeps coming here for that reason. It really helps one feel less alone.

 

I think it's great that OP is in IC, and so early on. That's far more likely to help him in an individualized way that an Internet forum simply can't offer.

[elaine567]

Whilst this should be true theoretically and is a great goal to allude to, unfortunately there are demons that lie in the male psyche (perhaps female too?) that often make this difficult to achieve for a whole lifetime. There's no getting away from it, there's a thrill in the chase, in the forbidden, in the discovery and conquest of something or someone new. It speaks to our ego, to our self-indulgent wish to be a desirable virile man. I know this is horrible, but it's there in our genes and our hormones. It's human nature - IF WE LET IT BE.

 

I don't think it is a purely male thing, I think the rush of the new, exciting and the forbidden is always a draw. The "ageing" ego likes to be validated and to be thought of as desirable and sexy by someone who is not a regular sexual partner is not something only men want to experience.

[Whoknew30]

I don't think it is a purely male thing, I think the rush of the new, exciting and the forbidden is always a draw. The "ageing" ego likes to be validated and to be thought of as desirable and sexy by someone who is not a regular sexual partner is not something only men want to experience.

 

Agreed but sometimes it's not even the age factor. When i started my A (I was young) & it sure felt good that someone wanted me physically that didn't "have to". It was definitely desirable to know such a good looking guy, wanted just me for me...no obligation attached with it. I think that is a big part of an A for most wether man or woman.

[minimariah]

Women like to know that their mate considers them beautiful no matter what, even as they age, when they are at their worst, etc.

 

this is nice but... here is the thing - there will always be someone more beautiful & more attractive than his wife. someone smarter. someone more successful and more charismatic. there needs to be much more to a marriage than just your partner being attractive and having that special spark. sure - that's some kind of foundation and it's definitely important (you're pretty much buddies without any attraction) but you need to build more deeper and stronger than that.

 

i don't think his wife is old or even wrinkled, overweight. she probably looks the same as she did when they married - these are folks in their early thirties. my point is: your partner doesn't need to change a tiny bit in order for you to find someone else more attractive or beautiful. OR for your attraction to simply change or vanish. but when you decide to act on it... when it's THAT strong? that usually means that your marital foundation is a bad one and your expectations are probably a bit unrealistic. i think the OP should work on that, it certainly looks like the only thing he and the OW have is sex and purely physical passion. very fantasy land kind of affair.

 

i think Lady Hamilton's post is wonderful and certainly proves a point - the OP needs to be realistic. it's love when you see someone more attractive and beautiful and Adriana Lima looking like girl but you come back to your wife who has your kid's poop on her, looking like she didn't sleep for three days and you're HAPPY.

Edited June 2, 2016 by minimariah